How to get over ExH and OW

[Mensuckbigtime]

Dear all
It's been 3 years today that my husband and partner of 18 years left me. DDs at the time were 1.5 and 4.5 years old.

Two months after he ended it, I found out that he'd been having an affair with an ex colleague of his that I also know

Three years on, the divorce has been finalised, I have opened my own small business, I have a structure with the girls and I'm generally doing ok.

But sometimes, it all comes crashing down on me and I'm flooded by emotions of hurt, guilt (I pushed him.away because I was a tired, frustrated mother), anger, fury, hatred, loss, grief... all at once.

Having to have contact with him because of our children, constantly hearing stories about the OW through my children... How am I ever supposed to heal when I'm constantly "reminded" of him and her (and them shagging isn't the worst he did to me in terms of emotional abuse)?

How just how am I supposed to do it?

it feels so unfair that I have to deal with all the aftermaths of his behaviour, as I'd the betrayal wasn't bad enough.

For anyone whose done it, how did you heal whilst having to "co parent" with the person that broke your heart?

Or is just how it's going to be? The feelings aren't always acutely there, but when they do come, they hit you with full force.

I just hate it.

Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated

Move on yourself

OP, you know you're not a shit mother. You sound like a wonderful mum doing your best for your girls. Your unfaithful, lazy and selfish ex, who tells you to think about the children (!) would make my blood boil. As would the OW saying what a wonderful mother you are. What a couple of hypocrites.

I think "You need to forgive" is an unhelpful slogan. True, it's unhealthy to brood on wrongs you've suffered -- it harms you, not the person who hurt you. But don't try to force yourself to 'forgive' someone who has treated and continues to treat you so badly. It wouldn't be genuine, and you'd be messing with your head, doing yourself further harm by lying to yourself.

Instead of trying to forgive people who don't deserve forgiveness, I'd give them as little thought as possible. You don't owe them your attention. Just let these unworthy people dwindle away to nothing in your mind. Try to fill your mind with thoughts of your DD and things you love and that are important to you. Don't force yourself to act friendly with them, just be blandly polite and have as little contact as possible. Don't react to any of your ex's bullshit.

I hope your pain will soon be outweighed by your happiness with your daughters.

Thanks so much, what a lovely post!

Reframe your view of the past. You had tiny children and your ex was not the focus of your attention, so instead of also focusing on the children, he found someone else to attend to him. Good for you. You’ve rid yourself of one of those men whose attention wanders when their wives have a baby or two. They aren’t worth keeping.

I think that doing things that you don't want to do, because you believe doing it demonstrates something to your girls is flawed thinking.

Saying no, putting in healthy boundaries and explaining to your girls that you "don't want to do that because it makes me uncomfortable and is upsetting" is demonstrating to your DDs that no-one can make you do anything you don't want to. Yes, they may be slightly disappointed but, having a mother who stands up for herself is very powerful role modelling.

Smothering your discomfort and complying, particularly when it's to meet the expectations of a man, is not good model for your DDs to follow.

You're doing so much better than you think and your DDs think you are superwoman.

As much as it hurts being forced to coparent and having to hear about ExH and OW all the time, I do think that is worse for you at the initial stages but in the long run better for the DC to have the contact. Better a shitty dad than no dad. I know it shouldn't be a race to the bottom but my kids dad (like so many) just totally abandoned them, and, while it is easier for me not seeing him (OW luckily dumped him within months), it is horrible seeing the effect on the kids.
Time will help a lot and in time you will be glad someone else has to put up with his shit!

Wow he has got some brass neck on him daring to whinge what’s “best for the girls” when he’s the one that broke up the family in the first place! Take your own advice you wanker.

I have been/am in a very similar situation.

Guess what’s good for your children, a healthy and happy mum. It’s also ok for your children to know that when people treat you badly there are consequences to that behaviour. My ex husband had an affair, then treated me absolutely terribly - including in front of the children. We communicate via email only.

I do not bad mouth him but I’m very honest. My daughter asked if me and daddy were friends. I said no. I said we are your parents and we both love you very much and always will but I can’t be friends with someone who behaved very badly towards me.

