Ex H only wanting fortnightly contact to suit new relationship

[Mumto21234]

Split with ex H in summer due to his emotional affair, which he felt desire to tell me is now a relationship days before i had 2nd baby, not that i asked.
Anyway, i advised that thinking further ahead we need to consider having a routine for seeing kids. Prior to me giving birth to our second, he seen our toddler every weekend.
He has since advised he will want to see kids every second weekend, to accommodate new relationship (although not in those exact words..)
I am shocked at this and cant understand why someone would opt for less time with their kids, considering one of them hadnt even been born yet. There is a lot he has done in last few months that have shocked me though.

I feel this is so unfair to the children and he is only putting his own needs first. I know there is nothing i can actually do about this, and not sure exactly what im looking for here, but how did others cope with with the almost full responsibility of their kids and the dad becoming unreliable/selfish with their version of co parenting?

Any positive stories of getting some sort of life of your own back at some point, when having 2 young kids and a part time dad?

I do have family support, including 1 member of his family.

Struggling to not continue to challenge his poor plan/express my outrage but i know im wasting my time.

Yeah i wouldnt want him to have them every weekend, fully, now but would have expected he would want them one friday night then next saturday or something along those lines. I cant imagine not seeing my kids from a friday to sunday every second weekend so really dont want that.

Youngest will be far too young to consider this any time soon anyway, but i hate the thought of missing out on elements of their lives because he turned out to be a pig.

I really truly believed he was a good guy.

Women doing this to each other is just so fucking depressing. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the man that has the responsibility to you. but to knowingly have a relationship with a man who's wife is pregnant is particularly low n scummy.
Reap what you sow cheaters

Sorry, another one sharing a not so positive story. I've been separated from exH for 6 years now and over that time he has gradually reduced his time with the kids. Started 50/50 (was never actually that as I had to do all schools runs and had them all day every day during covid but hey ho!), then after a few months (funnily enough when covid regs eased!), we went to EOW, one night a week and half school holidays. Now he has them 3 weeks of school holidays (only sees them for about 2 days over xmas even though his offices sgut for 2 weeks and he is off work). He also cancels his weekends, actually telling me it's to spend time with his GF. A year ago he told me he wanted to cut his weekends down to one night only as his GF doesn't like the kids being there. Honestly it makes my blood boil and still gets to me all these years on. Wish I had some advice for you but I'm still navigating it myself. I dont think I will ever be able to understand how a parent can choose to see their kids so little and also why a new woman would be ok with that too. On a positive note to end though, I am happy, my kids are happy and I have a fantastic relationship with them both... so hang in there xx

You need consider pensions too.

@Didshejustsaythatoutloud I don’t understand why a women would want a relationship who treats their pregnant wife thsi way. If that’s how they treat their wife, how will they treat a girlfriend?

Just to add @Mumto21234 my exh also had affairs (3!) and I ended up having counselling for 3 years afterwards to help me. Be kind to yourself and make sure you talk to people as it is a terrible thing to go through

I think EOW is fairly normal. Presumably you will be back within the next year so you will both be working during the week and it means you get to equally enjoy the same amount or fun time.

I also wouldn’t feel happy with being parted from my newborn at this stage but appreciate that is just my view.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through, especially at what should have been such a special time in your family’s life, his behaviour is nothing short of dreadful. To be honest I think you’re just going to become very frustrated expecting anything of him. My ex switched to every other weekend when he got into a new relationship, yes wasn’t happy about it but nothing I could do about it really and would of saved myself alot of angst by just accepting that fact and looking at ways to not rely on his support e,g planning activities for the weekend, enlisting in childcare to give myself a bit of free time when available etc. If he’s paying maintenance via CMS then the amount you receive should reflect this reduction in the shared care

He’s a total bastard to do this to you and your children. I went through similar things and can say my advice is to not rely on him, and to mentally distance yourself from the idea of him being there for the children. It’s hard but lower your expectations and it will be harder to get hurt. He has no morals.

