How to word this without causing offence

[DracunculusVulgaris]

This may be long, although I will try to be as succinct as possible, whilst still including all relevant information. I am also expecting to be 'pounced' upon and possibly thought of as judgemental and possibly egotistical, full of myself and pompous!
I am taking early retirement, or partial retirement, within the next twelve months and am 4 years into a relationship with my partner, although we do not live together and normally only spend time together at weekends, high days and holidays. I do not have a wide circle of friends - in fact, nobody I would call a "close" friend, more a few aquaintances scattered around the country who I rarely see, or spend time with.
My dilemma is this: my interests revolve around history, natural history, gardening, landscapes, architecture, industrial archaeology, ornithology, botony, entomology, mammology, science, literature, languages, language, words, etymology, writing, clocks, horology and old scientific instruments - amongst other things! Sadly, my partner shares none of these interests and appears to be bored, or disaccociates, whenever I talk about them or wish to spend time pursuing them. I also work in a heavily male dominated environment with people who are, by and large, sexist, misogynistic and lacking in cognitive or emotional maturity and the conversation tends to be crude, vulgar and peppered with constant swearing, which I hate! To be frank, I am craving some mental and intellectual stimulation in both my working and private life - I am fearful that, on retirement, with more time on my hands, I will vegetate and my brain will atrophy, without sufficient stimulation, and have decided that I wish to join a local history group, a book club, writing class, language class, U3A, or natural history society or several of these things, in order to feed my interests and make some new friends with whom I can discuss and talk about the things which interest me. Here is the crux of the matter, and the point at which I will probably come across as judgemental, although it is a truth - my partner is, without wishing to be diminishing, not very well educated or articulate, speaks and writes very poor English, sees little value in learning, is unable to assimilate and remember information and is, although acknowledging these things, very, very sensitive about them. In addition, insecurity, jealousy and anxiety about me having friends are also a huge issue.
How on earth do I approach this and phrase my desire to persue some of these activities, and potentially make some new friends, without causing huge offence or come across as belittling and insensitive?

Please don’t make yourself ‘less’ to stop someone else feeling threatened. You are you - a good partner loves you as you are. They know the worst of you as it were and love you anyway!

As they say ‘you do you’. If your intellectual interests and hobbies truly made you boring, why would your partner be so worried about you expanding your friendships group? The truth may be that the partner is jealous and possessive because she well knows that you may meet others who find you appealing.

You sound completely incompatible and it also sounds like she doesn't like you very much, from the way she speaks to you. Maybe you should break up with her, and then you can do whatever you are interested in without having someone make an issue of it and calling you names.

You sound like the male version of me!

Seriously though, you need to consider whether or not this relationship is serving you, as it sounds like it's detrimental to your health and wellbeing.

You don’t have to word it to her. Just do it !
Why would you have to explain to her ?

As pp said, you do sound incompatible and maybe it would be better to break up. Then do your own thing and you might meet someone amazing !
You won’t be in with a chance of meeting this amazing person if you keep the status quo.

Meeting likeminded people and being single may be the way to go ? At the very least, you get to enjoy others’ company and be free of the boredom and frustration you experience in your current relationship.

Usually you cant break up without hurting someone’s feelings. Maybe accept that. It is what it is but you can’t sacrifice your own happiness because if this.

Thank you - I am far from perfect, have many faults, foibles, quirks and imperfections, as we all do, do not pretend to be an intellectual colossus or an academic, (I am in a manual, outdoor occupation as a plantsman/horticulturalist/gardener, hence my user name, which is one of my favourite plants), but have many and varied interests, enjoy learning and would like to be able to share all this with like minded people.

I’m not sure she’s the woman for you to be honest

Yes, I do sometimes wonder if she actually 'likes' me, let alone loves me as many of her actions seem deliberately designed to hurt or goad me. Even last night she went to spend the evening with some of her friends and called me, just as she was leaving to drive home, and the moment I answered she belched down the phone at me, laughed and I instantly knew that she had been drinking, from her animated, excitable manner, singing to herself, though I have no idea how much she had consumed. Yes, I am aware of what I have just written - we have spoken many times about her belief that it is acceptable to drive after having a drink, whereas my view is that any alcohol at all is a non negotiable before driving. Although I admit that I am biased, since my mum was alcohol dependant and largely emotionally absent for most of my childhood and adolescence, till I left home at 17, and I have a huge wariness and caution around alcohol and avoid it myself. Gosh! This sounds worse and worse, the more I write...

🚩🚩🚩🚩 your interests are your interests. Ditch her. Move on. Find a partner that shares the same interests... What do you actually get out of this relationship anyway??

oh op - I read your first post and thought - oh you are autistic then saw your second one confirming this!!

Please don't stay with this man - get on and enjoy your life!

To answer all those who have asked what I get out of this relationship and why I stay, well, I am not entirely sure, quite honestly, and it is not easy to formulate answers, but I will try.

I have a very close bond with her mum, who is, in a way, a replacement for my own mum ( or rather, the mum I would have liked to have had), she seems to understand my autism, she is kind and gracious, polite, respectable and respectful, cooks the most amazing Jamaican food for me in return for helping her with her garden and I adore her and would find it hard to lose that connection if I were to seperate from my partner.

I simply do not know how to seperate without feeling guilty or without acrimony and, frankly, I am fearful of her reaction. She is, or can be, quite frightening when annoyed, angry or irked or with those who do not agree with her or do as she thinks they should, but presents to her family and friends as being loving, kind and thoughtful - and, by and large, she is, sacrificing much of her time to accommodate and do kindnesses for her family.

