How to get over ExH and OW

[Mensuckbigtime]

Dear all
It's been 3 years today that my husband and partner of 18 years left me. DDs at the time were 1.5 and 4.5 years old.

Two months after he ended it, I found out that he'd been having an affair with an ex colleague of his that I also know

Three years on, the divorce has been finalised, I have opened my own small business, I have a structure with the girls and I'm generally doing ok.

But sometimes, it all comes crashing down on me and I'm flooded by emotions of hurt, guilt (I pushed him.away because I was a tired, frustrated mother), anger, fury, hatred, loss, grief... all at once.

Having to have contact with him because of our children, constantly hearing stories about the OW through my children... How am I ever supposed to heal when I'm constantly "reminded" of him and her (and them shagging isn't the worst he did to me in terms of emotional abuse)?

How just how am I supposed to do it?

it feels so unfair that I have to deal with all the aftermaths of his behaviour, as I'd the betrayal wasn't bad enough.

For anyone whose done it, how did you heal whilst having to "co parent" with the person that broke your heart?

Or is just how it's going to be? The feelings aren't always acutely there, but when they do come, they hit you with full force.

I just hate it.

Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated

We're on a parenting app
I think the realisation I've had is that as much as I wish that my children would be able to spend time with both their parents together (I know this is.something that especially older DD would want), I can't do it right now.
I just can't..I have this overwhelming urge of just shutting him.out of my life as much as possible atm

Have been writing into my journal since he ended it

It's a form of bereavement. You're grieving the loss of the life you had and the future you thought you would have. Like all grief it takes time to heal and there is no fixed timescale for that. Go with the emotions you're feeling right now and keep moving forward. FWIW it was nearly 30 years ago when I was in your shoes, the OW is now his DW and he, to me, is, as the song goes, "just someone I used to know".

What upsets me isn't even the fact that he shagged another woman,.it's the fact that he does shitty things that involve our children and that he gaslit me and painted me as the most horrible human being to "justify" what he did.
That's what hurt me most, too.

Remember that when he comes up with this holier-than-thou stuff about you doing the best for the girls, that comes from the same place as what you describe here. He can't stand the idea of himself as a flawed individual who was deliberately unkind. He has to tell himself that he wants the best for the children, and act like the sensible, thoughtful one. The same with the OW and her patronising comments about you being brave.

Comments about it being "years ago" are not helpful when the situation you are in is happening now. I had much less contact with my ex as our children were older, but it still felt raw at times many years later, not because I was bitter and twisted but because I'd had the rug pulled out from under my feet and my life and future were changed forever. (I don't think you can blame people who have not experienced this for not understanding what it is like. Would help if they kept their thoughts to themself though.)

How to deal with it? The main thing that helped me was time passing, and talking therapy with a professional. I did a load of activities to keep me busy (hard with small children obviously), and a lot of other people at those activities were also separated, divorced or just not in conventional relationships, which was helpful.

Talking about it here is another way to process the thoughts. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't protect yourself as best possible by setting boundaries as you describe. Things develop over time and the methods you use to cope will change too. It's not permanent.

It was his choice to leave - not his choice how you emotionally dealt with that...

he doesn't get to choose, but its clearly bothering him - that's not your issue

Why are you talking to him? Where are you talking to him?

its fine to not want to look at him or talk to him

do everything by text and email

Yes it’s powerful and liberating

You are so right..I need to remember this

It's cognitive dissonance at its best

He has to literally turn me into the worst human being ever so that he could and can live with the guilt and shame.

That this nearly broke me....who cares.

I'm good moments, I know that I still have my dignity and integrity, which he has lost (or never had)

In bad moments, I am envious that he seems.to have hit the jackpot- he's free of me, he has a girlfriend who helps him with the children and household chores, he has money, he's in love and I'm single and doing it all on my own

Booh, the ambivalence

I don't think you can put a timeliness on when to be over this kind of thing and he certainly doesn't get to fucking do it!

I was with my ex for 19 years and he did this, my dc were older and he was working abroad and basically didn't come home after meeting someone but of course denied this for as long as possible.

In my case it was a bit easier as I didn't have to see him as much as you do but he abandoned his dc as well as me and this caused major pain to them.

After 3 years I was telling everyone I was over it, but I wasn't, 5 years in I realised I was as I no longer wished unhappiness on him, I literally didn't care if he was happy or not.

These days I can tolerate being in the same room as him for funerals etc and we superficially get on to make things easier for everyone especially the kids. Doesn't mean to say he's my friend or that I even like him but dc have a relationship with him albeit on their terms and that's the best I could hope for really.

Counselling - probably privately paid for and you can get it over the phone. Get it with someone who’s properly qualified too.

