*trigger warning* why do so many women have men they’ve just met around their children?

[FlowerPowerShower]

I was reading a disturbing article in the news. A woman was killed by a man she had been dating for 4 months, she was pregnant with his child and didn’t want to have an abortion (it seems this is the reason the man did it) in 4 months she had already introduced him to her children and one of her children was in the house at the time it happened. She was aware that this man had previously killed someone but still had him around her children and continued to date him. (He had also previously assaulted another pregnant ex and had been to prison for both crimes) neighbours said they regularly heard arguing from the property in the 4 months.

I find this story really sad but don’t understand why so many women have these kids of men around their children? This story isn’t a one off and I read so many posts online from women who have brought men into their kids lives that they’ve just met and make all kinds of excuses about why it’s acceptable.

This specific story aside, I think some women are so desperate for the "family unit" they try to make it happen too soon.

Any family who makes a big deal about how "close" they are is a red flag to me...

Well what do you want them to say? That they barely spoke to her

Once again, the first post nails it.

We can all be forgiven for being stupid and selfish when we are young, but once there are children who need protection, these mothers should be held to much higher standards by society.

It’s a perfect example of rights coming with responsibility. You want the right to have children, and for that right to be upheld so vociferously that you are given free money and housing to do so, then you have to take real responsibility for those children. That means more than just taking them to school and putting a dinner in front of them. It means putting your sex life on hold and prioritising your children’s welfare, including protecting them from step family situations that are of no benefit to them.

So many parents think that their right to be happy and move on should come at the expense of their children simply because they hold a power that their children do not. It is wrong, and it should not be considered socially acceptable for parents to force new partners on their children.

Well if something tragic happened in my family, I think any (frankly unlikely) press statement would be about how much they'd be missed, what wonderful personality traits they had etc. I don't think anyone would make it about them/the family.

Women introducing their male partners to their children within minutes has been going on for decades. My mother never thought not to bring her male partners into our home when I was a teen (and my brother much younger). At least one of them targeted single mothers with teen daughters…

she was convinced she could save/change them. With her love the alcoholic would give up booze, the bisexual would become straight. The domestic abuse offender would realise the error of his ways and not abuse her. And the guy that continually targeted single mothers with teen daughters was only attracted to her daughter because she threw herself at him. 🙄

And within it all they’re so wrapped up in their own victimhood that they fail to see their children as victims.

I was lucky to have wonderful parents and a happy childhood. My DH was equally lovely but got cancer and died when our kids were still at primary school.

I didn't date until my sons were adults. I'd seen too many of their friends made miserable by the men their mothers had brought into their lives.

I am absolutely sure I made the right decision.

Edited to add that I'm sure my own stable childhood ensured that I knew not to bring random blokes into my kids' lives.

I think the whole happy family dream is behind this as well as the less serious cases of unhappily blended families.

Yes, me too, but as you say, our experiences are such that we don't think the victim here's way of life is normal/desirable.

This. I’m sure someone will come along to defend them for being vulnerable poor little women, who are taken advantage of when in reality you are a grown adult and it’s only you that’s responsible for making bad choices.

I do wonder what would help though. Would single mothers be less likely to do this if they were more supported in the community for example?

I think it's absolutely ok to blame her. Not for being killed, but for putting her children at risk. All this 'poor dear was manipulated ' stuff is rubbish in my opinion. These are grown women. Our care and sympathy should be for the helpless children involved who really don't have a choice in who they're exposed to.

I agree OP. I see this play out regularly, both as part of my job and with friends.

Women will continue to choose a man that has abused and traumatised their family, even if it means they now have to have social services involvement etc.

A friend split from her husband and had moved her children in with a new man 6 months later- turns out he was a violent alcoholic. But she spent their entire relationship painting them as loves young dream on social media. People desperately want that 'happy family' and will put their children at risk to do it. In my experience it's always the 'My Children Are My World 🌎 ' crowd!

FWIW I did have an emotionally abusive and dysfunctional childhood. It's the main reason that protecting my children's peace and right to live without chaos in their lives is so important to me. My mum should have done the same but hey ho!

