Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

[Black51]

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

Sit on it for now, no rush. Talk to a therapist.

I'm sure your mum knows. If you think your brothers should know that would be the people to tell

I would say something. I wouldnt be able to join in remembering him fondly plus he may have done it since .

You need to share this, your brothers may have been abused and they have a right to know this information. Also carrying this on your own will end up driving a wedge between you and them as your discomfort will manifest one way, or another, when the subject of your father comes up

As he is dead, there is no danger of him doing anything to anyone's children.

He’s had 70 years of access though. I’m a mum. I’d want to know if a family member I trusted and had been left in charge of my kids was actually a sex abuser of young boys. Because I’d want to talk with my kids.

So many kids who are abused never tell anyone. So he very well could have.

Oh god how awful.
I don’t think I could keep that a secret. It may be something that people either know or suspect within the family so getting it out in the open may bring some answers.
And for the poor boys who were abused - presumably in their 70s now.
I certainly wouldn’t destroy the paperwork.

Why would he have kept the letter.......

I would gently tell your brothers. It is a heavy burden of knowledge to carry alone.

I was S abused as a child so i would tell the fucking world if it was me.
Just because hes dead dont mean its over it is for him not the ones he hurt.
What if you find out your mother knew all along and still chose to be with him and have a family.
Who else has he hurt?
Why did your mother stay?
Why would she allow a pedo around her kids?

I agree. It could make things awkward for you if you are the only one to know about it. I would only tell siblings though.

Keep it private

They might also know, but never told you

I’d absolutely share it with my siblings.

Exactly this.

Keep it for now and hide it in a safe place.

Wait at least 3 months before you decide.

Once you decide to say it you can’t take it back and so wait until you’ve processed it first.

You are asking the wrong question. Right now you have had a shock. You don't need to do anything other than allow yourself to have your feelings about this. Stay with your feelings and talk to someone trusted outside the family if you need to. Once you have processed your own feelings then you will be in a better position to know whether you want to or need to do anything.

How horrible for you to find and have to keep to yourself!

I think this is a situation that is far, far too big for anyone on MN to advise you on @Black51. I agree with the suggestion of taking this through with a counsellor/ therapist.

I hope that you are ok as this must have come as a terrible shock.

I would absolutely tell your brothers, if nothing else in case they were abused and didn't think they'd be believed. Or at least tell them that you have found some information which throws a different light on his character and ask them if they would like to know more.

Destroy the paperwork. He’s gone now.

I wouldn’t share. It will only cause further hurt. Even if your mother knows it will upset her that you know. Or she may not believe you and it could cause a family rift and you may lose her and your brother. Let the shame die with him. I can’t see anything good for you or your family by outing his secret

What an awful position for you to be in op. I personally don’t think you should keep that secret to yourself.

He's dead. Nobody is in danger.

This is too much of a burden for you to carry on your own. I would speak to my siblings and also a therapist.
Was this before he met and married your mum or whilst they were together? If it was the former it’s possible she didn’t know and I wouldn’t tell her now though.

I would find it hard to believe that your Dad, had abused boys as a young man, and then simply never attempted to do it again. Would he have been married to your Mum at the time or was it before they met? You have brothers - is it entirely possible he could have abused them? Do any of you have male children? Could he have abused them? What was your brother's relationship like with your Dad? If there's a niggle in the back of your mind, that you think your Dad could have abused your brother's (or anyone else) you need to tell your brothers. It's then down to all of you to decide if you need to tell your Mum. If she's elderly, then I'd be inclined not too. If the abuse took place during your parents marriage, then you need to face up to the real possibility that your Mum is aware.

CSA survivor

I would say nothing. Burn it. Let the evil (his actions) die. Don't spread the emotional turmoil on. He's dead. Let it die with him.

Besides you have no idea how he felt about his actions whilst he was alive. You have no context either. You cannot ask him questions, or take recriminatory actions. There's a small chance he may have personally regretted it with time. I have to say it's not my personal experience of offenders, but there's still a chance.

I'm so sorry you discovered this.