Why are you covering his work events? You’re not his secretary or his maid. What if you have something on? You’re not there to fit in with his life. Why should you meet a woman who destroyed your family unit and caused all this pain? Why should he come to your home?

Boundaries will help you heal. Your children need a happy mum and that starts with you saying no to things that make you feel uncomfortable. Forget being called’bitter’ - which by the way you have every right to be!! This is about protecting your peace and your space.

You are amazing and strong and I’m so sorry for the pain you have been put through. Moving forward please consider yourself and what you can handle and by caring for yourself you are doing the best thing by the kids.

Friendzone him and kep him there until you become comfortable.

What are your coping strategies?

Thanks for your post.
With regards to covering for him. It's usually things that would be bad for the girls.
Like, DD has an ear infection,.he gets the wrong antibiotic that she's allergic too..I ask him to get a new prescription so she can get antibiotics that she isn't allergic too.
He refuses to go back to the pediatrician twice in a day as it's a 20 bike ride one way..
So I do it, even though DD was with him on that day and he's on holiday (I was at work)
He would have gone the next day, but I want my child to have the medicine she needs asap

So that's the kind of stuff I will do for my DD.

And.he knows that I will always do it and used it against me

Shall I just not do it next time and watch my child suffer?

It's such a tricky situation

What a bastard he is

I’m two years in. When it first happened I can remember saying to a friend I just wanted to be a year down the line when it would be easier. She replied ‘no it’ll be five years before it’s easier.’ She was so right. every now and again I get a moment sparked when O think ‘I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this’ or ‘this would be so much harder if he was here’ but it’s still crushingly painful. I think stop putting pressure on yourself and just let yourself grieve for the time being.

those of you who have been through the same shit- things that get me- he will have some work thing coming up on his pick up days, then text me to say " can you pick up girls, I have a work thing, otherwise DD has to stay in day care until 5pm and that's very long"
And he knows that I will always do what is best for the girls and he uses it to rope me in to be hin impromptu babysitter
Any advice?

id be texting back

you really need to be organised so this doesn’t repeatedly happen, it’s not fair on daughter. I will on this occasion but you need to be prioritising and it’s not my responsibility to continually pick up your slack. If you can’t manage 50/50 then this needs to be altered.

no fucking point in having a “meeting” with him when he thinks you’re the unpaid nanny/fathers help

As for getting over him

I’d not want to be with someone so weak willed that they have an affair, if they can be honest and end the relationship or buck up and make it work, prior to having a new partner

I’ve not been in your situation but I imagine the situation you describe losing your husband to infidelity could cause you to suffer from PTSD. The way you talk about the feelings suddenly coming up from nowhere sounds really similar to how my PTSD presented itself. The absolute life changer for me was having EMDR therapy. I always put off doing it because I always thought it seemed a bit odd and couldn’t understand how it would work but honestly after two sessions of EMDR I felt like a different person. My depression lifted, the intense sadness, guilt, resentment etc I felt all dissipated. It was incredible and I’d recommend EMDR to anyone who had been through something traumatic. Finally to add - I didn’t even think I was that upset about what had happened to me. But in my first session of EMDR I sobbed and sobbed and it dawned on me that I wasn’t actually depressed I’d just been carrying around this suppressed intense emotion for ages since what happened to me. The EMDR processed all of these hidden emotions for me and put them to bed and I am now in a totally different place.
Please try it OP! It sounds to me like you have unprocessed trauma

What an absolute arsehole. I know it hurts but this man was absolutely not worth having. He sounds awful.

This happened to my friend, it’s five years on now. It’s still upsetting but she has no expectations of him to be anything other than a twat and also wouldn’t have him back ever. Like the others have said, I wouldn’t fill in for his shortcomings, that’s the shitty OW’s job, she chose the selfish dick. For my friend it’s got better with time but the suppressed anger is the worst. Taking her to a rage room!

Hi OP

You are an amazing mum and he is a shit. But you know that already.

