Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

[Black51]

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

I’m so sorry you have discovered this. If it were me, I would tell my brothers. If you don’t feel you can do this then speak to a close friend or even a therapist. It’s too big a secret for you to carry on your shoulders alone.

Let it stay a secret - why create potential upset??

You need to share for your sake. What your dad did is not your burden. I'm really sorry this has happened to you, what a horribly stressful situation for you after losing a parent, now you have to deal with this.

I would call first my eldest or most sensible brother

Why on earth would the police be interested since, from what the OP says, it was dealt with at the time in accordance with the procedures of the time.

Also, if your parents were married at the time, how does your mother not know?

I'd keep the letters (but that's just me) but also keep it quiet from the rest of your family.

This^
your mum would know anyway - it’s a job loss so couldn’t have gone unnoticed.
It might give some explanations to your brothers about your Dad’s actions. And they will support you as well.
please don’t destroy the papers, you will need them as an evidence, otherwise your mum and brothers won’t believe you and it might get a real wedge between you and them.

How are you? I bet that was a really upsetting discovery and I’m sorry you’ve found out in the way you’ve found out. What was your relationship like with your dad, what’s your relationship like with your brothers and mother?

I couldn’t imagine finding something like this but rationally I think the pertinent question would be will any good come from exposing this or is it going to destroy even more lives.

I’m extremely surprised that your father would have held on to this incriminating paperwork. Really really really surprised to the point of incredulity.

Yes, I was just thinking that.

Why on earth would he keep paperwork that shows him in such a dreadful way?

It's not a safeguarding issue, it's that children who are abused by family members are less likely to tell and may be dealing with trauma alone. Which I can tell you from experience is a terrible burden for a child or an adult.

I couldn’t imagine finding something like this but rationally I think the pertinent question would be will any good come from exposing this or is it going to destroy even more lives

See, I'm of the sort who would want to know this if it went on in my family. (Thank God it didn't).

The rot needs to be dug out of it and into the light. It's the only way people can make sense of weird stuff happening/energies around growing up. - kids are highly intuitive!

So sorry this is happening to you OP. Must be a huge shock.

Sending you love and light on your path forward. A really good therapist is a very good idea. Find one you click with. And with experience in the field.

You really are not responsible for the family dynamic you grew up in. Or stir the hornets' nest if you don't want.

I think id have to share with my siblings then decide together if you are going to tell your mum.

I would disclose, like the PP said this is not yours to bear alone. Every time family talk of him it will burn you.

I would however tell your brothers one on one (may have disclosures if their own). Once they know, you can then decide together if you want to broach it with your mother.

Erm remember Jimmy Saville? People disclosed abuse after his death. Are you usually so abrupt?

What a shock for you OP, you have a lot to process and it must be hard to have very suddenly to discover this about your father. I would guess that your mum knows or did it happen before they met so there is a possibility he never told her. As for who you tell, I would agree that this is too much to carry on your own, I hope there is someone close to you who you can trust to share this with and explore your options

That’s a really awful piece of information for you find out, sorry this has happened. You definitely need to mention it to your brothers in case he sexually abused them as children too. Maybe not to your mum at this time. Of course that may change depending on what your brothers say.

The man's dead!
Bobiverse the man's dead! What's the point destroying his memory and upsetting the family!?

Why would you tell anyone? Why would you go on Mumsnet to ask? Why would he have kept these letters?

For those asking what good could come of sharing it...

1. Alerting any family members / friends who might have young children he was left alone with - this is the most important
2. Giving your brothers an opportunity to talk if anything happened to them
3. Not carrying the entire burden of this yourself - secrets are poisonous and this is not your poison to carry
4. Possibly giving your mother the opportunity to unburden herself
5. Not being complicit in covering up

I’d have to tell my brothers.

I agree about sharing but suggest a very close friend or counsellor.
Take care OP, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this

I would tell your brothers, they may be victims, but not your mother if they had what seemed to be a good relationship.

I think your mum must have know if he was sacked. I would ask your mum to be honest, I'd have a lot of questions for her. Why did she stay with him for a start. Sorry you have discovered this how horrible for you.

I’m sorry you found this, it must really be messing with your head, but I wouldn’t share this with family members x