I really want to end it but it's his mum's anniversar

[MotherOfCrows]

I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost a year. It is his mum's anniversary later this month and it was his late father's birthday a couple of days ago. He told me that he finds November really hard (his mum died in 2016 and dad died in 2020).
However the relationship has become increasingly abusive and I really need to finish with him.
I remember when I was in my early 20's my then-boyfriend dumped me a week after my Nana's funeral. She lived with me and my parents and had had dementia; we were so close and it seemed so callous of him to end things at such a difficult time; i was in a right state and then being dumped obviously made things so much worse.

But this current boyfriend has these rages which really scare me. He shouts and calls me stupid etc. and swears at me (as opposed to just having a sweary rant). He is possessive and has accused me of cheating on him when I went on holiday and when I have met completely platonic male friends he gets really suspicious. I feel like he would like it if I just didn't have those friends anymore. I told him how my exH held a knife to my throat the other week and he said that if you really want to hurt someone you should use words not violence; that he can hurt me more with what he says. He said that he has "studied" me - as in, he knows what makes me upset I think. We don't see each other that often as I have kids so I see him when they go to their dad's (despite the knife incident and various other abuse he and I share custody / contact). He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner. He always is critical of me and says I am a horrible person, a selfish person. That I don't care for him. If I am late meeting him he gets really annoyed. He will sulk and go quiet sometimes.

I did try and end things before because my phone stopped working anyway and then I was sending him grey-rock / slow fade messages to try and kind of let it wither on the vine but it didn't work. But he constantly goes on about how I ghosted him, how depressed he was during this time, that he was so worried about me.

My phone's whatsapp wasnt working again last week and i was on my way to a funeral and i messaged him on instagram so he wouldn't think i had ghosted him but he just sent messages saying how annoying it is that my phone doesnt work, that i always have issues with my phone (which is true as i am hopeless with technology) and that he was going away for a couple of days and might not have reception. This was a total lie - he didnt go anywhere at all - i think it was just a tit for tat thing because he was annoyed i couldnt use whatsapp.

I always feel like I have done something wrong and it is really messing up my mental health being with someone so chaotic. He will go from saying he wants to get married / move in together / have a child together to having a go at me. When he has had a go at me in public people have stopped and stared because he is just so full of rage.

But I don't want to be like my ex who dumped me so soon after my nana died.
Does anyone have any advice should I wait till after his mum's anniversary? I also don't want to split up with someone just before Christmas as that also seems horrible especially when they don't have any family.

Read his message and then reply ending things, be clear and don't be won round with any rubbish he tries with you. Then you've made yourself clear. He's a horrible person, so doesn't matter if november is bad for him etc..

You'd be more foolish to stay with this nasty abusive man, however long you've been single.
I mean this kindly, but you need to get a grip and see him and your situation for what it is. Don't you feel really angry about how he treats you? Do you think you deserve to be treated like that? What would you tell your daughter if she were in that situation?
It's irrelevant that he's 'sometimes nice' - all abusers are nice sometimes, otherwise they'd never get a girlfriend/ boyfriend in the first place.

He has been really nice at times; it is hard to reconcile it all

So was Ted Bundy 🤷
They are all nice when it benefits them

Sounds like a typical narcissist, they have to be nice some of the time to keep you hoping for the nice one to come back, he's got you in a co-dependent relationship, it will never get better, block him on everything you have and move on.

There's never a great time op. There's this, then there's Christmas, then Jan is tough for people, then there's valentines and birthdays and so on it goes.

He chose to be abusive. This is the natural consequence to the choices he's made.

Haha fair.
I guess what I meant was that he was nice but in a really normal sort of way? My ex husband was like Mr Perfect before showing his true colours but this guy just seemed like nice in a very normal, believable way. Didn't sweep me off my feet just seemed to be normal and decent. If that makes any sense at all

He is making you feel guilty for something that is NOT your fault. He is making you feel responsible for his appalling behaviour towards you.

It's not you. It's him.

Imagine you had a daughter who told you that her partner was shouting at her and upsetting her all the time. What would you tell her? Would you say that she needs to work on herself in the hope he starts being nice to her, or would you tell her to dump the bastard because life is too short to put up with being treated like that?

I was going to say word for word what @HoppityBun said.

He is abusive. Just end it. You really do owe him nothing.

Oh come on, OP. He's a total cunt. Who gives a shit if he's sad about his mum dying five years ago? He's an abusive scumbag.

Abusive. Dump him yesterday. He gave up the right to consideration when he started treating you like that.

