How to get over ExH and OW

[Mensuckbigtime]

Dear all
It's been 3 years today that my husband and partner of 18 years left me. DDs at the time were 1.5 and 4.5 years old.

Two months after he ended it, I found out that he'd been having an affair with an ex colleague of his that I also know

Three years on, the divorce has been finalised, I have opened my own small business, I have a structure with the girls and I'm generally doing ok.

But sometimes, it all comes crashing down on me and I'm flooded by emotions of hurt, guilt (I pushed him.away because I was a tired, frustrated mother), anger, fury, hatred, loss, grief... all at once.

Having to have contact with him because of our children, constantly hearing stories about the OW through my children... How am I ever supposed to heal when I'm constantly "reminded" of him and her (and them shagging isn't the worst he did to me in terms of emotional abuse)?

How just how am I supposed to do it?

it feels so unfair that I have to deal with all the aftermaths of his behaviour, as I'd the betrayal wasn't bad enough.

For anyone whose done it, how did you heal whilst having to "co parent" with the person that broke your heart?

Or is just how it's going to be? The feelings aren't always acutely there, but when they do come, they hit you with full force.

I just hate it.

Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated

I sooo wish I was there yet, but I'm not. And him having an affair is the smallest bit of my pain. It's more the fact that he used the most intimate details of our marriage as ammunition against me to justify his behaviour and that he is, as I feel, sometimes using the children to get to me, which I find absolutely disgusting

I'm.not there yet, but thanks for your post. There's hope 🙏

I recommend you read Chump Lady's blog. She's one of the few people on the net who tells things straight about cheaters (and she's caustically funny). And no, she's not into forgiving the cheater, which is such an idiotic concept. As she says,

"It’s absurd to respond to abuse with friendship or kindness."

Here are some blog pieces that you might find useful. The comments below each post are also often helpful. You will see that you're not the only one who feels as you do. And you will see that the way to deal with freaks like your ex and his OW - and to get yourself to a place where you're not constantly being triggered by them - is to have very strict boundaries and very limited contact:

https://www.chumplady.com/if-i-dont-pretend-to-be-friends-with-ex-he-gets-ugly/
https://www.chumplady.com/why-does-everyone-want-me-to-be-friends-with-my-ex/
https://www.chumplady.com/cheater-told-our-daughter-he-wants-to-be-friends/
https://www.chumplady.com/dear-chump-lady-friendly-ex/
https://www.chumplady.com/tell-me-about-your-boundaries/

Agreed about Chump Lady. Runaway Husbands is really helpful too.

My exH apologised to me for his cheating a year or so after we split - or he tried to I should say.

I refused to accept it & I don't regret that.
He needed to understand that it wasn't that simple & I didn't see him doing any work on himself regarding me, his attitude towards me or any real ownership or understanding of the impact of his behaviour. So I refused to accept it and told him that.

Time has moved on and we are in an amicable space & can spend time in each other's company with the kids if we need to. We are almost friendly.

But I still don't forgive him and never will.
It doesn't mean I haven't moved on or that I am still destroyed by his betrayal but I will never be able to forgive him for what he put me through for his own selfish desires.

"Forgive the cheater" is a thought-terminating cliché.

When people tell you, "You should forgive the cheater", it's not really out of kindness for you. At best, it's because they want you not to keep suffering from the pain and they've been taught to say trite, vaguely religious, solemn-sounding crap like this. Mostly though, it's because your pain is making them uncomfortable and they want to shut you up.

They wouldn't say it to someone who was walking in the park one day and was suddenly attacked physically out of the blue and has lifelong physical consequences because of it. Yet that is what cheating is: being attacked while you're going about your life trustingly, and then having to deal with the ground-shaking, life-changing, and terrifying knowledge that you are not safe emotionally anymore.

Chump Lady calls people who preach forgiveness for cheaters Forgiveness Trolls, and rightly so.

https://www.chumplady.com/forgiveness-trolls/

Its not petty to say no, it is laying down boundaries and set a tone.

Many of the examples are just right

that doesn't work for me
don't apologise for not being at his beck and call to do stuff

its also the presumption you'll just do it, no youre not his nanny you are both parents

Thanks for all your super helpful and thoughtful and thought provoking posts.

For any of you who have experienced this with children- do your kids know what has happened?
Do they ever ask what happened between their parents, why one parent keeps their distance etc.

My children are still young, but I'm wondering if they ever want to know

For any of you who have experienced this with children- do your kids know what has happened?
Do they ever ask what happened between their parents, why one parent keeps their distance etc.

Yes, though I never told either of them, one wasn't born and the other old enough to remember before we split, they both sought out the stories from others.

No, I kept my distance not really for the same reasons as you. I kept my distance as it made life more pleasant for the dc, he would make lots of snide remarks if we spoke - so I found it easier not to speak as then there wasn't an atmosphere for the dc

I have nothing constructive to add to how you process this, OP. But the phrase 'sorry, that doesn't work for me' is quietly powerful.

