I really want to end it but it's his mum's anniversar

[MotherOfCrows]

I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost a year. It is his mum's anniversary later this month and it was his late father's birthday a couple of days ago. He told me that he finds November really hard (his mum died in 2016 and dad died in 2020).
However the relationship has become increasingly abusive and I really need to finish with him.
I remember when I was in my early 20's my then-boyfriend dumped me a week after my Nana's funeral. She lived with me and my parents and had had dementia; we were so close and it seemed so callous of him to end things at such a difficult time; i was in a right state and then being dumped obviously made things so much worse.

But this current boyfriend has these rages which really scare me. He shouts and calls me stupid etc. and swears at me (as opposed to just having a sweary rant). He is possessive and has accused me of cheating on him when I went on holiday and when I have met completely platonic male friends he gets really suspicious. I feel like he would like it if I just didn't have those friends anymore. I told him how my exH held a knife to my throat the other week and he said that if you really want to hurt someone you should use words not violence; that he can hurt me more with what he says. He said that he has "studied" me - as in, he knows what makes me upset I think. We don't see each other that often as I have kids so I see him when they go to their dad's (despite the knife incident and various other abuse he and I share custody / contact). He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner. He always is critical of me and says I am a horrible person, a selfish person. That I don't care for him. If I am late meeting him he gets really annoyed. He will sulk and go quiet sometimes.

I did try and end things before because my phone stopped working anyway and then I was sending him grey-rock / slow fade messages to try and kind of let it wither on the vine but it didn't work. But he constantly goes on about how I ghosted him, how depressed he was during this time, that he was so worried about me.

My phone's whatsapp wasnt working again last week and i was on my way to a funeral and i messaged him on instagram so he wouldn't think i had ghosted him but he just sent messages saying how annoying it is that my phone doesnt work, that i always have issues with my phone (which is true as i am hopeless with technology) and that he was going away for a couple of days and might not have reception. This was a total lie - he didnt go anywhere at all - i think it was just a tit for tat thing because he was annoyed i couldnt use whatsapp.

I always feel like I have done something wrong and it is really messing up my mental health being with someone so chaotic. He will go from saying he wants to get married / move in together / have a child together to having a go at me. When he has had a go at me in public people have stopped and stared because he is just so full of rage.

But I don't want to be like my ex who dumped me so soon after my nana died.
Does anyone have any advice should I wait till after his mum's anniversary? I also don't want to split up with someone just before Christmas as that also seems horrible especially when they don't have any family.

@MotherOfCrows Every single reply on here is telling you the same thing. We are all saying the same thing for the same reason.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. You do not deserve to be treated the way he treats you. You do not deserve to be shouted at or manipulated into feeling bad. You do not deserve to be continually accused of cheating. You have no reason to feel guilty in any way for wanting this person out of your life.

@MotherOfCrows

I just also felt bad because he is still so upset about his mother dying

No he's not. Abusers aren't capable of 'finer feelings' like true grief. But he is obviously capable of using her death to manipulate you.

Yes he knows my address as he has been here many times and he knows my work but hasn't actually come there.

Tell him it's over then block him, and keep him blocked.

Dump him now. His friend can "console" him and you don't need to invest time getting to know his friend.

That is interesting to know. He does seem pretty cut up about it to be honest, his Facebook is full of posts about missing her and how she was the best mum ever, I guess that could be manipulation or pretence though to make people feel sad for him. All year round not just in November.

Yes I am glad I posted tbh as I wasn't sure what the done thing would be.

How long ago was it his mother died - 2016?

That is nine years ago. Why would an adult man still be 'so upset' after all this time? If you ask me, he's using it as a handy excuse for his abusive behaviour.

He has a friend visiting next weekend so he'll have a distraction and some support. Finishing with him sooner rather than later will be healthier for both of you. Otherwise he'll use the anniversary of his mother's death as an excuse to be even more abusive to you. Don't read any more of his messages. Send him one message, if you want, simply saying "We're finished. Neither of us is happy". Then block him everywhere.

Keep safe.

I would guess that in every relationship there have been a lot of red flags at the beginning but you didnt spot them as you are so used to certain types of behaviour that you dont see them for what they are. Abusers never abuse just one person, and they always have a pattern. You have been conditioned to believe that these red flags are all perfectly normal and just what happens in relationships because you have nothing that is actually normal to compare them to.

You need to do the Freedom Program asap. Your eyes will be opened to all of the things that you have been taught to think of as normal. It helps you see why you keep picking the same kinds of men.

I wonder if your relationship with your mother was abusive too, these patterns often start in childhood.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Daisy12Maisie I am sorry for your loss and glad you are being well supported.

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken no not posted about this relationship on here.

What she said.

Also, @MotherOfCrows, the 'missing him' is a craving caused by an addiction to the 'nice' version of him that is entirely fake. The side he showed in the love-bombing phase that got you hooked, and has showed you just enough of since to make you believe that if only you could please him he'd be perfect all the time.

