Ex H only wanting fortnightly contact to suit new relationship

[Mumto21234]

Split with ex H in summer due to his emotional affair, which he felt desire to tell me is now a relationship days before i had 2nd baby, not that i asked.
Anyway, i advised that thinking further ahead we need to consider having a routine for seeing kids. Prior to me giving birth to our second, he seen our toddler every weekend.
He has since advised he will want to see kids every second weekend, to accommodate new relationship (although not in those exact words..)
I am shocked at this and cant understand why someone would opt for less time with their kids, considering one of them hadnt even been born yet. There is a lot he has done in last few months that have shocked me though.

I feel this is so unfair to the children and he is only putting his own needs first. I know there is nothing i can actually do about this, and not sure exactly what im looking for here, but how did others cope with with the almost full responsibility of their kids and the dad becoming unreliable/selfish with their version of co parenting?

Any positive stories of getting some sort of life of your own back at some point, when having 2 young kids and a part time dad?

I do have family support, including 1 member of his family.

Struggling to not continue to challenge his poor plan/express my outrage but i know im wasting my time.

I’d love it if my ex wanted fortnightly contact he decided not to see them instead every other weekend is the norm and means you both get to spend time with them on the weekend

Not applied for divorce yet but planning to have a seperation agreement drawn up to deal with finances in meantime, and to cover any future assets.

To be honest every second weekend is a fairly normal arrangement in these situations. Will be have the children the full weekend? Fri-sun? That will allow you to have free time and a life as well (which you will need as having the kids all week yourself is a lot). Can he have them any weekdays even for the day or dinner time and bring home for bed time?

I do appreciate it may be the norm for many, its the boldness of opting for this to suit new relationship and him not wanting to see the kids more that shocks me.

He says he will do full weekends, which i really dont want to not see my kids for 2 full days, however youngest is too young for that so realistically i wont have any 'free' time for a while.

I will give you statistics so you don’t feel so alone . 21% of fathers that are absent don’t see their kids at all when getting a new partner and even more if they get a new family .
My advice is prepare yourself for the possibility of this happening because as you say you’re self he is a selfish guy and they always put themselves first .

Starting point is 50/50 but if you're primary carer you should be entitled to more like 60-65% to house the children.

It your choice of course what you settle for, as long as you can live on it, live with it on reflection, no judgement but make sure you're not people pleasing and regret it later x

As long as savings weren't commingled they aren't marital, if they were then fair!

Sorry he's a deadbeat. They do get more independent and it does get easier, take all the help! He however will never be better than now and likely be worse.

Boundaries for the children consistency.

Hugs x

….But it’s ok for the OP ‘commit to care for THEIR two children 12/14 days?
Im sure every other weekend may suit some, but every case is different, and it seems this is not the case here.

I think the main thing is you have to incentivize him to do more and do better. Keep the ‘fun stuff’ like Christmas for yourself. That’ll get his attention. Then say I agree it’s really important the kids have quality time with you, and suggest dates and times they can go to him. Either he’ll take them more, or you’ll have a good record of him turning down time with them.

It's very sobering when people turn out to be completely different from who we thought they were.

What about if a woman works 9-5 mon-fri ?is that too much for her? Can’t believe what I’ve just read

I would insist on all weekend - so Friday pick up through to late Sunday or even Monday school drop off once that starts. Then you’ll have free weekends

Bring them up alone OP. Give them consistency and routine. They don't need a man who is half in half out pf their lives, thinking with his willy rather than his love for them.

@bumblebubble23

Did you read the % given by @freakingscared ?

I was only pointing out how some and yet again note the use of the word some fathers will behave.

I have only been here a couple of years, but have read in more than one thread that some fathers haven't seen their children for years - their choice.

I am not agreeing with these fathers, just saying it's all been seen before.

DGS is 8 and his father not only resents having to have him one night midweek as well as EOW, he (or his gf) often plan social stuff on his weekends so DGS gets sent to his wider family. Funny how it’s fathers rather than mothers who find it so easy.

I follow some lovely mums on instagram, they are single mums bringing up babies and toddlers due to ex’s cheating, some dads have zero contact others do 50/50, their pages are very insightful and inspiring, might be helpful to you.
Im glad you have some family support too xx

I can really relate to what you’re going through. My ex was quite similar — I didn’t hear from him for a whole year after our DD was born because he was avoiding child support. Then, out of the blue, he said he wanted to see our DD once a month, but he wouldn’t travel to us (we lived about two and a half hours apart) he wanted to meet halfway instead.

