How to word this without causing offence

[DracunculusVulgaris]

This may be long, although I will try to be as succinct as possible, whilst still including all relevant information. I am also expecting to be 'pounced' upon and possibly thought of as judgemental and possibly egotistical, full of myself and pompous!
I am taking early retirement, or partial retirement, within the next twelve months and am 4 years into a relationship with my partner, although we do not live together and normally only spend time together at weekends, high days and holidays. I do not have a wide circle of friends - in fact, nobody I would call a "close" friend, more a few aquaintances scattered around the country who I rarely see, or spend time with.
My dilemma is this: my interests revolve around history, natural history, gardening, landscapes, architecture, industrial archaeology, ornithology, botony, entomology, mammology, science, literature, languages, language, words, etymology, writing, clocks, horology and old scientific instruments - amongst other things! Sadly, my partner shares none of these interests and appears to be bored, or disaccociates, whenever I talk about them or wish to spend time pursuing them. I also work in a heavily male dominated environment with people who are, by and large, sexist, misogynistic and lacking in cognitive or emotional maturity and the conversation tends to be crude, vulgar and peppered with constant swearing, which I hate! To be frank, I am craving some mental and intellectual stimulation in both my working and private life - I am fearful that, on retirement, with more time on my hands, I will vegetate and my brain will atrophy, without sufficient stimulation, and have decided that I wish to join a local history group, a book club, writing class, language class, U3A, or natural history society or several of these things, in order to feed my interests and make some new friends with whom I can discuss and talk about the things which interest me. Here is the crux of the matter, and the point at which I will probably come across as judgemental, although it is a truth - my partner is, without wishing to be diminishing, not very well educated or articulate, speaks and writes very poor English, sees little value in learning, is unable to assimilate and remember information and is, although acknowledging these things, very, very sensitive about them. In addition, insecurity, jealousy and anxiety about me having friends are also a huge issue.
How on earth do I approach this and phrase my desire to persue some of these activities, and potentially make some new friends, without causing huge offence or come across as belittling and insensitive?

Apologies @DracunculusVulgaris I was being too off-hand. BUt I do wonder why you maintain this relationship. I'm a reader & a lifelong learner (it's my job, really) and I couldn't be with someone who called me a "snob" simply for being interested in ideas & all the subjects you list.

I suspect that you see her as a lifeline to "normal" life. But you could build a life that is "normal" for you - through U3A - I've done lectures for them as an outside academic exert & they're great! Or via local history society, or walking group or archaeology group. Or volunteer for the National Trust reparations of walking routes in national parks, for example. There is lots around if you have the time & energy.

And you'll meet people with families etc - those things you vale in your partner - who won't belittle & dismiss you. It's akin to abuse, frankly. But you're like the boiling frog - you don't notice the water is so hot it's harmful.

I think you've become so used to your partner's negative views of your interests and intelligence (which are so close to your heart) that you think she is 'normal'. If you follow your interests, you'll meet lots of people who share them, and won't insult you for the things you love.

Good luck

Not at all, it was obvious from the opening post at 19.20 that the OP was male (to me anyway) wasn't it?

@DracunculusVulgaris , why don't you stop going to your girlfriend's at the weekend. You could do something local to you

It sounds like you spend the weekend doing chores for someone who isn't willing to chat with you, and blames you if there's no chat, but what you say bores her.

You could join a volunteer group or similar and meet like-minded people who would become your social group.

Yup, me too.

Make a list of her Pro's and Con's. This will help you see what you really consider more important in a relationship. It sounds like you are not being yourself with her and she has shown contempt for you. Find a weekend activity and tell her you are going to this now and adjust your weekend accordingly, either getting to hers Saturday evening or leaving Sunday morning. Will she miss you or will that just be inconvenient for her? I think being alone is better than being with someone who you are not suited to, which is a very slowly soul-destroying way to live.

Yes. The OP is autistic. Did you miss that? That is a very normal autistic communication style, perhaps do some research before being quite so critical?

I agree they’re not remotely compatible, though. For one thing the OP needs and deserves someone he can be himself with and doesn’t have to mask around.

As to whether or not I enhance her life in any way other than being 'useful to have around' is not a question I can answer!

It does appear from what you say that she is only with you because you are useful. You do jobs for her family and help her mother. Perhaps she also stays because she likes the regular sex.
You and she have nothing to talk about as your interests are so different. That might not be an insurmountable problem, but more importantly she doesn't respect you and calls you names.
You should not stay in a relationship with someone who is unkind to you and who doesn't respect you.
Add to that it sounds like she is jealous, controlling and insecure. More reasons for not staying in this relationship.

You have not explained why you want to stay in the relationship with her.

I haven’t read the full thread, however, your post is one of the most articulate that I have ever read.
In short: it is very difficult minimise those that value intellectual interests with those that see no value. I thinks it’s such an I integral foundation aligned, with the self that a vast difference; as described, seems insurmountable.

She has plenty of her own interests and it’s absolutely fine for you to have some too. You could also sign up for some public lectures at your local university. I know mine used to run extra-mural courses for people interested in things like philosophy, archaeology and history. You can look on Eventbrite for events that might be of interest too. You can also take a look at the RSA website to see what’s on in your area. Their events are usually open to all and have lots of interesting people with inquiring minds.