I understand that but it doesnt mean that you shouldnt push for a larger share. He has to sort out just himself, you have to sort out you and two kids, so out of 100% of the pot you need far more than 50%, you need 70% minimum and a solicitor will help you get that.

Not making a fuss means you will get taken to the cleaners. Please please see a solicitor, even if its jjust so you know what you should be fighting for.

He's a massive arsehole and you're going to do so much better without him, even if it's a struggle now x

Honestly, he will probably end up seeing them even less

Thanks everyone. Its terrible to see how common this can be!

Im really trying to lower my expectations of him and expect nothing but feel so angry at the injustice, and angry on behalf of my kids, accepting their dad is choosing less time with them for his gf!

I can and probably will move in with my parents soon just for extra support/company, but house is a bit hectic with brother and his family currently living there due to delays with new build.

There is not one part of this situation that is ideal and i am so frustrated at the position i have been forced into!

Sorry, I haven't read everything but if he were to continue to take them every weekend, you would find yourself with the hard work of supervising school work and suchlike with none of the pleasure of doing something new at the weekend

Moronic.

I just wanted to say that my ex vanished in a cloud of narcissistic insanity and has not seen the kids at all for three years. It’s been hard, not going to lie, but I’ve got a lovely new partner and am happy. It is possible.

But honestly thought what a pillock. I hope he falls in a ditch and his willy gets gnawed off by badgers.

Edit: I meant TB badgers.

He only wants every second weekend. It’s probably only knowing what others would think that would stop him saying no if the op offered to bring them past once a month for him to pat them on the head, say daddy loves you so much, do you love daddy? Here’s a chocolate, be good and work hard, see you next month.

This is a problem. I wouldnt say we need to contact loved ones everyday, but at least once to twice a week.

Yeah at the moment he sees toddler for half an hour at most week days before toddler goes to bed. That wont be sustainable long term anyway so week day contact will be reduced and he now only wants fortnightly. Blows my mind, but it does help me see him more for who he is, i somehow must have overlooked his selfishness for the 14+ years we were together!

But i guess 2 young kids doesnt suit other woman, and we must of course ensure she is treated fairly, her being such a morrally rightous and good person.

It's shit op it really is

My exp doesn't even have another woman and he can barely be arsed

You won't want him in your home every single day for 30 mins or so, so sooner or later you both need to decide on contact. Legally if needed.

Take him for everything.

Nor sure if I'm missing something and happy to be told otherwise! But, don't you want to have your DCs at the weekend at all? I was a single parent to my DS and exDH used to have him EOW. I worked full time so it was hard work but there was no way I wanted to just work and barely see my DS. I didn't want to see him only for an hour or so in the evenings and for a hurried breakfast before nursery drop off. Weekends were precious for us to spend time together.

I think it’s a lot harder as your children are so young. Just think in a few years they will be at school full time and you will treasure the weekend with them. Especially if you are working through the week. If I were to split with my DH, I would push for EOW, controversial maybe.

2 days in 7 is a big commitment when presumably the mother has them 5 days in 7?? Why do people have such abysmal expectations of men. Can you imagine if this was reversed? If a woman said she saw her children 2 days in 14? People would say she was a shit parent. I dumped a man who I found out only saw his kids once a week as I was so appalled (the mother wanted him to have them more but apparently he was too busy 🤬).

Id ask if he could also have them a night or 2 during the week that he isn't having them at weekend (if you're happy with that). Even if this is only the older child until the baby is a bit older. But in saying that, there has to be some level of fairness here. But most importantly, there's 2 small children only seeing their dad one a fortnight. Is this enough for them?

This happened to me twice, I ended up with sole custody of them both. I can only say acceptance and planning were key to moving forwards. Literally building our lives around our home and planing like neither father existed worked the best. Overtime they surprised me and did have te odd weekend with them, but I prioritised "us" over them.