How to word this without causing offence

[DracunculusVulgaris]

This may be long, although I will try to be as succinct as possible, whilst still including all relevant information. I am also expecting to be 'pounced' upon and possibly thought of as judgemental and possibly egotistical, full of myself and pompous!
I am taking early retirement, or partial retirement, within the next twelve months and am 4 years into a relationship with my partner, although we do not live together and normally only spend time together at weekends, high days and holidays. I do not have a wide circle of friends - in fact, nobody I would call a "close" friend, more a few aquaintances scattered around the country who I rarely see, or spend time with.
My dilemma is this: my interests revolve around history, natural history, gardening, landscapes, architecture, industrial archaeology, ornithology, botony, entomology, mammology, science, literature, languages, language, words, etymology, writing, clocks, horology and old scientific instruments - amongst other things! Sadly, my partner shares none of these interests and appears to be bored, or disaccociates, whenever I talk about them or wish to spend time pursuing them. I also work in a heavily male dominated environment with people who are, by and large, sexist, misogynistic and lacking in cognitive or emotional maturity and the conversation tends to be crude, vulgar and peppered with constant swearing, which I hate! To be frank, I am craving some mental and intellectual stimulation in both my working and private life - I am fearful that, on retirement, with more time on my hands, I will vegetate and my brain will atrophy, without sufficient stimulation, and have decided that I wish to join a local history group, a book club, writing class, language class, U3A, or natural history society or several of these things, in order to feed my interests and make some new friends with whom I can discuss and talk about the things which interest me. Here is the crux of the matter, and the point at which I will probably come across as judgemental, although it is a truth - my partner is, without wishing to be diminishing, not very well educated or articulate, speaks and writes very poor English, sees little value in learning, is unable to assimilate and remember information and is, although acknowledging these things, very, very sensitive about them. In addition, insecurity, jealousy and anxiety about me having friends are also a huge issue.
How on earth do I approach this and phrase my desire to persue some of these activities, and potentially make some new friends, without causing huge offence or come across as belittling and insensitive?

I knew you were a man from your original op. Men come on MN: my girlfriend isn’t as intellectually curious as me. Women come on MN: my boyfriend beats me up and takes all my money. If she doesn’t make you happy, let her go. She is supposed to be something you value, not a ball and chain.

Dear Stephanie, I have been giving a lot of thought to our relationship recently. We've had a lot of fun together, but I don't see us continuing to be compatible during our upcoming retirements. I think now is the time for us to start moving in different directions and making different choices. I wish you all the very best in the future.

Define "act inappropriately" in a way that will enable someone autistic, who by definition have a "deficit in social communication", to consistently act according to neurotypical standards of "appropriate".

I'll wait.

The reason why OP posted here in the first place was to get assistance with acting appropriately because, by definition, his disability means that he struggles with that.

It’s a sign of intelligence to be able to tailor your communication style to different audiences after all.

No, it's just a sign of being neurotypical.

Thank you @selffellatingouroborosofhate, you have hit the nail on the head with these observations!

But I am really starting to wonder whether actually I am expecting too much and that having curiosity and interest in a wide variety of subjects is boring to others and not to be discussed. Just this weekend I mentioned that I had, during the course of the week, watched a couple of documentaries about Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Frederick Douglass and the underground railroad in America during the nineteenth century and wanted to share what I had learned. The response? "I don't know who those people are G" - and I immediately felt 'shut down' and that was the end of that conversation!

I do not know what to do any longer, other than just become totally mute, and never speak of anything which interests me!

There are people who would know who those people are, and would talk about them - or would say, "I don't know who those people are, can you tell me?"

You aren't expecting too much, but it's clear you're expecting too much with this person. You're not compatible. Free yourself and find someone who will value your curiosity.

U3A is not just for study, most areas have activities: line dancing, keep fit, yoga, walkiing, wine tasting, to name just a few. It all depends on your local groups and it is all self help. So there could be something for your partner, even an activity you could do together. You can join various U3As in other areas if there are more suitable groups.

No youre not expecting too much. You just need to find the right person/ people. Don’t apologise about wanting to widen your circle. This will increase your chances of meeting people who share same interests. You never know, perhaps a new romance and someone with a bit more spark ?!

Have a look at sigbi.org my neighbour with seemingly similar interests goes to this - Soroptimist - and its women only in the main so that excludes him ;)

Oh - you're a man - ignore that below then. Go off to the men's shed club or something.

Sorry, didn’t read the whole thread so just replying to your first post.

It sounds like you’re massively masking. People with Autism are scared of being themselves because it’s often very blunt and to the point.

It reads to me like you’re scared he wouldn’t be able to handle you saying this and just being you.

If you tell him you want to do these things and he has a problem with I then you’re not compatible and it’s never going to work.

But please, please just be yourself and if he doesn’t like it then it’s not meant to be.

Unnecessarily rude, dismissive and unhelpful - thank goodness there are more polite and enlightened users who have offered constructive thoughts.

After my previous post I read a few pages of this thread and this explains it so much better than I ever could. Most people can’t understand Autism and how Autistic people are.

