How to get over ExH and OW

[Mensuckbigtime]

Dear all
It's been 3 years today that my husband and partner of 18 years left me. DDs at the time were 1.5 and 4.5 years old.

Two months after he ended it, I found out that he'd been having an affair with an ex colleague of his that I also know

Three years on, the divorce has been finalised, I have opened my own small business, I have a structure with the girls and I'm generally doing ok.

But sometimes, it all comes crashing down on me and I'm flooded by emotions of hurt, guilt (I pushed him.away because I was a tired, frustrated mother), anger, fury, hatred, loss, grief... all at once.

Having to have contact with him because of our children, constantly hearing stories about the OW through my children... How am I ever supposed to heal when I'm constantly "reminded" of him and her (and them shagging isn't the worst he did to me in terms of emotional abuse)?

How just how am I supposed to do it?

it feels so unfair that I have to deal with all the aftermaths of his behaviour, as I'd the betrayal wasn't bad enough.

For anyone whose done it, how did you heal whilst having to "co parent" with the person that broke your heart?

Or is just how it's going to be? The feelings aren't always acutely there, but when they do come, they hit you with full force.

I just hate it.

Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated

Sorry Op - my situation isn’t exactly the same . Unfaithfulness , very long relationship - my children are older .

As well as being unfaithful , my ex also formed a new relationship really quickly . My kids haven’t met her yet , perhaps different as they are older .
I do think all relationships breakups are hard but those where we have to continue to co- parent and see the person are even more so . I would happily never see my ex again , but have to see him , due to the kids .
I think the mantra is that you can’t change the circumstances here but can only change your reaction to it .

You seem to have made a lot of progress and I know how hard it can be to do that . I would if you can afford it try and get some counselling to just try and unpick your feelings . Do you have an employee assistance programme at work that you could access ?
Or if that isn’t possible , can you speak to a friend / relative and try and devise sone strategies for coping with this - or even be able to let off steam to them ?
Your children are still young , so I think when they see you they may understandably be excited about something they have done with the ex& OW . Could you give them a few minutes to talk about it and then distract them with another activity / a drink / snack ?
I know others have also recommended chat GPT for their AI counselling but there are obviously some downsides to this and tragic cases where it seems to have encouraged people who have been depressed . So if that is possibly something you would consider please be cautious .
You need to continue to build up your own confidence / self esteem and try and let all this negativity wash over you . That includes doing things for you when you don’t have the kids with you . It is important that you don’t hide away and that you maintain your existing friendships / relationships with family or try and find things that will give you joy .
I do try this . I am not always successful and unexpected things will trigger me out of the blue .

But I suppose I also realised that I don’t want to waste any more of my precious emotional energy / time on dwelling on this and I do try and not constantly compare . Again I am not completely successful - but am getting better as time goes on .
Look after yourself x

@Iamafaithfull has given wonderful advice. OP you are already doing brilliantly, you have come this far. Have you thought about dating yourself? It’s time to look forward. Also don’t romanticize their relationship as perfect, it probably really isn’t

Thanks so much for your post. The girls know that they can talk about what happens at their dads
Although my oldest also senses that it's a painful experience for me (I try and hide my face as best as possible).

When they first met OW, I didn't know as Exh wasn't nice enough to tell me and when my DD told me that had met.her, I burst into tears and my eldest remembers that.

I didn't mean to cry, I was overpowered by the hurt..

That's the thing. Exh keeps telling me that I need to think about the children, yet his children.where.thr last thing on his.mind.whilst he was having an affair.

I don't talk badly about EXH or OW in front of the kids, I've even meet her twice (awful) for my children's sake.

I just have this urge to "expell" them from.my peace and I know I can't and I feel.like I'm.trapped in this weird scenario where I constantly have to interact with the person whose so badly hurt me

It's the biggest head fuck ever

Yup, have been dating and for the most part, it's been.shite ;-)

I’m really sorry - it must be awful and unfortunately I have no advice, just just wanted to send a big hug x

Thanks!
Anyone else with any advice on how to move forward (which I think I am).
He still bring my blood to boil

Totally get where you are coming from OP.

This sort of situation is the hardest part of a break up when children are involved. Everything you read says to go non contact or grey rock and so on but those kind of routes aren't always possible.

Other advice is to use email/app to have minimal contact but that can look extreme to your kids who really benefit from parents who are able to be amicable and low key friendly with each other, especially when they are older & there are events to attend together.

The only advice is to try methods of redirecting your attention if you think about them, to focus on your relationship with the children and to focus on your own life as much as you can.

It's tough, really tough, but it does gradually get easier. I'm sure if you look back, it's easier today than, say, a year ago - even just slightly easier.
And, as pp have said, you will assume their relationship is perfect when it may be far from it. And he is actually no prize at the end of the day either if he is prepared to behave as he does.

Continue to behave with dignity in front of your children. They will admire & love you for it in the long run once they are older & fully understand what went on.

I hear you OP. Exh did th same to me 2 years ago. Absolutely blindsided.

I did a lot of therapy and came to the conclusion that I may never get over it, but I've learnt to live with it. What happened absolutely killed me at the time and I'm not going to try to minimise the impact it's had on me, I just try to have coping strategies for when I feel shit.

Sending you an un Mumsnetty hug x

Ps how dare he tell you to "think of the children" when he did nothing of the sort!

That would make my blood boil too but life is long & your children are small.
They will one day think about why their dad left and about how you behaved through it all.

He wants to meet to talk about the way we communicate as it's not helpful for the children.
I don't want to meet him, I don't want to be in the same room with him.

