*trigger warning* why do so many women have men they’ve just met around their children?

[FlowerPowerShower]

I was reading a disturbing article in the news. A woman was killed by a man she had been dating for 4 months, she was pregnant with his child and didn’t want to have an abortion (it seems this is the reason the man did it) in 4 months she had already introduced him to her children and one of her children was in the house at the time it happened. She was aware that this man had previously killed someone but still had him around her children and continued to date him. (He had also previously assaulted another pregnant ex and had been to prison for both crimes) neighbours said they regularly heard arguing from the property in the 4 months.

I find this story really sad but don’t understand why so many women have these kids of men around their children? This story isn’t a one off and I read so many posts online from women who have brought men into their kids lives that they’ve just met and make all kinds of excuses about why it’s acceptable.

It wasnt a woman or partner he murdered in 2000. (Just correcting that)

When he was arrested for murdering alana he laughed his head off saying he was glad he did it and regrets nothing. I mean it is very hard to believe it was a loving relationship up to that point, neighbours said they heard constant arguing and tried to help her just before the murder but she said she was fine and asked them to leave.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-derbyshire-67083703

I remember this case being quite shocking but sadly this is a reality for too many women seeking new partners.

Apologies, I misread the name, thought it was Andrea, not Andre. Still a man with huge issues around women, stamping on one pregnant girlfriend and stabbing another to death is the act of a man who has nothing but contempt for women.

Desperation would be the main reason I believe. A lot of woman just want a man no matter what he’s like. You can tell by a lot of the threads on here.

Sorry, misleading, his first murder victim was a man not a woman.

A couple of my friends do this with new boyfriends and it does my head in. They think it’s their life and why should they just be stuck in the house on their own, so multiple men a year around the children.

I understand they deserve a life outside of their children, but leave it at the front door. It’s not fair for the kids to wake up and a different bloke be at breakfast every few months.

Oh yes i remember this, very disturbing.

Statistically it is men who commit the most violent crimes and we have had so many cases where violent men have had access to children and babies because single mother’s have allowed them into the home.

Statistics show that a mother's boyfriend is a significant risk factor for child abuse, with several studies highlighting a disproportionately high rate of abuse perpetrated by them compared to other caregivers. - this is from AI

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1393717/

https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/child-abuse-mothers-boyfriends-why-overrepresentation

This is a study that supports the above.

Ummm why isn't this post querying why men allow women they've just met around their children?????

To answer the above, that would be different thread surely? This thread is discussing another related issue.

Albeit I agree that the men are the problem but u take a harsh view when it comes to children. You are their guardians and responsible for their well being until they are adults. It is incumbent on you to thoroughly vet strangers before you allow them access to your home where said children live. So yes I judge harshly when after 6 months the boyfriend moves in or starts staying over because the stats tell us how dangerous that can be.

There are so many posters here saying they waited until their children were older before they started dating. Surely, surely that is the most sensible and reliable option and should be the norm. Something tells me it isn’t.

My closest friend left her second H (partner) after many attempts and a near miss when he tried to kill her. She had been beaten many times including at 6 months pregnant.
Her latest squeeze has three families, the latter she didn't know about. His ex partner refuses access after he raped her.
My friend moved out of his house due to financial issues but she's still seeing him.
She's an intelligent mature woman but with a history of bullying by her mother. She's constantly doing this to herself and she refuses to discuss it. Her DC are grown up but one daughter has wisely removed herself from this man's orbit. She's one of those drama romance people who come out with shit statements like he loves me so much, he's jealous. Fucking nutter more like.
I'd rather go to Ann Summers.

No, the mums are the the ones who have responsibility to keep their children safe. Society has a responsibility to keep children safe too, but the main responsibility lies with the person who is in control of individual children’s experiences.