I didn’t see any mistakes- do point them out!

Rarely in life does one person fulfil all your needs, have all of your interests. The questions you have to ask are is the time I spend with them good for me? is it good for them? and do we both have the same expectations from the relationship?

It's ok to have a weekend relationship where you do your own things during the week where you can both go about your own hobbies. If that is what you both want and expect and you aren't made to feel bad about how you spend the rest of your time. Do you think the time you spend with her is a positive for you?

My mum and dad have been together nearly 40 years, my grandparents were together 70 years, I've been with my partner 20 years. We all have different interests and hobbies to other partners that's ok, there's a bit of jest about some of those being "boring" / "dull" but it's always the activities and not the person it's never personal. It's sounds like she does make it personal

i have a high tolerance for tedium and my partner has a low tolerance we engage with different people in different ways. I love hearing about things people are interested in even if that my dad talking about the history or motorways or the latest conspiracy theory my sister has read about. My partner zones out. My partner is into sports, I zone out of those conversations. I have different conversations with my mum Vs my dad, my mum Vs my mother-in-law law. My partner Vs his dad. I have different conversations with the mums at the school gates Vs those I've become firm friends with Vs those I met in antenatal classes Vs those I met doing my PhD. There isn't one person that shares everything I'm interested in but as a collective there's always someone to talk about most things I want to talk about

Its good to address the jealously which stems from personal insecurities. Once you addres jealously everything will start to fall into place when making friends.

How have you managed to maintain 4 years with a man you have nothing in common with , even living apart .

Its difficult for me to see what you are getting from your relationship with that man around whom you have to tiptoe so carefully. Is it because you would prefer to have a partner rather than no partner and be lonely? I think this is true for many women who dont want to be alone, Being a single is very challenging but also greatly satisfying. You are free to be quiet on your own or to go out and meet like minded people when you feel the need. I dont see your relationship with this man lasting.

One of the reasons I have remained single is that I could never have married a man who did not match me in interlect. Its ironic that I later did meet such a man but he was gay. We are still good friends.

Im sorry to say that your partner sounds very like my father. He was very suspicious of my attempts to further my career and constantly accused me of having "Ideas above my class". When I went into a job where I was paid by bank transfer and was issued with a chequebook he was very scathing. I had no choice as this is how we were paid (local authority). After only a year or so in the job I earned more than him and never dared let him know this while I still lived with my parents. Needless to say I moved out as soon as I could afford it.and later went to uni.

I think you have very little in common wit this person.

You are being very rational (objective) about their good points, which you acknowledge.

But you seem to have little common ground, as, nice and intelligent as she is, she doesn’t have the curiosity that you value.

This is nobody’s fault. I don’t see this as a male/female issue. I think there is an incompatibility issue, and it’s whether you and she can HAPPILY live ever after with these differences that are at play. Can you both warmly embrace your differences, without rancour or judgement or disappointment?

It doesn’t matter if you’re a man and she’s a woman, the answer is the same. Take a class. If you can’t go take a class or do something that interests you, and you continue to look down on your partner, the relationship is not healthy.

I would be bored too- I do not like being lectured to- and my intellect is just fine, thank you.

do what interests you. Maybe you’d both be better off with someone else.

Quoting this because it is so well said. Exactly this.

Why are you with this woman? She sounds absolutely horrible.

Well he is obviously not "aware" of that as if he knew they were mistakes, he wouldn't put them in, would he?

I also think you are being really unfair, actually. I haven't gone through his every post in great detail, but my overwhelming impression was of an articulate person who uses complex vocab and grammatical constructions. If there is the odd mistake in there, so what? I make mistakes in my posts on here all the time, I am sure, and I read English at Oxford, so I am sure I am at least as literate as the majority of the population when I want to be - it's a social media website, we don't all approach it as if wr are sitting an exam....

I do agree OP is perhaps unnecessarily verbose, but I know I can totally be like that too (like now!) so no way would I judge him for that..... .

I only judge the OP for his writing mistakes because of the scathing way he described his girlfriend's 'poor written English'. Otherwise, I'd have no comment to make on anyone's level of literacy.

But if he sets himself up as so intellectually superior to someone else, he deserves to have that claim prodded a little.

You keep ignoring this question, but I'll try again.

Why are you in a relationship with her? What is the point of it for you? She doesn't like you, you don't like her, so why are you wasting your time and energy on it when you could be using them to find friends that actually like you for who you are?

I wonder that. If you can't even talk to a partner about your interests, what's the point?

Ignore that poster, they're talking bollocks. People talk about what interests them all the time, but if you want intellectual conversation you have to pursue intellectual hobbies because you won't have your needs met otherwise.

Most people just want to talk about the everyday, so you need to seek out the minority who prefer your kind of conversation.

She's thick as mince, controlling, abusive and you don't even live together (thankfully).

Why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship with her in the first place?

Ditch the twat and enjoy your life.

Autism doesn’t equal free rein to act inappropriately, surely with all your “research”, you would be aware of that?