How to get over ExH and OW

[Mensuckbigtime]

Dear all
It's been 3 years today that my husband and partner of 18 years left me. DDs at the time were 1.5 and 4.5 years old.

Two months after he ended it, I found out that he'd been having an affair with an ex colleague of his that I also know

Three years on, the divorce has been finalised, I have opened my own small business, I have a structure with the girls and I'm generally doing ok.

But sometimes, it all comes crashing down on me and I'm flooded by emotions of hurt, guilt (I pushed him.away because I was a tired, frustrated mother), anger, fury, hatred, loss, grief... all at once.

Having to have contact with him because of our children, constantly hearing stories about the OW through my children... How am I ever supposed to heal when I'm constantly "reminded" of him and her (and them shagging isn't the worst he did to me in terms of emotional abuse)?

How just how am I supposed to do it?

it feels so unfair that I have to deal with all the aftermaths of his behaviour, as I'd the betrayal wasn't bad enough.

For anyone whose done it, how did you heal whilst having to "co parent" with the person that broke your heart?

Or is just how it's going to be? The feelings aren't always acutely there, but when they do come, they hit you with full force.

I just hate it.

Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated

What sort of man is too lazy to get his DD antibiotics, and then controls and corners you into getting them. What a fucking pig.

He should be on his knees after what he did to you.

This isn’t happy families, he hasn’t got 2 wives and you never justify yourself to him or her.

Keep your boundaries. Train him. You don’t reply if it’s unnecessary and you simply say no sorry that doesn’t work for me (as others have suggested). Your business is not his business anymore.

Cordial, and well mannered, keep your feelings to yourself.

It will get better, but it takes time.

If you meet someone one day, I bet he will absolutely hate it.

I did it. I told him I won't take DD 1 to school on his days, even if it's just a 5 minute bike ride away.

I said
You wanted a divorce, you got it
You wanted the DD 50-50, you got that too.

I am no.longer on your team as per your wish

BOOM!

Well done 👏👏👏
Don’t get embroiled in his complaining, his discussions, his demands his wants. Him, him and him. It’s time to cut that chord.

It sounds like he’s a controlling man and likes engineering things to go his selfish way.

He won’t like it, but you’ve got to train him with longer silences, not jumping to respond. He’ll learn. Always take a breath, the sky won’t fall in.

He is who he is (sadly), but you stick to who you are or who you want to be, and don’t be manipulated by him.

Just well done 👍 your taking back control- good on you

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Mine was over ten years ago and we didn’t have children. However, this year he did to her what he did to me. As a pp said, there will be no real trust in this relationship.
A woman at my work went through it too. Get the finances sorted! She did. She’s now got an amazing relationship with her now adult daughters who can see what their dad did. (She didn’t poison them or anything, they just grew up). They have learned a lot of self respect from her. Meanwhile dad cheated on OW and is the type to say that all his exes are crazy.
The now is very hard, I’ve been there but keep telling yourself that a relationship built from deception will never be a good one.

Listen to Taylor Swift and Lilly Allen's new album. Women scorned create the best music! Belt it out in the car or in the kitchen. It'll give you some momentum and get the anger out.

It does take time to fully feel like you can go days without even thinking of them, years. You will get you back if you keep plodding. Just add as many nice things for you into your day as you can, keep seeing friends and looking after yourself with good food and self care (get on a multivitamin, get Dr to check your bloods, visit a school friend, get a massage etc etc).

Bless you all!!!
Yup Madeline in repeat!!!

I really like I let you w/in too!

My dd is an adult now. Yes it did change. Slowly but that was because he was use to me jumping and reacting to his every demand. It was very hard but I stuck to decisions I made. He did so much shit to prompt a reaction out of. I would either not respond to the rants or say ok.

She knew we didnt get along. He was an absolute dick and made his anger with me very clear and I was very reactive for along time. I just stuck to mammy and daddy are your family we love you but we arent friends or family to each other because we have our own family and friends and share you. I would list examples people she knew on both sides.

