To ask out cute cafe guy or not...

[Sodthesystem]

So, I was out for lunch with a friend the other day and there was this guy I notic

Yes! Go back in and make casual conversation. And then decide if you feel it appropriate to give him your number.

It’s not weird, he’ll be flattered. It’s how people meet.

What a ridiculous comment! OP ignore this ‘advice!’

Go for it and let us know 🙌😊

@JudgeBread

To be fair I don't see the problem with a woman of 25 and a man of 35 either. Not inherently anyway. There could be a power imbalance potentially but I mean that would be an individual by individual basis. I wouldn't necessarily jump to thinking there were any. Unless maybe all his girlfriends had been ten years younger or something.

Making casual conversation and being nice to customers is part of his job. It's not flattering to have people creeping on you while you're working.

When I worked in customer facing jobs I had to put up with this shit all the time and I can tell you it's not flattering, or a compliment, or funny. It's people using the power imbalance of the customer - employee dynamic to either engage in deluding themselves or harass employees (or both).

He wasn't talking to me, so it wasn't like he was making customer service conversation. I just happened to notice he had a nice vibe about him when waiting for my collection.

I've worked in the industry too, and especially when I was a bookie lots of men were letchy. But I mean it didn't bother me when they flirted or whatever. Only when they didn't take no for an answer.

Only problem is you never know who is going to be that way.

I don't think you can simply reverse the genders and say it's the same situation. I agree that it's not socially acceptable for men to 'approach' women for love/romance, but I don't really think the same applies when the genders are reversed.

When men are 'approached' by women, men generally aren't bothered or unsettled by it. It doesn't intimidate men.

The worst thing that will happen is that the man will say no, and that he's not interest. He will then go about the rest of the day without thinking about it too much. He will most likely be flattered though that a woman found him attractive enough to make the 'approach'.

TL;DR:
Men 'approaching' women is bad, as we all agree.
Women 'approaching' men isn't really an issue.

As you’ve had to guess his age and you’re basing your assessment of his character off of only ‘vibes’ it sounds like this is the first time you’ve ever noticed him, and you haven’t actually spoken to him yet.

If that’s the case, no - don’t pass him your number. You don’t know know if he’s single, if he’s straight, or if he’s younger than you guessed: plenty of people look more mature than their actual age. The “lovely vibe” could be nothing more than a good attitude towards his work/customer service.

If you want to get to know him at least try to strike up a conversation, instead of romanticising a total stranger based on what you guessed from a couple of furtive glances.

Have you thought about using your psychic powers for anything besides MN threads?

Difficult to strike up a conversation in a person's workplace. It's too busy of an environment to do that. If it was a quiet cafe you could maybe chat casually whilst sipping your order...but this place isn't that kind of set up.

Also...i mean I've dated men from online dating with no idea of if id like them in person so surely this isn't any better or worse than that. Just, different.

Disagree. And lighten up.

Worked as a receptionist all my life. Was never miserable about being chatted up but agreed it’s part of the job sometimes. Sometimes annoying, sometimes flattering, some people meet their significant other that way.

You aren’t suited to customer facing work.

He has given you absolutely no indication that he's even remotely interested in you OP. Leave him alone, he's just trying to do his job.

@MD2020and10LambertandButlerPlease Have you thought about using your psychic powers for anything besides MN threads?

Nothing in my post was indicative of psychic powers.

The fact that you personally weren't always bothered by harassment is not a reason to assume that another person won't be bothered by harassment.

I did kinda think that too tbh. I always enjoyed bantering with folk. So what if they were flirting. Maybe it made their day. Some of them were cute on occasion too.

There was one occasion I had to borrow my colleagues wedding ring to get a letch to leave me alone though. But that was an exception, not a rule.

I suppose it depends on the person and environment. Maybe the poster had drunken men hit on her a lot. I can see why she'd be pissed at it being perceived she'd have to tolerate that shit.

You gotta have a thick skin in customer service.

“wandawaves · Today 23:31

He has given you absolutely no indication that he's even remotely interested in you OP. Leave him alone, he's just trying to do his job.”

For me, it’s this. From what you say, it doesn’t sound as if he was at all aware of you. I think it would be presumptuous to pass him your tel no at this point. But maybe if you’re able to visit over time, there will be a chance of building some kind of rapport in which case there would be a context to offering him your tel no.

You have nothing to lose. You should give him your number & say to message or call if he would like to have a coffee (elsewhere) or a drink. Just be normal & nice & it's fine.

Firstly, you don't have to be intimidated by harassment for it to be wrong.

Secondly, you have absolutely no way of knowing that a man won't be intimidated in this situation. When being approached by a customer in this way there is a power imbalance, and an employee (male or female) is unable to respond as they normally would. Yes, it's worse for women, but let's not pretend a male service worker has the advantage in this situation.

Go for it. The pearl clutchers here act like just expressing. Interest in someone is sexual harassment. Putting forth interest and graciously accepting to response is how the world goes round. It probably won’t work out but hey, maybe it will!

So many will do a gender reversal. “Imagine do this was a man asking.” But you know what? It isn’t.

The problem with lecherous men who make such moves is they express the inherent power imbalance between them and the women they prey on. They express their lack of empathy and caring for the women they bother.

They know when the woman isn’t interested, and still they push. They pretend not to read the woman’s physical tell tale signs that she’s uncomfortable. Her physical withdrawal and fake laugh and nervous niceness. They see it and know the woman is too scared or uncomfortable, or she trained to be nice to say, so she won’t what she really feels. And they take advantage of that. And keep pushing her.

How many women will do this? Very few. Most will not engage in a song and dance where their male object of interest feels compelled to go along with a charade. It’s just so different. The issue is so different when it’s abusive men.

Why is he far too young for her?

I know LOADS of couples where the man is in his thirties and the woman is in her twenties.

I hate society's bloody double standards.

A 10-20 year age gap is fine. But only if the man is older than the women. Bullshit.

I'd cut out the vibe crap! 🤣🤣

just give him the bit of paper with you number on it & say to call or message if he fancies a drink or coffee...

I would give him the number. But you also have to prepare for rejection.

If it was me I would give him the number, and then also never visit that cafe again

Haha, they can't reject you when they don't detect you xD

...unless they text you thanks but no thanks I suppose lol.

Yeh I'd just give my number and run tbh.

I say go for it. As long as it’s done in a respectful, no pressured way it’s fine!!

Do it! Honestly I have brothers (and a husband) and it surprises me how rarely men get hit on or complimented in public.

One of my brothers still talks about the time he got on a tube and a group of girls said "nice view" at him. I think even if he's taken or not interested it'll make his day