How to get over ExH and OW

[Mensuckbigtime]

Dear all
It's been 3 years today that my husband and partner of 18 years left me. DDs at the time were 1.5 and 4.5 years old.

Two months after he ended it, I found out that he'd been having an affair with an ex colleague of his that I also know

Three years on, the divorce has been finalised, I have opened my own small business, I have a structure with the girls and I'm generally doing ok.

But sometimes, it all comes crashing down on me and I'm flooded by emotions of hurt, guilt (I pushed him.away because I was a tired, frustrated mother), anger, fury, hatred, loss, grief... all at once.

Having to have contact with him because of our children, constantly hearing stories about the OW through my children... How am I ever supposed to heal when I'm constantly "reminded" of him and her (and them shagging isn't the worst he did to me in terms of emotional abuse)?

How just how am I supposed to do it?

it feels so unfair that I have to deal with all the aftermaths of his behaviour, as I'd the betrayal wasn't bad enough.

For anyone whose done it, how did you heal whilst having to "co parent" with the person that broke your heart?

Or is just how it's going to be? The feelings aren't always acutely there, but when they do come, they hit you with full force.

I just hate it.

Thanks for reading and any advice is much appreciated

In the spirit of being kind to myself.
I just booked a ticket to see Olivia Dean in Copenhagen next year whilst DDs are with their dear father

So excited!

Great news!! Really pleased for you, you deserve it. Btw.. the comment of how it's been 3 years you should be over it. I got that too when he told me his GF was pregnant and I refused to go round for dinner at their house to show the kids we were all one happy family. I had to calmly explain that I was very much over him and was so much happier now but what he did to me and our children I won't ever get over. But... I've realised though there is just no point engaging on these things are he is unable to understand other people's POV and it just makes me angry. Now I just reply or say "noted" and don't engage. Much quieter life but again... I then use exercise so get rid of my built to anger or id been seething 😂

“Emotionally abusive”” because you dare to show feelings about being utterly betrayed by your husband and father of your children and are not running after him like an unpaid PA?! Heard it all now.

What’s his expectation ?! A cheery demeanour and utter subservience?

Yeah, what a bitch I am for not just keeping my mouth shut and wishing him all the best on his merry journey

I spent half my life with that man and I don't know who he is or has become
It's such a head fuck

I don’t hold grudges I hold boundaries. I said this to a Gaslighting arsehole who tried to guilt trip me into speaking to someone who had treated me appallingly. This shut them up.

Wow I'll remember that one

You’re so entitled to be angry, 100%

i agree with those who say to get an app to manage the communications between you, and perhaps be less contactable when they’re with him.

your child staying in nursery until 5pm isn’t punishment or harmful to them, so push back and tell him to make better arrangements or perhaps revisiting the 50/50 situation may be the answer

tell him every time he’s doing this crap that he’s on a 3 strike system and if he lets his dd down once more that it’ll be EOW only. He clearly can’t be trusted to take responsibility for his children or their medical needs so it seems the best way is to remove that from him seeing as he can’t seem to parent sufficiently.

Time to go hard ball. Get ice cold with him and refuse to speak to him unless absolutely necessary

you can explain to your kids that when he’s with them, he is responsible for everything, and if they’re unhappy with that, tell him , tell you and you’ll do what you can to help improve the situation.

ultimately for example if they are bored with him, or left in nursery, that’s on him. If you keep bailing him out, they’re never going to see him for what he is: unreliable.

Honestly it didnt get better until I left go of the guilt I felt by putting boundaries in place.

Therapy helped me realise that my number one priority for my child was keeping me safe, emotionally well and showing myself first self love. Only when I was able to do all of those things could I stay emotionally stable which was the number one most important thing for me to be the type of mother I wanted to be.

Therapy helped me realise it was no longer my job to save, fix and control situations that involved our daughter. All it did was allow her to have a false narrative of the type of parent he was while killing myself in the meantime.

There is a difference in experiences you may not want your kids to have versus them coming to actual harm.

And that meant no long conversations, no listening to his opinions on me, my behaviour or anything outside pure logistics/school/medical.

Every time he treats you like you owe him something, it triggers the fact you use to be a team. He broke that team. Now you are co parents with separate rolls and separate responsibility.

It he cant collect her she stays in child care. Hard as it is, its his job to be turn up and be available.

No shared birthdays, no time around them as a couple. Your kids dont need it. They need you to be the best happy version of yourself you can be.

Only when I was able to totally emotionally separate could I really stop giving a shit.

Honestly 20 years later. I hardly think of him. We can be at events for our daughter. Im married and have more children.

What he did was a shitty thing. He destroyed me, my self esteem, confidence and changed the experience I had raising my daughter than I expected. It did though teach me bigger lessons. Boundaries, that its ok to put myself first. The difference between influence and control and the power of detachment.

But it takes time. Three years is nothing considering your kids are so small, you have to just keep taking it a day at time. Ask yourself is any decision you are about to make regarding him is it an act of self love? If it isnt, will not doing it cause your children harm. Not discomfort harm. If the answer is no, then don't do it.

Thanks for the post.
The thing is, if I revoke the 50:50 split, guess who will be the arseholes... Me

And the girls wouldn't understand it and they'd be upset, because they wouldn't be happy with EOW.

Also if it goes to court, both children would likely be questioned by a judge and I want to avoid that!

Thanks sooo much for your response. I will work on that

Not my problem, not my problem..my new mantra

When he asks why you aren't over it, tell him that you are over it but you just don't like him so you don't want to meet up or pretend that you are friends.