And I'm outraged at his audacity! Every time he pops up with awful/thoughtless behaviour, imagine yourself watching Olivia Dean and sipping champagne. Or having the most gorgeous evening with your kids.

And how do they feel about their father now if I may ask ?

Forgiveness did help me move on. It took me 2/3 years too though to be honest.

How were you able to forgive him?

Wow this really resonates with me; the guilt, the accommodating and basically trying to act like a team when we’re so fucking not. All the while I’m still grieving and exhausted and trying to get over him. It’s still relatively early days for me but I recognise my lack of boundaries and continue to let him bully me.

you’re so right about giving DC a false narrative by playing happy families. It’s just misplaced guilt and I’m learning I’m a better, stronger Mum when I call out that shit

So sorry you're going through the same
For me, it's more the guilt towards my children .that their family has been ripped apart and my efforts to "pretend" like I'm cool with him and his fucking OW.

I don't feel guilt towards him so much. It's more like feeling "mean". It's absurd as he fucked me over.

What a head fuck this all is.

How are you holding up?

Love to you

I did alot of work in therapy about this especially as I have a daughter.

My therapist really helped me understand that what I was doing in her childhood was teaching her the framework of what she would think was normal as an adult.

And acceptance. Acceptance that her reality was two families. That no amount of bending, would change that. And my job was to make our new family unit the strongest it could be.

For me my ex definitely did guilt me manipulate me into doing what suited him. That just made me more angry.

You dont need to be cool. You need to be civil. There is a massive difference and once you find it, it makes all the difference in dealing with the situation.

The trick is when to call it out 😂that took some practice for me because I still was so angry. I use to have mantras and questions I would have to ask myself before reacting.

Honestly I spent so much time talking to myself in my head during those years but it helped alot.

Wow. I love that. And I have daughters too

Can I ask if your dynamic with your exh has changed since you've changed your attitude towards him?

And what will you tell your daughter when she asks why you and her dad don't get along (my dreaded question)?

Thanks for your input.

Yes it’s the guilt I feel towards DC but at huge cost towards my wellbeing. Very quickly realised there was no ‘coparenting’ (stupid to think otherwise) and actually that just meant me continuing to do ExH’s bidding. He was a bully when we were married and tried to do the same after divorce. I went along with it for far too long because I thought that’s what co parenting meant, united front and all that 🤦‍♀️. Actually far better for DC to see strong boundaries between parents and learn that co parenting doesn’t mean one parent just kowtowing to the other.

Would also love it if you shared some of your mantras/questions!
@Whatado

I was 17 when my serial cheating father left my mother, i.e. much older than your children.

By 17, I had worked out what was going on, and I'd like to say (1) it's MUCH better for children NOT to grow up seeing unequal marriages where one parent is brutalising the spirit of the other, and (2) the working things out on your own comes as a series of dawning and shocking and psychologically scary realisations that makes you feel pretty unsafe about other people well into adulthood.

It is important to tell the children in an age-appropriate manner what happened, and then keep answering questions in an age-appropriate manner. This is a discourse that you will likely have to engage in many times as your childen grow up and enter adulthood.

So far, you're letting your shit ex set the narrative. That is the narrative of a cheater - eg I left because Mommy and I weren't in love anymore, or worse, Mommy wasn't paying attention and I was lonely amd OW is the perfect woman for me.

These are messages that you MUST counter, otherwise your kids are going to grow up thinking cheating is acceptable, and if/when THEY are cheated on it's THEIR fault. Cheating is rife, daughters of cheaters are more likely to get together with cheaters (because they recognise the arrogance and entitlement and selfishness of their father in the cheater partner-to-be and think it is safe), and cheating is extremely harmful psychologically, financially, sexually, physically (it is domestic abuse at every level you can think of). You have to vaccinate your children in childhood so that they can avoid cheating men or, if they do suffer being cheated on, they don't blame THEMSELVES and stay with the cheating gaslighting freak.

So it is important to start a counter narrative. It should not vilify ex or his crap OW. It should simply say the truth. And it should also counter the shitty narrative that you're the poor bitter rejected scorned woman, which ex and ow are loving to spread about: e.g. "Your father left our marriage because he had a girlfriend. In marriage, you promise not to have any boyfriends/girlfriends. Your father broke that promise, he cheated on me with OW. So your father and I are not friends anymore. But we both love you and we will keep being your parents."

The fact is, to let your ex set the narrative is you being complicit to him gaslighting the children with destructive lies. Kids can handle the truth (told in age-appropriate ways), and it's MUCH better than suddenly realising when you're 10 that your dad is a cheater, a lot of people think cheaters are disgusting scum bags, ergo your dad is a disgusting scum bag. It's also much better than feeling a creeping horror when you realised at the age of 25 that you swallowed some of your father's lies at 17 and inadvertently helped him kick your beloved mother down at the nadir of her life.

