Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

[Black51]

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

OP says in the first sentence that he has died.

Maybe the question is
What would you be looking to acheive by NOT sharing it and still keep the secret for him?

And yet another one who can’t think.

He had 70 years to abuse his children, grandchildren etc.

Children abused by family members don’t often speak up. They carry it silently. He could have abused his sons and his grandchildren. And no one has given them an opening to speak about it.

If there are grandchildren and he was ever alone with them, then someone needs to speak to those children and make sure nothing ever happened.

Just peace in the family, what good does causing an uproar now do? Plus not putting her mum through it all again assuming she must have known at the time.

It's surprising he left that information in his desk, knowing that anyone would find it if they were snooping.

I wouldn't want to be the person to disclose it, neither would I want to be the only one to know. I'd show it to my siblings and see what comes of it.

OP says in the first sentence that he has died.

Yes, he died earlier this year so "Do any of your siblings have children? I would want to know if I had kids, so I could make sure he never did anything to them." is about giving her siblings the knowledge that an abuser has been around their children until very recently in case he did anything to them...

Nothing good will come from sharing it. Shred the paperwork and keep the peace.

Possibly it was the Lucy Faithfull Foundation.

OP I’m sorry you’ve learned this terrible information, and in these circumstances. I would suggest contacting them for advice when you feel able to https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/helpline/

i would not suggest keeping this to yourself - for your own sanity, but also for the possible relief of your brothers, and maybe others who have been victimised. I think it’s likely your mum knows. If you don’t have, or don’t want, a therapist you could call Samaritans just to talk it out. They won’t advise you, but a confidential and non-judgemental listener might help you figure out what to do.

Ok so what you’re suggesting is to ignore paedophilia at the expense of people’s feelings? Those poor victims!

The OP has to live with it now, surely the truth is better out than in.

I’d speak up OP. I’d be furious it was kept from me.
Personally I’d want to ensure no child in my family had been harmed by him.
Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I agree with this.
Id want to share it with my siblings at least, so we could process it together. I wouldn’t want to bear the burden of knowing alone.

I would want to know what my mum knew and what she did to protect me and my siblings tbh. I bet she knows

I was originally in team let sleeping dogs lie however, I feel that this secret will eat you up inside esp if family members start reminiscing about what a wonderful man he was etc How could you possibly join in a pretend he was this marvelous, pillar of the community?!
Its not your dirty secret to keep or to protect that vile man's legacy. You've done nothing wrong, if anything, he has deliberately ensured that his secret would eventually come out as why on earth would he have kept those documents otherwise?! Any sane person would have destroyed all evidence of such a disgusting past.....

If this disgusting creep did it in the 1950s, he didn’t magically become a normal person after being caught (and having it swept under the carpet aside from getting into trouble at work). He’ll have done this again, probably lots of times.

Having been in a similar position, though the person isn’t yet dead, but it was historical offences discovered after the fact, I think you need to tell them. I would want to know. I did want to know sooner than I was told. There were a lot of things that didn’t make sense and I thought I was crazy, until suddenly they did make sense. This may help the family put some pieces together to make sense of some things.

There very well may be someone carrying some pain that they can’t really give a name to and this might finally validate how they feel. It did for me. It was a horrendous thing to go through, but it meant I could finally give a name to some of what I’d gone through.

Totally beyond that, this is a horrible burden for you to have to carry and to feel like you have to carry it alone. You can’t turn back time and un-know. But shame lives in darkness and in secrets. I always think shining the light on something is better than burying it.

@Allisnotlost1 That’s the one! I remembered Lucy, but nothing else.

Difficult one but what if there are people out there who come forward & say they were abused ? Would you need to keep those documents?

im sorry (for his victims obviously!!) that you had to read/discover this, I wonder why he kept the paperwork??

What was your relationship with him like?

it depends on so many different things, with so little to go on I can't say whether you should tell anyone or not.

HOWEVER, put the paperwork somewhere safe, where it won't be found accidentally. Do not get rid of it. Give yourself time & space to decide what's best for everyone.

NO. You are destroying a historical record of the family. Put it in a deposit box not to be opened for 50 years. Also, the banned could have been based on a false accusation, destroying the evidence means that is unlikey to be investigated by descendants. OP might want to check herself, in fact.

I was told someone in my family had abused others. I didn't need to know and it has haunted me ever since. I am protecting my children from knowing this. I would avoid sharing it with anyone you don't have to.

But get help, counselling etc as it is difficult knowledge to have.

Very possibly she protected them by staying. At that time the father would generally have “kept” the children not the mother (at least so far as I understand). The world was very different then and choices need to be seen through that lens I guess?

People who are abused can spend their whole lives in turmoil and disturbance. So whatever you think, there are people who may wish to know..and know that someone else knew ..and that they are not going mad.

Please don't destroy the evidence and pretend you haven't seen a thing.Find a way to talk to your brothers and consider what tondo next, as siblings. This may include gently amd sensitively finding out if he had any support to address what happened and if he had contact with other younger people after teachinI'm so sorry though this must be an enormous shock and it may also be worth considering some good ther apy to help you make sense of it.

I’m sorry you found this out OP. If it were me, I would tell siblings but not mother, it may put her in the grave.

In my opinion a problem shared is a problem halved. That's some serious shit OP, why should you carry the load alone?

So your dad was in his late 90’s?you’re mum will already know