*trigger warning* why do so many women have men they’ve just met around their children?

[FlowerPowerShower]

I was reading a disturbing article in the news. A woman was killed by a man she had been dating for 4 months, she was pregnant with his child and didn’t want to have an abortion (it seems this is the reason the man did it) in 4 months she had already introduced him to her children and one of her children was in the house at the time it happened. She was aware that this man had previously killed someone but still had him around her children and continued to date him. (He had also previously assaulted another pregnant ex and had been to prison for both crimes) neighbours said they regularly heard arguing from the property in the 4 months.

I find this story really sad but don’t understand why so many women have these kids of men around their children? This story isn’t a one off and I read so many posts online from women who have brought men into their kids lives that they’ve just met and make all kinds of excuses about why it’s acceptable.

Stupidity and selfishness? 🤷‍♀️

Why are there so many men who want to kill women?

They are mostly naive I think. Assume these terrible things won't happen to them.
I have a friend who does this. She shared a picture of her boyfriend of months with her 6 year old on his lap cuddled into him and it actually made my blood run cold. He's a virtual stranger.

I think it's very complex and rooted in childhood.

In the same way that some women move from one a abusive man to another.

It's all to do with what they've been "taught" love looks like and very difficult for those with anything resembling a stable loving upbringing or a decent father to comprehend.

I don’t know but men specifically prey on single women with DA pasts because it’s easier to target them as they’re already vulnerable.

It’s wrong and if you are a single mum your priority should be your children. Come for me if you want I don’t care.

She knew he killed someone and they lied to the probation service so it’s not like she wasn’t aware.

Op there are a a lot of cases where they know of their DA pasts but still choose to keep them around their children. Some in extreme cases will actually tolerate a man to be violent in their homes around their children. It makes me sick.

There are countless cases where children have been exposed to abuse by mum’s boyfriend.

@FlowerPowerShower

What a fucking awful story. Do you think (as I do) that people, male and female, have such a desperate and deep-seated desire to be in a romantic relationship - probably trying to get what was lacking in their childhood - that all sense goes out the window? I would be willing to bet this poor woman had a dreadfully unhappy childhood.

It sounds like something from the US. I'm constantly amazed at what messed-up lives some people have there. Or maybe we just get to hear about them more due to prurient reporting, but there often appears to be some combination of drugs and a lack of emotional maturity, possibly as part of a generational cycle of abuse.

@FlowerPowerShower Do you have a link to the story? I went searching and found this https://people.com/florida-man-murdered-girlfriend-18-when-she-refused-to-get-abortion-11839859, but it doesn't appear to be the same as this poor 18yo woman didn't have other children. I can only assume that if she decided to have a convicted killer as her boyfriend, she hadn't had much of a life with her parents.

It’s not from the US it happened in London.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cm2e8mz8l7eo

It's this case I believe.

It's the sexuality brainwashed to such extent that these women think having the cock in means the top of all worlds achievements ....we as society need rewiring and reeducation on why this is a dangerous myth and that romance is a lie ....pornified culture, etc

Some people are terrified of being single. They see a relationship, and being accepted into a relationship, as critical to their value - as they perceive themselves and how others perceive them. So they put up with terrible partners 'because at least I've got someone' and downgrade the needs of their children.

If a previous abusive partner has told them 'nobody else would have you' then it probably feels like a victory to have somebody (however awful) who will.

Obviously it's mostly terrible men they're putting up with, but the murderers of Arthur Labinjo-Hughes and Star Hobson prove that female partners can also be promoted and protected over the welfare of extremely vulnerable young children.

I see it as a mixture of selfishness and low self-belief on the part of the hoodwinked parent.

"A man who murdered his pregnant girlfriend while on licence for a previous murder conviction has been sentenced to life with a minimum term of 42 years.

Alana Odysseos, 32, grew up in Suffolk and was about eight weeks pregnant when she died outside her flat in Walthamstow, east London, after being stabbed 19 times with a kitchen knife on 22 July 2024."

This. Living with big tough daddy who is emotionally abusing mum and you...it's a reason

Naivety, poor boundaries, neediness, desperation. But none of that would lead to these horrible crimes if there wasn't a man there who wanted to manipulate, exploit, injure and kill.

I agree. I'm a single parent, I've no intention of having men around my daughter. She's 7.
Friends and family have all told me I'm being ridiculous! I'm certainly not.

Horrible story. Of course we shouldn’t victim blame but she doesn’t seem to have had any ability to risk assess a situation.

Socialisation from day 1 to believe that a) any relationship is better than no relationship b) children are better off in a home with a man c) you make it work no matter what, you stay loyal to that man.....

I don’t understand it, if you have children put your children’s needs first before your own.

my dd has a friend at a club she goes to, they are 22 she has a 1 year old and has had 4 different “loves of her life” involved with her dd on a day to day basis hrouhout that one year.

I'd be willing to bet she had a father who was held up as a "wonderful dad" and told her she was his princess, at the same time as treating her mother appallingly.

I keep hearing it "but he's a wonderful dad" and want to scream - no he's not, he's teaching them what they should expect/be in their adult realtionships.

Of course people want to blame childhood but all reports ive read stated she had a happy childhood and was close to her family. Her father said she changed when she met this man.

Because they're stupid, selfish, irresponsible, shit parents, dumb enough to let the monkey brain "must breed and nest together at all costs" take over and arrogant enough to think it couldn't possibly happen to them.

This, as the main question, all day long. That would be a much more important and pertinent thread title, and the real question we need to always come back to as a society.

But to answer your question having worked with women who make these kind of dangerous decisions for themselves and their children - often virtually all the men that have been in their lives have been abusive and violent. It is their norm, their model of what men are and what is a common part of relationships. They often will feel so desperate to be loved, having experienced so little of this, they will ignore obvious evidence of risk, when some kind or flattering words are offered. And their model of women in relationships is also poor. Often women vulnerable to this level have just not learned very basic emotional and practical skills, you could say in some respects it is like a child or teen making the decisions.

I realise not all women who make poor decisions in relationships fit the description above, or that all women who’ve grown up around abuse will take risks like this. But when it’s so inexplicable like a story like this, some of these factors help to explain why a woman’s thinking will be nothing like someone who’s had a healthier experience.

Just read your update. I wonder who it is saying she had a happy childhood? I just don’t buy that.