Advise needed please

[Cheekychopz12]

Need some advise please
With my partner just over 1 year, don't live together thats not an issue. Few months into seeing eachother something came up on his phone which showed he had been in contact online with other women. I played detective and was sent screenshots of him sexting multiple women telling them he was single single and not seeing anyone. He said we wern't together in that way and it was non of my business which I understand but we had got so close, together all the time. He said if we were in a proper relationship things would be different, delete his social media, change numbers etc, which I didnt ask for and he hasn't done. He blocked me on all his social media back then and still won't allow me on it even though were together "properly" now. His phone is always either in his hand or his pocket, never sets it down, brings it to the toilet with him. Am I in the wrong for thinking something isn't right? Theres so much more that doesn't add up but im always made to feel like im the problem. Theres so much more, but he says hes sick of my constantly accusing him. I just cant shake the gut feeling ive had its making me so unwell but I idolise him and dont want to lose him. He has snap, hes 43, says hes never on it but I got someone to check and hes always still active. He says he uses it for pictures but always insists he doesnt use filters before snap was mentioned. His tiktok was literally just hundreds of women before he deleted it. Now he has a work page and im still not allowed on that and women keep appearing on it and he sent me a screenshot not long ago that one of them was a contact in his phone. He said shes an old friend but I reached out to her she says they've never met but just know eachother. It just seems like hes hiding something from me. The sexting from before was from women from all over the uk, were northern ireland. He has so many women's numbers in his phone from snapchat and tiktok including his ex that he said cheated on him. I just find it so disrespectful. He has 2 facebook "work" pages, tiktok "work" page and snapchat. He's always telling me to stay off social media because I got looking for things so i deactivated them. He's also refusing to put on his facebook that hes in a relationship

Come on now. You know full well he can't be trusted. Why do you choose to be with someone who cheats?

Firstly he shouldn’t be telling to stay off social media, not his place! Secondly he is gaslighting you, and possibly worse, seriously ditch him! How can you ever trust him!?

This sounds like an utterly miserable relationship. Why are you putting yourself through this nonsense for a 1 year old relationship?

Walk away with your dignity, this will only get worse. You have shown him that you are willing to put up with a considerable amount of disrespect already o he will ramp it up and destroy you if you let him.

See this is the thing hes constantly telling me this is all in my head and I must have past issues that are making me be this way. I've tried ending things with him so many times recently but he always gets in my head and makes me question myself. I know deep down something is going on but if you spoke to him you'd understand things, he really does get in my head with it all

Then stop listening to him - seriously! The best thing for you is to get out of this relationship. Tell him this is your decision snd it's final.

You are never going to be happy with this guy - it's as clear as day.

Op listen to your gut, its telling you, of course he doesn't want you on his socials, tells you not to use yours, op big 🚩🚩🚩🚩 here and lots of them,

He will continue to disrespect you while you let him,
You know that's enough op, don't ask just walk and keep walking,

How much more evidence do you need that this man has no respect for you and is deliberately eroding your confidence? Please leave him and reclaim your life.

Also this is emotional abuse and manipulation. You won't want to hear that right now, but that's what it is. I hope you get rid of him very soon.

Thank you all so much honestly its tearing me apart. He advised me to go to councilling a few months ago but it didnt help. Im a shell of myself now, the person I used to be. He always says hes not doing anything wrong and I'll never find anything on him but my gut is screaming at me. Do any of you think this is in my head and maybe I am unwell. I've had bad mental health over the years but with all this its the worst its been

Trust your instincts. People in their forties happy in their relationships don't need to be on snapchat and the like.

Omg op no its not your head, your gut is telling you, this is abuse op, if he has nothing to hide why not add you to socials, why dictate you on your socials op ??

Of course he's tell you ' nothing going on' why isn't he reassuring you op,

This is a game , he has the power to make you feel so bad , you go to councilling,

Op take back your power, you don't need to know what he's doing ' believe me he is' he has you walking on eggshells doubting yourself, stop it op, only you can stop this, walk away and don't look back, your worthy of so much more,

This man's not nice op, he so disrespectful of you,

Pack a bag and leave,
You know what he's doing then saying to you are two different things aren't they you know,

Be kind to yourself op, please don't allow him this power over you,

I could literally cry right now. He's brainwashed me into believing that im some sort of nut job. He works away on the oil rigs now and again and when hes away thats the only time I actually settle. He has a daughter who's in care and I only met her a few days ago for the first time but hes been around my kids almost every single day since christmas last year, he says hes protecting her from getting hurt. What about my kids, my daughter adores him. I do admit that recently I have been gling on at him about everything in my post but for good reason, a year down the line things should have been so different. He works during the day but even at weekends hell only come up to mine at 8 or 9 at night then go home again at 11 or 12, stays once a week and says I should be privileged that I'll never find another man like him. He is a good person. Very hardworking and a great daddy but with me hes not. He speaks down to me because I dont work. He's just bought an upholstery cleaning machine to set up a business that he said will get me extra money but hes throwing that up in my face now saying look what im doing for you if I was up to anything would I do all this

Op that’s what they all do
1 month ago tomorrow I found used bondage tape in my bf of 2.5 year’s bedroom
it was just the tip of the iceberg of suspicious bullshit I’d found
do you think he tried to reassure me ? No he gaslit me and called me crazy and said I’m always looking for a fight
dont be me and put up with it for another year or so just end it now you have all the evidence you need .

edited to add: I was also told I need therapy op. Because I didn’t like his overly enmeshed ‘friendship’ with another woman who he saw behind me back .

Hi @Cheekychopz12
If you want a committed, honest relationship where you feel respected, this isnt it.