I think needing to forgive him is unhelpful, what id suggest is forgiving yourself for being not knowing that you married a total cunt forgive yourself for being trusting, unknowing, kind, considerate etc” you sound like a good person OP and a great mum your girls are lucky to have 1 morally decent adult in their life. When you feel these triggers acknowledge yhem for 1 minute then remind yourself that you are not responsible how other people act but you are responsible for how you react to a situation. Don’t give either of these deceitful low life's head space, you better than them both put together

Honestly don't worry about this OP. You don't need to spend time with him for the sake of your DD, and tbh it probably wouldn't be as nice for her as she thinks it would be. Don't take on the blame for it either - remember it wasn't you who wanted a divorce. I think setting these boundaries firmly will help you to move on.

Re spending time together with the dc in the future - don’t borrow tomorrows troubles. You have no idea what your dc will want in the future in that regard but you can be assured they will want a happy mum - you are entitled to put in your own boundaries with what you will and won’t accept from him.

It feels like he has " hit the jackpot" right now but who knows how true that will turn out to be.

At some point it will be your turn & you have to believe this. At some point you will be the one who has hit the jackpot.

Don't give up hope, life is long with lots of twists & turns & this is just one of those. It will pass. Keep the faith xx

Ok, here we go....
It's Exh job to drop off DDs at school/kindergarten on Thursdays (his day with them).
DD2 currently has speech therapy lessons on Thursday and Fridays. I take her there on Thursday, he takes her there on Friday (which I think is a fair split).

Speech therapy is about a 15 minute bike ride for me.

Now he just messaged me and said "I presume it's ok for me to drop off. Oth girls at yours and you take DD1 to school (5 minutes bike ride)and then DD2 to speech therapy"

Am.i being petty in thinking that it's his job to drop off DD1 at school?. Or shall I set a boundary and say you need to get your babysitter to drop her off if you're going to be late for work otherwise???

What do you think???

How about responding something like: "Sorry, I can't change my plans that quickly. How about meeting at the start of next month to discuss whether to change our routine? We could swap Thursdays and Fridays, for instance"

It sounds very hard and I have two thoughts … why should you have to forgive him? I would tell him that you are finding contact difficult and therefore you want to keep it to as little as possible. The best way you can help your children is by being happy and confident. If having contact with their father or the OW jeopardises that, then keep it to as little as possible. Things will get better. Sending a big hug this evening.

If he needs help one day, it's reasonable enough for him to ask whether you can help out. But you have plans too, so he can't rely on you helping him every time. Long-term changes to your agreement have to be planned in advance.
That way, you would not need to contact each other as much.
If you can't help him out, you do not need to suggest any alternatives or explain why.

Yep, set a boundary, sorry that doesn't work for me. No need to give a reason.
I wouldn't start making digs though, I know you feel like it but it's much better to grey rock and Keep your dignity. Don't let him know he bothers you

I have had an almost identical ecoerience to OP. And I feel the same as her. Also nearly 3 years in.

I think you can not possibly imagine the damage it does to you until you experience it. I will never be over and forget the way I have been treated. I have moved forward in other ways.

I agree with PP, the "sorry, that doesn't work for me" with no further explanation and ideally no further discussion. On second thoughts maybe no need to say sorry. Just "no, I can't do that". Another thought which may help is imagining his response if you had sent that request to him (or an equivalent one). So sorry you are going through this. But I do think you need to hold boundaries, and also be kinder to yourself when setting your definition of causing harm to your children (vs discomfort, inconvenience etc).

Yep, I agree with pp, say no and don't explain why. No need to say he'll need to get a babysitter or help him solve the problem. "Hi exh, I'm afraid that doesn't work for me. Let's stick to the planned drop off arrangements."

So sorry for your pain I feel you, I really do
The pain they've caused is bad enough, being tied to them for life is just torture

i think perhaps you may not have experienced the trauma that this behaviour brings. Long lasting trauma.

OP my situation was just like yours and I wrote a similar post at 3 years. It’s now 10 years and I can’t describe how different everything is. I forgave him, after counselling, after about 3.5 years. I didn’t do it for him. I did if for me and it gave me freedom in a way nothing else could. My family felt he didn’t ‘deserve’ it but it’s nothing to do with what he deserves or not - resentment doesn’t affect him, it affects you. We are now friends. I am happy in a new relationship but I was able to be friends before that happened. It’s a long road but it’s given me total peace. I understand some men are too awful for this! But trying to lay the anger down and let it go is the ONLY way to move on. You’ve given years to this. Take away his power. Counselling helps so much. Good luck, I do know exactly these feelings.

I would reply “sorry, no, I can’t help you with that. Hope you get something sorted “