DH's porn habit is destroying my confidence

[OchreSheep]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, 2 DC aged 5 and 7. Generally happy, we have ups and downs like any relationship and I do feel there's a misbalance within the household with chores and general day-to-day "life admin" stuff falling on me, despite us both working FT. He's also doing a part-time MBA which is crippling us, he's hiding away all evening and most of the weekends to do his work and I subsequently feel lonely but I do understand why he's doing it for the financial security afterwards. He has a MSc already and is successful at work salary wise but his work agreed to pay for this so he understandably leapt at the chance. That's the background.

Around 3-4 years ago, he was noticably struggling to ejaculate and I became concerned about this. I was worried, in a small way, that either he was cheating or no longer found me attractive so I confronted him. He was very open and honest and admitted to having a porn habit. He said it started when he was a young teen and he wasn't really sure why he did it, it was a habit he hadn't been able to break and that he generally did it to alleviate tension and stress. I was quite upset, explained my thoughts on the porn industry (concerned about trafficking, sexual exploitation, underage women on there etc) and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery. It was an incredibly open conversation and he said he would work really hard to stop using it.

I admittedly haven't thought much about it since. It's been a hectic few years for various reasons and I haven't given it much headspace. The "death grip" alleviated after our chat too so I figured he really had been working at it and thought no more of it. Last night we were scrolling through youtube together on his phone and the ads on his homescreen were incredibly sexual in nature- scantily clad women and sexual games. I know these ads are based on cookies, mine are currently for Christmas lights for example because I've been searching for some so I gathered he must have been accessing adult content and asked. He said he never stopped accessing porn but that it's "every other day" now. I asked how he was doing this with the new government age restrictions knowing he wouldn't be putting personal details in there, he said he uses a VPN...

I think the VPN factor has added another layer, he's gone to that extra effort to access this content. It goes beyond this though for me because it's naturally resurfaced those feelings of inadequacy. I admit we haven't been having sex as regularly as we perhaps should recently, we're both worn out with our careers and DC and with him disappearing into another room all evening, I don't really feel like jumping on him when he resurfaces. I don't have an issue with masturbation but don't see why he can't use his imagination, the porn is my issue. I suppose my overall question is what I can or should do about this? Am I right to have these feelings or should I get over myself and accept most adult men do this?

This. Over and over again.

Swap the word porn for gambling. One drains money, the other drains more

Yes you both sound like you’re addicted.

This. Not all men use porn

Why?
I'm not bothered by my usage - and neither is my husband - so don't want or need to cut down.
That's like saying I'm addicted to chocolate because I have a Galaxy every couple of days. If eating the Galaxy doesn't bother me and my weight's healthy, who cares?

Totally agree

Would be interesting to see if you both could take a break for 130 days and then discuss what you both found it like what you noticed? Can really aid intimacy for couples and if you don't need pornography then it's easy to do. Couples often find their orgasms are much stronger without and there is a shift in focus.

My husband and I experimented with sexually focusing on just us together so no solo alone masturbation. It's one we've kept because it was like re igniting that fizzing sexual chemistry of when we first met. It's been great for us. All a choice obviously.

My orgasms are very intense thanks.
We've been together 20 years and have an amazing sex life that we both love.
We've got no issues at all with intimacy. That's part of why we both know we watch porn - we're fully open with one another.

Yeah who cares about the trafficked or raped women eh?

Have at it!

NC for this.

I watch porn , so does my DP, we are both very open about it and it absolutely does not effect our sexual intimacy with each other.

If either of us found it an issue I’m sure we would stop. We see each other 4 times a week, usually Friday to Tuesday and porn is generally off the table during this period as there is no need for it.

rest of the time, we both ‘sort ourselves out’ - sometimes more than once a day.

people talk about exploitation etc, and i’m not saying this doesn’t happen, but in the thousands of porn productions produced a month it’s a minority, especially with the bigger mainstream companies.

I bet many on here wear designer clothing, clothes from primark or cotton clothing, all of which are notorious for slave labour in appalling working conditions with children as young as 12. That doesn’t stop people buying and wearing said clothing.

Men find it much more difficult to visualise to get stimulated, women can use a vibrator , porn is readily available so it’s an easy option. It doesn’t mean the viewer doesn’t find their partner unattractive, nor does it, at least in my case , mean I don’t want sex with my partner. A solo orgasm is very different to real life sex.

If I watch a video, and the women look under 25 I don’t watch it. Nor do I watch European porn where exploitation and under age participants are more common. I don’t watch the same type of porn , it’s a very mixed bag so I don’t fall into the trap of finding real life sex difficult.

couples with very active sex lifes will rarely fall into porn addiction. When sex comes off the table, men especially, find a way to ‘relax’ aka porn. Men who do not watch porn don’t watch it because they don’t need to watch it. Either because they have sex. It’s days or they have a low libido. The average single male will watch porn often IMO. A happily married man with regular real life sex won’t.

And who cares about the child labour and pilaged African precious metals involved in making the phones we're all using, eh?

Does one wrong make the other ok?

Fair enough.

No idea. You tell me.

A healthy sex life doesn't prevent addiction. That's not how addiction works.

I (F) watched for a short time last year, feeling randy and demented after stopping the pill. I mean yeah my body responded for sure. It was only pornhub, no taste or what to look at. Very mainstream. I stopped pretty quick as it was so so dark.

All the violence, choking, spitting etc. Plus most seemed incest themed (what is being skirted around here)or financial exploitation themed. "Nice" girls who are desperate, single mothers or refugees and stuff. Taken down a peg or two.
Also all the made to look very young girls. Words like petite,skinny, small teens. With bunches and sport socks. 18 years is the most popular category. Some have birth certificates to show they have just turned 18. Again what is being skirted around.

It was mostly degradation and hateful. And this is just regular mainstream stuff.

If porn is made for mostly hetero males what window is this into the hell of the male mind? I read some feminist literature afterwards and wondered why men despised women! Seriously.

People often say they watch ethical porn. OK. I think that's like when people say they eat meat that's lovingly reared etc from smallholdings and the like. Well where's all the pepperoni pizza and ginsters coming from? That's not the bulk of it. Porn is like sausages, nobody wants to know how it's made! Cos they like it too much!

Anyways thought I'd put my experiences and obviously I was neutral and yeah now I know. I thought it was bad for my spirit and worried about the people in it and the wider effects.

A happily married man with regular real life sex won’t.

Remember ladies, you just need to put out more. You've only got yourself to blame otherwise.

Fuck sake.

I wonder how people ever had sex without porn? 🤣🤣🤣

maybe look up the statistics on line before you make claims like this. You may be surprised what you find!

I don't think it's that high, but yes, monogamy for most men isn't really monogamy.

I call it digital polyamory, on their side at least. They're ok with having one physical partner, but have no intention to stop sexual activity (masturbation) at other women in the form of photos or videos of them.

@BudgetWurzel It's got much worse in the last decade or so. It's no longer just graphic, it's all the things you've seen as well, and that seems to be the norm for most of the content, not just some fringe stuff.

I think some of the content is getting more extreme as men become desensitised, but I honestly think so much of it is simply a window into men's minds, like you say.

I think teen is the most popular category because that is what a lot of men really want, deep down. Maybe not mid-teens, but younger than 20.

And all this horrible chocking stuff is just an expression of their frustration, their anger that they can't abuse women as easily as they used to. It's their way of living out their domination fantasies.

Ask to see what he is watching and watch it together? At least you will be fully aware,

They know nothing about the men you know, and you know nothing about the men they know. Perhaps it's just the men you know that are porn addicts?

This.

This^