Advise needed please

[Cheekychopz12]

Need some advise please
With my partner just over 1 year, don't live together thats not an issue. Few months into seeing eachother something came up on his phone which showed he had been in contact online with other women. I played detective and was sent screenshots of him sexting multiple women telling them he was single single and not seeing anyone. He said we wern't together in that way and it was non of my business which I understand but we had got so close, together all the time. He said if we were in a proper relationship things would be different, delete his social media, change numbers etc, which I didnt ask for and he hasn't done. He blocked me on all his social media back then and still won't allow me on it even though were together "properly" now. His phone is always either in his hand or his pocket, never sets it down, brings it to the toilet with him. Am I in the wrong for thinking something isn't right? Theres so much more that doesn't add up but im always made to feel like im the problem. Theres so much more, but he says hes sick of my constantly accusing him. I just cant shake the gut feeling ive had its making me so unwell but I idolise him and dont want to lose him. He has snap, hes 43, says hes never on it but I got someone to check and hes always still active. He says he uses it for pictures but always insists he doesnt use filters before snap was mentioned. His tiktok was literally just hundreds of women before he deleted it. Now he has a work page and im still not allowed on that and women keep appearing on it and he sent me a screenshot not long ago that one of them was a contact in his phone. He said shes an old friend but I reached out to her she says they've never met but just know eachother. It just seems like hes hiding something from me. The sexting from before was from women from all over the uk, were northern ireland. He has so many women's numbers in his phone from snapchat and tiktok including his ex that he said cheated on him. I just find it so disrespectful. He has 2 facebook "work" pages, tiktok "work" page and snapchat. He's always telling me to stay off social media because I got looking for things so i deactivated them. He's also refusing to put on his facebook that hes in a relationship

Forget his words. What is his behaviour telling you?
I only know a few snippet and from the information you've shared I would say he's not committed to you. He doesnt want to be linked to you. He doesnt have time for you. You are very likely one of many . A side piece or a space saver. You have no future with him.

He doesnt care about you and your wellbeing. He's pissing on your shoes and telling you it's raining. What worries me is why don't you care about yourself? You know this relationship is having a negative impact of your MH. You know you need to walk away. Why aren't you doing it?

His behaviour screams thats hes up to something but he gaslighting from him makes me question everything repeatedly. I've spoke to him about this to, that he just doesnt seem to want to be around me that much, stringing me along for the sake of it but tells me he loves me and swears hes not doing anything wrong. He refuses to put on his Facebook that hes in a relationship because he says its his work page. He has 2. Ones a liked page the other a friends one, says no ones knows its even him on the account because theres only work videos of his gardening jobs so its pointless to put it on. Even though he hasn't actually posted anything on it since June! Doesnt get any work through there or tiktok so why have them. I really do think this is the end of the road now because im mentally and physically exhausted with it all. Its just non stop lies and manipulation. I tried to so many times but he keeps saying ill never find anyone else like him and no one else would stick my behaviour with him, the constant accusations. I just dont get why hes doing this to me. He knows I would do anything for him but our entire relationship is completely based on his terms. Yet he says I control him for wanting his number changed or their numbers blocked. He said me saying this to him only makes him not want to do it and in time maybe he will. He was the one that brought it up months ago. Said you always get someone ringing drunk in the early hours etc so thats always played on my mind. The swiping messages away, all his notifications are set to the same tone. He's never once got a tiktok or snap message while with me so I think he deletes them and re adds. Last night for instance, he got a message and straight away he went up to the bathroom. He's constantly telling me im not normal and a nut job I dont know why im sticking it to be honest. I rarely leave the house im a shell of myself now

He's in another relationship or seeing multiple people. Please start loving yourself and your kids enough to stop this. You are hurting yourself by allowing this awful person to use you. Focus on your children, your ambitions, your hobbies, your own life. I've been where you are and it breaks my heart to read your post and your replies. Please start to care for and cherish yourself xxxx

Trust your gut. You know what’s going on here. Read up on gaslighting and coercive control. I wish you all the best xx

Deep down I know this but he swears blind to my face that hes not. He says im the only person that gets the most time with him when hes not working. He does come up most nights but its just always so late and only stays a few hours and away again. I know this isn't in my head its making me so unwell. He said he doesnt want me voicenoting him all day either because I've caught him out about lying, saying hes in one place but saying different later etc. That its getting too much and no normal person wants to voicenote all day playing detective. He's been getting more pissed off with me now because usually I would let things build up over fear of saying anything then hit him with it all at once. He says im draining him and hes not doing anything and I'll never find anything on him but its near enough every day now theres something else ill catch him out on and i just say it. He keeps threatening that hell walk away for good and I'll look back and realise what a good man he was. That non of his exes were like this but he told me before that she used to call to his house drunk after they spilt accusing him of being with someone, this is the same ex he told me cheated on him and was crazy. Why would she be worried about him if she was in the wrong? He has 3 work vans and a car and flips between what hes using each day also his neighbours know about me so I definitely dont think hes bringing anyone home to there but I do think hes meeting up for coffees/walks through the day when he disappears at certain times. He travels all over belfast and surrounding areas with the skips so it could literally be anyone or multiple people. I just need the strength to finally stand up to him

He keeps threatening that hell walk away for good and I'll look back and realise what a good man he was.
Let him walk away for good. As a self-emptying rubbish bin he'd have shown you his one good feature.

