Ex H only wanting fortnightly contact to suit new relationship

[Mumto21234]

Split with ex H in summer due to his emotional affair, which he felt desire to tell me is now a relationship days before i had 2nd baby, not that i asked.
Anyway, i advised that thinking further ahead we need to consider having a routine for seeing kids. Prior to me giving birth to our second, he seen our toddler every weekend.
He has since advised he will want to see kids every second weekend, to accommodate new relationship (although not in those exact words..)
I am shocked at this and cant understand why someone would opt for less time with their kids, considering one of them hadnt even been born yet. There is a lot he has done in last few months that have shocked me though.

I feel this is so unfair to the children and he is only putting his own needs first. I know there is nothing i can actually do about this, and not sure exactly what im looking for here, but how did others cope with with the almost full responsibility of their kids and the dad becoming unreliable/selfish with their version of co parenting?

Any positive stories of getting some sort of life of your own back at some point, when having 2 young kids and a part time dad?

I do have family support, including 1 member of his family.

Struggling to not continue to challenge his poor plan/express my outrage but i know im wasting my time.

Not the positive advice you asked for unfortunately 😕 but expect nothing, rely on getting nothing and you might,but only might, occasionally be surprised in a good way.
In my experience men are able to compartmentalise their feelings and feel no guilt or shame. They are selfish and happy to let you do all the worry and hardwork whilst contributing as little as possible. As for getting some life back in another 18 years?
I do 100% hope that this reality doesn't become yours, if you have support then I hope you can use it partially to have some time to focus on you.
I have four grown children now with two different dads(both useless) my kids absolutely know who was there for them and you reap what you sow, they are not interested in their dads but
would give me the world. I wish you all the best, enjoy your perfect little family, and baby, don't let the bustard get you down.💕

Not unusual.
Every weekend is a huge commitment and does not allow either parent to get on with their life, every other weekend tends to work better.

Yes fortnightly is a long time for a toddler and I suggest you don't tell your child that s/he is seeing daddy until he actually turns up as some men turn out to be hugely unreliable.

This happened with my DH’s ex not long after he & I got together - she met a new boyfriend and reduced her contact with her children to every other week. Youngest was 5 at the time. I found it really weird and sad, but she was prioritising her new relationship (the boyfriend lived several hours away).

It didn’t improve much as time went on - she did eventually increase contact to every week, but only when the kids were old enough to let themselves in after school and be on their own in the evenings/weekends.

Really all you can do is be there consistently for your children, and not count on your ex for appropriate levels of parenting. I’m sorry you’re not getting their father’s support. 💐

Totally selfish, but not surprising as seen many men prefer to spend time with new partners than their own DC. Personally i’d never date someone who told me he was now only seeing his toddler every 2wks as he was dating me. Not much you can do about it unfortunately as you say, make sure he is paying maintenance.

Either insist on a rolling split eg if you want him to have the 2/7 days then one week he has them sat sun, the next week sun/ Mon the week after Mon/ Tues and so on OR accept the every other weekend and more child benefit and he can deal with not being as close to them when they grow up (as inevitably the new relationship will become more important and he will see them less especially if he has a ' new' family. His loss.

He’s a selfish bastard. You need to lower your expectations and he’ll probably still manage to disappoint. It’s his loss, concentrate on you and your babies and be glad he’s not your problem anymore. It will get easier xx

Make sure he pays CM based on his shitty involvement too.
so sorry you’ve been through all this. I hope you’re also managing to do things to look after yourself too 💐

Presumably he's not actually taking the newborn baby away from you so you never actually get time to yourself no matter the contact arrangement? It doesn't sound like he's someone who will be supportive and look after the DC in your house while you rest.....

If he's suggesting EOW then go back to him with something like "I agree we could both do with some downtime so how about you see DCs every other weekend then every Wednesday you pick toddler up from nursery and have him overnight". Nothing too complicated so that it doesn't cause too much angst if he doesn't stick to it. It's a negotiation and you look reasonable. If he says that's too much, he won't look good to a family court judge in the future but it leaves the door open for him to ask for more if he wants.

Part of me wondered if EOW was normal, and i would have had no problem with this if that naturally fell into place as i will at some point want time to myself and appreciate the kids need time with him. Im just shocked he wants this from the outset when he could have more.

Its so bloody frustrating that men just get to do what they wany, and be so selfish.

As for his new partner being put off that he only wants to see his kids fortnightly, she new he was married, that we had a toddler and i was pregnant when the EA, and then phsyical affait started, so she has zero morals and i suspecr this entirely suits her.

