I really want to end it but it's his mum's anniversar

[MotherOfCrows]

I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost a year. It is his mum's anniversary later this month and it was his late father's birthday a couple of days ago. He told me that he finds November really hard (his mum died in 2016 and dad died in 2020).
However the relationship has become increasingly abusive and I really need to finish with him.
I remember when I was in my early 20's my then-boyfriend dumped me a week after my Nana's funeral. She lived with me and my parents and had had dementia; we were so close and it seemed so callous of him to end things at such a difficult time; i was in a right state and then being dumped obviously made things so much worse.

But this current boyfriend has these rages which really scare me. He shouts and calls me stupid etc. and swears at me (as opposed to just having a sweary rant). He is possessive and has accused me of cheating on him when I went on holiday and when I have met completely platonic male friends he gets really suspicious. I feel like he would like it if I just didn't have those friends anymore. I told him how my exH held a knife to my throat the other week and he said that if you really want to hurt someone you should use words not violence; that he can hurt me more with what he says. He said that he has "studied" me - as in, he knows what makes me upset I think. We don't see each other that often as I have kids so I see him when they go to their dad's (despite the knife incident and various other abuse he and I share custody / contact). He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner. He always is critical of me and says I am a horrible person, a selfish person. That I don't care for him. If I am late meeting him he gets really annoyed. He will sulk and go quiet sometimes.

I did try and end things before because my phone stopped working anyway and then I was sending him grey-rock / slow fade messages to try and kind of let it wither on the vine but it didn't work. But he constantly goes on about how I ghosted him, how depressed he was during this time, that he was so worried about me.

My phone's whatsapp wasnt working again last week and i was on my way to a funeral and i messaged him on instagram so he wouldn't think i had ghosted him but he just sent messages saying how annoying it is that my phone doesnt work, that i always have issues with my phone (which is true as i am hopeless with technology) and that he was going away for a couple of days and might not have reception. This was a total lie - he didnt go anywhere at all - i think it was just a tit for tat thing because he was annoyed i couldnt use whatsapp.

I always feel like I have done something wrong and it is really messing up my mental health being with someone so chaotic. He will go from saying he wants to get married / move in together / have a child together to having a go at me. When he has had a go at me in public people have stopped and stared because he is just so full of rage.

But I don't want to be like my ex who dumped me so soon after my nana died.
Does anyone have any advice should I wait till after his mum's anniversary? I also don't want to split up with someone just before Christmas as that also seems horrible especially when they don't have any family.

@PyongyangKipperbang

So the lessons of appeasement and accepting a certain level of abuse as normal were learned early?

Yes I guess you could say that and also as in the youtube video someone posted it was like that for me that me and sisters were expected to speak when spoken to, be quiet and stuff compared to the boys in the family who were allowed to be a bit more wild. It is maybe a cultural thing.

Leave asap.... It's only going to get worse (talking from experience)
You delay this month then next month you delay cause it's Christmas. He will find something to make you stay in January. Either that or he's chipped away at any remaining confidence you have and you'll be reliant on him

I don't know I think from what he said he has just always felt very sad about it. He mentioned his mum had died the first time we met. I don't know in hindsight maybe he was just making me feel sorry for him. I don't know what to think any more 😢

Who gives a toss if it’s a cultural thing though.

Bless you OP I’m sorry that men in your life have trained you to accept shitty treatment.

You need to learn to build your shark cage https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1N3X19TQ61/

Get rid today. And it's normal to feel low or miss them after a breakup but know this is not a reliable feeling and it WILL pass. You just miss their presence as someone to text, hang with and fill that communication void - you don't miss HIM and his traits. Just push through and block on everything.

This is so true , there is never a good time to break up - next it will be christmas .. then new year ... then Valentines day etc...

You need to understand you are nothing like your ex who dumped you. This man is abusive and you owe him nothing, but you do owe it to yourself to be free of him and be happy

Better dump him before the anniversary of his mother’s death than yours eh?

