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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex H only wanting fortnightly contact to suit new relationship

141 replies

Mumto21234 · 01/11/2025 10:14

Split with ex H in summer due to his emotional affair, which he felt desire to tell me is now a relationship days before i had 2nd baby, not that i asked.
Anyway, i advised that thinking further ahead we need to consider having a routine for seeing kids. Prior to me giving birth to our second, he seen our toddler every weekend.
He has since advised he will want to see kids every second weekend, to accommodate new relationship (although not in those exact words..)
I am shocked at this and cant understand why someone would opt for less time with their kids, considering one of them hadnt even been born yet. There is a lot he has done in last few months that have shocked me though.

I feel this is so unfair to the children and he is only putting his own needs first. I know there is nothing i can actually do about this, and not sure exactly what im looking for here, but how did others cope with with the almost full responsibility of their kids and the dad becoming unreliable/selfish with their version of co parenting?

Any positive stories of getting some sort of life of your own back at some point, when having 2 young kids and a part time dad?

I do have family support, including 1 member of his family.

Struggling to not continue to challenge his poor plan/express my outrage but i know im wasting my time.

OP posts:
Bunny44 · 02/11/2025 17:51

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 01/11/2025 15:24

Women doing this to each other is just so fucking depressing. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the man that has the responsibility to you. but to knowingly have a relationship with a man who's wife is pregnant is particularly low n scummy.
Reap what you sow cheaters

They spin all sorts of lies for sympathy don't they... And there's always someone willing to fall for it.

My ex left me while pregnant then hit on me again a few years later after marrying OW. She saw his inappropriate messages to me. This led to a text convo between us which revealed the extent of his lies when he was cheating on me with her. She didn't want to believe the truth even when I sent screen shots as proof. Think him telling her he didn't know I was pregnant until he left me, telling her we'd stopped sleeping together, that the baby wasn't planned. They lie so much to get what they want and it's all so predictable. And they don't change!

I stopped feeling sorry for her once I realised that she'd just believe anything he said.

hazelowens · 02/11/2025 17:58

My youngest was 7 when I split from their dad and he only wanted every other weekend but our youngest didn't cope with it so he used to have 2 days in the week he didn't have them at the weekend. Then we changed to 50/50 so he has Friday to Thursday one week and I have the other week. To be honest I don't think our youngest has spent a full week with him in a long while as he is 18 now and has a girlfriend that he isn't allowed to have over at his dad's so he spends 90% of his time here.

SapphireSeptember · 02/11/2025 17:58

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/11/2025 10:33

Not unusual.
Every weekend is a huge commitment and does not allow either parent to get on with their life, every other weekend tends to work better.

Yes fortnightly is a long time for a toddler and I suggest you don't tell your child that s/he is seeing daddy until he actually turns up as some men turn out to be hugely unreliable.

Presumably OP having the kids for the other 12 days out of 14 isn't a big commitment then?

Borrowing what I saw another Mumsnetter say, the bar for men is so low they're limbo dancing under it in hell.

SwingasanPsychologist · 02/11/2025 18:00

Let him. Your kids are better off not being exposed to a parent who does not want them, and does not have their best interests at heart. Forcing him to uphold more contact won’t help you or the kids.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/11/2025 18:02

Forget about the other woman and focus on your DC and yourself. Their father is a a selfish shit but you must ensure they don't ever think that is their fault. He should have weekday access, as well as weekend. Your earning potential will be severely hampered if you are trying to do all childcare during the week.

hypnovic · 02/11/2025 18:02

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/11/2025 10:33

Not unusual.
Every weekend is a huge commitment and does not allow either parent to get on with their life, every other weekend tends to work better.

Yes fortnightly is a long time for a toddler and I suggest you don't tell your child that s/he is seeing daddy until he actually turns up as some men turn out to be hugely unreliable.

A huge commitment? He was married and meant to be a father. Its a cop out. So she is expected to parenent 12 days solid no break so he doesnt have to put four out of 14 in? Wild.

