*trigger warning* why do so many women have men they’ve just met around their children?

[FlowerPowerShower]

I was reading a disturbing article in the news. A woman was killed by a man she had been dating for 4 months, she was pregnant with his child and didn’t want to have an abortion (it seems this is the reason the man did it) in 4 months she had already introduced him to her children and one of her children was in the house at the time it happened. She was aware that this man had previously killed someone but still had him around her children and continued to date him. (He had also previously assaulted another pregnant ex and had been to prison for both crimes) neighbours said they regularly heard arguing from the property in the 4 months.

I find this story really sad but don’t understand why so many women have these kids of men around their children? This story isn’t a one off and I read so many posts online from women who have brought men into their kids lives that they’ve just met and make all kinds of excuses about why it’s acceptable.

Very complex reasons why a person would accept this type of relationship, complex but not uncommon at all. Just because one person had a terrible upbringing and behaved a certain way does mean another will. We all made up of complex number of variables, personality, dna, fight flight responses, nervous system, experiences, intelligence, thinking patterns. He should not have been let out of jail as stopping vulnerable women being created is a much more challenging problem.

The victim had experienced “huge personal loss” in her life, having lost two partners, who were the fathers of her two children, the court heard.

That’s deeply unfortunate and quite unusual, two of her kids fathers died and she was only in her 30s?

This murderer was older than her but I wonder what age her other children’s fathers were and if they died of natural causes or were involved in something shady?

Oh and her children she left behind have now been made orphans since their fathers are already dead. What a tragic and unnecessary mess.

Have you posted about that friend on here before? That sounds very familiar. I wouldn’t want to be continuing that friendship either. Comes a point where you can only say much and you have to vote with your feet.

I haven’t started a thread on her but yeah I probably have mentioned her in another post previously.

Exactly, I did speak my mind but it fell on deaf ears for over a decade .

So when her hot tempered sex offender boyfriend became hostile to me (due to me speaking out) that was the final straw. I didn’t feel safe and knew she wouldn’t ever defend me if he went for me.

I really hope she has changed since she had her child and they are safe.

My mum moved in a guy she’d been seeing for 2 weeks. He’d had a vasectomy because he didn’t like or want kids. I was 12. Some women are just selfish and out their own needs and wants before their kids.

That made me feel sick when I first saw that. Is it me or is there more women being killed now? It might be being reported more but seems like it.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-derbyshire-67083703
I remember this case being quite shocking but sadly this is a reality for too many women seeking new partners

”He pleaded guilty to killing Terri Harris, 35, her son John Bennett, 13, daughter Lacey Bennett, 11, and Lacey's 11-year-old friend Connie Gent.”

The facts of this case are beyond awful - and how unlucky was their friend? If it was any other day she would’ve “just” lost her friends but been safe from direct harm herself. It just so happened she was sleeping over there that night.

What the hell is 'romantic' about a man that has assaulted women previously? Do they think they will be the one to tame the bad boy?

Even bad men can be good to kids at times. But the unerlying issues is his interactions with others. I wouldnt risk it for a choclate biscuit. I would only have a good man around my kids. If i had kids.

He wasn’t nice to her children he smashed her kids toys

I know statistically it was 2 women a week murdered by partners or ex partners for many years and then the stats changed to 3 weekly during the pandemic. I hope it’s less now more services are accessible but I honestly don’t know. It is one of the most heartbreaking things to read about. I grew up in a DV household and when I see children have been killed by mums partners I do feel “there for the grace of god go I”. I understand why posters are saying we should blame the perpetrators not the victims in these cases and I agree, but I think we need to educate girls to not become victims when they grow up also.

(Before anyone tells me men can be victims also. I know. But we’re talking about women here.)

That is exactly what they think. And that because they will the one to do so, they are therefore better and more special than other women, and that others will admire them for it. It's part of a desperate need to feel special and loved rather than average and overlooked. It's also terribly, awfully misguided and plain wrong.

I’m more concerned that our judicial system set this man free to do it again, and again.
i think unless you spend a lot of time with offenders like this (i do for work) you don’t realise how ‘talented’ they are at brainwashing their partners.
I am well versed in dealing with them, but you would be stunned at how easily they get educated female members of staff to like them, those staff attempt to explain away their past crimes, or call them a ‘jack the lad’ or ‘cheeky chappy’ and have absolutely no idea that they are being manipulated and groomed in the exact same way their victims once were.

Exactly this. We speak all the time about women who can’t protect themselves from abusive men but what about a judicial system that wholesale gaslights that there is a potential for recovery in seriously abusive men where all of the evidence stacks up to say that people have psychological profiles some of which are dangerous and that people have patterns of behaviour which repeat. Why are women as individuals supposed to have more insight when entire systems are set up to gaslight. Anyone who has every tried to get orders or protection or indeed get a rape prosecuted will help you understand it is not just women who are confused by these behaviours the whole western judiciary has simply no answer to them. These guys get out at the end of typically quite short sentences and then what. We wait for them to offend again.

Indeed @Whatabouterytoutery a good example is this past week, dealing with a previous offender, who had committed a similar type crime. He is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (incredibly difficult to obtain), and had 30 year old women in the office giggling along with him. One even remarked that he was harmless.
It’s not often that I’ll give staff a hard time but she got yanked into the office and given a lecture on protecting herself.

I have wondered whether PSHE (or whatever it's called) lessons should include how to spot red flag behaviour and dangerous personality types. I suppose one concern would be that it could be stigmatizing to people in the class or who have these behaviours.

Take it from a retired teacher: the average teacher does not have the expertise to deliver such lessons effectively.

Stop victim blaming!

Think there's a misunderstanding there, she had one toddler and was 8 weeks pregnant. The toddler's father died.

Horrific case. Feel so sorry for the innocent little child who might have zero memories of her mum

She was a mum of 2 her other child was 12.

My mistake then. No mention of that child in the sentencing remarks that's very strange!

I disagree I’m dragging this into a different realm. In fact, it’s essential to view this from the DV perspective if we are to understand it.

whatever mental gymnastics she had to do to convince herself he was safe to be in a relationship with, would also lead her to think her kids were safe.

id also say that there are very few resources for counselling for women coming out of DA relationships.

I can understand why people are perplexed at her actions, but once again we are not tackling the root cause - abusive men.

she was vulnerable. You are saying she shouldn’t have been as vulnerable. It’s not that simple.

the sub text of this whole thread is women saying ‘how can she be so stupid? Not like clever me- I’d never be in that situation’

Thats actually a very human response- it helps us feel safe. This could never happen to us. But while it make us feel safer, it doesn’t answer the question.

I get the feeling the OP will just keep saying ‘I don’t know why she’d do it’ until someone says -‘ she isn’t as clever and switched on as you’

I know a lot of divorced women with children myself included. None of us have brought home a random man. We all have college degrees and would have had stable upbringings. That has a huge impact in my opinion.

I agree. I’m also a divorced, single mother.

i know lots of other women in same boat. None of them are putting a relationship with a man first.

but most of my friends have had stable upbringings, and are in professional careers. I think many people underestimate how important this is.