I really want to end it but it's his mum's anniversar

[MotherOfCrows]

I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost a year. It is his mum's anniversary later this month and it was his late father's birthday a couple of days ago. He told me that he finds November really hard (his mum died in 2016 and dad died in 2020).
However the relationship has become increasingly abusive and I really need to finish with him.
I remember when I was in my early 20's my then-boyfriend dumped me a week after my Nana's funeral. She lived with me and my parents and had had dementia; we were so close and it seemed so callous of him to end things at such a difficult time; i was in a right state and then being dumped obviously made things so much worse.

But this current boyfriend has these rages which really scare me. He shouts and calls me stupid etc. and swears at me (as opposed to just having a sweary rant). He is possessive and has accused me of cheating on him when I went on holiday and when I have met completely platonic male friends he gets really suspicious. I feel like he would like it if I just didn't have those friends anymore. I told him how my exH held a knife to my throat the other week and he said that if you really want to hurt someone you should use words not violence; that he can hurt me more with what he says. He said that he has "studied" me - as in, he knows what makes me upset I think. We don't see each other that often as I have kids so I see him when they go to their dad's (despite the knife incident and various other abuse he and I share custody / contact). He started off nice but has become meaner and meaner. He always is critical of me and says I am a horrible person, a selfish person. That I don't care for him. If I am late meeting him he gets really annoyed. He will sulk and go quiet sometimes.

I did try and end things before because my phone stopped working anyway and then I was sending him grey-rock / slow fade messages to try and kind of let it wither on the vine but it didn't work. But he constantly goes on about how I ghosted him, how depressed he was during this time, that he was so worried about me.

My phone's whatsapp wasnt working again last week and i was on my way to a funeral and i messaged him on instagram so he wouldn't think i had ghosted him but he just sent messages saying how annoying it is that my phone doesnt work, that i always have issues with my phone (which is true as i am hopeless with technology) and that he was going away for a couple of days and might not have reception. This was a total lie - he didnt go anywhere at all - i think it was just a tit for tat thing because he was annoyed i couldnt use whatsapp.

I always feel like I have done something wrong and it is really messing up my mental health being with someone so chaotic. He will go from saying he wants to get married / move in together / have a child together to having a go at me. When he has had a go at me in public people have stopped and stared because he is just so full of rage.

But I don't want to be like my ex who dumped me so soon after my nana died.
Does anyone have any advice should I wait till after his mum's anniversary? I also don't want to split up with someone just before Christmas as that also seems horrible especially when they don't have any family.

I keep thinking maybe if I had been more assertive he wouldn't be like this but then when I have tried to assert myself he goes on about how I always have to be right and that I refuse to see other's points of view. When I told my friends that they were really shocked as they said I am quite open-minded and willing to listen to other point's of view.
I dunno maybe I am different in a relationship to how I am with my friends?

Don’t ghost him.

End the relationship, be firm, then block.

Fuck this cunt - you owe him nothing!

There is never a good time but you need to get out asap.

You know what you need to do! Dump him.
Don’t go in to 2026 with this dreadful man.
We are all telling you the same.
Get out now. Dont look back.

He wasn't nice to you when you went to a funeral last week, was he? He just moaned about himself and then punished you.
Everyone is right, out, with support, is best and the sooner the better.

Of course Women's aid would speak to you. You are in an abusive relationship with him.

And yes all his ex girlfriends and partners hate him because they were treated exactly the same as you are now. You're just the latest and he will move onto his next target soon enough.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further damaged by this frankly dangerous individual now.

Erm I think that I have always struggled with putting my needs and wants first as my mum had severe PND and then I had a much, much older boyfriend that was my first relationship and he was absolutely horrible to me.

This current guy reminds me of him a lot i think that is why i find his rages so triggering although the first boyfriend was also extremely violent and used to beat me up etc.

OP you need to make a safe exit from this relationship. Contact Womens aid for advice how to do this.
He's not a nice man, you owe him nothing.

Bite the bullet, finish it now, have anything of his ready to go and leave it on the doorstep at a pre-arranged time. You do nolt have to give chapter and verse to explain why, just a simple, "This is not working for me." Then block and delete his number.

Next, use the monies you would have spent on him for Christmas to buy yourself something really lovely because you deserve it.

The sooner you do it, the sooner it is over and you can move on to the great life you deserve

He sounds vile. Don't waste another minute of your precious life on this abuser.

A man like this can tell straightaway whether a woman is very confident in her assertiveness or not. Attempts to be assertive don’t deter them. What deters them is a woman who they can tell right from the start will take no crap from them at all.

You’re going to need to work on this before you embark on any future relationships. You need to know, absolutely, that the first time anyone screams at you, accuses you of cheating, punches the door, you will end that relationship immediately. No second chances.

As for this specimen, end it now. He has lost any right to your compassion. He sees that as weakness, something to be exploited.

You owe him nothing. Message him and tell him it’s over and block him. Don’t be drawn into any messages trying to change your mind. This guy sounds awful.

"I don't want to be with you anymore, lets stop seeing each other now so I don't end up hating you like you said all your ex's do".

You need therapy to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date otherwise you could find yourself falling into the same old destructive relationship patterns over and over.

Your ex's and this current bloke all have something in common - they are all abusive. Abuse is about power and control. You need to stop entering into relationships until you have established and maintained far healthier boundaries. Your kids are also learning from you about relationships as well and what are you teaching them.

Read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood and love your own self for a change. These men do not and have never loved you.

He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings so why, oh why are you protecting him.
Get rid, contact women's aid, do the freedom programme and find your value.

It is so weird to think of him as an abuser, as strange as that may sound. He has been really nice at times; it is hard to reconcile it all. He has talked about taking me to visit his family abroad, we have had great chats - although it is mostly him talking; he doesn't really listen to me.

It really is like there are two personalities in 1 body though. Like he will bring me breakfast in bed but then later say why did I not get him breakfast in bed, that I am lazy. Everything sort of comes with a cost.

You owe this man nothing, dump him.

Please dump him and block him everywhere NOW. And delete all his contact details. You can do this. ❤️

There is not a thing a woman can do to turn a kind, non-abusive, well man into an abusive arsehole. Not one thing. You didn’t make him this way with your actions, he came like this. He pretended in the start to reel you in. That’s what they do.

An abusive man deserves nothing. Not consideration, not time, not attention. Dump him. Today. And block on everything.

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes because if they were awful all the time no-one would want to be with them. What this man has shown you throughout is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. His apparent nice behaviour is not nice at all; he's been buttering you up to see what he can get out of you.

You are a wonderful woman. He sees this and because he is a using, abusive pig he has found you and seen your niceness as a weakness. You are strong and need to end and block him. You are on the precipice of a new beautiful life or a life of hell and abuse. Choose wisely and trust your gut. You are right. DO WHAT YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU TO DO! Much love and more strength xxxx

@Maray1967 that is such a chilling thought! That he sees compassion as weakness not something nice.

Next time he kicks off, or says anything offensive/triggering just reply, ‘Look, this clearly isn’t working anymore. It’s time to bring this relationship to an end as it’s clearly making us both unhappy. All the best, OP’

He does indeed see kindness as weakness or equally as something to be exploited.

I'd get out now, it sounds toxic and its not like your experience with your nan. I understand all too well that its difficult when a parent dies but he's had years to work on his grief, its not like it was last week and you owe him nothing, wait too long and it sounds like he will crush you.