At the time, I made the effort because I truly believed it was important for our DD to at least know who her dad was. In reality, we probably only met five or six times over sixteen months. He cancelled constantly with one pathetic excuse after another, and eventually I stopped being the one to organise everything. Unsurprisingly, we haven’t heard from him in many years now.

I used to want so much for my DD to know her biological dad and have some sort of relationship with him, but I’ve accepted that you can’t force someone to parent. It’s a painful realisation, but also a freeing one. I’ve come to see that my DD is probably better off when he cared about her so little. She was such a sweet, gorgeous toddler too, I never understood it and I don't think I ever will.

The happy ending is that she now has the most wonderful stepdad, and they share such a lovely bond. We’re a really happy family, and I’ve let go of the anger and disappointment. In the end, the only person missing out is my ex — our DD is the best thing that ever happened to him, and he’ll never know it.

Sending you strength, it’s so hard, but things really can work out in the end. I have a very close relationship with my DD and I think it's partly because of the years I spent as a single parent.

I feel like some of the points are getting missed. He's seeing your DC almost daily at the moment? (how far away is he living currently?) You only want him to have one day every weekend and not a full weekend (whether that's every weekend or every other weekend). Are you saying that when it goes to EOW he's wanting to stop the mid week contact too? When they are old enough to both stay over with him, what would you want that to look like ideally?

You sound very together and level headed for someone going through what you are. Yes, get as much cs as you can and just get on with your own life. Expect him to slowly back out of your kid's lives and think of it as a bonus if he doesn't.

EOW doesn't mean that anyone gets to share anything equally. The sheer stress of getting the kids up and ready every morning, off to nursery or wherever before rushing to work yourself, always being the one to do pick ups, tea, bedtimes, up during the night with sick or unsettled kids, the entire practical and emotional weoght resting on her shoulders and hers alone. She'll spend her EOW exhausted from no break during the past 2 weeks when shes had sole care of them and trying to catch up on stuff that she couldn't do when she had the kids all the time.

Only a shitty selfish man would be happy with EOW and I can't imagine how low the bar mist be for the woman who is with that kind of man.

Do you have their usernames?

I think op is worried that if she gets a lawyer so will he and his lawyer will go for half her savings and make her responsible for half his debts. And lawyer fees to that and she may feel its not worth the hassle. Sometimes peace of mind is the better option. She knows where she would stand going forward and can work with this. If he surrendered the house it may also lower her cs anyway.

Having your children 12 days out of 14 is a huge commitment for the OP and doesn’t allow the OP much of an opportunity for a life let alone a new relationship/opportunities for a social life whilst her ex gets to do whatever he wants whilst only parenting 2 days out of 14 because he has a girlfriend.

Thats some utterly selfish bullshittery right here.

@Mumto21234 You will probably have to suck this up right now.

DD is a family barrister. She says the most often used contact is 5 nights out of 14. Thus is for school age dc and given them a stable home for most school days.

As toddlers, visits are far more flexible. Bedtime gets compromised if they are out in the evenings and I guess he’s working in the week.

Unfortunately many men aren’t bothered about dc and actually resent them. They don’t prioritise them. Go and see a solicitor to talk through your options if you are divorcing. If not married, give serious thought to your future finances.

Depending on how far you live from each other once you have both moved will probably help with making a decision on when he sees the kids.

dont focus on overnights as an only option. Hopefully you end up close to each other that he would be able to see the kids a few tea times a week and then also every other weekend, with the toddler sleeping over and the new baby sleeping over when they are a bit older.

may be a good idea to do it month by month. Use an online calendar and mark out the days you want and say “you can have whatever available days you want”. Or if that wouldn’t work for you send him a blank calendar at let him have first choice 🙄. Either way he probably feels he has the “choice” and may be more willing to accommodate more time with his kids. Also give you a month in advance to plan time for yourself which most likely will be a bubble bath or a chance to watch an episode of your tv show. But it’s a start.

while your in the shared house would he be able to come and settle the kids for bedtime a few nights a week? I understand this would be difficult but maybe an option?

as much as you wanting time to yourself is not going to be very much or any for a while as that’s just the way it is with a newborn and a toddler regardless if dad is in the picture or not. Rightly or wrongly.

He lives 5 minutes away, if and when i move in with family i fully anticipate this will stop and he may see them once during week and then EOW so his contact will be reduced quite significantly, at his request.