Have you reported your ex-h to the police?

I think you need to get your head around that whenever you break up with him, it will be a bad time for him and he will call you cruel for doing it. That is part of his manipulation and abusive behaviour, and he will try to guilt you into back-tracking. So when you break up, you need to be determined to stand strong and not back down, no matter what. No rushing to help him when he says he is going to kill himself or whatever stunts he will now pull to draw you back in. I am sorry you have had such a run of abusive men in your life, OP. This guy is trash and you need to get rid. As other posters say, I wouldn't rush into another relationship without some serious counselling if I were you.

Have you posted about him before @MotherOfCrows ? Just dump him, he is manipulating you. Please take care, though. Don't do it face to face unless you have someone with you.

You say you don't know what to think any more. Please don't allow yourself to be sad about this.

Find your inner rage. The bastard has treated you badly for a long time. Deliberately. That is a despicable thing for someone to do to another.

You are his victim. Don't get sad, get angry.

OP - you owe nobody a relationship out of a misguided sense of pity. If he's abusive then you also need to consider he might deliberately be playing on your sense of guilt to keep you with him.

I made precisely this mistake once many years ago. I was on the verge of dumping a boyfriend and then his brother died and I couldn't bring myself to be quite that callous. In retrospect, needless to say, it was a decision I came to regret bitterly. I still regard it as one of the worst mistakes I ever made, ending with stalking, injunctions, violence, an attempt to run me over in his car and a year of hell in which I genuinely feared for my life.

Of course, all his friends despised me. You don't get any better thought of for trying to be kind. 'Let him down gently' is a load of old bunkum - the relationship was over, it was always going to be over - the question of when it was over wouldn't have made the slightest bit of difference to that outcome.

Don't be like me.

You owe him nothing.

he makes you feel scared and horrible, why spare a tiny thought as to whether it makes his November worse?

He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner

It's not going to get any better. He sounds really abusive. You do owe him absolutely nothing.

Get rid .. .ASAP before he uses his emotional turmoil in November as an excuse to abuse you further.

Sweetheart, he's an abusive twat and doesn't deserve your consideration. Dump, block, do NOT engage with any attempts to manipulate you at all. It's only been a year, congratulate yourself on spotting this reasonably early and get AWAY from him.

The first year is supposed to be the best! You look back on it and think how amazing it was!

This doesn't work for you and there will never be a good time to end it. Your gut is screaming at you. End it tonight!

I only needed a few words to know that you need to end this, now, by text and block him. No arguments. Why give him any consideration when he gives you nothing.

He sounds awful. It makes no difference who's anniversary, birthday, bar mitzvah, wedding or graduation ceremony it is. Get the hell away from him before he seriously hurts you.

Dump this piece of shit, and go back to your parents

I don't know if I missed it but do you live together Op ?

You're only putting up with this abusive dipshit because he has not yet held a knife to your throat, that's a crap comparator. Walk away & block him on everything.

It's 9 years ago!!
I know grief doesn't have a timeline but 9 years is a very long time to still be going on like that. He needs grief counselling if it's genuine.
However, given the rest of his behaviour I would tend to think it's manipulative behaviour and attention-seeking.

You should dump him now. Otherwise you'll have to leave it until after the anniversary, maybe a couple of weeks or so and by then you'll be well into December and then you won't be able to dump him because you'll feel shitty about dumping him at Christmas. Then it's New Year and then you're into January and who knows what manipulative stuff he'll come up with you to stop you ending things then.

Agree with all PPs - end this and don’t look back. He is an abuser. He’ll be on his own for these anniversaries because he’s a bastard so it’s his fault. Protect yourself, OP. Call on family/friends for support IRL if need be. And don’t meet him face to face to dump him. He’s not safe. It’s fine to do it by text.

You are a good person and it hurt when you got dumped. He's treated you horribly and is abusive, he doesn't merit consideration bc of some deaths that happened several years ago. If he wants to be treated with respect and care, he could start by treating others in such a way.