DH's porn habit is destroying my confidence

[OchreSheep]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, 2 DC aged 5 and 7. Generally happy, we have ups and downs like any relationship and I do feel there's a misbalance within the household with chores and general day-to-day "life admin" stuff falling on me, despite us both working FT. He's also doing a part-time MBA which is crippling us, he's hiding away all evening and most of the weekends to do his work and I subsequently feel lonely but I do understand why he's doing it for the financial security afterwards. He has a MSc already and is successful at work salary wise but his work agreed to pay for this so he understandably leapt at the chance. That's the background.

Around 3-4 years ago, he was noticably struggling to ejaculate and I became concerned about this. I was worried, in a small way, that either he was cheating or no longer found me attractive so I confronted him. He was very open and honest and admitted to having a porn habit. He said it started when he was a young teen and he wasn't really sure why he did it, it was a habit he hadn't been able to break and that he generally did it to alleviate tension and stress. I was quite upset, explained my thoughts on the porn industry (concerned about trafficking, sexual exploitation, underage women on there etc) and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery. It was an incredibly open conversation and he said he would work really hard to stop using it.

I admittedly haven't thought much about it since. It's been a hectic few years for various reasons and I haven't given it much headspace. The "death grip" alleviated after our chat too so I figured he really had been working at it and thought no more of it. Last night we were scrolling through youtube together on his phone and the ads on his homescreen were incredibly sexual in nature- scantily clad women and sexual games. I know these ads are based on cookies, mine are currently for Christmas lights for example because I've been searching for some so I gathered he must have been accessing adult content and asked. He said he never stopped accessing porn but that it's "every other day" now. I asked how he was doing this with the new government age restrictions knowing he wouldn't be putting personal details in there, he said he uses a VPN...

I think the VPN factor has added another layer, he's gone to that extra effort to access this content. It goes beyond this though for me because it's naturally resurfaced those feelings of inadequacy. I admit we haven't been having sex as regularly as we perhaps should recently, we're both worn out with our careers and DC and with him disappearing into another room all evening, I don't really feel like jumping on him when he resurfaces. I don't have an issue with masturbation but don't see why he can't use his imagination, the porn is my issue. I suppose my overall question is what I can or should do about this? Am I right to have these feelings or should I get over myself and accept most adult men do this?

This sounds really tough and your feelings are more than valid. Honestly, I don't think most adult men do this. I'm sorry I haven't got much helpful to say other than in your situation I'd be considering ending the marriage I think - it'd be a huge dealbreaker for me.

I am sorry you're going through this - you don't deserve it.

Hard to advise as you have a whole life together. Would he stop if you drew a hard line? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him to stop but then you will be faced with the choice to let him trample your boundaries or leave if he won’t stop.

He has already trampled the boundaries once when I set them a few years ago and I think this is why I feel so hurt. The fact he has gone to the extent of using a VPN to access it has furthered the hurt for me, that he's gone to that extra level to access it when he knows how I feel about it.

It's the overall deception I guess, although he knows I would have reacted like this had he told me at any point. I feel like if he'd come to me openly and expressed that he felt like he maybe had an issue and was struggling to stop using it, I would have had more empathy and understanding though.

99.9% of men wank to porn. Anyone who thinks otherwise knows nothing about men!

But where were these sexual adverts appearing? On YouTube?

I didn't realise the cookies still get tracked even if you use VPN but apparently they can do.

It was on the main homepage whilst scrolling down the list of videos. Mine are really banal things like Christmas lights or audiobooks, his were women in lingerie and those weird sexual games you can download. I did ask if there was anything else to it beyond porn e.g OF, Cam sites etc but he said it's just pornhub via a VPN.

It’s pretty grim. I know people say all men do this, but that’s why many women find many men to be grim! It would depend for me on whether he wants to cut this out or not, and whether he cares about how exploitative it is. If you have a daughter would he be happy for her to work in the industry? I’d imagine since it sounds a big issue for him that therapy may be useful if he’s serious about changing his ways.

I mean if you knew there was an issue 3-4 years ago, why didn’t you leave then? This would repulse me! I think you deserve better too I absolutely wouldn’t put up with this and it amazes me what people consider as “ok” there’s afew threads I just think “have some respect for yourself and get rid of this person” - why do people feel the need to stay with people like this?

I guess because he recognised it was an issue for me, was incredibly frank about it which I respected and said he would work hard to stop it. I haven't noticed any issues sexually since (I only realised at that point because of the death grip) and so I figured he'd got to grips with it. Actually didn't think too much about it because we've been so busy and it hasn't crossed my mind. Seeing those ads made me realise he hasn't stopped and has dragged it all back up to the surface.

I feel a little silly ending a decade long relationship with young DC over porn use, if most men do this? I'm not sure if I'm the odd one for expecting him not to.

Not all men use porn. Men who do also have problems with intimacy.

Do not stay with him either because of the children or for a lifestyle you want to maintain. He’s already trampled over your boundaries once and will do so again.

Is really doing his mba work or is he watching porn

He's definitely doing his work in the evenings, his door is open and I know he has a lot to catch up on right now with five deadlines falling around the same time. He did admit to watching porn when he woke up very early a couple of days ago to do his work though.

To be honest I think your feelings are valid but I also do agree that most men have experience with seeking such material out.