OP its horrible for you but focus on your little family don't rely on him and build a beautiful life ❤️

tommyhoundmum · 02/11/2025 18:04

Pinkladyapplepie · 01/11/2025 10:28

Not the positive advice you asked for unfortunately 😕 but expect nothing, rely on getting nothing and you might,but only might, occasionally be surprised in a good way.
In my experience men are able to compartmentalise their feelings and feel no guilt or shame. They are selfish and happy to let you do all the worry and hardwork whilst contributing as little as possible. As for getting some life back in another 18 years?
I do 100% hope that this reality doesn't become yours, if you have support then I hope you can use it partially to have some time to focus on you.
I have four grown children now with two different dads(both useless) my kids absolutely know who was there for them and you reap what you sow, they are not interested in their dads but
would give me the world. I wish you all the best, enjoy your perfect little family, and baby, don't let the bustard get you down.💕

This is what I surmised many years ago and chose not to marry. I did, however,
take on the care of a child which has worked out well.

Borethefuckoff · 02/11/2025 18:06

Sounds like a massive prick but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want the kids so I wouldn’t be encouraging any more time!

rainingsnoring · 02/11/2025 18:07

Your ex is a selfish bastard. I'm sorry to read this. It's very positive that you have good support to help you to manage when the children are little. In time, you will have the rewards from a close relationship with them.

Ncforthiscms · 02/11/2025 18:08

Mine started at EOW and we are now at the odd hour here & there. Absolute waste of space.

rainingsnoring · 02/11/2025 18:08

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/11/2025 10:33

Not unusual.
Every weekend is a huge commitment and does not allow either parent to get on with their life, every other weekend tends to work better.

Yes fortnightly is a long time for a toddler and I suggest you don't tell your child that s/he is seeing daddy until he actually turns up as some men turn out to be hugely unreliable.

Many men have their children during the week, not just at weekends. Only the useless fathers only see their own DC every other weekend, unless the circumstances absolutely prohibit it.

JustWantsSomeSleep · 02/11/2025 18:13

I'd get advice but would suggest life in the future will be easier if you formally seek full custody of the children he's not interested in... so that when it comes to child benefits / school / other things in future he can't mess it up... claim "parental responsibility" when it suits him... that sort of thing can be a nightmare.

oforjceosn · 02/11/2025 18:15

Ncforthiscms · 02/11/2025 18:08

Mine started at EOW and we are now at the odd hour here & there. Absolute waste of space.

Came here to say this. My ex openly says he need his free time for his gf and her kids as he doesn’t see them during his busy working week…

Sammyspurs · 02/11/2025 18:15

I’ve done it on my own for the last 9 years with zero contact from their dad (we were in a relationship for 7 years).
it’s hard OP but you just get on and do it- you and your children will realise you don’t need him in your lives.
good luck

WanderingWellies · 02/11/2025 18:19

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/11/2025 13:02

So now you get more time with dc and he gets less influence on your dc..
Sounds like a win. Tell him you will be finding a regular reliable babysitter.. And do it. Don't let him hold your moving on over a barrel.

Precisely. I’m in a similar situation and the best thing is that most of the time my kids are with me and my family and will learn from us what commitment, selflessness and real love mean. Their other parent - already on second live in relationship in 18 months since we split - bails whenever things feel a bit hard, which they’re already realising.

WanderingWellies · 02/11/2025 18:24

hypnovic · 02/11/2025 18:02

A huge commitment? He was married and meant to be a father. Its a cop out. So she is expected to parenent 12 days solid no break so he doesnt have to put four out of 14 in? Wild.

OP its horrible for you but focus on your little family don't rely on him and build a beautiful life ❤️

Show quote history

What kind of mother wants to do Monday to Friday with most of the kids’ waking hours being getting ready for school etc and then getting home with time to basically eat and get ready for bed and then let the other
parent play ‘fun dad’ every weekend with none of the hard work and responsibility?

washinwashoutrepeat · 02/11/2025 18:28

It is horrible, but incredibly typical in this situation.

STBXH and I have an EOW arrangement, and I am fortunate to have been able to match it up with my DP’s arrangements for his DC without any difficulty. blended families are not easy…

What about when you return to work?

JJWT · 02/11/2025 18:30

Mumto21234 · 01/11/2025 13:04

@Notusualnameobvs thank you.

