I really want to end it but it's his mum's anniversar

[MotherOfCrows]

I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost a year. It is his mum's anniversary later this month and it was his late father's birthday a couple of days ago. He told me that he finds November really hard (his mum died in 2016 and dad died in 2020).
However the relationship has become increasingly abusive and I really need to finish with him.
I remember when I was in my early 20's my then-boyfriend dumped me a week after my Nana's funeral. She lived with me and my parents and had had dementia; we were so close and it seemed so callous of him to end things at such a difficult time; i was in a right state and then being dumped obviously made things so much worse.

But this current boyfriend has these rages which really scare me. He shouts and calls me stupid etc. and swears at me (as opposed to just having a sweary rant). He is possessive and has accused me of cheating on him when I went on holiday and when I have met completely platonic male friends he gets really suspicious. I feel like he would like it if I just didn't have those friends anymore. I told him how my exH held a knife to my throat the other week and he said that if you really want to hurt someone you should use words not violence; that he can hurt me more with what he says. He said that he has "studied" me - as in, he knows what makes me upset I think. We don't see each other that often as I have kids so I see him when they go to their dad's (despite the knife incident and various other abuse he and I share custody / contact). He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner. He always is critical of me and says I am a horrible person, a selfish person. That I don't care for him. If I am late meeting him he gets really annoyed. He will sulk and go quiet sometimes.

I did try and end things before because my phone stopped working anyway and then I was sending him grey-rock / slow fade messages to try and kind of let it wither on the vine but it didn't work. But he constantly goes on about how I ghosted him, how depressed he was during this time, that he was so worried about me.

My phone's whatsapp wasnt working again last week and i was on my way to a funeral and i messaged him on instagram so he wouldn't think i had ghosted him but he just sent messages saying how annoying it is that my phone doesnt work, that i always have issues with my phone (which is true as i am hopeless with technology) and that he was going away for a couple of days and might not have reception. This was a total lie - he didnt go anywhere at all - i think it was just a tit for tat thing because he was annoyed i couldnt use whatsapp.

I always feel like I have done something wrong and it is really messing up my mental health being with someone so chaotic. He will go from saying he wants to get married / move in together / have a child together to having a go at me. When he has had a go at me in public people have stopped and stared because he is just so full of rage.

But I don't want to be like my ex who dumped me so soon after my nana died.
Does anyone have any advice should I wait till after his mum's anniversary? I also don't want to split up with someone just before Christmas as that also seems horrible especially when they don't have any family.

Perfect, he's got support at the weekend if he is cut up about it.... He won't be cut up though, he'll be angry he's lost control of you but not heartbroken.

It is weird to think of it in this way. As I thought he really liked me at first 😪

I am sure that he really did. And this time he definitely wouldnt be like he was in the past.

But without serious outside help, he can't change. He was always going be like this because, at a very base level, he doesnt know how not to be. He doesnt know how to react in any way but anger and abuse. Why that may be I couldnt say but often it comes from having grown up in an abusive home, learning that this is the appropriate reaction. That may explain his deifying of his mother, if the father in the household was an abuser and his mother did her best to protect him from it.

Why wait, though?

That's called LOVE BOMBING he lovebombed you to get you hooked, ffs please for the love of god read up on Narcissistic personality disorder, you need to protect yourself as this appears to be a pattern for you

I like your username @DivorcedAndDelighted

@CitizenofMoronia yeah I can see that in hindsight I was lovebombed 😌 but I think what made it harder to spot was that it was not big grand gestures more subtle like a normal person would do. I guess he has got to a point where he can love-bomb in a very convincing way? Also I am not the best judge of character as you can see by this thread

I think i am gonna just keep him blocked which feels like a really shitty thing to do but i think that also it will be least stressful for me if i do that.

He more than likely did find you attractive and like you, pity his abusive personality couldn't treat you well.

Yes his father was violent alcoholic he did weird stuff like not letting the whole family go to sleep for days just because he felt like it as well as being very violent toward the mum. Don't know if she did protect him much tbh however his mum was the better parent even though she had her own issues

@Coffeeishot he really did seem to like me and i know it sounds strange but i would prefer to know if that was the case rather than just that he sort of found me as a victim to be. Or potentially someone to abuse.

Is it for your own peace of mind or are you trying to work it out "if it is you" ?

He will never be honest enough with you to tell you the truth. There's also a chance it's both. That he likes you BECAUSE he sees you as a victim to be. Because your own past makes you less likely to say "No I will not tolerate this behaviour, fuck off." He knows on some level he can manipulate you and that's what abusers enjoy. They like the power and control they have over other people. This is why it's so so so important you get some therapy, to make you more able to spot the issues earlier and be less of a "victim" type.

@Coffeeishot both, I guess? It hurts to think that from our first date he was just seeing if I was his someone he could tell from previous experience he could get away with being abusive towards down the line. I would prefer if he liked me and thought the date went well because he fancied me & liked my personality & wanted to see me again for those reasons, normal reasons not nefarious purposes.

Not that he goes on lots of dates to find women who are a bit of a pushover and if they are assertive he doesn't persue those women and if they come across as a bit vulnerable then those are the ones he continues seeing

I don't remember any red flags from the first date at all like i don't remember him for example saying anything outrageous or pushing my boundaries to see if i would stay later than we had first agreed or buying me a drink when i said i didn't want one or any of those "red flags" we are taught to look out for on dates. But also maybe as he has had lots of practice and he is a clever person he knows not to be too pushy at first.

