Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

[Black51]

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

This 100%.
The effects of abuse don't die with the abuser. Show your brothers what you've found and don't bear this burden alone.

Firstly I'm so sorry you had to find this. Is there any reason you can think of that he would have kept the letters?
Personally I cannot imagine finding out something like this and not telling my siblings and mum;

• what if he has abused someone else you are close to who hasn't felt able to share that information with anyone and may be struggling right now with massively conflicting feelings
• why should you carry the burden alone
• how could you continue to act as though he was this wonderful person when you know the opposite to be true

I would also need to know whether my mum knew and why she had stayed (I know there are many reasons that could be true and that things were very different 70 years ago, but I would still need to talk to her about it.) and kept his secret for him.

I would suggest finding a therapist to talk to before sharing the information with anyone else though, just so you are as prepared as you can be for the reactions you may get. Especially if you need to consider any children of your own in this.

Who were these letters from OP?, in the 1950s there wasn't a register of qualified teachers or a regulator as there is today - it was practically impossible to bar someone from teaching, hence abusers moved from school to school in different LA areas undetected.

The fact your father kept the letters may indicate he was falsely accused, dismissed and banned by the LA, and kept the letters because he felt unfairly treated.

It seems odd that if he was indeed an abuser he would keep this evidence in a desk drawer many, many decades after potentially moving on.

I'm a teacher in the present, there are bad people in the profession and its right they get called out and struck off, but still careers are ended by false allegations as well as genuine ones.

You can't ask him about this, so I would just destroy them and move on.

Yes, tell them all. There may be victims in your family.

Oh gosh, some seem intent on not sharing but isn't that protecting the abuser in a way? Being part of the problem by shredding the evidence and technically covering for him?
I don't think he should be allowed to get away with it.. even though there will be no consequence to him as such because he's no longer here, should we all keep showing him a false light? It diminishes what he has done and the effect on those poor boys. It actually seems to send a message that it doesn't matter now because it's been so long..
Could you leave the letter around, or just be frank that this is what you've found?
I'm sorry this must have been so hard to find out.

You say this, but calling him an abuser is somewhat being judge, jury and executioner of a man who cannot defend himself. There was no GTC/TRA in the 1950s, No Safeguarding, No DBS, No HR department, No investigative procedures - these matters were dealt with in house by schools and LA's

As well as actual offenders there were also those who were falsely accused and unscrupulous heads getting shot of faces that didn't fit "I'll see to it you'll never work round here again".

There could be more to this, that the OPs father might have shed light on, including why he kept the letters.

You cant keep this to yourself. Too much. Dont tell your Mother. She may well know and this will be an unhappy reminder. If she doesnt know it will devadtate her.
But you can fiscuss it with your brothers. You can suppory each other. And there id the possibility he abused them or grandsons.

Who is it going to help by knowing?

Its a long time ago, draw a line under it, destroy the papers and move on.

DO NOT destroy these papers, it's unethical.

The people most of importance are the victims, who were molested. These letters are probably the only documentation of what happened to them. They may be vitally important for the boys receiving validation and acknowledgement, or maybe even civil justice, should it be found that the abuse was facilitated/covered up by others or the school.

Telling your family will certainly be opening a can of worms, and may have difficult consequences for you all (such as fallings out, being blamed yourself as the bearer of bad news, potentially finding out your mother was complicit, etc.).

But there may be relatives in your family, or old friends, who were molested, and again, this knowledge and these documents are evidence and validation. It may be essential for closure for them.

I would definitely tell your brothers. They are entitled to know. You don’t know whether it’s information that would enable them to make sense of childhood experiences (to them or their friends). I would discuss with them whether to tell your mother - a lot depends on how you think she would cope, assuming she doesn’t already know. I’m not sure there’s much point, and it might be cruel to make her feel her whole life with him was a sham.

From experience, this is better not to be covered up further. Bring it out in the open helps victims. It maybe be just the acknowledgment of others that he was an offender. Maybe there are other unknown victims who will speak up and access help.