I fully intend to get every penny for cms now, and do feel a stronger resolve to stop being so accommodating. I hate that he has the power to just not show up/cancel and there is nothing i can do.

Plan is 50/50 for the sale of house. Im reluctant to push for anything further due to him having debt and me having savings. I also really want to just get the house sold, and move on whilst proceeding with divorce but i absolutely appreciate there is risk involved in this.

Why are you selling the house? You can stay put until the youngest child has completed their education, surely? If he doesn't like that, tough. He has to carry on paying, not your problem, he decided to cheat, not you. He can't insist on realising the asset until the children of the marriage no longer require housing. Please see a solicitor. He's taking the piss.

Emmz1510 · 02/11/2025 18:36

What a fucking waste of space. If this happened to me I’d almost rather he didn’t see them at all than a poxy once a fortnight! That’s not a father.
The thing that would potentially worry me is if he changes his mind in future and decides to mess them around even further by deciding he wants more contact again. Especially if the current relationship goes tits up. Having already given them the message that they aren’t a priority over whoever he happens to be with at any given time. Be prepared to stick to your guns and say that no, he chose once a fortnight, it can stay at that. At least until such times as the children can make an informed choice themselves how often to see him. Keep written records of everything in case he takes you to court for more contact in future.

GRCP · 02/11/2025 18:42

I’d be so miserable seeing my kids only one weekend every 2 weeks. I just don’t get it.

ZoeCM · 02/11/2025 18:52

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/11/2025 10:33

Not unusual.
Every weekend is a huge commitment and does not allow either parent to get on with their life, every other weekend tends to work better.

Yes fortnightly is a long time for a toddler and I suggest you don't tell your child that s/he is seeing daddy until he actually turns up as some men turn out to be hugely unreliable.

But having children is a huge commitment. How does seeing your children every weekend stop you from "getting on with your life"?

Original poster
Mumto21234 · 02/11/2025 18:57

Sunshineismyfavourite · 02/11/2025 17:30

Nor sure if I'm missing something and happy to be told otherwise! But, don't you want to have your DCs at the weekend at all? I was a single parent to my DS and exDH used to have him EOW. I worked full time so it was hard work but there was no way I wanted to just work and barely see my DS. I didn't want to see him only for an hour or so in the evenings and for a hurried breakfast before nursery drop off. Weekends were precious for us to spend time together.

Yeah think you are missing where i said i wouldnt expect or want him to have them every weekend for full weekends, but expected he would want 1 day or 1 overnight each weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumto21234 · 02/11/2025 19:00

mumofamudmagnet · 02/11/2025 17:44

Id ask if he could also have them a night or 2 during the week that he isn't having them at weekend (if you're happy with that). Even if this is only the older child until the baby is a bit older. But in saying that, there has to be some level of fairness here. But most importantly, there's 2 small children only seeing their dad one a fortnight. Is this enough for them?

Yeah my concern is its not enough for them, for my toddler who will miss him and my youngest who might not get a chance to bond properly with him. And why is it enough for him?!

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 02/11/2025 19:56

Plan is 50/50 for the sale of house. Im reluctant to push for anything further due to him having debt and me having savings.
**
I cant make him give a fairer split than 50/50 and worry i would inherit his debt and he my savings if i challenge it legally.

Are you doing a financial order as part of the divorce OP? You're making it sound like this is an informal agreement. I've not been through this myself, but I've read lots on here that it's best to have a clean break with a financial order in place, otherwise it leaves you open to having him come after any savings you have at a later date (something he could do if he has debt).

BeWittyRobin · 02/11/2025 20:11

I find Every other weekend is usually the norm . Mine were school age so slightly different but found it worked best all round as they got older also. I wouldn’t have wanted to give up every weekend once school age cos that’s family time without the everyday life of work and school. Also found it was quite a good routine. Only thing in my situation I didn’t like is, it was only sat am- sun pm which made my child free time to rewind, reset and have adult time child free hard. Could you suggest Fri-Monday morning every other week?

things do get easier in time. It’s all still very raw, I split with my ex because he had an affair, it stings but 5 years on it’s much better for all x