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How to word this without causing offence

160 replies

DracunculusVulgaris · 30/10/2025 19:20

This may be long, although I will try to be as succinct as possible, whilst still including all relevant information. I am also expecting to be 'pounced' upon and possibly thought of as judgemental and possibly egotistical, full of myself and pompous!
I am taking early retirement, or partial retirement, within the next twelve months and am 4 years into a relationship with my partner, although we do not live together and normally only spend time together at weekends, high days and holidays. I do not have a wide circle of friends - in fact, nobody I would call a "close" friend, more a few aquaintances scattered around the country who I rarely see, or spend time with.
My dilemma is this: my interests revolve around history, natural history, gardening, landscapes, architecture, industrial archaeology, ornithology, botony, entomology, mammology, science, literature, languages, language, words, etymology, writing, clocks, horology and old scientific instruments - amongst other things! Sadly, my partner shares none of these interests and appears to be bored, or disaccociates, whenever I talk about them or wish to spend time pursuing them. I also work in a heavily male dominated environment with people who are, by and large, sexist, misogynistic and lacking in cognitive or emotional maturity and the conversation tends to be crude, vulgar and peppered with constant swearing, which I hate! To be frank, I am craving some mental and intellectual stimulation in both my working and private life - I am fearful that, on retirement, with more time on my hands, I will vegetate and my brain will atrophy, without sufficient stimulation, and have decided that I wish to join a local history group, a book club, writing class, language class, U3A, or natural history society or several of these things, in order to feed my interests and make some new friends with whom I can discuss and talk about the things which interest me. Here is the crux of the matter, and the point at which I will probably come across as judgemental, although it is a truth - my partner is, without wishing to be diminishing, not very well educated or articulate, speaks and writes very poor English, sees little value in learning, is unable to assimilate and remember information and is, although acknowledging these things, very, very sensitive about them. In addition, insecurity, jealousy and anxiety about me having friends are also a huge issue.
How on earth do I approach this and phrase my desire to persue some of these activities, and potentially make some new friends, without causing huge offence or come across as belittling and insensitive?

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 30/10/2025 19:24

Just say that you've found book club that you'll be going to on Tuesday, he's welcome to come along but you it's not really his thing so no worries if he doesn't fancy it.

DracunculusVulgaris · 30/10/2025 19:24

It is probably also pertinent to mention that I am autistic and struggle sometimes with expressing myself in a way which does not come across as socially awkward, clumsy or possibly rude!

OP posts:
Sevenamcoffee · 30/10/2025 19:26

OP you’re allowed to pursue new interests and make new friends. If a partner is unhappy about this they are controlling and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. It’s none of their business. It’s necessary to make time for a partner but not at the expense of your own interests or social connections.

RosiePosie007 · 30/10/2025 19:28

A man who’s jealous and controlling about you having friends should not be your partner.

DoAWheelie · 30/10/2025 19:29

"I've joined a book club so I won't be able to meet up with you on [date] in the future. This month we are reading xyz"

If you get any pushback against this, then you know he is being controlling and that is a sign to end the relationship.

1Messycoo · 30/10/2025 19:32

Hi OP
i don’t think you sound pompous or judgemental.
Sounds to me you need intelligent conversation and want to be able to engage with like minded people.
I would say to my Partner, ( Although I’m a bit perturbed as to why you’d need to)
if he asks you, just say I didn’t think he would be concerned as he has never shown interest before.
Maybe you’re over thinking it? I myself would just jump straight in regarding clubs and other activities and go from there.Good luck with your pursuits and retirement.

Savoretti · 30/10/2025 19:33

You’re massively overthinking this surely?? Just say you want to keep busy when retired so are going to try U3A, history society and book club and see if you enjoy them. Or am I missing something?

GloriaMonday · 30/10/2025 19:38

What do you get out of the relationship?

176509user · 30/10/2025 19:38

If you only meet now and again, you don’t need to tell him. You certainly don’t need to justify yourself.

If he asks why you can’t meet on X date/ day: “I’ve joined a local gardening club”

If he doesn’t want you making friends, why are you with him ?
His insecurities are for him to deal with. Not your problem !

I don’t think you sound judgmental at all.

Takenoprisoner · 30/10/2025 19:40

In addition, insecurity, jealousy and anxiety about me having friends are also a huge issue

This is not just a huge issue, this is the biggest issue. He is probably jealous of how well educated and well read you are. You need to address this with him, however you may want to start small by making new friends who you can share mutual interests with.

GarlicHound · 30/10/2025 19:44

Well, I hope you meet a more compatible partner at one of your retirement activities.

NutButterOnToast · 30/10/2025 19:44

You don't live together, he's got no claim on your time.