She does know. Not because of me but because she knew how old she was when we broke up. Ex and OW had being lying about how many years they were together and slipped up. She put two and two together and figured it out. She asked me and told her the truth high level. She was very angry and really impacted her relationship with them for awhile. Because she couldnt understand how he could behave how he did to me after what he did. That was in her teens. She is close to him now. Likes his partner.

And told me not long ago she's glad he left because she might love him as a father but I always deserved a better partner than he is capable of being and she knows I would have been unhappy!

Remember kids grow up and form their own views on us as adults and a parent.

He sounds like an absolute prize twat OP.
I just wanted to say be careful of letting him control and manipulate you - all under the guise of 'its what's best for the girls'. Sounds to me like he's gaslighting you a bit and holding this 'threat' over you. Ie. If you don't do x y or z you're a bad mum.
I actually think you don't have to do all these things. Like having him over to your house on the girls birthday. Just no. You need to protect and look after yourself too. What's best for the girls is a happy mum.

Are you sure he's not toying with you a bit? Like he enjoys seeing you squirm?

Well done OP, laying down a small boundary will help move forward. keep going.x

One last questions for those with children and where there was. Or is an OW.

How do you deal with the fact that maybe the OW has access to your children?

My DD 1 said to me the other day , " I feel like OW takes love away from you Mama" and it killed me

I know I know I'm supposed to be happy that my children have a relationship with her.

But the fact that my exh decided to turn me into a part time mother kills me. And that the woman he cheated on me with. Gets to see my children when I don't

Any advice on how to deal with this lovely aspect of the head fuckery?

Thanks so much

You are being way too hard on yourself - there is no “should” about the situation, you just do the best you can.

Focus on and rebuild you, that is the way you will start to move forward. Only then will you reach a place of peace. Have you had any counselling?

bear in mind grief and loss isn’t a linear process nor are there any rules on how should feel. hang there, you’re doing brilliantly.

i think you need to cut all contact with OW and limit with XH as much as possible.

what an arsehole OW is. She doesn’t get to patronise you and ‘encourage’ you to be a good parent. Your children wouldn’t be in that situation if it wasn’t for her.

i think she’s trying to deal with the guilt of wrecking a family. I’d also say that while affairs happen - it’s still a choice to have an affair with a married man. ( or woman) and it’s pretty shitty behaviour

All I can suggest is that you consider the alternative. One of my XH women was really awful to my DS. Horrible.

Yes it stings when you hear “Laura made a lovely pasta bake/took us to a great park and it was so much better than yours. But you have to be grateful that Laura is a good step mum.

I would be quite troubled by what your DD said. You need to reassure her that love is infinite and she can love OW and have a great time with her and it doesn’t impact your relationship with her in the slightest.

It will get easier in time. I know it’s a cliche but it really will. 💐

That's exactly what I did. I told her that she can have a relationship with OW and that it's fine.

Thing is DD 1 remembers me crying when she first mentioned meeting her (because Exh didn't tell me). I didn't mean to cry. I was totally overwhelmed

Hi OP, I’m in a very similar situation although only 6 months in (have posted recently on another thread). So unfortunately no real great advice to give as I’m not there myself yet but I just wanted to give you a virtual fist bump - another member of one of the world’s most shittest club. Probably also the world’s biggest club too. Men are so shit and their selfish mid life crises are so fucking cliche it’s laughable.

I’m feeling A LOT of the same emotions as you especially the dismay at having to share my children with the disgusting excuse for a human being who broke up their family. I don’t agree with PP that you need to “just get over this”. Of course you want to get to a place where you’re so emotionally strong that it doesn’t get to you anymore (which I’m sure you will and I’m hoping I will too). But I don’t think that is the same as getting over it. You’ve lost all respect for this man and you don’t ever need to give It back to him. People tell me that it just takes time - we need to trust in this and treat yourself kindly in the meantime xx

I've given up on the notion that it will ever be "fine".
I can "forgive" the affair or at least understand why it happened.

I can't forgive him trying to destroy my sense of self to justify his behaviours and all the shitty things he's done that involve our children.

He's a prick and so is she

And obviously I am so sorry that you're going through the same shit..it's just awful