But you are all right, you reap what you sow and one day he may look back on his life and realise what poor decisions he made, i wont have that guilt.

One good thing is, this has really helped me see how sefish he is, i seemed to have a low bar for how he treated me, but not the kids. Thats a hard line that he will regret crossing.

Surely the whole point of children is they’re a masive comitment. Personally I think only seeing your child for 1 or 2 days out of 14 is a sign of a crap person.

My ex just assumed it would be every other weekend and never wants more.

When it is a bank holiday I say that DD can stay on the Sunday night if he wants her to and he always kicks off saying he has plans.

Lost my rag once and said "Oh of course, I forget how hard it must be fitting in a social life in the other 26 days a month" got told to fuck off.

So low expectations and dont be at all surprised when he still manages to disappoint.

@Mumto21234 the reality is that any woman having children has a fair chance she will end up a single parent. A louse like your ex who behaves despicably like this with no conscience is never going to prioritise his children.
You will cope. Take all the other support that's available to you, make sure you get every single penny of child maintenance due to you and assets from the divorce, and let him lie in the bed that he's made. It won't end well for him so you focus your energies on creating your new normal.

So now you get more time with dc and he gets less influence on your dc..
Sounds like a win. Tell him you will be finding a regular reliable babysitter.. And do it. Don't let him hold your moving on over a barrel.

@Notusualnameobvs thank you.

I fully intend to get every penny for cms now, and do feel a stronger resolve to stop being so accommodating. I hate that he has the power to just not show up/cancel and there is nothing i can do.

Plan is 50/50 for the sale of house. Im reluctant to push for anything further due to him having debt and me having savings. I also really want to just get the house sold, and move on whilst proceeding with divorce but i absolutely appreciate there is risk involved in this.

At least this has opened your eyes to his selfishness. I'd be surprised if you didn't spend your savings now that you are pretty much the sole parent. Be sure you do get a fair settlement.

He expects you to house the kids 13 nights out of 14 nights and have all the financial and physical responsbility for childcare but wants 50/50 on the house. I’m angry on your behalf. Time to find your inner mama lion.

A huge commitment?

To see his own children?🤔

Useless cunt of a man. Boy really, he can’t be called a man. Take him for all the CMS. I bet the every other weekend will dwindle soon.
I guarantee she won’t be the last, he won’t be with the new one forever

I am angry but feel powerless. I cant make him give a fairer split than 50/50 and worry i would inherit his debt and he my savings if i challenge it legally.
I dont imagine there is much in it re pensions either so it does feel risky.

He is still paying his share of bills, which he does pay slightly more than me each month so worried that would also be taken into consideration.

How men can turn into such bastards is unbelieveable.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Yes, for some it is.
if the average man works mon - fri 9-5, then has his children all day and overnight sat / sun, for some that is too much

and for some it means the children are introduced to the new girlfriend far too soon, esp if the father does lots of dating and there is a different girlfriend every month.

some ' move on ' in / with their lives i.e. they forget they have these children !

and some move on totally, just like changing their new car every 3 years they have more children with other people

note the use of the word some

but back to my original comment, why should / would / could the mother not have a weekend with her children to not see / have / care for her children at a weekend could mean the mother misses out on the ' fun ' times esp when children reach school age.

however in this case it appears the father is already bored of the commitment of seeing his toddler at the weekend and wants ' me ' time to date new girl friend(s)

Nothing of any benefit to add, but my God OP, what an awful man.
I hope you have good support in place and wish you a healthy birth. Surely, he will live to regret this?
Big hugs xx

Probably not a helpful comment, but in the future when the kids are older, you'll be glad he's not got them every single weekend, so probably best to not be in the routine of it now. I'd be telling him he has to have the oldest in the week though!

As hard as it is I’d agree to EOW as it won’t benefit your children to be exposed to a disinterested father and uncaring new partner of his. Your kids will grow up knowing they’re safe with you.

If the house was bought before you had kids then you may be able to get an occupation order until your youngest is 18 or leaves education. I would get all the bank statements and other things such as pension details if you can and seek good legal advice. I’d offer 70/30 or 60/40 split in your favour @Mumto21234

You need legal advice, you are entitled to far more than 50/50 because you have full care of the kids and therefore need to house them. He has left the family home and is successfully already housing himself. If he earns more than you then that again is taken into account.

You really do need to see a solicitor ASAP. He is taking you for a mug.

He has left family home, but is still paying his share, is living with his Dad and i could not afford house on my own anyway so selling is only option. I also would not want to stay here regardless.