OP what would you advise your dc or a close loved one if they were in your situation?

You say you were single for a long time after your abusive marriage - but actually 3 1/2years really isn’t a long time to adjust to being a single parent, getting your life on track and getting any counselling you may need to ensure you don’t end up in another abusive relationship. It’s actually a short amount of time. So again, what would you want your dc to do if they ever end up in your situation?

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another. End it right now, block him everywhere, ensure you’re safe from him — does he have a key to your house? Yes, speak to Women’s Aid, and do the Freedom Programme. And 8 think you should find a good therapist and work hard on yourself before even thinking about dating again.

@MotherOfCrows Does this …..individual (I can’t bring myself to call him a “boyfriend” ) know your address? Does he know where your place of work is?

Have you posted before under a different username.
Your situation rings a bell.

From his perspective there will never be a good time. From yours there will never be a better one. Dump him, get your life back and be happy, you don’t owe this abusive POS anything op.

I’m going through a bereavement at the moment. My friends, family and boyfriend are supporting me. If I was abusive then they shouldn’t be. (I’m not). If someone is abusive you need to leave. Immediately. Never mind the timing. November might be a bad month but then December is near Christmas etc. It’s never ending. Just end it now.

You felt that way because his character was so totally different to your previous abuser. But unfortunately, that also meant that you didn't spot the signs that he was also an abuser - but in a totally different way.

They come in all shapes and sizes, and they do home in on people who have vulnerabilities. They target those vulnerabilities and exploit them. That's what he's done to you. He even told you that's what he's doing. You say in your OP that he told you that he has 'studied' you. That is chilling. He has worked out how to manipulate you.

If a man was abusing me, I would end that relationship on his dead mother’s birthday or the day he got fired or any day really.

What does it matter, he’s not considering you.

@MotherOfCrows

Any person can end any relationship for any reason, or no reason at all. But you have plenty of reason.

People like him are extremely manipulative and they know how to 'get to us'. So the best thing for you is to either 'ghost' him (acceptable in this situation) OR sending a final text and then immediately blocking him on ALL platforms. So I'd send this "'Bob', I have been giving our relationship a good deal of thought and it is no longer working for me so I am ending it. There is nothing to discuss, my decision is final. Please do not contact me as I will be blocking you".

Note that this text does not give him any explanation. That's because explaining leads them to trying to 'talk you round', and they are very very good at that! It's actually giving them 'ammo' to shoot down your determination to get rid of them. So, do NOT 'JADE (Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain). No explanation = no ammo. They can't argue with your reasoning when you don't give that reasoning to them.

A couple of final things...does he have a key to your home? If so, send the text AFTER you have had the locks or the barrels changed. Do not try to get your key back, just make it useless Also, and this is not to suggest he would want to actually harm you, but it's not a bad idea to change your daily routines and/or routes for a bit. I had one 'lay in wait' for me in a carpark to try to get me back. It didn't work, but it was very upsetting.

You have got his! One text and he's gone!

End it. Do it today by text then block him. Id usually say people deserve to be told to their face but in this case fuck him. Nothing you could have done or said would have made a jot of difference to your relationship or how he is. Abusers abuse.

Especially given the fact you have kids and they are already dealing with an abuser as their father, end it. Stop bringing more abusive men into their lives.

Fuck him off now. Don't wait. Do it now.

No. If anything he would be worse.

Men like him are attracted to strong capable women but when those women demand what they know they are worth, they cant handle it so they work hard to break them down. Ironically, then they accuse the women of being too needy or being wet.

You have gone from one abuser to another, and like all abuse victims he has so mazed that you are more worried about hurting him than him hurting you.

I would do a Clares Law application, they are usually pretty quick, so you can be aware if he has ever stalked or assaulted other exes, and then finish it.

I wanted to add this: Remember that abusers don't want to lose us because love us. They just don't want to lose their 'victim'. They know that abuse victims are hard to find and hard to 'train'. And they don't want to have to go through all that effort to find a new one.

I suppose so in the grand scheme of things it isnt such a long time. It just felt like ages!
Obviously if it was me giving advise not asking for it if it were my own kids or family I would not advise them to stay with someone like this guy.

I know that he is being abusive to me and I am planning to end it. I just also felt bad because he is still so upset about his mother dying so wanted to ask about timing it well so as not to cause him distress unnecessarily.

There will never be a good time and this has to end. I doubt if being the perpetrator in this abusive relationship is helping him in any way, and it's certainly not helping you.