To ask out cute cafe guy or not...

[Sodthesystem]

So, I was out for lunch with a friend the other day and there was this guy I notic

I really wouldnt say the bit about him having a nice vibe..that sounds so cheesy! I dont think theres anything wrong with approaching someone at work but it needs to be quick and straightforward e.g. as you are leaving ( as you suggest). But you need to think how you’ll handle it the next time you go in if he doesn’t call ,or calls and says he’s married etc.

If nobody ever approached anybody in this way, how would anyone ever get together?

And of course it's silly to compare the situation to a guy approaching a woman. Women very rarely stalk, rape and murder intimate partners, so he is highly unlikely to be scared of her.

I actually think it's ok for men to approach women too, as long as it's done very respectfully and they politely take no for an answer......

Or she finds out he’s 18..

Go for it - nothing to lose. But if he’s not interested, back straight off. 👍

Surely that depends on the individual.

Plebty of interesting well lived 24 year olds out there. Plenty of sheltered 34 year olds too.

I can lead myself perfectly fine, I don't need a leader, just a companion. We don't need to get everything we need in life from a partner, that's why friendships and hobbies exist.

I admit I do like a man who is...not a shrinking violet. I do like him to be the man. So ideally it's better they do the asking. And perhaps some younger men aren't as confident in themselves yet. Plus with the age dynamic I don't want to get stuck playing mummy. But there are chances you take with every guy. Ways it might be more likely to go. No rewards without risks unfortunately.

And there's certainly plenty of wet blankets in my age group too xD

When i worked in a cafe in my 20s people used to ask me out regularly. I didn't find it offensive at all - just part of working in customer facing jobs when you are young.

@YesIReallyDidOK Firstly, you don't have to be intimidated by harassment for it to be wrong.

Then what's the issue?

Secondly, you have absolutely no way of knowing that a man won't be intimidated in this situation. When being approached by a customer in this way there is a power imbalance, and an employee (male or female) is unable to respond as they normally would. Yes, it's worse for women, but let's not pretend a male service worker has the advantage in this situation.

I have no idea what "power imbalance" means. If he's not interested, he will just say "no."

I defy anyone to provide me with just one example of a man who was upset, and couldn't sleep at night, just because he was 'approached' by a woman who thought he was attractive.

Remember in Dirty Dancing how conflicted Johnny is with women stiffing diamonds in his pockets.

Anyone who works a public position probably has batted away lots of inappropriate behaviours. I think leave them alone to do their jobs.

Not so upset that he couldn't sleep - but I'm sure there will be men who feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, pissed off or just plain tired of having to put up with being approached at work by women and men when they're just getting on with their job. Much like women.

You're 35 and you're picking up students from coffee shops?

Who cares if he is a "student" or not!

Is he an adult?

That's the main question.

People REALLY need to lighten up a bit!

Oh I’m not sure I agree, this lad could be 18 or 19, let’s get real. And for me a 35 year old hitting on s teen is ick, if it’s a 35 year old man hitting on a teen woman or gender reversed.

wnd she really doesn’t know how old he is, she’s guessing, she just think he’s young, and many lads at 18 or 19 look 24 or 25. I mean sure he’s an adult. But it’s not for me.

But dramatic to catasrophise like that though. I'm pretty sure he was mid 20s but if it turns out he is too young for me then what's the big drama? We have a coffee, I find out, I apologise 'as I thought you were older' and then we go out seperate ways. I have capable human interaction skills. It would be a mild embarrassment but hardly the end of the world. He'd probably still feel the ego boost too.

Hate to break it to you but teenage boys won't have their egos boosted by women almost old enough to be their mums asking them out - they have enough young women or men of their own age or thereabouts to flirt with.

It's a ten year gap. Stop exaggerating. Mother lol xD

Also, LOTS of young men like older women.
He might not. But then he simply just doesn't have to call me.

Would you be happy to avoid the shop if he says no? I'd be too embarrassed to return... 😳

If you're correct and ge's in his mid twenties - if he's younger, then I'm not exaggerating. It's hard to hear I know.

Lots of 18 year old boys really don't like women in their mid thirties - they understandably prefer them younger.

Don’t you sound like a barrell of laughs 🫠🤣

All these posters telling you to ask him out for a cup of coffee! It's giving me the same vibe as fancying a bus driver and asking if he'd like to go for a drive sometime.

You don’t know it’s ten years, it could very easily be 15 or more and he’s a teen, it is incredibly difficult to tell when just looking and as it seems you don’t have the courage to even speak to him first.

And I’m sorry lots of guys 18-24 really don’t want to get involved with women who are facing 40 as their next milestone. just like lots of young women in that age bracket don’t want to get with older blokes.

as said, I don’t feel anything wrong with passing him your number, but I’d highly recommend at least trying to speak to him, find out something about him, or it could make you just look really desperate if he is younger, and he tells the others what you did.

Agree. How many happy relationships and marriages would never have happened if no one approached anyone ever? In fact,
I reckon most relationships have started by someone doing something that someone on her would find “inappropriate”, whether that’s asking a fellow worker for a drink or snogging someone at a party. There’ll always be a reason / excuse not to…

It all depends on how it’s done. If you approach someone subtly, respectfully, and are responsive to the vibes they are giving off, and then backing off swiftly and gracefully if rebuffed, I don’t see an issue.

Also, let’s be real here… This is a 20-something guy - of course he won’t mind!

Oh give over with the stereotype of of course he won’t mind. She’s no idea how old he is, she’s no idea even if he’s straight or gay, she’s no idea If he’s in a relationship; she’s no idea as she’s not even spoken to him yet.

I met my partner when he was 24 and I was 35, although we didn’t know each others ages when we first met up and he looks/acts older and me younger (at that time).

I was dating a lot of younger guys at that time, not looking for them specifically, just how it ended up going. IME younger men very much do like older women.

we’re still together 11 years on and very happy. The age gap would have been an issue if he’d wanted his own kids as I already had them and didn’t want more, but he didn’t/doesn’t.

some proper bollocks on this thread, giving someone your number politely isn’t sexual harassment ffs! And what’s wrong with working in a cafe, how does that mean someone has nothing to offer as a partner!? That’s horrible.

OP - just go for it

I suppose everyone’s different and he might mind… but if he has a problem with a woman casually and discreetly expressing her interest in him, frankly, he needs to get over it. Yes, he might be attached, gay, not be interested in her etc… doesn’t mean he’ll mind someone finding him attractive!

If no one took the initiative when it comes to expressing sexual interest in case the other person might not appreciate it, we’d all be single, and we’d die out as a species!

No one is advocating that the OP letches on, harasses or stalks this guy, just make a quick and harmless expression of interest, and if he’s not interested in return, then she just puts it down to experience and moves on… That’s NOT sexual harassment. It’s a normal and necessary part of how people couple up.

I'm a bit surprised at so many people objecting to you asking someone out.

The way you're suggesting doing it doesn't mean chatting him up at work, it doesn't mean he's forced to feel uncomfrotable. It means he can ignore or say no thanks.

You're guessing at his age, which means yes he could be younger than you think - but also he could be older. And if he's the age you think, he's 10 yrs younger than you which isn't a huge age gap.

Some of the reasons are amazing - people have suggested he's too poor to date because he works in a cafe (unfair assumption, plus I don't think the Op is looking for someone else's money), that he won't be a good 'leader' (who needs a man to lead them??), and that he's obviously a teenager and you're a predator (huge leap).

So long as you do it respectfully, don't make him uncomfrotable, and step back if his response is negative, then surely no harm done?