Ummm why isn't this post querying why men allow women they've just met around their children?????

a) because those men don't look after the children and are free to have multiple girlfriends
b) because we always blame women

Mothers have the right to form new relationships. Those relationships can bring wonderful father figures into families. Single mothers have a tough time. Their punishment shouldn't be never to meet a partner. Exercise caution etc.

Plenty of women are in relationships with dangerous men....married to them and have children with them.

It's the men that are the problem not the single mums

I had a bad childhood, doesnt mean i invite random violent men round my kids and into my home. He was a murderer and she knew this. Are people missing that fact? She was fully aware of this and still had him round her children and lied to probation. So she knew full well what he was capable of.

They are already here defending it.

He was clearly a very dangerous man and she was a fool for getting involved. If she was warned by the probation service and kept a relationship while also having children she was lucky he didn’t harm them too. I do have questions though as to how he murdered someone else and was seemingly free and not in jail.

Well for starters fathers allowing women around their children inherently carries less risk. The majority of violent crimes are committed by men. The majority of child sex abuse crimes are committed by men.

A woman allowing a known violent man around her children is a terrible mother. Vice versa is also true. Mothers (and fathers) do not have a right to start new relationships if that means that they're fucking up their children's lives.

Once you become a parent you can no longer prioritise yourself and your happiness. You've chosen to have a child. Their safety should be paramount.

Its not about defending it, but understanding the patterns that lead to it. What do you think blaming the victims achives?

To attempt to have some empathy for these women and not just write them all off as arrogant, thick, sex-mad etc. - most men are not a danger to children, and being a single mother is hard, no wonder some rush into getting a man to support them.

More critically, a lot of women are single mothers because they've badly misjudged the children's father, and people who are bad judges of character tend to continue to be.

In 2000. He then was released and stamped on his exes stomach when she was pregnant (different woman) and went back to prison. She got with him when he got back out.

Have you read ArtichokesBloom's post above. Definitely sounds like they're defending it.

Which also goes for the 'fathers' who move on with a new family and leave the old ones behind

The other issue that needs discussing is why are violent, murdering men let out of prison early? Why are we not accepting that violent men don’t change, that their attitude towards women stinks, that they use violence to control and demean women, to bolster their own lack of esteem and that women are carrying the scars that are the result of liberal sentencing guidelines that do not recognise these facts.

This man murdered a woman in 2000. Recommended release date set at 2020. Was released in 2013. Violently attacked another woman.Recalled to prison , but again released in 2018. Has now murdered another woman, and her unborn child.

Life imprisonment should mean what it says on the box.

I think a massive majority of parents are inherently selfish and irresponsible.

My husband’s workplace currently has 2 colleagues who have had a fling and left their children’s other parent. Within days of leaving their exes they have introduced their children to their new partners and their dc. Both sets of newly single parents have within the month moved in new partners they’ve met online/through a hobby.

Those children have now 2 homes, 2 new step parents, (I know they’re not married but using step to explain) and are now blended with their knew step parents DC also. This has all happened within 5 weeks. The cheated on and left partners have immediately found new partners (maybe loneliness, maybe to help with finances) and the colleagues of DH are all ready struggling now they’re together 24/7 and are bitching about the other one to anyone who’ll listen.

And this isnt a particularly rare situation. It’s happened before in DH’s company and it’s quite common amongst our peers to move on quickly into new homes with new partners and blend families with minimal time between partners.

My own DH had 3 step fathers and 3 boyfriends of MiL he lived with. He and I discussed before we ever had DC if we broke up how we’d navigate new relationships and at the time we agreed lots of time etc but quite honestly if we did break up I’d simply never bother until my DC were adults. Even then, we’ve had plenty of posters say “mil’s partner wants access to dc and wants to be called grandad/my mum met someone at bingo who wants to take DD swimming alone” all these horror stories.

I think if you’re a parent worth your salt you’ll keep your dating life away from your DC until you’re absolutely sure that it’s the right time for DC to be introduced and you have done your due diligence on your new partner.