*trigger warning* why do so many women have men they’ve just met around their children?

[FlowerPowerShower]

I was reading a disturbing article in the news. A woman was killed by a man she had been dating for 4 months, she was pregnant with his child and didn’t want to have an abortion (it seems this is the reason the man did it) in 4 months she had already introduced him to her children and one of her children was in the house at the time it happened. She was aware that this man had previously killed someone but still had him around her children and continued to date him. (He had also previously assaulted another pregnant ex and had been to prison for both crimes) neighbours said they regularly heard arguing from the property in the 4 months.

I find this story really sad but don’t understand why so many women have these kids of men around their children? This story isn’t a one off and I read so many posts online from women who have brought men into their kids lives that they’ve just met and make all kinds of excuses about why it’s acceptable.

I couldn’t imagine even going on a date if I was a mother.

I’m a lover of true crime and there are two really useful things about it as a genre. The first is awareness around the sheer level of depravity that a small subset of mainly men have the capacity for and the second is the extreme level of enabling virtually every culture out there does for male behaviour of every level. Women are almost worse than men for the enabling. It is so common as to almost be a universal human weakness.

Well that’s an over the top reaction. Lots of single parents go on to have stable loving relationships.

It’s literally used in most news article. Stop being such a snowflake https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/national/25529840.man-killed-pregnant-girlfriend-telling-abortion-court-told/

Desperate not to be alone. I see it all the time.

They argued constantly he smashed a glass in her face and broke her kids toys, there’s no excusing that she thought he was lovely, all this in 4 months.

Yes, I'm a snowflake in that unlike you I don't blame the victims. The only person responsible for murder is the murderer.

It’s called a motive, the motive appears to be the fact she didn’t want an abortion she was heard screaming “I’m not killing my baby” before the murder, it’s an important piece of information. Hardly irrelevant that and the fact he had previously stamped on a pregnant woman’s stomach. Shows this was his “reason” for doing it no one said that’s ok but that was his motive.

I think you need to read up on domestic abuse.

it takes a women an average of 8 incidents before they seek help/leave a relationship.

i know it sounds crazy from the outside, but there are complex relationship dynamics going on that mean that people keep minimising the abuse.

you keep asking why would she do this- but it’s a well
known problem in DV cases. The answer won’t change.

maybe ask why men do this- then we may get closer to stopping this awful abuse.

That’s a choice but why bring these men around your kids is what I’m concerned about.

I think you’re dragging this thread into a different realm. No one is excusing domestic abusers and no one is saying the victims are to blame for the actions of violent men.

Femicide statistics are through the roof and violence against women is becoming more common place.

We need to raise better men and society needs to have tougher approach to male incel like culture.

The premise here however is women particularly single mothers who let violent men have access to their homes and their children. It goes hand in hand with what you’re saying that it takes them several attempts to realise or seek help but where I think a lot of poster’s are drawing the line is when the violence or abuse begins to extend to their children and they do nothing.

Given the shocking statistics you would exercise caution before getting into a relationship with a new man but they don’t and that is negligent when you have a child in the picture.

It is so serious that the recent domestic abuse act 2020 states that if a child is to witness or be in the presence of a domestic abuse related offence they’re classified as victims of domestic abuse too. So if you’re a parent it is your responsibility to keep your children safe and the most vital thing you need to do is make sure not just anyone has access to them.

I probably didn’t have the most normal childhood but the childhood I had made me more wary of men and introducing men into my life.

im so selective and probably more over cautious of who I introduce into my life never mind my children’s life x

Given what we know about abusers seeking out vulnerable women and vulnerable women really struggling to detect and avoid abusers, when a man is convicted of murder and then recalled to jail after punching a pregnant woman in the stomach, why let him out again? Keeping dangerous men in prison is a far more reliable way to keep them away from vulnerable women than warning the woman is, as this case has shown us.

Not necessarily. I came from the worst type of background possible. As a result of that as an adult I only have people who treat me respect. I had no choice but to tolerate awful behaviour in childhood, but I certainly do in adulthood.