You sound lovely. The name calling alone means this person is not your partner or even your friend. I suspect you are being taken for granted. Simply choose how you wish to spend your time, be busy next time she calls. Gently explain you wish to pursue your interests.
By all means continue helping her mother but put it on a professional basis.

Thank you @Whatwouldnanado, I do, I confess, sometimes feel that I am being taken for granted, or that I am 'useful, but not important' and have discovered a mantra which I am repeating to myself daily: "the fastest road to misery is to do what others expect of you, not what you want to do"!

You don’t sound compatible at all and would possibly be happier with someone else. I think she might do better with someone more suited to her too. Then you could spend the weekend doing things that you enjoy and are interested in.

@Roseshoe, I agree that my partner would probably be better off with someone else too, someone who would enjoy going horseracing, to bars, pubs etc, the genre of film and television which are her preference, and the other things which she enjoys, that I don't, and who would be a better fit for her. The fact of the matter is that we neither one enhance or bring out the best in each other and it must be obvious to all her family and friends that this is the case, as it is to me too, and must be to her also. I do sometimes feel very guilty and as if I am clipping her wings, so to speak.

Really, run for the hills. You have one life! Have courage.

This definitely does sound worse and worse the more you tell us! How can you enjoy her company, or even bear to look at her without disgust, when she drinks and drives and doesn't care? And doesn't care enough about you to care that it bothers you?

Honestly, just break up with her, and be friends with her mum. You could say that you've realised you'll never be able to meet her needs or make her happy as she deserves, so you want her to be free to meet someone who can. Then maybe she wouldn't object to you still spending time with her mum.

Also this is very sad to read - "my mum was alcohol dependant and largely emotionally absent for most of my childhood and adolescence" - it sounds like you have picked someone quite similar to your mum, not realising that relationships are supposed to be better than this.

Perhaps it’s time now to spread your wings.

You both serve a purpose to one another, but it’s not the right purpose.

OP I feel concerned for you as everything you say suggests this woman is not just incompatible but bullying and abusive and contemptuous. You do not deserve this!

I honestly would draw this connection to a close. It may be that you can stay in touch with her mother - but if you can’t, this will be a loss exchanged for freeing yourself from what sounds like exploitation and abuse.

You obviously think through things very carefully & fairly & I think do not realise how very badly this woman is behaving. She sounds quite horrible.

That's no way to live @DracunculusVulgaris, although I am disappointed your interests listed do not include anything akin to the fantastical with that name, it is hard enough trying to act like social norms are not exhausting at best without a partner making you feel silenced. I don't share your interests either (other than current affairs/the news) but you sound much more fun to be around than your partner.

Your retirement plans sound wonderful, embracing all the parts of you that you enjoy. There will be others who share at least some of your interests. I wouldn't wait for retirement, join a club or two now and find your voice again.

Sounds as though your partner lives a considerable distance away. Stop travelling to her, you won't have the time with your new pursuits. If she wants to see you she will make the effort otherwise the issue will resolve itself when you are of no use to her.

Don't answer her calls when she has been drinking. Drinking and driving is loathsome. That alone would be a deal breaker for me, sounds like she shuts your legitimate concerns down because she prioritised booze over the chance of killing someone.

You only have to think how to word something in a way that is not offensive or upsetting if there is something in what you're about to say that is potentially either of those things.

This isn't true in your case. All you are saying is that you are planning to join x and y. That should simply be a statement of fact to someone who is in a healthy relationship, not something that is loaded with any kind of expectations or moral judgements on either side.

The fact you can't do this either shows that you are a completely terrible communicator or your girlfriend is a pretty terrible person. You seem very articulate on these threads, so ...

My God, OP, life doesn’t have to be like this.
You do not have to stay in a relationship. You don’t even have to have a reason for ending it. Just say this isn’t working for you, and hold firm.
Your time and your life are your own; there is no rule that says if you’ve entered into the inquiry of whether a relationship is a long-term one, that it has to stay long-term, no matter what!

it’s difficult to be the one to end things, but I would urge you to consider setting yourself free.

There are others out there who would be happy to discuss a documentary about the Underground Railroad. You could join a local historical society, or something along those lines- something that sparks your interest.

The worst kind of loneliness is the kind that comes of being with someone else who doesn’t want to know you. If your partner has no interest in your thoughts, you are torturing yourself by staying.

Thank you @WaryHiker, I have actually chosen to stay at home this weekend - there is a history event at the arts centre in my nearby town tomorrow, with a series of presentations relating to local history and the opportunity to try medieval food, which I am going to and will be in my element!
And on Sunday I am meeting up with some friends, who I haven't seen for 4 years, who are going to be in my area, with their campervan.

I have told my partner this, and suggested that, just for once, she would like to come and stay with me. But, as always, there are reasons and excuses as to why she is unable to. And I can tell, from her comments and tone of voice, that she is not happy about my plans and doesn't believe me, though what she imagines I will really be doing I cannot fathom! And I know that, in some way, shape or form I will be 'punished' for daring to do something for myself.

It is, indeed, no way to live!

Well done,OP ! That sounds a wonderful plan for your weekend. Don’t let your partner’s negative comments and vibes ruin your enjoyment.

She sounds abusive. It doesn’t matter if she believes you or not. Break away. Why go back? Her response is very telling.

Hard to imagine how you got together, but certainly sounds like it’s time to end the relationship because it’s pointless to continue. You both deserve to have partners on your own wavelength