I think it’s a sign that you’re incompatible, however it’s more likely that other men you meet would behave similarly as opposed to being abstinent from this kind of thing. It’s so normalised in today’s culture.

Oh just to add, I don’t think you’re being silly. Your views are valid.

My overall point was more that, it would be rarer to find a guy who sees your point of view, not that you shouldn’t have your point of view.

One thing I will say is I have a Facebook account with no friends which is a dummy account to operate my business page and Facebook obviously assumes that I must be a man because the feed is often sexualised stuff which wouldn't come up if it thought I was a woman.
Same with Youtube if I'm not logged in. It shocked me to see what men get fed even if they aren't watching porn.
I don't watch porn by the way so it's not coming from me, it's just there.

I'm not surprised your DH viewing makes you feel shit OP, it would me too. It's like death by a thousand cuts.

Honestly, most adult men look at porn. I wouldn't end a marriage over just that. I think having a weak sex life is more problematic: but you shouldn't make a big deal over the porn, it is controlling to try to police what another adult does when masturbating. The way you describe it is almost as iif it is equivalent to cheating, which it isn't at all IMO. I think that when his course is finished, you should look into rejigging the tasks in your house and also hiring outside help, to free you up.

I sadly, cynically think most men use porn. To varying degrees. Online life is so saturated by it & it’s just so readily available, I don’t think they can resist it. It’s all too easy. Too easy to conceal. Too easy to be doing whether it’s watching it or participating in paid for services online. I despair really. I think porn addiction is a major issue. I think because men & women (in general) feel so differently about it, women overestimate how much men can & should be able to switch off from it, because we’re not as visually stimulated or as built to basically objectify bodies sexually. And we believe that they care or can relate to how inadequate it makes us feel. I’m talking in general terms obviously. I don’t sympathise with men but I do think the unlimited supply & easy access to it means their appetite for it has become completely messed up & like all social media - it can become addictive.

How we fix it or address it in a relationship is just a question I’ve never been able to fathom. I’d feel the same that him using a VPN feels like a much more serious boundary being crossed, when in reality I now think it’s purely a technical adjustment they’re pretty much all doing to maintain access to something they’ve been doing albeit covertly & maybe very quickly, for years.

I think a lot of women will disagree with this viewpoint & swear blind their DH or DP is not like that. I’m just too cynical. I don’t think all men are addicted or even watch it daily, but I do think most men do in some caoacity - more so since the internet & it become all too readily available.

Look. You can either have a man who uses porn and is honest about it. Or you can leave, and get with another man who hides it better.

Those are your basic choices. Sure you might get fantastically lucky and find the one man in 1000 who doesn't use porn, but you'll probably find he's got significant other defects... Like not actually being interested in sex.

My personal feeling is that unless your partner's masturbation habits are impacting their sex life with you, nobody has the right to police how anybody else wanks.

I don't believe all men use porn, not in my experience which is substantial, although some certainly do, porn use tends to be tied towards the general attitude towards women that the man has. For your DH it sounds like he's thoroughly addicted to it as he's seeking it out every other day. If he isn't motivated to get counselling you are signing up to be with a man who has porn on the brain every other day for the rest of your life... I think it's a pretty big deal, not something I would want to live with personally. Do you have daughters?

I really think you’re wrong about that percentage

No, two boys. I have expressed my feelings about the ethicality of porn to him in the past so he's more than aware but has continued to access it. I agree I have no right to police him masturbating and don't care about this but the porn is problematic for me. I think if he really wanted to stop, he'd just leave his phone on charge when he went in the shower. Maybe I don't understand how powerful the "addiction" is though...

Agreed. Always dubious about how honest men are in these surveys but it's apparently closer to 13% on a regular basis so one in ten ish.

I used to be okay with porn. Then I learned how it has changed, and can see the negative way it is affecting women. Now it would be a hard line for me in a relationship. I could not be with any man who wanked off to women being coerced, abused and raped. I would rather be single.

Men think it is acceptable because society tells them everyone is doing it so it must be okay.

It won’t become ‘not okay’ unless we speak up. As usual it’s women who are going to have to do the heavy lifting on this one.

That is a random figure you have plucked out of thin air to try and convince women they just have to put up with men using porn because it is inevitable.

Not all men use porn and nowhere near the number you haveuquoted use porn.

Women don't have to put up with porn in their relationships: they can't stop their partner or spouse using porn but they can chose to end a relationship with someone who does.

Actually I think that porn use just highlights the difference in masturbation need & frequency between men & women - in general. I remember being disappointed when I realised my DP of the time spent longer in the shower than me every a.m & then realised why. I don’t think we fundamentally understand the biological differences between us & for men daily masturbation is more of a physical need/release than it might be for women. Hence why porn prob exists in the first place. It’s catering to that need. I’m not condoning the porn industry btw & find it another element of sexual politics in relationships that is impossible to fathom. Makes me think ignorance is bliss. Like a pp said - I don’t think partners should police someone else’s private sexual life. But if it interferes in the relationship or that person’s daily life then there is a problem.

OchreSheep,
Take a look at yourbrainonporn website. It's very interesting and explains so much about why Internet porn use can become so intrusive and also addictive. It's all to do with dopamine response to constant novelty. And why this is quite different to old school porn like mags etc. There is a book as well. It's not judgemental but shines a light on things I think.