Ex H only wanting fortnightly contact to suit new relationship

[Mumto21234]

Split with ex H in summer due to his emotional affair, which he felt desire to tell me is now a relationship days before i had 2nd baby, not that i asked.
Anyway, i advised that thinking further ahead we need to consider having a routine for seeing kids. Prior to me giving birth to our second, he seen our toddler every weekend.
He has since advised he will want to see kids every second weekend, to accommodate new relationship (although not in those exact words..)
I am shocked at this and cant understand why someone would opt for less time with their kids, considering one of them hadnt even been born yet. There is a lot he has done in last few months that have shocked me though.

I feel this is so unfair to the children and he is only putting his own needs first. I know there is nothing i can actually do about this, and not sure exactly what im looking for here, but how did others cope with with the almost full responsibility of their kids and the dad becoming unreliable/selfish with their version of co parenting?

Any positive stories of getting some sort of life of your own back at some point, when having 2 young kids and a part time dad?

I do have family support, including 1 member of his family.

Struggling to not continue to challenge his poor plan/express my outrage but i know im wasting my time.

In regards to the house i couldnt afford it on my own, and neither could he. And his cms payment would be less than his contribution to bills currently so house has to be sold. I am also off on mat leave and will have no income soon, so the savings i had planned for mat leave i want to protect to help me possibly get a house - it wouldnt have been a problem using my savings if we were still together but i now need every penny i can get.

In situations I have seen, EOW seems the norm. The dad picks them up on Friday afternoon/evening, then drops them home Sunday evening. If he did that every weekend, and let’s assume he works mon-fri, then he wouldn’t have any time to spend on other relationships/friendships etc. But he should have them for dinner at least one week day, or 2, every week as well.
And this guy also shouldn’t have said it like he did, especially as he had the affair.

@DurinsBane Being passed around like this is not always in the best interests of dc though. It messes up routines like tea/dinner (evening meal) and bath time and bedtime routines. It’s actually better if dad comes round and does this so toddler stays at home.

Dad can also take toddler to nursery and collect if not at work. He can take baby out for a walk.

It amazes me that other women actually want low life like this. Who wants a man who leaves a baby and toddler?

If he’s moved out then see what universal credit you are entitled to in the meantime.

I would speak to a solicitors about the 50/50 house split. What is his debt for? If he’s just gone and bought golf clubs then the court may not consider it. If the debt is to support the family eg house, car, family holiday etc then it would be taken into consideration in the split of assets.

get your own legal advice about how to protect yourself now and your savings which are likely to be spent on his kids.

My ex husband left me for another person in 2018 but still saw our son pretty much weekly even when he was in this new relationship. The new partners family welcomed my son with open arms and got him Christmas gifts and cards etc, and the new partner was lovely, very family focused.

My ex husband then cheated on this partner for a new (much younger) person who had no interest in children, and then he stopped seeing our son completely. Since being in this new relationship (since 2022) he's seen our son a grand total of 30 hours. 30 hours in 3.5 years. He lives a 15 minute bus ride away but he's too busy to see him basically and complains when I ask him to do anything with him. Part of me wonders, is it the new partner that is making this decision, or does our son just not fit into his "new life" anymore?

Every weekend is a huge commitment?! You're saying that to the woman who is expected to do every week day and now every other weekend too? Having children IS a commitment, that shouldn't be news to anyone.

@Naunet

and getting married was a huge commitment and the Op's husband has given up on that too.

Who knows how long he will commit to every other weekend - until future children arrive ? until he moves away ?

Apparently 21% of fathers that are absent don’t see their kids at all when getting a new partner and even more if they get a new family .

That's almost 1 in 5. and they walk amongst us every day.

These fathers should be ashamed of themselves, so should the women they are now with, and their parents.

She had an affair with him knowing he was married, we had a toddler and i was pregnant so she is scum herself.

How does this useless fucker expect to builld a relationship with a newborn every 2 weeks? I'd say no.

He doesn’t want a relationship with dc. He’s not interested! Of course other women are dreadful. They take what they want.

I agree. I used to love my weekend with my boys, weekdays are all work and school and rushing. I then also loved my weekends to socialise etc. however mine went to their dads in the week for one or 2 nights too, a fortnight does seem an awfully long time to not see a child

Firstly OP, huge hugs to you and absolute solidarity that he’s a waste of space. Of course he should want to see his kids more. But as others have said, he’s set out his stall, so in your position, I’d agree to whatever suited me. I’d certainly be ensuring that all significant dates (Xmas, bdays etc) are primarily at home with me. You don’t get the fun/special times without putting in the donkey work I’m afraid.

This is so sad, but so common and relatable.
My ex H had our DDs EOW and one night in the week. He got a new GF and this reduced and reduced down to seeing them for an hour every six months or so. He blamed covid but their sibling was still having regular contact as normal.

When he married his new GF, our DDs were dressed up as bridesmaids and all over social media but they weren’t allowed to stay for the meal and the party, just the ceremony and photos.

He didn’t see them for their birthdays but managed to pop over for Father’s Day. After collecting their gifts for him, he then said he had to rush off because he had to get back home to look after his new puppy.