Chump Lady also covers the topic of what to say to your children often e.g.

https://www.chumplady.com/whats-age-appropriate-disclosure-with-kids-about-cheating/
https://www.chumplady.com/how-badly-will-divorce-screw-up-my-kids/
https://www.chumplady.com/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-divorce-an-interview-with-sue-atkins/

I’ve not read the full tread, but my XH had a 2 year affair and is now engaged to the OW. We share 50/50

I know a couple of PPs have said it, and I know it’s much easier said than done, but really forgiveness was the key for me. Not for their benefit, but for mine. Being constantly consumed with anger and resentment is no way to live your life

I did a lot of reading up on affairs and the reasons for them. I know XH cheated because of his own lack of self esteem. OW is much younger than him, she is junior to him at work (he is literally her boss, yep that cliche) and he is a high earner. She think he is amazing because he can buy her a big house and take her on fancy holidays. He thrives off the pedestal she puts him on. Makes him feel successful and superior. I never did that as I was on more of an equal footing to him (I earnt more than him and wouldn’t pander to his controlling tendencies)

I can see that she gives him a power than I didn’t and can see why he would want that. At the end of the day he is a flawed human being with insecurities. Understanding that made it much easier for me to forgive him.

@Mensuckbigtime I think you are being too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are handling this just fine, and much better than some people would. I also think you need to make life as easy as possible for YOU, not for him. It’s not for you to suck up your feelings and have to play happy families with him. Or be there to help him when things come up in his life. If he wants 50/50 split then he needs to parent and manage his 50%. If he can’t manage 50% and if you’re happy to have them majority of the time then he needs to be realistic in what he can manage. Yes you need to be civil but that’s it. You need to protect your own peace and that is removing him and her from your life as much as possible. It will get easier as the kids get older but I think you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, it sounds like you are being very reasonable and he cannot and should not expect anymore from you. You don’t need to meet up and discuss anything you don’t want.

I totally get you..I "understand" why he had the affair. Things were tough between us, he was looking for validation maybe even a way to hurt me
I get it and I get why people have affairs.

What I find so upsetting is what he did when I found out.

He used everything against me to paint me as a horrible person that doesn't deserve better. He blamed me for the affair.

I was literally on the floor with self hatred and self doubt that he injected in to me..if it hadn't been for my friends, I don't know what would have happend to me

That I cannot forgive him and that he uses our children as pawns to get to me
The other day he refused to buy a school book for DD1 ( not even a pounds worth), because he still has to pay me in our divorce settlement and he feels like he's the victim.

For him, it's not about- my child needs a book and she is with me and that's why I will get it for her

For him its- I'm the poor guy who still has to pay for my ex wife and I'm not going to buy a school book for my child because I'm the poor poor fella

I can't forgive that I don't thinf

I haven't actively forgiven my ex for his shitty behaviour. That doesn't mean I am constantly bitter and angry. After many years, I have a new life with a better partner, and rarely have anything to do with my ex - I see his dad more frequently, we get on well. In the long run, breaking up with my ex has improved my life. I feel positive about the divorce.

I don't badmouth my ex to the kids. When they bring up his issues with openness and honesty, I explain where they come from in his childhood. I don't want the children to think badly of their own dad. I understand why he had an affair. But I think there were plenty of other options he could have gone for, and a lot of the things he chose to do were creepy and nasty. I privately judge him for that. At the time, before I knew exactly what was going on, I said on multiple occasions that we could break up and be adults about it, and he prevaricated and kept on gaslighting me until the only way I could get him to leave was by digging for details and rubbing them under his nose. He had so many opportunities to end our relationship without this taking place. I privately hold that against him.

Forgiveness depends in part on exactly what it is they have done, and how. I've heard from others that they have found it helpful but I can't say I see how it would help me to "formally" forgive him rather than just letting him gradually slide out of my thoughts.

I think you should take comfort in that they can never fully trust each other. He was married and fucked her and could easily do it again with another woman. She also has to wonder if someone will do the same to her that she did to you, fuck the man in a relationship with her. Pity them.

I also agree with a previous poster who said to say you are over it you just have boundaries. Re dropping DC1 at yours on his scheduled day the answer is no. Stop making life easier for him. He will see you as his default backup for childcare, don't do that. He has to figure that out himself. You are not married anymore. I know you think you are doing what is best for your DD but you are not setting a boundary so instead you are saying I am here at your beck and call if you need me to swoop in and pick up the slack.

I don't think you ever get over it as such, I think you just learn to live with it. Plus you don't have to be nice, you can be neutral. Why would you want to be nice to him? What message does that teach your daughters? That people can treat you like shit and you are nice back? No. You can be cordial and that is all.

But when you are feeling low, remember they cannot completely trust each other. Meet up with other people, join some group meet ups in things you are interested in.