Advise needed please

[Cheekychopz12]

Need some advise please
With my partner just over 1 year, don't live together thats not an issue. Few months into seeing eachother something came up on his phone which showed he had been in contact online with other women. I played detective and was sent screenshots of him sexting multiple women telling them he was single single and not seeing anyone. He said we wern't together in that way and it was non of my business which I understand but we had got so close, together all the time. He said if we were in a proper relationship things would be different, delete his social media, change numbers etc, which I didnt ask for and he hasn't done. He blocked me on all his social media back then and still won't allow me on it even though were together "properly" now. His phone is always either in his hand or his pocket, never sets it down, brings it to the toilet with him. Am I in the wrong for thinking something isn't right? Theres so much more that doesn't add up but im always made to feel like im the problem. Theres so much more, but he says hes sick of my constantly accusing him. I just cant shake the gut feeling ive had its making me so unwell but I idolise him and dont want to lose him. He has snap, hes 43, says hes never on it but I got someone to check and hes always still active. He says he uses it for pictures but always insists he doesnt use filters before snap was mentioned. His tiktok was literally just hundreds of women before he deleted it. Now he has a work page and im still not allowed on that and women keep appearing on it and he sent me a screenshot not long ago that one of them was a contact in his phone. He said shes an old friend but I reached out to her she says they've never met but just know eachother. It just seems like hes hiding something from me. The sexting from before was from women from all over the uk, were northern ireland. He has so many women's numbers in his phone from snapchat and tiktok including his ex that he said cheated on him. I just find it so disrespectful. He has 2 facebook "work" pages, tiktok "work" page and snapchat. He's always telling me to stay off social media because I got looking for things so i deactivated them. He's also refusing to put on his facebook that hes in a relationship

@Idontjetwashthefuckerno thats definitely not me, could you post the link for that so I can have a read through please? I actually have shivers now. I only downloaded this yesterday

@Fourfurrymonstersi know your right in what your saying. The last thing I want is my daughter thinking that any of this is normal. Im going to block him on whatsapp and calls, thank you

Never mind WhatsApp and calls, block him on EVERYTHING. But first, send him a text to say “this relationship is no longer working for me. We are done. Please don’t contact me again”. And mean it!
You can do this!

I dont have him on anything else, only there, he has me blocked on all his socials. Yes im going to because now I know im not all these things hes said I am. Hes gaslit and manipulated me so much. Thank you 💖

I knpw you can't block him on anything you're already blocked on but be aware that, once he realises you've blocked him, you're likely to become.veey quickly unblocked on their channels.

I won't say don't read anything he sends you (becaise I wpuld!) But don't reply and block.immedoately.

He'll either go down the apologetic, I love you route or the you're crazy and he's better off without you route.

Both are bollocks. So block him on those then. Don't engage.

@GreyCarpeti honestly dont think he will. He doesnt want me seeing anything thats on there. He's never apologised for anything ever so it will be latter

Please leave this man immediately. The situation is not going to get better, only worse.

If not then, great! 👍

Ideal outcome 😉

Lets play devils advocate for a moment. Lets say he's being honest, he's doing nothing untoward, it's all in your head, he really has got you blocked on all this stuff because you're obsessed, he's actually being entirely monogamous.

Even if all that were true, then you're still not happy. You still don't trust him. So why are you with him?

I mean, he's obviously lying, but at this point you wouldn't be happy in this relationship whether he was honest or not. So why are you still in it?

@VimesandhisCardboardBootstheres nothing more i want than to be able to trust him but with everything ive said how can I? I never thought in a million years id ever end up in another relationship again let alone one thats playing out like this, its breaking me. I want to be happy and for this to work more than anything. I dont want to be a failure, I imagined spending the rest of my life with this man. It took me a long time to allow him into it, I just didnt wana give up on it

OP - here’s the thing. What this…”man” is, is a 43-yo who has the mentality of 15 (and actually, from the 15-yo boys I know, that’s doing them a disservice), has fathered various children who he doesn’t have contact with (and that’s of course always the ex’s fault, right? Never his, of course) and wants to cling on to his “lad” status while he wants you to shut up and go quietly back into your box, never question him on anything, and provide a willing hole for his cock a few nights a week (I’m sorry, but it’s true). What you want, is a true partner who loves and respects you and who treats you like you deserve to be treated. What he wants and what you want are so far apart that it’s not even funny. And what’s even sadder is that this is a relatively new relationship of a year where you should still be somewhat in the honeymoon stage. Instead of which you’re desperately trying to find something to salvage in this absolute train wreck of a “relationship”. Ask yourself “does this relationship make me happy?” And I don’t mean “well if I change or he changes we could be happy” I mean in the here and now. And you know it doesn’t, so get rid.