In regards to is it me i do think that because i haven't really been in a long term relationship that has been normal they have all been violent - i know to an extent "is it me?" Yes it is because i put up with behaviour other ladys would not stand for and would end things if it happened to them.

The anniversaries are a him problem OP and not a you problem. you are NOT responsible for his emotions, mental health or well being!
Please remember that.
HE IS THE PROBLEM.
He is abusive, has no love or compassion so get rid asap, I would imagine he has a long history and that is why he is blocked.
I spent 7 years working on myself, my beautiful little boy ( now man) was damaged in this time although I thought I'd shielded him.
He had an extremely unhappy, scared and anxious Mummy, he and I deserved better.
So do you, if he harrasses you call the police but please dump this cunt.

I dumped a normal, non abusive boyfriend of 4 years when he told me his mum had just died. We didn't live together but in 4 years he hadn't introduced me to any of his family, I suspect because he was taking ages getting his divorce sorted out. He came to my flat, told me she'd died, I said, "why are you telling me, nothing to do with me, now fuck off home and don't bother me until you're over it". Then I gave him the slow fade. So if I have no qualms doing this to a non abusive man you can do it to a man who treats you like shit.

He's abusive so just end and block. He's chosen to abuse you so you don't need to be sensitive to his dead parents no.

I don't think abusive men necessarily go out consciously looking for someone to abuse. Like anyone else, they go out looking for someone who they are attracted to and at the start of the relationship, when everyone is on their best behaviour, then they can keep up the best side of their behaviour. But as people are involved over a longer period of time, they go into their habitual forms of behaviour, and for an abusive man that means being critical and unpleasant and abusive. So OP, if it gives you any comfort, it might be that that person who you met at the start was genuinely into you, but then his abusive side reasserted itself.

^ This. Chances are that a lot of them don't consciously think they are being abusive. They just think what they are doing and how they are behaving is normal. Judging by what the OP says about his childhood, it is probably ingrained from an early age.

@sonjadog

You know, I think they do. Just as one goes out looking for specific characteristics that appeal to us (height, hair color, personality, etc etc) I believe abusers go out looking specifically for the vulnerable, the naive, the trusting. They don't want to waste their time on someone they can't manipulate or 'train' to be a victim. And, just like sharks can 'scent' prey miles away, abusers have fine tuned senses for those characteristics.

I do agree that, like all of us, they are on their 'best behaviour' at the start of a relationship, but their every move and word is a 'test' of whether or not this person can be made to accept abuse. And they rapidly drop anyone who doesn't pass their test. This is why and how abusers find victim after victim. "Target and discard": Target the apparently vulnerable, discard quickly it they aren't.

And it's also why they try so hard to hold on to victims. Because victims can be hard to find and they don't want to waste all the time, money, and effort they've put into the current one.

It's no 'slam' on OP. She went into this with an open heart and open mind, which we all do, and has been taken advantage of. She accepted the 'face' this man put in front of her. Abusers are very very good at what they do. And although they are incapable of 'love' in the honest and true sense, they do have feelings of what they consider to be love for their victims. As long as they stay victims.

I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and wore it to shreds. It's only in hindsight and with therapy that I was able to see clearly how vulnerable I was. And learnt not to fall for it again.

@sonjadog thanks yes it does give me some comfort 🙂 it is a shame how things turned out but i would say that it seems he has been this way for a long time.

@barskits yes i do think that violence and short tempers and harsh words all were totally normal when he was growing up. Well i know really not just think it as he told me so much about his family and it seems like it was not a nice one to grow up in at all 😔

@AcrossthePond55 "And, just like sharks can 'scent' prey miles away, abusers have fine tuned senses for those characteristics."
What you have said right here is what really freaks me out because how early on would it have started? That is what i find very scary as obviously i am giving out the wrong signals at some point early on 😧 or maybe if i was dating a normal guy who was not abusive it is little things which he would not pick up on because he is not interested in finding a victim he just wants a normal relationship

"And they rapidly drop anyone who doesn't pass their test. This is why and how abusers find victim after victim. "Target and discard": Target the apparently vulnerable, discard quickly it they aren't."

See what i would like is to be in the group who get discarded for not appearing vulnerable. I don't know how he realised i am vulnerable i guess lots of little things and that video someone linked said don't tell someone too much on early dates about your history. I didn't really talk about my exH much at all to begin with but maybe i let on more than i realised. Ah it is all so difficult and confusing 😣

I am glad that the therapy worked for you though 😃

@MotherOfCrows how is communication between the 2 of you now?

See what I would like is to be in the group who get discarded for not appearing vulnerable

Women with strong boundaries dump arsehole men. They don't wait for a man to decide.

"See what i would like is to be in the group who get discarded for not appearing vulnerable"

I think this maybe reveals something about how you view relationships, OP. It isn't that they get discarded, it is that at the first sign of someone having abusive characteristics, they remove themselves from the situation. The women are making the decisions over who is good enough to have in their lives, and acting on them.

I wonder if you have lived a life where your norm is that men are in control and decide what happens to women, @MotherOfCrows ? That might be something you need to address.

Your partner's family history is not of your making. Do not put up with abusive behaviour for one second longer than you have to.

I have him blocked and he called me today twice but i didn't know untill I went to call someone because it is blocked. I would rather not know if he was calling as i do feel bad but on my phone blocked numbers show on your call history. I don't know about WhatsApp as he is blocked on there and if doesn't notify you either way nor does Snapchat.