This perspective is more common than you may suspect.

exactly l had an awful childhood, DV, absent father etc it made me the total opposite and very cautious about who I have around my children, sad so many women use their childhood as an excuse to not protect their own children. Date who you want but why bring them round your kids

I completely agree @FlowerPowerShower. I once worked with someone who was so worried about being single and that ‘nobody would want her because she was a single mum’ that she almost threw her poor bloody son at guys as soon as she met them as if it was some kind of test to see if they would stick around.

She met a man on a dating site and went for a coffee date with him (very first date after talking for a couple of days) and then took him a walk to her child’s school to collect him at the end of the day and went back to hers for pizza 😔

And multiple times she came to work having left her child in the care of various men that she’d had staying over. I worked with her for 4 years and knew of at least 11 men that she’d introduced her child to in that time. Her child was 7 when we started working together. It was very worrying 😔

I feel that should have been reported to SS. That’s a huge safeguarding issue, sounds like her entire focus and priority was on these random men.

I reported to the police for a welfare check a couple of times because of my concerns (these particular times she had left her child home alone while she worked all day - he’d have been about 8 at the time). And I contacted SS (who she already had some involvement with) and I don’t believe anything ever came of it.

I’m a single mother. I had one relationship after my daughters father. It went wrong. Terribly wrong. He abused me once, he was gone. That was 10 years ago and I’ve not let another man even try to get near me. I cannot even entertain the thought. I’ll have my time when she’s grown and starting her own life. Some women never learn and the cycle continues

This is obviously a really extreme example of things going wrong, red flags all over the place and I don’t know why somebody’s standards would be so low regarding who they have in their children’s life.
My mum had boyfriend after boyfriend while I was growing up, it was embarrassing and I hated it. I have been no contact for years.
When I became a single mum I stayed away from men for 14 years, I really don’t agree with casual dating being brought into your children’s home.
I’m married now and my husband who was a single dad when we met had the same opinion as me.

Your child will thank you for it when they’re older. I thank my mum for it. I never had to worry about creepy men in our house or even a non-creepy man who would inadvertently make me feel like an outsider, like I saw many of my friends with stepdads deal with .

My mum had some male family friends (childhood /uni mates) that came to visit occasionally but they were like my uncles - no random romantic partners in the house thankfully .

I know someone who does this. It is for her that societal conditioning that tells her she’s nothing without a man. She has that internal misogyny that makes men = more and better, women = lesser beings. She takes herself and other women less seriously if they’re single and seems to feel she’s gone up a social class when she manages to cling on to even an awful man for a little while. She’s oblivious to the looks of horror and bitchy whispers all around her when she, shiny-eyed and super proud of herself, introduces the latest ghastly specimen of manhood (and they are all horrific - she’s not at all picky and the whiff of desperation around her means no-one decent would come within a mile) she’s attached herself to. It’s sadly ironic that the more often she does this, the bigger a ‘chav’ label everyone puts on her when it’s exactly that she thinks she’s avoiding - as in if she’s got a man she’s not a single mother. She looks down on them, you see.

As a mother she’s a disaster, but in her eyes supplying a regular stream of new stepfathers makes her a better mother, not a worse one. It’s inexplicable to me, and pitiful and dangerous to her and her children.

Sadly this is actually a reason (not an excuse) why some men are violent. It’s like a vicious circle.

I used to work in social services and I remember this one kid was so violent to his mum and some female staff because he carried a lot of anger in him.

This anger stemmed from his mum having a string of abusive partners who would sometimes turn on him.

I hope he’s doing well for himself in life now as he has a heart of gold underneath it all but I worry that someone like him could grow up and be violent to women.

He would obviously still be responsible for his behaviour as an adult if he is violent, but his upbringing by an irresponsible selfish mother - and a selfish absent father - would be a contributing factor.

Lack of intelligence.

I agree. There’s a stereotype if you are a woman and you come from a certain background but some overlook the fact that it makes many of us work harder not to replicate that childhood/life for us or future kids.

I had an absent father who was disrespectful when he did pop up in my later life and I’ve always been very strict with men and had no time for nonsense.

Conversely my friend who has a loving father who is married to her mum, has had a string of awful boyfriends from age to 18 to now in her 30s. I actually ended the friendship after she got with a sex offender and then fell pregnant to a drug dealer. I wish her well but I couldn’t have her around me any longer for my own safety.