I've been there. Many women have. The men are all variations on the same guy, and our brains are warped by them in predictable ways. But it IS brain warping, not reality. And you can undo it.

This video is very good on the subject, by the way.

@PyongyangKipperbang no my mum was not abusive at all but other family and stepfamily members were.

So the lessons of appeasement and accepting a certain level of abuse as normal were learned early?

I really do think that the Freedom Programme would be a game changer for you.

But getting rid of him is the best first step you can take, well done.

Break up with him to get out of the cycle you're in.

Then stay single while you get a good amount of therapy to explore why you keep picking men who are no good and why you feel so desperate to cling onto a relationship that you're admitting is abusive. Otherwise this is going to keep happening and you'll waste your life on unstable abusive men.

This in spades. He is manipulating you.

Yes, it’s not a nice thought at all, but sadly some people are like that. That is why you need to change how you treat them. A fundamentally decent person who has a bad moment in a crisis probably still values compassion in others and is grateful for it. But others are not like that, and this bloke sounds fundamentally exploitative and manipulative, and you must protect yourself from that kind of behaviour.

I had the benefit of a DF who will take no crap from anyone and he brought me up with a strong sense of self worth. I know how lucky I am. I’ve been with my DH for the best part of 40 years, on and off when we were students, but I had a couple of other relationships that I could see were not good and I ended them quickly.

I stopped reading after you said he rages and calls you stupid !
You owe HIM nothing !!! End it and make sure you have loved ones around you when you do . Don't do it in person just the two of you ! Not if his abusive ! You will look back one day and thank your self for walking away ! Wishing you the best ! Please stay strong

It's actually really sad to read your posts.

You're more worried about upsetting your horrible, abusive partner than you are about yourself

You are putting his needs above your own

You are wishing him into someone he's not

I bet ALL your abusive exes were nice to start with too but it's all an act

Please do seek out the freedom programme

It’s not like his mother has just died - it’s been 9 years. He sounds like an extremely abusive nut job you should run a mile from. Don’t give his feelings a second thought, you owe him absolutely nothing.

Read this (web link below)

In therapy, women who have experienced abusive relationships often wonder what it is about them, or what they are doing wrong to warrant abusive treatment. The answer to this question is complex and multifactorial, and it is also an important part of the work of therapy. Research tells us that women who have a history of abuse in childhood are more likely to be victimised in adolescence and adulthood. Skillful conversations about re-victimisation involve understanding this nuance and complexity, and the Shark Cage metaphor provides a useful way of discussing these ideas and the concept of boundaries, whilst reducing the risk of re-victimisation.
The concept of the Shark Cage begins with the idea that the world is like an ocean, filled with fish of all colors and sizes, and there are also predatory sharks which are dangerous. In the ocean, the woman needs a ‘shark cage’ to protect her from predators, but allow friendly fish to pass through.
We aren’t born with our shark cages, our caregivers and others we come into contact with support the construction of our shark cage. Each bar of the cage represents a boundary or a basic human right, such as the right to not be touched, not to be shouted at or called names. Once the bars are in place, the cage provides a protective barrier making it difficult for sharks to get close enough to take a bite.
However, not everyone has had caregivers who knew how to help their child build a sturdy cage, and many women have shark cages with missing bars or a weak alarm system that needs some work. Importantly, the metaphor emphasises that it is not the person who is deficient, but it is their cage. It follows then that the skill of maintaining a robust cage (boundaries) is something that can be learned and refined.
The good news is that all shark cages can be strengthened, by learning what bars to put in place to ensure emotional, physical, and sexual safety. By learning when a bar has sustained a hit, and by learning how to respond to an attempted shark cage breach. It is also possible to learn to recognise sharks and evaluate current and potential new partners.

There's a link to a PDF file with more info in this link
https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

You have done the right thing by reaching out. You should consider going to the police and going to womans aid. Both can see to a risk assessment. You are at risk if you remain in this r.ship. that is clear from the outside. Further you are at risk if you end it. Services can guide you. It is reassuring that you dont live together or have children together. Id end it and immediately block him. (Take advice from any services you reach out to on how/when to do that.) He wont change. Ive never heard of a single story where these men change. You deserve a better life. You will be happier without all his abuse.
Good luck.

He’s aggressive and abusive. Why are you doing this to yourself (again)? You need to work on yourself: you are worth more. Get rid of this idiot. Imagine talking to a friend who was suffering this abuse: what would you say?

He’s going to make you out to be a bad person whenever you dump him. Be honest. I’m sorry to end things at cub a difficult time of year but I can’t take your abusive and controlling behaviour any more. Once you’ve broken up with him, block him in everything. He sounds like the type to weaponise threats of suicide in order to manipulate you.

You don't owe him anything as the first post says. There will always be something, some reason not to end it, to wait. But you owe yourself a peaceful life. You don't need to end it face to face. Maybe make sure you are safe though when you do, in case he tries to come to your house. Ending it before his friend visits is probably a good idea. You might feel sick and afraid but you will most likely also feel relieved. Your safety and wellbeing are paramount.