Ex H only wanting fortnightly contact to suit new relationship

[Mumto21234]

Split with ex H in summer due to his emotional affair, which he felt desire to tell me is now a relationship days before i had 2nd baby, not that i asked.
Anyway, i advised that thinking further ahead we need to consider having a routine for seeing kids. Prior to me giving birth to our second, he seen our toddler every weekend.
He has since advised he will want to see kids every second weekend, to accommodate new relationship (although not in those exact words..)
I am shocked at this and cant understand why someone would opt for less time with their kids, considering one of them hadnt even been born yet. There is a lot he has done in last few months that have shocked me though.

I feel this is so unfair to the children and he is only putting his own needs first. I know there is nothing i can actually do about this, and not sure exactly what im looking for here, but how did others cope with with the almost full responsibility of their kids and the dad becoming unreliable/selfish with their version of co parenting?

Any positive stories of getting some sort of life of your own back at some point, when having 2 young kids and a part time dad?

I do have family support, including 1 member of his family.

Struggling to not continue to challenge his poor plan/express my outrage but i know im wasting my time.

Agree 50/50 often means a I’m avoiding paying maintenance

50/50 care means 50% of homework never gets done.

I don’t want to sound nasty or anything but I can understand this
most people work all week and literally only have free time one a weekend
i think kids do need to see their parents but I also do think parents need their own time to
to have a kid every weekend your end up never having a social life
i would personally have a child all week because I know I wouldn’t be going out on a week night it’s not so tempting as doing something on a weekend
not just nightlife but anything in general
i know it’s crap on the person who has the kids than all week all weekend and all week again as in a month the other person will only have the kids 4 night a month
but than to have them every weekend I would than personally rather be the week day person and have my weekends free

i I know people will criticise me for that
and thats fine
maybe I ain’t that maternal so easily for me to say
or could you not do it weekly than 7 days a week you than 7 days a week the other parent
tho at the age you said it will be very tricky but maybe something to look into in years to come

I can see the point that every weekend means that if mum and dad both work full time, all mum gets is the crappy "homework dinner bed" or "nursery pick up, bath bed" time and dad gets to do all the fun weekend stuff.

So mum is the horrible authoritarian who makes them do stuff they dont want to do, and dad is the fun one who takes them places and lets them play their games and doesnt need to worry about bed times.

At the moment the OP is on ML so she isnt thinking like that because she has both kids all week and would probably kill for a couple of days off a week. But if that starts now, it means that she will never have fun time off with her kids.

I mean he is a total shit for not wanting to see them more, but in the long run I think that the OP will be grateful that she gets two weekends to do nice stuff with her kids and two weekends where she can do her own stuff. That said, I would be making sure that his "weekend" is after work Friday until after dinner/tea (depending where you live!) on a Sunday, none of this "tea time Saturday until lunchtime Sunday, that is not meaningful contact time for the kids.

Thats the thing these selfish arseholes forget, the contact isnt for the parents, its for the kids. Once the kids realise that Dad is more interested in going out with OW or his new family when that inevitably comes along, a lot of them just dont bother going to see their father because what is the point?

this is why so many of us are saying you need legal advice.

You DO have a say. He may not follow through but during divorce a child arrangements order is made and the judge decides. Then thats it. The only way it can be changed is by going back to court. Thats why I suggested cracking on with the divorce asap because otherwise you will stay in this limbo until that judgement is made.

And ffs make sure that you insist that childcare costs are split 50/50 in the divorce (or seperation agreement if you go ahead with that) because more than a few men say "No, its your time, you pay them" FUCK THAT.

This. No solicitor would let you inherit his debt, or indeed give up your savings with 2 small kids. They would also help with the arrangements for custody etc. Could he not have the toddler one day after work, give tea and back for bed time? Then he’s at least seeing his Dad once a week. He sounds utterly disgusting! Good luck

This is so not fair. You need to get as much money as possible. A 50/50 split will not do. Would you consider to let him have the custody for one or both kids?

Why on earth would she give full custody of one or both kids? There’s a newborn baby for god sake. If the idiot only wants them 4 nights a month, he’s not going to opt to have them full time is he?! I can’t that imagine any Mum would hand over their kids full time to an ex partner, in a new relationship with the affair person, who doesn’t want to see them every week.

What are you on about 😂

Absolutely not, nor would he want to considering he only wants them fortnightly as it stands?

Hi op. I haven’t RTET as I’m at work but I encourage you to embrace having your children as much as possible. Do not worry about him seeing them or facilitate him seeing them. I would have liked this in my post divorce life. Instead he moved yet another woman in almost immediately(not the OW the OOW) eventually despite many problems marrying her then moving out under legal separation and then 5 yrs later finally divorcing. All tumultuous for my dc. And my main reason for telling you this is he still used her for childcare and essentially hid his unavailability behind her and her 5! Dc (not his.) I never really knew who was home and in charge and I hated it.

embrace motherhood focus on your dc yourself and your job the three tenets of a happy life. rest when your dc rest and make simple memories with them day by day.

get as much child support $ you are legally entitled to and keep an old fashioned paper
calendar of his time with dc in case it gets to court someday

I know its difficult when kids are babies OP but you will miss out on the fun times with your kids if he has them every weekend. It would be better if he did a mid week overnight too though as well as the every other weekend.

I think eow is quite normal for a lot of men who can’t possibly do more because of their work.

After we split I insisted if it was eow then it was pick up at school Friday to drop off Monday and on alternate weeks overnight mon from pick up to drop off Tues. This worked well meant that he was doing 4/20 school runs which helped me out being able to work the odd longer day and I didn’t have to see him for handovers and there was no swapping and changing of times. It has evolved now ds is at high school no more Monday nights or Sunday overnights but it has worked well and much better than some more flexible arrangements I’ve seen.

Please go to see a solicitor. You need the house. He’s gone already and proved he can manage outside the family home. You need a proper, formal agreement for this minimal amount of custody because he might decide he doesn’t want the burden of cms and start trying for 50/50. Then get (usually) his mother to look after them whilst he’s off out doing.. well.. whatever. You hear it SO much. Use those savings and get as much as you can. Please do this as soon as you can. You will get a free consultation.

I can't afford house on my own so this isn't an option, although I appreciate the advice.

You may be awarded a much higher percentage than 50/50 of the house but you need a solicitor to argue this.