Why are you telling me that? I’ve been saying it, over and over. But the OP doesn’t need to go to the police to say she found a document showing he has already been convicted, or at least heard at some sort of official process, and banned from teaching.

There is nothing for the police to do. There is no crime to report.

Yes I'm taking the letter on face value because that's all we've got to go on. But if he was still here to defend himself, he could still claim a false accusation and we wouldn't know if it's true or not without further investigation.

Is the best way to present the letter and let others make their own thoughts on the matter?
If he had done something to someone they know, the letter could be a validation in some way.

All hypothetical of course as we don't know how true it is. Would the mother know more considering he kept the letter which could have been easily found. I do wonder why he wasn't quick to throw it out if it wasn't a big secret.

Of course he has done it again. OP sorry but i
would share with your siblings (if not your mother). My partner was abused by a family member. He has never told a soul and all his family think the offender is a saint. You don’t know what others in the family might have experienced, I just don’t believe this will be a one off.
Sending love to you though this must have been an awful discovery x

Nope, there was no official process other than being taken to court for molestation back in the 50's, and no register of teachers to be cancelled from - schools didn't refer matters such as this to the police, they preferred to do it "in-house"

What the OP likely has is a letter from either the headmaster or the head of the LA dismissing her GF on grounds of alleged molestation. Unless the OP has court papers referring to a criminal conviction I would be very careful about assuming this is all it seems.

More often teachers seen as good who were real offenders were quietly moved on to a job in another LA, whilst schools were known to use trumped up charges to get rid of "weak" teachers.

If the GF never had a criminal conviction it will be impossible to know what happened, unless his wife knew.

I’m so tired of these sensationalist opening posts, where the Op never returns. This one is particularly vile because people are sharing trauma they’ve undergone, and offering genuine sympathy.
I know the conventional wisdom is that even if the Op is fake, someone may benefit from the advice. But here, the premise is so outlandish (incredibly outing papers kept by her paedophile father for 70 years) that I cannot imagine the benefit of advice given outweighs the tedious and vile outlandish post.

All these comments saying "don't say anything, what good would it do" make me furious. This sort of silencing, let's just move on attitude rather than talking about the truth is exactly the reason why so much abuse gets swept under the carpets
personally, I would want to know who my father was and want others to know to. I would want to understand if he had abused anyone in the family, and encourage them to come forward.
for those of you asking, what good would it do? What do you think the national child abuse inquiries are for? Most of the perpetrators are dead.

Oh my god… sorry I can’t wrap my head around the people telling OP they should carry that themselves! I’m so shocked that anyone would suggest OP carries that alone. OP, all I can say is that if you were my child I would 100% want you to tell me or your siblings. That’s a horrific burden to carry! And I’m so sorry.

I can’t believe people are telling you to hide this. Please share this burden with your siblings.

they make me furious too … I’m actually shocked by them!

I'm inclined to believe the OP might be a sensationalist fake - in part because, as I have stated upthread, in the 1950's there was no regulatory agency or register of teachers as there is today.

As well as being a teacher, I look after our schools archives, I have on file letters dismissing two teachers in that time period (albeit not for molestation, but one for being drunk and threatening and having been to court).

The letter is just that a dismissal, not a ban, it contains a line indicating that a good reference would not be given and other schools in the town were aware - but that's about as far as it could go.

As there’s a possibility that more abuse may come to light in the future (possibly from an allegation by a family member), then I suggest you don’t destroy the evidence as this could help validate such a claim.

I agree with you

' I know he was your dad and this must be awful for you, but abusers are always abusers. They don’t just stop or change, especially if he didn’t have intensive therapy.'
That's the comment I was replying to. I guarantee he has stopped abuse as he is dead. He has absolutely stopped. Think about this. Do you think he needs therapy?

Schools were inspected by HMI in the 50s, and there are loads of records about teachers