He can tell you keep off socials but you dont have to follow his requests/commands. Nobody can make anyone do anything they dont want to do. We choose to do things for various reasons.

When he is next working away or on nights not with you, think about why you are choosing to be with him (and if not being open/honest is a dealbreaker? It is for most people but this ks about you).

If you dont feel respected and suspect he is cheating (emotionally or otherwise), end the relationship. You dont owe him anything. You are worth love, respect and an honest/open person.

All the best x

Omg im so sorry you went through that, its disgusting behaviour. I hope your doing ok now? I really need to walk away for my own sanity, its just so hard. I dont have anyone at all, I dont leave the house and he knows this. I've always suffered with bad anxiety and mental health its just got way worse lately

OK so not living together, but he visits at 9pm and gone by 11/12 pm , why op were is he going,
Yes he knows what he is doing, and God forbid your not greatful op, do not think this, how bloody dare he,
Can I ask, why is his daughter in care, why isn't he looking after her, this again is troubling op,
Do you use socials, if do good keep going don't let him dictate to you,
You really do need to think about your feeling here op, your not nuts, he's done a good job on you, remember be greatful, god i could punch him right now,
You need to be busy too busy for him to pop in, gray rock him ' google it' stay calm he won't like that, until you decide what to do, but you know, you just need to calm down and think op, give yourself some space,

Thank you @LemonLassi dont know how to repky to individual comments. I know deep down the disrespect but he keeps saying its in my head that im stalking him and trying to control him for asking him to block their numbers etc. Im gaslighting and manipulating him. Ive called him out on it so many times but he keeps sucking me back in, I feel like I deep solid proof of what hes doing so that I can walk away for good but hes just so secretive with everything. He'll leave messages from friends on his phone screen and when he gets a new message hell swipe it away and read out the ones that are already on it then go up to the bathroom, its the same pattern. I know I've only myself to blame but even my councillor said its a trauma bond.

C'mon OP, you aren't that daft. He's rampantly cheating and treating you like a bloody fool. Better to cut your losses now than 5 or 10 years down the line when all that idolisation of yours has well and truly evaporated - because it will, believe me.

Hi @Omgblueskysyes even though the week he won't come up until around 8/9 even if he finished work early, says he needs to go home to nap and shower etc. Every time hes up I make him dinner then hes away again 11/12 refuses now to stay during the week. He goes home as he says hes tired. I know he does go home because he voice notes me but have had feelings before of him going to someones house through the night. Even when hes working he drives skip lorries and does gardens ive suspected him meeting up for coffees etc as he'll disappear for a while. Hiss daughter was sa by her mums birthday at the time. Shes not allowed contact with her now. He says because he works away on the rigs and with his daughters behavior and his boundaries she won't stay with him that hes tried it before but his sister said he didnt. Yes I have social media but its all deactivated. Only last week I opened my facebook again and he said he woukd open up one in his name to get to me. Even though he has 2 work ones. I posted a picture of us a few weeks ago on facebook when i reactivated my facebook before and his sister told him. He went ballistic. Blocked me said hes very private and doesnt want anything about him on social media but his own old tiktok account had hundreds of women and loads of pictures and videos of him. I know what I have to do its just finding the strength when he rings me to stay firm and tell him no

@ginaseverndo you honestly think he is? My gut screams it but with no evidence and the way he speaks to me its making me doubt things. I really do wish I was stronger than this its eating away at me

Not one person who has answered you has defended him. There is nothing you have said that says there is an ounce of good in this man.

When he comes to your home in the evening on the weekends, do you always have sex?

I noticed you praised him for being a good dad. I'm curious how he is demonstrating this as you said you've only met his daughter once.

Does he ever take you out or is your relationship solely behind closed doors?

Apart from the upholstery machine, what does he do for you? Does he cook you dinner? Help around the house? Anything like that?

Do you talk about your future? Does he listen to you? Does he make you laugh?

Maybe you could write a list of the qualities you would like in a partner/relationship and then add up how many this relationship gives you.

I know maybe this is the clarification im needing right now. Hearing it from other people instead of him saying its all in my head. He come up through the week too but its still the same times. We do, maybe once a week. The odd time through the week in the kitchen while my kids are out but it doesnt feel intimate like a quicky and ive recently said this to him. Yes I just met her on saturday for the first time. Im just going by everything hes told me about their relationship. He doesn't see her much though i think thats due to her age and everything shes going through, shes a teen. We were speaking for a year and a half before i allowed him into my life. I was single for 4 years. He literally chased after me non stop and was saying the same things to other women that I found out when I was sent the sexting messages. No he doesnt take me anywhere, not for food, cinema etc. Doesnt buy me flowers. Although material things aren't an issue. He would by takeaways now and again. He would do odd jobs around my home but again he was offering that to other women to get into their homes but we wrrnt together properly then so its fine 🙄 mo hes never cooked me anything. He doesnt ask me to go to his house ive to beg him which is actually pathetic putting it in writing. Even the nights he does stay hell come up the usual time then away again 10 or 11 the next morning. I always joke saying were gona grow old together and he just laughs. He's very outgoing where as im very introvert. Im trying so hard to be the person I was when we first met, we used to get on brilliant until I got those messages sent to me, I was always up for a laugh and now I struggle with daily life

@Cheekychopz12 you have got all the "proof" you need if you re-read your posts? You have changed (not for the better) during this relationship.

He is shifty and secretive. He gaslights rather than reassures. He laughs when you talk about growing old together? Kick him to the kerb. You have begged to go to his? This dynamic in this relationship is way off what a healthy relationship looks like. You know it and only you can do anything about it. What more "proof" do you need?!

Bin him

Thank you everyone its time to pull up the big girl pants and do the right thing for my own sanity 😪💖