Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

[Black51]

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

Personally I wouldn’t share it. I don’t see what good it would do to anyone.

Your mum might already be aware? It would have been a difficult thing for him to keep secret, if he’d lost his job and couldn’t teach again somewhere else?

How is telling people going to help? It doesn't achieve anything. I would just shred the papers, and put it behind me.

Why on Earth would you consider doing that? What do you think that would achieve really? If your Mother did not know, imagine the effect that could have, on a elderly person.

Do any of your siblings have children? I would want to know if I had kids, so I could make sure he never did anything to them.

I’m really sorry, I know he was your dad and this must be awful for you, but abusers are always abusers. They don’t just stop or change, especially if he didn’t have intensive therapy.

I know everyone says it won’t help anyone and just keep it quiet, but I couldn’t. And I would want to know the truth about my family.

Hard. I wouldn't want the stress on you alone. So i think i'd advise to share.

Im so sorry you found that information out OP. I'm not sure what I would do, I probably would share it though but its not my life and I don't know how your Mum and brother would react. I think I would share in case he's had any contact with young boys since the conviction including your brother. 😞

Your mum will know. Talk to her about it.

No pervert should be left on a pedestal.
Put them back.

Is there a possibility your brothers might have been abused?

I absolutely wouldn't tell anyone. I can't think of any good that could possibly come of it.

I don't see what good would come out of sharing this with your family.

However, it is quite an upsetting secret for you to bear totally by yourself.
Do you have some close friend or confidente that you could talk to about what you've found? Somebody who is non judgemental. It might help you to talk things over with someone you trust.

I can understand the need to share/ process. Would speaking to a counsellor help?

surprised it was kept
no point in keeping it

Sorry op I would tell my brothers. He may have abused them too and perhaps they’ve been quiet their whole life thinking no one would believe them.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm sure you're all over the place with it and first things first, look after yourself. Whatever you decide to do does not have to be done tomorrow. You have grief and processing this new information to get through so you must prioritise your own mental health.

Do you have a partner or trusted friend you can bring this to, to at least start chatting it out? Maybe book yourself in for some therapy where you can talk through it with someone with no skin in the game.

Your Mum may already know this about your Dad, which opens another can of worms but dobl take that into consideration.

Best of luck to you. Be gentle to yourself.

It really depends on if there is any, even the smallest, indicator that he could have done this again. These would be the people who deserved to know.

Double post

So sorry you had to discover that. I would share in case your brother(s) or anyone else in the family have been abused. I would probably tell my brother first and then consider telling mum.

what a hideous thing to discover I’m so sorry for you and survivors of his abuse. I wouldn’t destroy the paperwork and I would take your time to think about how this would impact your mum and brother in their own ways without feeling pressure to do anything right now. The fact your father kept these documents even to the very end suggests he might have considered his family should know. To a wife of a career pederast it might explain an awful lot about her marriage - lack of intimacy etc but equally may feel that family life was a sham and if your mum is elderly / unwell herself does she need to know this? For your brother can you be sure he was not abused by your dad? It might answer questions for him if he was and was blaming himself like so many do. You just can’t know what this information would mean to them so take your time to understand what it means to you first. So sorry for your loss and having to deal with this news as well

Exactly my thoughts!
And I don't think it's something you should be carrying on your own. I'd discuss it with your brothers first.

I’d tell. It’s not just your information to know. You can support each other through processing it.

If you feel your mum wouldnt be able to handle it then I would wait until she is no longer here, then take it to the police. There will be victims who have been traumatised by this that may get closure from knowing it was dealt with

My initial reaction was to destroy and try to forget. But then, I thought about the reality of what you've found out and how much it is likely affect you.
I don't think it will be possible for you to carry on as if you don't know. All family events and anniversaries will be celebrated by your family remembering you father. You will now be remembering a completely different person to the one they are thinking of.
I also have brothers and I would share the document with them. I know how often my deceased father crops up in conversation so, know I'd be forced into lying as my feelings about him would have drastically changed. That could destroy my relationship with my brothers and that's not right.

What a horrendous situation to be in @Black51
I really feel for you. Unless there are issues between you and your brothers, I'd tell them and not try and bury your feelings and pretend it didn't happen. I know my brothers would want to support me

It was 70 years ago, the police aren’t going to go looking for school boys who are more than likely dead already. And they’re not going to open an investigation to look for more victims since her father is now dead. Going to the police is pointless. It’s already been adjudicated and he was banned from teaching.

I would talk to my brothers though, in case they were abused, and in case any grandchildren or great grandchildren have been abused.