Advise needed please

[Cheekychopz12]

Need some advise please
With my partner just over 1 year, don't live together thats not an issue. Few months into seeing eachother something came up on his phone which showed he had been in contact online with other women. I played detective and was sent screenshots of him sexting multiple women telling them he was single single and not seeing anyone. He said we wern't together in that way and it was non of my business which I understand but we had got so close, together all the time. He said if we were in a proper relationship things would be different, delete his social media, change numbers etc, which I didnt ask for and he hasn't done. He blocked me on all his social media back then and still won't allow me on it even though were together "properly" now. His phone is always either in his hand or his pocket, never sets it down, brings it to the toilet with him. Am I in the wrong for thinking something isn't right? Theres so much more that doesn't add up but im always made to feel like im the problem. Theres so much more, but he says hes sick of my constantly accusing him. I just cant shake the gut feeling ive had its making me so unwell but I idolise him and dont want to lose him. He has snap, hes 43, says hes never on it but I got someone to check and hes always still active. He says he uses it for pictures but always insists he doesnt use filters before snap was mentioned. His tiktok was literally just hundreds of women before he deleted it. Now he has a work page and im still not allowed on that and women keep appearing on it and he sent me a screenshot not long ago that one of them was a contact in his phone. He said shes an old friend but I reached out to her she says they've never met but just know eachother. It just seems like hes hiding something from me. The sexting from before was from women from all over the uk, were northern ireland. He has so many women's numbers in his phone from snapchat and tiktok including his ex that he said cheated on him. I just find it so disrespectful. He has 2 facebook "work" pages, tiktok "work" page and snapchat. He's always telling me to stay off social media because I got looking for things so i deactivated them. He's also refusing to put on his facebook that hes in a relationship

@HelenSkeletonhe added me on tiktok almost 3 years ago. I didnt accept him for a few weeks. Then we started talking every single day sending tiktok videos etc. Moved over to snapchat then whatsapp. He told me id be his next girlfriend and his wife. I didnt meet him until a year and a half of talking even though he lives 10 minutes away. I was single 4 years before him. Had no interest at all in anyone. I was in 2 long terms relationships with my kids dad's that were traumatic. He knows all about my history etc and says this is all in my head because of that. Ive blocked him so many times, he always manages to get back in. He is a decent fella in every other way hed work around the clock, this is the thing he always ends up making me feel guilty for calling him out, that ive nothing better to do hes just out working but somethings not right. Ill never find anyone like him, that non of his exes say this about him. I messaged his ex back in may asked was she his ex that id heard something. Then messaged her back to say it was the wrong person and apologised. A few days later he sent me a whatsapp picture of them both saying merry christmas you filthy animal x. Then deleted it straight away. She'd got in touch with him about me messaging him and he sent it to me by mistake. Next thing she blocked me. He's still got her number, found an old framed picture of her and her family in his house 2 weeks ago. Said he hadn't been in that cupboard in a long time but sent me pictures of pillows in it months ago and the picture wasnt where it was when I found it. Said it had never been up on his wall but they were finished in 2022 lol this is the ex he told me cheated on him lol

I really do appreciate every single one of you replying back to me and giving me advice. I dont have anyone else to talk to about it all so im sorry for going on a bit

@Viviennemaryyea ive said this to him its like hes stringing me along telling me what I want to hear and doing the opposite, its the disrespect 😪

Fuck me, why are you with this arsehole? Seriously, have some self respect and ditch him

I understand this.

And it's really hard to step away when you feel like you're just going to be confirming all the bad things he's said about you without having had chance for people to see The Truth or give your side of the story.

In my experience, though, those feelings lessen considerably once you're out of the situation.

You realise that you don't actually care what other people think of you.

Those people are only in your life in the first place because of him - who cares what they think?

You're not a true or real person in their eyes, you're just Bob's Girlfriend and they will create whatever narrative around you suits them.

They know what he is like and what he's doing but they're the sort of men who think the.problem lies with women just not realising that's what all men are like. It's what men do, innit?

If you end it block and delete him and eveeyone asociated with him, I can pretty much guarantee that, by next weekend, you'll not give a single shiny shit what he or his friends think of you. The world will be clearer and you'll likely wonder whatever possessed you to ever think otherwise.