I had him round my new apartment for the girls birthday, that was a few months after finding out about the affair. I did it because I thought thats what I needed to do to be a good mother

Having him in my safe space killed me...
I've also met the OW for the sake of the girls so that could see that "everything is fine".

However, and this might sound selfish, I don't want that anymore. I want as little contact with him as possible, even if it's not in the best interest of the girls.

This makes me sound like a shit mother , I know )-:

I will continue to communicate with him.about the kids, I wont slag off him or his stupid girlfriend but I can't pretend like everything is fine for me. On the rare occasions that we see eachother, I still can't look him.in the eye

That's the conclusion I am coming too as well. It will always hurt, hopefully less in time

Having you "forgiven" your ex? Everyone says that's the way to heal... Not sure I can

Nope! Never will. Why should I? Healing isn't a linear path as I've found out and there's no one size fits all solution.

If you don't want to meet him then don't. No reason you can't communicate by text/ WhatsApp.

He broke it so he doesn't get to call the shots. Maybe what was "best for the girls" was him not having another woman in the first place! Honestly, these men drive me nuts!

And you have met the OW, you definitely don't need to keep seeing her if you don't want to.

Don't be forced into situations you don't want to be by him.

What is the contact split & how does that work with drop offs/pick ups etc?

Time is spilt 50:50, handover at school and a kindergarten (not from the UK), so I don't really see him

The thing with the 50:50 is that there's a lot more contact than there would have been if I had them most of the time (he would have taken me to court to get 50:50 and my eldest daughter would have been questioned by the judge which I didn't want)

I don't want to meet him to talk to him, not even with a meditator

For those of you who have been through the same shit- things that get me- he will have some work thing coming up on his pick up days, then text me to say " can you pick up girls, I have a work thing, otherwise DD has to stay in day care until 5pm and that's very long"

And he knows that I will always do what is best for the girls and he uses it to rope me in to be hin impromptu babysitter

Any advice?

I hate him

You need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. His time is his time, you are not his on-call babysitter.
I also don't think you need to let him (or OW) near your safe spaces. What benefits you DC more than anything is a happy DM.
P.s. I think you're doing amazingly well in incredibly difficult circumstances.

Have you had any counselling? That might help. 💐

I have nothing to add except that this is why I fucking hate men! I think they’re complete shits and I don’t care what anyone says, women don’t do this shit anywhere near as much as men do, I don’t need anyone’s opinion about how their husband would never because I don’t believe it, they either are good at hiding it or no one showed any interest in them. I can feel your pain and I actually hate him on your behalf.

You’re doing great, would it help to know that he will treat her exactly the same way eventually? And she’ll thoroughly deserve it! And by that time you’ll be getting over it and thriving and she’ll be stuck with his abusive arse and he’ll have an old wrinkled up, low hanging ball sack that no one wants!

Yes, sister!
I've gone off men too, too much work too little outcome
I just want a shag every now and then ;-)

Yes, it's just on days like this, it all comes.back.up

Talking about men
I have now received two private messages by someone (I'm guessing a man) asking me to get in touch with him...
Lovely, you come to MN for emotional support and someone's trying to hook up with you

WTF

Exactly! You couldn’t make it up! As my Mum says “I wouldn’t have another man if his knackers were hung in gold!” I loved my Dad but even the man that raised me was a shitty husband. I bet the ones messaging you on here are the same ones that their wives would never believe are capable of deceit.

Consider getting a pillow or cushion, set it up and punch it really hard when the rage bubbles up. I did this when my awful mother was trying to wind me up and whilst not perfect, it did help to dissipate the rage.

@Mensuckbigtime I went through something similar. Left me exH 6 years ago now due to him having a 3rd affair. Fortunately the affair had ended by the time I discovered it so I didn't have to cope with him still being with the OW. He did of course get a new GF though, much younger than me and was kind enough to tell me to my face how wonderful she is and how he'd never cheat on her! She moved in after a few weeks of dating and she was pregnant within 4 months (that was tough.)
Anyway, in terms of advice, i'd start with lots of therapy as it is grief and getting help to navigate it was a life saver for me. Strong boundaries are key. I like you, did many things that f**ing hurt like crazy for the kids but my therapist told me that it was ok to say no. She pointed out that one day my kids would be adults and they would look back at what I put myself through "for them" and that they wouldnt want me to have been suffering. This really helped me. Plus, I've realised the things I do impacted me so much that the kids notice (despite me trying so hard) and it impacts them too. Certain things im ok with now time has passed, and you will be too (time is a great healer) but there's other things I will never do such as going for dinner at my old family home, with exH, GF and their baby... that was a firm no! You decide, take baxk control. X

Thanks so much.
I did actually go back to that fucking old apartment because my DD asked me too and I'd sworn I'd never cross that threshold again.

But I will stop doing this now because it's causing me too much pain (later that day, I got an email from OW applauding my bravery and what a great mother I was for doing that)

I guess it's because it's the anniversary of him ending it and I just have to accept that what I wished (that he would fuck off to the moon) is not going to happen

Happy days

Anniversaries are always tough. There are still things that trigger me and it is like a punch in the stomach. I read something that said you heal but it leaves a scar so sometimes you will be fine and other times you notice your scar, or it irritates you which I think explains it well. Most of the time, I am absolutely fine, other times I crumble (not as much as before) and most importantly, I know what to do to bounce back. It mostly involves acknowledging how i'm feeling, not trying to squash it down and running (that might be more of a me thing!)