Haha thats actually made me laugh 😂 thank you for that. I have no one else to talk to about any of this so its reassuring me that im really not as crazy as he says. I just needed to hear other peoples thoughts on it all other than what he tells me

Get rid instantly! What an absolute slimeball and any man over the age of 30 with snap is a massive ick 🤢 vile. Find someone who respects and loves you like you deserve, don’t put up with this shit! Come on, we only have one short life so don’t waste it with him and being miserable and anxious all the time!

You asked for advice. Split

Honestly op they all read from the same script. I also bottled things up and then exploded at him so I suppose that’s on me but I don’t think it’s normal to find used condoms etc in your partners house like I did. He also said I was draining him and he was sick of being on edge waiting for me to find more faults . He also told his ‘friendship’ with his female ‘best friend’ had never caused issues before yet later revealed that his last gf had dumped him the day after meeting her (apparently why he was reluctant to let me meet her) and that his long term ex had hated her .

Yes I know it just doesnt make sense. A girl appeared on his work tiktok last week so I reactived my facebook and sent her a friend request, she hasn't accepted. Tried reaching out to her on messenger it keep saying message not sent so I think shes restricted me after I tried to add her. Theres a few pics of us on my page that I refuse to take down that he doesnt know are on public so shes obviously seen them. Yesterday he said hed to go to lisburn to drop a skip off then collect money, tried ringing him and he wouldn't answer his phone. When he rang me back I said your phone must have been on silent cause it just rang and rang, hes done this before. He flipped and said im a nutjob who do I think im speaking to, I asked who she was said hed never heard of her, havent heard from him since
Edited to say she lives in lisburn going by her facebook

@bridezillaincomingi know it just turns my stomach the thought of it. He sent me a video of him doing you know what a few months ago, said it was one hed sent me when we first started speaking but id never seen it before. He was calling the person his dirty we princess. I actually heaved and deleted it straight away told him it was never sent to me hed never called me princess before. I havent every single message and video pictures hes ever sent me

I'd you end it, it won't matter what hensays because you won't he able.to hear him.

You know the truth but when he comes lut with this shit, you want it to he true so you try ad find a way of believing him even though your brain is telling you know you he's full of shit.

End it and you'll be far happier!

@UpDownAllAround1thank you im going to

Evidence that this is not a good man or a good relationship:
*child in care (red flag central)
*abusive behaviour (gas lighting, controlling, negging)
*sexting other women (gross, misogynistic, unfaithful)
*non commital (not staying often and using you as a booty call)

Honestly you need to get rid, you dont need any other reasons or evidence. This is enough. Then seriously work on your boundaries and your bar for men because right now its so low ants could jump over it. I suggest the freedom programme and therapy.

@TheThingOnTheIcesee i dont scream or shout at him I'll just blurt it all out but lately ive been saying it straight away which is pissing him off. Omg im so sorry im sure that turned your stomach, its so disrespectful and hurtful, I hope your ok. See they're always not doing anything wrong and its in our heads xo

@GreyCarpethes telling his friends etc that ive him tortured with all this, its just so unfair making me out to be crazy and stalking him. I know my feelings are valid and something just doesnt sit right with me and it hasn't this whole time. I am definitely. Haven't heard from him since yesterday when I confronted him about a girl that appeared on his tiktok, he was in thebdame place she lives and woukdnt answer the phone to me

@Joeydoesntsharefood25 his daughters won't stay with him, he said hes tried but she only lasts a few days and wants back to the home because of the boundaries he puts in place with her. The home let's them do what they want. Ive said about his behaviour gaslighting etc he said its me I do it to him im manipulating and controlling him for wanting his number changed or their numbers blocked. The sexting was back in march but i know hes still at it. Ive also called him out on not saying he says im needy and its not normal to want him up so much, that he needs time on his own etc. He does come up most nights but its only for a few hours. Its putting my head away but hes so calm about everything, said if he was doing anything would he not be freaking out etc, always has a reason for his behaviour

@Joeydoesntsharefood25sorry that should say daughter*

@Cheekychopz12 I'm sorry that might be what hes telling you about his daughter but why was she taken into care in the first place?! If he was a good father he would be moving heaven and earth to have her back. But hes not. I can guarantee theres a lot more to that story. Either way hes not a good man or partner. For all the reasons that have been listed. Take control of your life, expect and demand better from your next partner.

@Joeydoesntsharefood25 her we home is 5 minutes drive from his house. Shes a lot of mental health issues from whats happened to her a few years ago. She was sa by her mums ex bf at the time, mums not allowed near her. Shes been in the home since then. Been in and out of mental health places but the child's being failed by the system. He does try his best with her though. Ive asked myself this. Even saturday when I met her for the first time it needed up with her being in hospital, I called again that night to see her and begged him not to let her go back to the home, he said hes spoke to her again and she won't, said she would think about it. He tells me ill never get anyone else like him that hes such a good hardworking man and Im making his life hell. I was single 4 years before him. He chased me for a year and a half before id allow him near me or my home. He lives 10 minutes drive away but I couldn't until I knew I was sure, or so I thought. He was sexting back in march telling them all the same story of his daughter and whats shes been through, that hes off work on the rigs spending all his free time with her. Which was lies he wasn't seeing her much at all then, he was with me and my kids almost every day

Oh come on op . I’ve put up with a lot of shit from men but this is ridiculous. You need to take a step back and see this for what it is.

@TheThingOnTheIcei really do feel like such a fool, why am I allowing this? He gets into my head so much and makes me believe hes not doing anything

This is a scummy chavvy lowlife guy. I feel like I need a shower after reading about him. How did you meet this specimen if you don't go out of the house?

Just block him, change the locks, end it. He's dragging you down.

This is an utter waste of time. You need to end this relationship.