At the moment, you're caught in a spiral of wanting to prove you're not who he says you are, that there are things other people aren't seeing and if they knew the truth, they'd see it differently. When the reality is that they don't actually care. Not about you. Not about whether you're crazy or not. Not about whether he's treating you badly. They've got their misogynistic drama fodder and that's all they care about. You need to step out of the spiral.

Basically, OP, he is only treating you this way because you allow him to.

That doesn't mean you can change him or maoe him stop. It doesn't mean explaining or talking or getting him to see it from your perspective because he already can. It's a choice not to and all the pushing and pulling and mind games is entertaining for him. Men like this just want to see how much you'll put up with - just how badly yhryw can treat you and you'll still come back for more. The lack of self respect is amusing to them.

So, it means that if you don't like it, you dump him and walk away. If you're not there, he can't do this to you and you've taken back the power.

He's treating you like shit and you just need to end it.

@GreyCarpetthe thing is im going by what hes telling me. I've only ever met 1 of his friends are few weeks ago and it was only for about 10 minutes while my partner was trying to fix my car in his friends yard. I've never met any of the rest of them or have any contact. His friends dont know any of this at all or what hes like. He's narcissistic and has to look good to everyone else. I think its an ego thing. Hard working man as he always says. Not doing anything wrong etc. This is all online with women from all over the uk. Were in belfast but I have feelings that its so much more than that. He would never disclose to his friends exactly what he does. He makes out hes never had an interest in women and was single from 2022 from he split with his ex. He says even when he was single he wasnt doing what im accusing him of. But everything ive said here says otherwise. He's told me hes said to certain friends that he doesnt know weather its my past or not why im like this which hurts my heart so much. Im not a bad person, im just hurting with it all

Listen to yourself “I’m the shell of the person I used to be”. Do you think this is how a relationship should make you feel?
You do need counselling - but only to let you process how low your standards are for a relationship.
This man is absolutely toxic and is not good for you. Throw him in the bin. Only you can get yourself out of this. But I suspect you won’t and you’ll be back here in a year complaining, pregnant and even more trapped and unhappy with this prince.

@GreyCarpetthank you for this honestly. Ive repeatedly said to him that hes the one with issues, around women, around social media. Its like talking to a brick wall. Your 100% right in everything that you've said, it goes round in circles and he will never change. His sister told me he did absolutely everything for his ex, they lived together he did all the cooking and cleaning took her out for meals etc. I don't get any of that from him and he said he would never live with another woman again, hes bought his mum and dad's family home after they passed. I guess I've just been praying that things would change. He tells me im an amazing person that he can't fault me in any way at all only this side to me, the accusing. That if I changed then things would be different

Fucking hell OP, this one just sounds worse and worse 🤮 He’s 43 ffs! He’s vile. Seriously.

@Fourfurrymonstersno I dont at all. Thank you for this. Your right I do need help. I was never like this before. I definitely won't end up pregnant, thats not something I want or need, I have 3 amazing kids. He has 3 and grandkids, but not much contact with the older 2 and doesnt see the grandkids so its definitely not on the cards. I know its my own fault for allowing it, im trying so hard to be the person I was before and stay strong but as I've said he gets into my head. He could charm the leg off a table. After reading through all this though its helped me see that im not the problem here and I need to walk away

@Fourfurrymonstersexactly and still has snapchat etc. But im blocked on all his social media

Im not a bad person, im just hurting with it all

No one here thinks you are a bad person! And, of course your hurting with it all.

If these people aren't even in your life, it should matter even less what he.says to them.

You know it's not in your head. We can see it's not in your head.

What is stopping you from ending it? And I mean really stopping you? Don't say it's because you love him because a) love isn't enough. That's the very least a relationship needs to flourish. Beyond that there's kindness, respect, shared values, commitment, friendship... and b) It's unlikely that what you are feeling is love.

Basically, he is treating you badly. He's clearly not a man you want to be in a relationship with. You don't trust him and you don't appear to like him very much (understandably!) So what is stopping you from ending it?

Get rid of this loathsome creature. You dont need him in your life. You owe him nothing. He's shown you time and time again who he is.

He won't change and you'll just be miserable. He's vile, making you think and feel like there's someting wrong with you.