Mothers might have a legal right to have a new relationship because we live in a free society, but they do not have the moral right to form new relationships if it’s going to be detrimental to their children. There is a big difference between a women who dates for at least a year and gets to know a man and his friends/family before even thinking of a slow introduction to her children, and one who has a new man living with her within six weeks while wailing that it’s justified because she has no childcare. It’s not about punishing single mothers, it’s about mothers making the choices that are best for their children’s emotional development and wellbeing.

Men are the cause of many problems, but not this one.

No, men are the ones killing.

It’s a tale as old as time, unfortunately. Women who lead chaotic, unstable lives often find partners with equally chaotic, unstable lives. The need to have a sexual partner overrides the need to look after their children. Sounds like probation originally knew about the relationship, but his life licence conditions would mean that social services would become involved with the family, so they lied and said the relationship had ended. These protocols are in place to prevent events like this, but they’re not foolproof.

This is a completely insane post.

Not to mention if he’d murdered someone in the States it’s highly unlikely that he’d have been let out after only 13 years.

If he was so dangerous that SS would be called in if he dated a woman with kids, why was he even let out of jail?

Very sad story.

One of my closest friends is a psychiatrist and she obviously deals with a lot of traumatised people who have had very difficult childhoods. She was saying that the biggest risk factor for a child being abused is them having a stepfather, (or male partner of their mum), living in their home. I don't know if that is a true statistic or something she has just observed at work, but either way, it really stuck with me.

(Not all stepfathers etc etc, before anyone feels the need to leap to the defense of the stepfathers they know. I am sure the vast majority are not a problem at all)

Couldn’t agree with you more. Keep a new man well away “from your home and your heart”. As to why some women have men they already know are dangerous and violent around their DC - perhaps this type of monster is all she’s known growing up, perhaps it’s normal for her, perhaps she’s very damaged herself. It’s very sad for the children.

I agree. Also I don’t think there are ‘so many’ like this.
this woman was probably desperate for company and companionship and he probably love bombed her- I agree it was unsafe of her on both fronts but I don’t think she expected to be murdered.

Because the burden of proof of danger to lock someone up in a prison, vs to call a woman and warn her, are obviously quite diffenet

OP - I completely get where you’re coming from
and I’ve often thought it myself.

but I admit to feeling uneasy at a bunch of MC women on mumsnet ( myself included) tutting at the life choices of someone who may not have had the same options as we do.

And also the lack of a thread which questions why men are so interested in abusing women and actively seek out single parent families to destroy.

It doesn’t mean I think we should let women off the hook, but some of the replies on here are giving off a victim shaming vibe.

Are you saying a man wasn’t the cause of a woman being violently murdered in front of her child?

are we reading the same article?

At one of the schools where I taught, there was a women's refuge in the catchment area, and we came to know many families, and follow their progress through life through liaising with local secondary schools, and via our long-established school nurse (those were the days).
It was notable, and sad, that so many little girls, when they reached an age to meet their own boyfriends, ended up with violent or abusive young men; it was as if their early experience of what "a real man" should be was modelled on the domestic tyrant their mother had fled in terror.
One mother with two "romances" on the go opted to marry whichever beau got out of prison first; her own daughter was a pushover for the slightest show of affection, prepared to take any degree of nonsense.

Really? She knew he murdered in the past and that he stamped on a pregnant exes stomach? If he can do it once, twice? You don’t expect he could do it again?

He had been convicted of murder. The burden of proof had already been met to jail him.

"it seems this is the reason the man did it". Jesus Christ OP.

You, me and many others on this thread would have run a mile from this man.

but you have no idea about this woman’s life. I think we sometimes forget how lucky we are that we have the life skills, self esteem, resources and education to not make decisions to stay with abusive men.

he may have been very charming in real life and spin some BS about being wrongly convicted/ framed etc.

I know of one educated, emotionally intelligent woman who thinks her partner is wonderful. She thinks his ex is a liar for saying he’s an abuser. I know the ex wife, and I know she’s telling the truth.