The fact the OW felt comfortable enough to reach out to with such an emotionally manipulative and condescending email tells me you have far to accommodating.

Its so hard to separate what really needs to be done for the kids to be secure happy and healthy and what actually in the long term could be doing them harm.

One of the things I realised so strongly going through the process was what I wanted for me daughter as a woman. Not a child.

I wanted her to grow up into someone who knew it was OK to say no. That isnt OK, it doesn't work for me. I never ever want her to feel she needs to burn herself to the ground tolerating other people's bullshit.

That helped me so much to reframe how I dealt with him. Its ok for them to realise you are two separate units now. Dad is responsible when they are with him and you when they are with you.

Changing from 50/50 to EOW if thats whats best will be because he isnt capable of managing his 50/50. The more you fill in the gaps the more it will take from your life and family unit with your girls to shore up his. That only is ok if it doesn't hurt or damage you. There for making what you have to give to your time less.

I’m about 10 years on from your spot now OP and genuinely I feel neutral towards him.
I did have a bit of a shock a few months ago at parent teacher evening when I accidentally stumbled across him talking to his girlfriend like a piece of shit. Confirmed for me that he is who is, it wasn’t me. As things stand, I don’t invite him into my home, I stand chatting to him at the threshold while dad grabs her bits and bobs. I say no to things if they don’t suit me.
it was a long road those first few years, but just want to re assure you that there is 100 percent light at the end of the tunnel

@Mensuckbigtime why do you think your DC would be questioned by a judge if you challenged the 50-50? I thought kids were spoken to by a social worker who prepared a report for the court.

It might be worth posting in the legal forum asking for advice on what the process is to change care arrangements. Knowledge is power

I think, with kindness, you need to find a way to detach and move on.

Your ex has an affair. That's shitty behaviour. But it was three years ago. He's not shirked his responsibilities to his children. He's now in what sounds like a committed long term relationship with his partner who - by sounds of it - is kind to your children and tried to be kind to you through her misguided email.

Things happen, people fall out of love, people move on. It hurt you a great deal but, with respect, it's been years and you need to deal with your hurt and emotionally move on. Carrying this anger and bitterness only hurts you and will likely cause hassle for your children as they grow up.

Don't love in the UK...

Live

That's what I'm here for. How?.how do I do it..easier said than done and I don't think 3 years is a long time tbh

Op if you look like the bad guy so be it. Do what suits you and have better boundaries in place. That parenting app sounds like it would be a really good idea...all comms through there. Yes your daughters might have to stay later in nursery/school or not get exactly what they need when they are with your ExH however he won't change if you keep behaving like the rescuer. You should think about what your long-term goal is and ruthlessly pursue that.

You can't put in good boundaries with him which will hopefully lead to you healing AND ensure your girls are always OK with him...it's unfortunate for sure, but you can't have it both ways.

You have clearly been through hell and done amazingly well. Op, my heart goes out to you.

He sounds like a shitty, selfish prick, completely blind to his behavior and the impact on you, and doesn't deserve the flexibility that you give him. You don't need to speak to him or keep it nice for the children. You don't need to even be in the same room as him if you don't want to. Let him paint you as the bad guy. So what. Don't engage with any accusations.

Also, read up on the Drama Triangle and think about what roles you play.

I know it's so easy to say this stuff and harder to do, especially with the way you have been treated. You have my sympathies.

I think you do it by finding your own happiness and learning to forgive. For me that starts with understanding the why it happened. It's definitely easier said than done but accepting people make poor decisions and do things that cause pain but life moves on and a lot of time has now passed will help.

What does your own life look like now? Do you have friends and interests? Do you exercise, eat well, travel, try new experiences?

taking your ex out of the equation, how do you want your life to look? What can you do to get there? Building your own happiness is the best way to move on.

A bit of practical advice: don't tell him (or your dc) about your trip to Copenhagen. He sounds like the type to sabotage it.

This sounds like a horrible situation for you and I completely get why you're feeling this way. If the divorce is only just finalised I'd say it’s still early days. Try not to be hard on yourself, you sound like a great mum

I'm doing all that.
I can understand why people have affairs and I know what my part is in the failure of our marriage.

What upsets me isn't even the fact that he shagged another woman,.it's the fact that he does shitty things that involve our children and that he gaslit me and painted me as the most horrible human being to "justify" what he did.

That is emotional abuse.
Like another poster said, the healing process isn't linear and I'm happy in my life but sometimes,.like yesterday, it all comes up

I'm glad you've found a way to forgive not sure I can.

There is no answer OP, there is no way of speeding up the process of healing. As long as you are not blocking the process and trying to feel and behave in ways which are incongruent it will work itself out. If you feel angry accept it, if you feel sad accept it, and lean into these feelings. Don't feel like you have to forgive because that's BS

I second a pp recommendation of using a parenting app for all communication. No verbal communication is required and you won’t jump every time your phone goes off.
What you going through is grief, unfortunately what you grieving for now includes a man who is showing you what a selfish areswipe he is.
Maybe a silly suggestion but how about starting a diary for when the waves come? Write it all down. It might even make you feel better but even in 6 months you will be able to look back and see how far you’ve come.

Re your ex telling you to pick your dc up from school because he has an appointment - plenty of dc stay in afc till 5pm and it does them no harm. I stamped on that one pretty quickly with my ex and he soon managed to avoid afc and if he couldn’t then he couldn’t.
Definitely don’t allow him in your safe space.

Keep on keeping on op