Him and his GF/DW have now divorced and our DDs don’t like him so he’ll likely be a very lonely old man. His choice

Well OP will have them every weekday and every other weekend, i.e.12 days out of 14. That is a huge commitment with a newborn baby and a toddler which means that her life will revolve totally around her children, unlike their absolute selfish prick of a father.

I hope he gets his comeuppance some day, but unfortunately these sort of men never do.

as far as I’m aware the first consideration the courts take is are the housing needs of the children met.

i would challenge 50:50 on the house on that basis. Regardless of savings. I don’t know if you work. Please do see a solicitor about this. I helped my sister keep her house when her 1 child was little and she divorced she is now sitting on a much bigger asset approaching retirement. Your ex h 2 b sounds like he has his housing needs met ? So the courts may order a charge back on the house to be sold at a later date or when kids are 18. Can you afford to keep the house? You wouldn’t be expected to work until they are secondary age and usually court would order spousal as well as CSM given ages of kids. Please go and see a solicitor

Unfortunately even being back at work full time, which ill need to do sooner than planned, i couldnt afford to keep house on my own

How much are your savings? And how much debt does he have? Where did the debt come from? Do you have anything to prove that your savings were to pay for your maternity leave such as text messages etc between you?

If the debt is his personal debt, spent on hobbies, going out (and OW) etc then it would be unlikely to be awarded as a marital debt. If it was spent on stuff for the house for example or a family holiday then it might be.

Your savings being spent on a solicitor could be a good investment.

Any debt/savings leveling up I would ask to be put on to any equity released from the house rather than in cash from your bank account.

I think that rather than getting a seperation agreement you would be better served just going ahead with the divorce, that way you get the financial and child arrangements orders all signed off in one step.

Spousal support is rarely awarded these days, unless one half is an extremely high earner or independently very wealthy, which he isnt if they need both incomes to pay the mortage.

But......a larger proportion of the equity would almost certainly be awarded to the OP due to her needing to house herself and the children.

ETA the OP would certainly be expected to work before her youngest is at senior school. Your experience may have been true at the time of your sisters divorce but it is somewhat out of date.

Is this in the U.K.? He can’t make you sell the house if it is the children’s main residence (which it clearly is). Absolutely challenge it legally. You can get a free half hour legal advice to get key questions answered with most divorce solicitors.

Are you absolutely sure you can’t take on the mortgage alone?

Hello @Mumto21234
I was in a similar ish position - DS’s father left before he was born, and when the lawyer asked if he wanted an agreement to cover child access etc, he said no. This was because he didn’t want a regular visitation or care pattern because it would tie him down. When DS was very young, he would sometimes see him twice in one week and other times go five or six weeks without seeing him (or even calling to ask after him). Sometimes he would tell me he would come to visit DS and then just not show up at all on the agreed day, so I stopped telling DS that his dad would be coming, so he wouldn’t be disappointed.

It took me a while to come to terms with this because normally you hear about dads desperate to see their kids as much as possible. At first I wanted him to see DS more consistently but then, just before DS’ christening (which his dad refused to /attend), our vicar said “noone can force him” and I just realised that it was pointless.

Therefore I have focused on making sure he contributes financially, one way or another, and facilitating (wherever possible) him to see DS when he wants to, which is usually about 4 weeks a year during the school holidays and maybe a couple odd days here and there on a weekend. Their relationship is therefore less like that of a dad and son, more like a semi-distant uncle and nephew.

The main battles have come when he tells me at short notice when he wants to have DS to stay with him. Obviously I have to make watertight arrangements in advance for the half terms and school holidays when I am work, be it booking activity camps or staying with relatives etc as well as booking our own holiday, so it is always very frustrating when his dad won’t commit to giving me dates when he wants him until the last minute. I would definitely recommend setting an ironclad notice period ie “if you give me less than X weeks notice, expect the answer to be no”. After several years he finally learned that if he wanted his choice of dates he needed to ask well in advance so he normally does now.

It seems so unfair that the courts can stop a father from seeing his kids but they have no power to make a father see his kids, and therefore that all the responsibility and uncertainty falls on the mother. He has had a whole string of girlfriends since DS was born while I have had nobody. However in some ways the arrangement has been good for DS because he hasn’t been constantly shuttled between houses every week, with all the difficulties that brings.

So glad someone said this! The bar for men and "fathers" is abysmally low. If I were OP I'd push for 50/50 custody of the kids. See how that turns out. She deserves to have a life too! But instead she's left here with the kids 26 days out of the month and he gets to swan about life mainly unchanged? Nah

@Pheebs87 Why 50/50? This is not good for most dc. They need one resident parent. They aren’t lives of cake to be skived up to make a point to men! That’s absolutely unacceptable.

Quite often men wanting 50/50 interfere with decisions made sensibly by mum too. They can be problematic over child care, schools, holidays and anything else they want to argue about. Keep difficult men at arm’s length and keep control. Your dc will thank you for it.

Its just exhausting being told, and feeling like i have no say. But ill always do whats best for kids so if he fucks up hell mend him, ill become the bad guy he has convinced himself i am.

So many men pretend to want 50/50, it's only in the hope/expectation of not paying maintenance.