OP, just be yourself, keep talking about your interests. If she isn’t interested it’s because she isn’t. But if you want someone to be interested you’ll have to find someone else.

What is the attraction; it doesn’t sound cerebral?

My initial post was more a question of how to vocalise, to my partner, my desire for some engagement with others who share my interests, without causing her offence or making her feel undermined, belittled or 'not enough',

I don’t think you need to vocalise anything. You just join the clubs, makes new friends, tell her about them in passing but don’t make a big thing of it. And for goodness sake, don’t try to educate her about it all.

You don’t share the same interests. And that can be fine. Me and DH do not have a shared hobby between us. We like very different films, books etc. It has never been an issue because we don’t try and foist our interests on each other. We just do our own thing and come together to relax.

I think you've misunderstood @JazzyBBBG.

She wrote "ignore that below then". That seems like a non-sequitur, perhaps a paste error, unless you've spotted the "Flip thread" link. Some people prefer to read the thread flipped, with the most recent post at the top.

So look above her post for what she is telling you to ignore: her own previous post in which she suggested that you join the Soroptomists. That suggestion is no good to you, because the Soroptomists are a women-only organisation. That poster had suggested women's groups for you to join because, like many on this thread, she assumed you were a woman.

She realised her mistake, attempted to retract and correct, and suggested the only men's organisation she could think of: Men's Sheds.

Thank you @selffellatingouroborosofhate, for explaining that and, if I have misunderstood, I apologise unreservedly to @JazzyBBBG for doubting the intent and veracity behind the comment

Just do it and say that you have joined whatever it may be.

To not do that would be detrimental to you and your partner should be excited for you to be happy and forfilled.

You need to find your people, OP. I think joining clubs and societies will be the best thing for you. Right now, you’re trying desperately to talk to people who aren’t on your wavelength. I love that analogy by a comedian, when you’re neurodivergent, talking to other people feels like you’re the only sober one and everyone else is drunk. It’s something you can’t seem to tap into, and it’s why I feel you’re getting shut down.

You need to find a tribe of similar people. Ones who will happily natter about topics you also find interesting. Luckily the internet has made this much easier and there are so many groups and communities you can join in real life.

Find your tribe, OP.

As others have said (and this is a genuine question) what aspects of this relationship bring you joy?
It’s interesting that you came on simply for advice on how to ‘manage’ your partner through this rather than it occurring to you that this relationship isn’t right for you. You seem resigned to being in a relationship with her rather than questioning if you are happy or whether it’s right for you.

I’m summarising just a few of your views you have shared in here:

You aren’t compatible in terms of your hobbies, interests or intellect .She is dismissive of them, you and not interested. She is possessive and controlling and does not want you to do things that make you happy even though you are not with each other much (and isn’t a healthy relationship about wanting the best for the other person whether you are physically together or not?), there are long silences, you make the effort to go to hers but she does not come to you.

There are many others. So back to my original question :

What do you actually get out of the relationship as it stands? There must be some aspects that are enjoyable ? (I don’t believe talking with her mum about plants whilst working in her garden should be top of the list)

Do you laugh together? is the sex fantastic? do you have interesting conversations? do you enjoy some of your pursuits together? Do you respect her and enjoy her company? Do you feel that you are both putting equal effort into this relationship?

Can you answer those questions being honest with yourself?

Op, from the first post you come across as male and your partner possibly Filipina or Thai. Just my guess. And you probably work in the transport industry. It also seems to me that you have an arrangement with your partner that you do not want to disturb, despite the two of you having very different backgrounds and interests. Your partner is most likely very insecure given the differences between the two of you.
You’ve never said anything about their own interests. Maybe you could try and organise something together about what she likes and then invite her over to a garnering club or another of your interests that doesn’t involve anything that might make her feel inferior to the rest of the people. The trouble is she already feels inferior to you, hence her calling you posh, snub etc.
I believe you will soon realise there is more to life and partnerships in general than whatever your arrangement is.

Indeed - I didn't think I had been rude!

You may do well at the men's sheds - could help others. A lot of men go for the companionship/teaching angle to support others not just learn from. If you have a skill you could share I am sure they would welcome you.

This is honestly a genuine question. You’re obviously very intelligent, so don’t you get very bored and frustrated with your current partner?
Would you like to meet someone on the same level as you?

And fwiw, I think you should always go to things you’re interested in. Never compromise yourself, or resentment will creep in.

@OhDearMuriel, yes, I am bored to tears much of the time and becoming intensely frustrated with the lack of curiosity and interest in anything. And I freely admit that I am starting to feel resentful that every weekend is spent trailing around her family members, watching her son, daughter in law and grandson playing endless computer games or at her mum's house, gawping mindlessly at vacuous, mind numbing, tedious television ( not infrequently the QVC shopping channel, which is on, virtually permanently, as a backdrop - and I am being serious!).

And, yes, I would dearly love to spend time with others who share my interests, hence my desire, which is becoming stronger by the day, to join some groups or clubs which reflect my interests, and this is the whole point of my thread - how to word this, to my partner, without offending or upsetting her.

What do you have in common?