"Steve, I can't speak tomorrow as I'll be at a class on medieval horology"

I wouldn't over explain or offer justification beyond "it looks interesting, I read XYZ book on it if you recall, I'll let you know what it was like"

coxesorangepippin · 30/10/2025 19:48

Dump this guy?

FatCatPyjamas · 30/10/2025 19:48

I hope it's just you overthinking and not that you really do have reason to be nervous about his reaction to you doing perfectly reasonable things.

Also, aren't you really bored in this relationship?

KathyDuck · 30/10/2025 19:49

You sound incompatible. Just say it’s over.

DracunculusVulgaris · 30/10/2025 19:53

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts thus far - yes, I probably am overthinking this, but, for some reason, my partner seems to be fearful and unhappy with me having wide and varied interests and has, in the past, called me "pompous", "stuck up", a "snob" and "posh" - I truly do not think that I am any of these things, although I do, admittedly, enjoy the company of educated, intelligent and articulate people who have a lively and enquiring mind and enjoy learning.
I am male, by the way, and my partner is a woman. I forgot to put that information in my opening post!

OP posts:
Mischance · 30/10/2025 19:57

If you only see him on highdays and holidays you will have the rest of the week to pursue your interests.

I am not sure what the problem is. Do you think he will resent you going these things even when he is not around?

FetchezLaVache · 30/10/2025 19:57

Why on earth would you want to waste your years of freedom with this woman? The two of you sound very incompatible.

CrazyCatMam · 30/10/2025 19:57

Like a previous poster, I don’t think you sound pompous or judgemental at all. You clearly know which subjects you’re interested in and are keen to find groups / classes which will offer you mental stimulation when you retire. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I may be projecting here (my DD is on the spectrum), but in my experience women with ASD are often taken advantage of and sometimes there’s an imbalance of power in their relationships. I think this is something you should explore. No one has a right to tell you how you should spend your time or who with.

Mischance · 30/10/2025 19:58

my partner seems to be fearful and unhappy with me having wide and varied interests and has, in the past, called me "pompous", "stuck up", a "snob" and "posh"

Some partner!

Takenoprisoner · 30/10/2025 19:59

DracunculusVulgaris · 30/10/2025 19:53

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts thus far - yes, I probably am overthinking this, but, for some reason, my partner seems to be fearful and unhappy with me having wide and varied interests and has, in the past, called me "pompous", "stuck up", a "snob" and "posh" - I truly do not think that I am any of these things, although I do, admittedly, enjoy the company of educated, intelligent and articulate people who have a lively and enquiring mind and enjoy learning.
I am male, by the way, and my partner is a woman. I forgot to put that information in my opening post!

He feels threatened by your intellect, accomplishments and interests. He's scared if he doesn't bully you and neg you, you will realise you're too different and incompatible and dump him. Those insults He's used are unforgivable, they are abusive. Get rid of him already, he will grind you down until you're a shadow of your former self.

pimplebum · 30/10/2025 20:03

DracunculusVulgaris · 30/10/2025 19:24

It is probably also pertinent to mention that I am autistic and struggle sometimes with expressing myself in a way which does not come across as socially awkward, clumsy or possibly rude!

Said kindly : Firstly stop having conversations about your special interests. just reading the list was excessively boring , even a scientist would not wish to discuss at length any of that
find a on line chat group or fellow autistic person who you can info dump on

secondly any man that makes it hard for you to have friends should be dumped

just tell him you are out x night and if he gives you any hassle about it it’s a red flag and you should consider ending the relationship

pimplebum · 30/10/2025 20:05

Calling you names is a no no
dump this loser and find someone who respects and likes you

vincettenoir · 30/10/2025 20:09

If you’re already pursuing these interests I don’t think spending more time on them in your retirement is going to be the shock for your gf you think it is going to be.

midsummabreak · 30/10/2025 20:21

CrazyCatMam · 30/10/2025 19:57

Like a previous poster, I don’t think you sound pompous or judgemental at all. You clearly know which subjects you’re interested in and are keen to find groups / classes which will offer you mental stimulation when you retire. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I may be projecting here (my DD is on the spectrum), but in my experience women with ASD are often taken advantage of and sometimes there’s an imbalance of power in their relationships. I think this is something you should explore. No one has a right to tell you how you should spend your time or who with.

Edited

Agree, this does sound like a power imbalance unless your partner is sometimes jokingly saying things? But it doesn’t seem like that? I just think that there’s no way that your partner has the right to make fun of you and your interests or choices. Even if they don’t relate much, that shouldn’t matter, as surely they choose you as their partner, so then it follows that they respect you and love you- and should be talking about you with kindness and respect.

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