My suggestion would be to look into one of the parenting apps for communication. Use only that. I think there is one called parenting wizard. Then you can check your emails and texts etc without being worried that it is him contacting you. Also nothing in the parenting app can ever be altered or deleted. Every time you send a message in it, assume it will be read out in court.

What exactly does he think is wrong with the way the two of you are communicating? From what you have said so far, I'm wondering if the problem is that you are not doing exactly what he wants. And he thinks that if you meet in person he can bully you into doing what he wants.

I would not meet him. Instead say yes, I agree things need to change, why don't we try this parenting app for 6 months and then reassess. Send him a link to the app.

I think reducing contact would help you. So make it clear to him that he needs to solve parenting issues during his time with the girls. Has he applied for flexible working arrangements? If not, why not?

As for the antibiotics

if he says he not doing it

you text back

noted you don’t want to get correct antibiotics, a decent father would prioritise his daughter, if you can’t manage 50/50 care it can be changed.

What exactly does he think is wrong with the way the two of you are communicating? From what you have said so far, I'm wondering if the problem is that you are not doing exactly what he wants. And he thinks that if you meet in person he can bully you into doing what he wants

spot on.

@Mensuckbigtime

It seems to me that you need to get back some control over the situation you're in. Your ex is clearly a crap father, not only for walking out on all of you when his head was turned, but also because he's not even making the basic effort for your children's well being.

You've said that he's always getting you to pick the kids up at the last minute out of the blue, so if I were you I'd be making a diary of exactly everything he does to let you all down (including dates), and if this continues I'd stop the 50/50 custody arrangements and change access to once or twice a week.

Yes, he may take you to Court, but if you can show that he's consistently changing arrangements or possibly also frequently leaving your kids with the OW to look after whilst he's off out to yet another 'meeting', the Court may well back you up and order less access to him.
I think the only reason he's sharing access at the moment with you is so he doesn't (I assume ) have to pay child support, and because he enjoys having you at his beck and call, a lot of men only go for 50/50 for these reasons imo.

Another point you've made which shows he's not a responsible father is with regards to his refusal to get the correct antibiotics, that's disgusting of him. Although I'm a bit confused why the Doctor doesn't have your child's allergies written in their records?

Nevertheless, you could contact the Doctor yourself and inform them.

Doctor knows, he just forgot.

I don't talk to him when I see him, I can't..it's like something is stopping me..I also can't look at him.

He says I'm.being "emotionally abusive", like I call him out when he does things like not picking up correct antibiotics and so on.

I guess.he would just wish that I do it and keep my mouth shut.

So yeah, it's because I'm "emotionally abusive"

I had a similar situation with ex h and my then best friend. Honestly I was broken for a long time. The only real healer is time. It’s 11 years on now. And though at times I still get angry about it those thoughts are not constant and intrusive as they once were. You are doing all the right things meanwhile.
I am proud that despite being hurt beyond belief and frankly a bit of a basket case for about 5 years mentally, not once did I forget that what they did, they did to me. The children were not put in the middle and did not witness any bad mouthing of him or her. The most I ever said to the girls about her was honestly that we would never be friends or really speak again, but if they wanted a relationship with her then fine . They were old enough and aware enough to know something wasn’t right about the situation. DD’s have both thanked me for it now they are grown up and realise from seeing friends divorced parents put them in the middle how lucky they have been and how hard it was to do. They don't have much time for dad’s girlfriend -they are still together. They don’t think either she or he acted well and they also don’t like the way she treats their Dad or how he behaves differently when she is around. I allow myself a wry smile at that.
You are doing so well op. I started to feel much better at the 5 year mark. Hang in there.

The way he has behaved was hardly helpful to the children. Why should you facilitate him if it makes you feel bad. Don't meet the OW if you don't want to. Keep things with your ex icily polite. In a word stop doing things you dont want to do and which cause hurt to you to please other people. If in time you feel able to do those things then fine. But at the moment don't.

You're right.
He told me the other week that it's been 3 years..as in, why aren't you over it...

We'd been together for 18 years