Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

[Black51]

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

I’d tell my brothers in case he abused them and this is the prompt they need to feel able to share that. Obviously I wouldn’t state that when sharing it, but I would be very clear that I was on the side of the victims and felt what he did was unforgivable.

I would have to discuss I think. Your brothers or their friends
might also be victims.

I am shocked that some people are telling you not to say anything.

Of course you need to share this. Because male relatives in your family might have been abused by him to.

I would start by talking to your mother OP.

Because if I was in your shoes and I found out my father had abused kids and that my mother had stayed with him and let him near his kids and other children while knowing full well he was a danger to them it would be the end of my relationship with my mother.

Same.

I guess it's possible he put the letter away and in the stress of the situation forgot about it and never noticed it again over the next 70-odd years.

Possible, but extremely unlikely.

I’d speak to my siblings about it, it’s too big a secret for you to have to deal with by yourself.

Yep - can't see anything that could possibly go wrong with telling a woman probably in her 90s that the man she spent her entire adult life with, who has just died, was a paedophile

Another one who can’t think.

He had 70 years. Children who are abused often don’t speak up. I would want to know if I had ever left my child in the care of an abuser so I could speak to them.

I certainly wouldn’t cover up the knowledge of an abuser in the family if I had brothers or they had children who have ever been alone with the man.

Do you think your mother knows?

Unfortunately this kind of behaviour is not a one off, and I would be concerned that your father was a prolific abuser. I would definitely speak to your siblings, to check if they received any abuse at his hands.

I personally would want to know if my mother knew, and what / if she did to protect her kids from him. I’d also want to understand if his crimes stopped in the 50s at this point - did he carry on teaching? Did he enter into another profession with access to kids? Did he have access to grandchildren?

I doubt that somebody one day just wakes up and decides they want to abuse children as a one off. I would imagine there was a pattern to his behaviour.

sorry you are going through this, can’t imagine how upsetting this would be

you need to tell your family for various reasons.

You ever worked with abused children? Or adults who were abused as children by their family members?

I have. Do you have any idea how many suffer in silence? And how many don’t speak until that family member has died, and even then, they won’t tell their family what was done to them.

This man had access to his sons and maybe grandchildren. You’ve no idea what he may have done. You’ve no idea if any are suffering their trauma in silence and alone because they can’t speak out. I have kids. I would want to know if my kids had been around him, so I could gently speak to my children and make sure all was ok.

And I wouldn’t protect the memory of an abuser. Just saying.

Unfortunately when your children are adults it's up to them to raise this subject. It's no longer about what mummy wants. The ops brothers are likely 50+ and are dealing with this as they choose. Oars out for everyone else.

What would you be looking to achieve by sharing it?

You can tell the people who really just don’t have a clue. Mumsnet should delete this thread. Too many people with no clue of the impact giving advice.

So he didn’t teach again.

But did he coach? Did he tutor? Scout leader? Offer music lessons? Volunteer at youth club? Fatherly figure for the kids next door? Kindly uncle? Really helpful grandad?

He had a long time to do it. A long life free of the consequences of his actions against children. Because not teaching is not much of a consequence, not compared to jail time.

Sexual abuse feeds on shame the victims are forced to live with. It silences. I would 100% talk about it sensitively and gently. It may not be comfortable but we shouldn’t be in collaboration with abusers, even when they are no longer here.

It will always be better coming from you than elsewhere.

I would speak to your brothers about it. If for nothing else the fact your father has recently died may give victims of his the confidence to speak out.

Not to mention the fact family members, including your brothers, have been in danger from him for years.

That he cannot abuse anyone going forward doesn't mean he suddenly stopped after being caught 70 years ago and doesn't mean his crimes should be kept hidden going forward.

I’d be very surprised if your mum didn’t already know about this. She probably kept quiet thinking it was protecting her kids. But it could very well be the opposite

I wouldn’t tell your mother. She may know. Or he may have kept it hidden from her. I don’t see what telling an elderly woman would achieve.Just let her grieve in peace.

I might talk about it with your brothers in case he did anything untoward with them.

I would definitely tell my brothers, and probably not my mum, but that is down to my particular family dynamics. I think secrets in families leak out in subtle ways and I would be surprised if this didn't somehow make some things make sense to one or other of you, if not immediately, then when some time has passed.

I don’t think you are going to get your answer from mumsnet. I would seek professional counseling to one help you deal with it and two to discuss the possibility of telling your family.

I’d bring it up with your brothers, you can share and process it together. It isn’t fair to yourself to hold a secret that big on your own. Sorry this has happened

If you can keep it yourself then do so, but only if it’s not at the detriment of your mental health. If you do want to talk to someone then I would begin by sharing with a partner or trusted friend, and have some therapy. Possibly I tell your brothers, but definitely not your very elderly mother.

I remember watching a documentary on tv years ago about the wives of men who had been arrested for CSA and they talked about a charity that was for the families of these men. I really don’t remember what the name is, but I’m sure it will be on Google. You can talk it over with them and I’m sure they’d be able to discuss all the pros and cons with you before you make any decisions. It might be that you tell your brothers you’d found some paperwork showing something awful about your dad and asking them if they want to know what it was.

The other thing you need to consider is that it’s entirely possible that your mum knew about it and stayed married to him. Now that might have been because she felt she could better protect your brothers if they were always in the same house as her, rather than if he was seeing them alone for a few hours every Saturday afternoon, but it may also have been because she either didn’t believe it or she didn’t want to think about it. Are you prepared for your relationship with her to change?

Just move on, if you really want keep the papers for your children and in case anything else comes out. But otherwise just leave it, many relatives may know already it will not have been a secret at the time.