@GreyCarpethe's got in my head that much. Im going to end up a very lonely person, never meet anyone else like him. I do love him but I dont like the constant lies and gaslighting that I know is happening and he says its all me. Honestly I just dont know why I've let it go on this long. Its just mind games and manipulation but your right love alone shouldn't be the reason im staying. I actually sound pathetic now im sorry

@Itiswhysofewthe fact that every single person here has agreed with everything I've said here, even me constantly accusing him, makes me realise that I dont need him and my gut has been right. He's constantly telling me im not normal for thinking the way I do hes just run me down that much that I started to believe him

When I was younger there was an expression that women get married hoping that he'll change and men go into a marriage hoping that she'll never change. It's not something I've seen in recent years.

How many threads have you read by women who thought he'd change once children came along? Hoped he'd grow up and change? Thought he'd realise the error of his ways and change?

There are countless. I don't know why women do it, tbh! How it is such a widespread phenomenon. But there it is.

He won't change. No one really changes and certainly not by his age. I'm 51. I'm not going to change who I am. Are you? Probably not!

You have no idea what his relationship with his ex was like. And you have no idea what his sister tells other people about his relationship with you. As you say, he only wants people to think well of him. She may be telling others similar things about your relationship. It wouldn't make it true.

But the real point is that none of that matters. He says, she says - it's all nonsense. The only thing you need to pay attention to is what is actually happening in your life and your relationship and how it makes you feel right now.

I would hope you never meet anyone else like him!

He sounds horrible!

So what if you never meet anyone else?

I was separated from my husband at 37. I spent 10 years single and raising my children alone. I dated a bit, had friends, hobbies etc. And, at 46, I met someone through a hobby.

You don't sound pathetic. You sound like you need to get put for a walk, sit in the woods, take yourself out for lunch, go to a gig, read a book in a pub, whatever floats your boat and whatever you need to feel the peace and be able.to think about what you actually want your life to look like.

If you ended it today, you'd have time to adjust before Christmas.

Followed by a lovely peaceful Christmas with out worrying about where he is or what he's doing.

And enter 2026 ready for an awesome new year.

You don't need any man. You certainly don’t need a piece of shit like him!

@GreyCarpetI've never posted on any threads before, I only downloaded this yesterday but I get what your saying completely. Im 36 and just needed other peoples perspective on it all. To make sure im not the crazy person he says. Everyone of these comments have been an eye opener to say the least but deep down I knew it all anyway. I had a really bad childhood, 2 failed long term relationships with my kids dad's, I wasn't wanting or needing anything else, especially not this. My dad died through suicide 13 years ago he was the only person in the world who got me. My partners dad died the same way. We got on brilliant the first year and half of talking before we met. The first few months after that were also great up until I was sent the sexting. It broke me. Even though we wernt together properly I allowed him into my life and my home. Around my kids etc. Thought I could trust him. My kids had never seen me with another man. Your right hes never gona change and hes kept ingredients pushing the boundaries knowing I'll just accept it, theres definitely a trauma bond and it needs cut

Your right I never have needed anyone other than myself. Even with my kids dad's I did it all on my own. My we daughter is 9 and adores him they would voicenote etc but even yesterday she sent him a picture and he didnt reply to her. Its all just a mess and so unfair

I’m sorry, but if he’s serious about his relationship, he would not block you. As for going to Lisbon for a skip deal, when you’ve found out a girl he’s had contact with lives there.

Are you the same poster who's enmeshed with the guy who likes Vietnamese women because it reads scarily similar. He treats her like shit and she's still clinging on

You have a young impressionable daughter and whether you realise it or not, you’re currently modelling to her that it’s normal for women to be treated like utter shit by men. She’s going to follow this same pattern if you don’t smarten up. He’s currently being deeply unpleasant to you in many ways, and you’re spending your free time chasing him down and worrying about what he’s up to with other women. This is not a relationship model I’d ever want to pass on to my kids. If you can’t be strong and end this for yourself, do it for her.

@Lennonjinglesyes im blocked on all his socials. Said hes nothing to hide but because I keep snooping im better off staying off them. Refuses to put on his work facebook hes in a relationship, recently hid all his likes turned his active status off, his friendslist private, I made a fake facebook a few months ago and called him out on it recently. Yes he went to lisburn yesterday. I dont know if he's had contact with her as she won't accept my favebook friend request, theres a few pictures of us on it that i wont take down and have them set to public so shell have seen them. And my message won't go through i think shes restricted me. She appeared on his work tiktok last week, I tried adding her on his old tiktok work page and she won't accept that either