Please @Cheekychopz12 split
up with this person. They are so bad for you & your DD, in so many ways. Just end it, you are strong enough and you are certainly better than this person deserves.
Hugs 🤗

You can't, that's my point.

Even if they way he's behaving right now is on the up-and-up (which it isn't), you don't trust him. All his actions up to this point have destroyed your trust in him.

So there's no point stressing about what he's doing right now. There's no point, the outcome is clear either way. You are never going to be happy with this man, so may as well just rip the plaster off now and dump him

I would get a restraining order against him. Job done.

No you DON'T want it to work. He's abusive for God's sake. You can't change an abuser so why do you want it to work? You mentioned counselling. I think that's a good idea to help you unpack why you cling to the idea of fixing men.

OP you are a booty call. You are not in a relationship with him: you don’t know his friends, you don’t go out together, he doesn’t want you to know anything about his movements or activities when you are not together. Your lives are not enmeshed in any way that would be normal in a long term romantic relationship.

Please do some work on your self esteem and realise you and your daughter deserve better than this.

When you’ve tried to break up with him, what did you say? I imagine it’s things like ‘You’ve lied/hurt me’ etc, which he can argue the toss about. I’d suggest changing your language to something like ‘I want to end the relationship because I’m not happy’. That way you take control. It doesn’t matter what he says. He can’t argue against your feelings. I would suggest doing it by text (so he can’t overpower you face-to-face) and then you need to block him everywhere. Get a Ring doorbell if you can so you can see if it’s him at the door.
Remember being single is FAR BETTER than being in an awful relationship that makes you question your own sanity!

@FourfurrymonstersI've said this to him that he behaves like a child. See I've shut up most of our relationship and now he doesnt like that im calling it out as I see it. I have said im not happy but again its all in my head and im doing this to myself. The fact I know he can be a good partner as his sister said he did everything for his ex, they lived together etc but hes purposely chasing not to with me. Your right he has pushed and pushed and knows he'll keep getting away with it, i should have ran way back when I got the sexts sent to me. I really am such a fool. Im so glad ive posted this because it validates my feelings. I was just scared incase everyone thought I was imagining it and I ended up losing a good person with my own insecurities

@CleanSkini know im going to, do you think I should wait for him to contact me or just go ahead and whatsapp him then block? Thank you so much 💖

@VimesandhisCardboardBootsthank you for this. Any time I block him i feel like i can actually breathe again. Im sure I sound awful and like I dont love him but I just dont like the person thats unfolded. I dont hate him but now I wish I did. Its so unfair on me and my daughter. Playing games at this age its sick

@AuntyVibesi think thats a bit ott but thank you for the advice, im going to end things with him

@HelenSkeletonno your right, he is. Yes I've tried councilling after he told me I needed meds for my behaviour, they chilled me for a while and stopped the thoughts but then I stopped them as I knew exactly what he was doing going down that route. Councilling didnt help at all, suggested couples councilling but he said no after initially agreeing to it. This is the thing he says if we sit down with people from outside our relationship they woukd all agree with him. This is why I've posted on here. Ive never done this before but was interested in what other people really thought

@VanCleefArpelsyou've hit the nail on the head with every single thing you have just said. He wants his cake and eat it, for me to just shut up and play housewife while hes doing what hes doing. Im going to thank you so much

@INeedAnotherAlibiyes ive told him im not happy when ive tried to end things before, he says its my own behaviour making me unhappy. That i need to get out more and stop worrying about what hes up to all the time. I have a ring doorbell. Your right there its really not worth it what so ever thank you

That’s great news!
Don’t wait for him, just get it done - it’s your decision and you are in control now!
Live your life with strength and clarity, including the message to him that you have no room in your life for him any more, as of now.
Then concentrate on having the most wonderful, gentle, loving time with your DD - the future for the two of you is so rosy, so precious.