DH's porn habit is destroying my confidence

[OchreSheep]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, 2 DC aged 5 and 7. Generally happy, we have ups and downs like any relationship and I do feel there's a misbalance within the household with chores and general day-to-day "life admin" stuff falling on me, despite us both working FT. He's also doing a part-time MBA which is crippling us, he's hiding away all evening and most of the weekends to do his work and I subsequently feel lonely but I do understand why he's doing it for the financial security afterwards. He has a MSc already and is successful at work salary wise but his work agreed to pay for this so he understandably leapt at the chance. That's the background.

Around 3-4 years ago, he was noticably struggling to ejaculate and I became concerned about this. I was worried, in a small way, that either he was cheating or no longer found me attractive so I confronted him. He was very open and honest and admitted to having a porn habit. He said it started when he was a young teen and he wasn't really sure why he did it, it was a habit he hadn't been able to break and that he generally did it to alleviate tension and stress. I was quite upset, explained my thoughts on the porn industry (concerned about trafficking, sexual exploitation, underage women on there etc) and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery. It was an incredibly open conversation and he said he would work really hard to stop using it.

I admittedly haven't thought much about it since. It's been a hectic few years for various reasons and I haven't given it much headspace. The "death grip" alleviated after our chat too so I figured he really had been working at it and thought no more of it. Last night we were scrolling through youtube together on his phone and the ads on his homescreen were incredibly sexual in nature- scantily clad women and sexual games. I know these ads are based on cookies, mine are currently for Christmas lights for example because I've been searching for some so I gathered he must have been accessing adult content and asked. He said he never stopped accessing porn but that it's "every other day" now. I asked how he was doing this with the new government age restrictions knowing he wouldn't be putting personal details in there, he said he uses a VPN...

I think the VPN factor has added another layer, he's gone to that extra effort to access this content. It goes beyond this though for me because it's naturally resurfaced those feelings of inadequacy. I admit we haven't been having sex as regularly as we perhaps should recently, we're both worn out with our careers and DC and with him disappearing into another room all evening, I don't really feel like jumping on him when he resurfaces. I don't have an issue with masturbation but don't see why he can't use his imagination, the porn is my issue. I suppose my overall question is what I can or should do about this? Am I right to have these feelings or should I get over myself and accept most adult men do this?

I agree. I suppose the difficult thing is knowing whether they are watching it or not really. I had absolutely no idea DH was until 6 years into our relationship and it was only because he was struggling sexually that it came up. He does it in the shower which is obviously behind a locked door in the morning when no one else is around. There's just no way I could have known this. I don't snoop through his phone either and wouldn't do that but I'd imagine he's smart enough to use private browsing anyway, just as he is with the VPN.

Please don’t let this destroy your confidence. You’re not doing anything wrong and your opinions are perfectly valid. What happens next is up to you. If you can’t live with this, give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through.

I don’t think it is a need. That’s nonsense. Masturbation used to be considered morally wrong until relatively recently. Men didn’t used to habitually wank all the time. Also what about religious communities where men abstain? It’s not a ‘need’ it is a compulsion and an addiction like any other.

@WiseAdviceNeededPlease "I don't believe all men use porn, not in my experience which is substantial, although some certainly do, porn use tends to be tied towards the general attitude towards women that the man has."

I don't see how any amount of substantial experience can possibly inform you of what men do in private? Please expand on that one. The truth is that the majority of men do watch porn on some level. Do you honestly think it's only confined to misogynistic pigs, Andrew Tate followers and general low lifes? Sorry but you are either misguided or being deceived. Porn is available 24/7 at the touch of a finger on a device always on hand. It couldn't be easier or more tempting and men have always been stimulated by sexual imagery, much more so than women. Very, very few men haven't at least looked at porn on more than one occasion and (whilst for some it is a genuine addiction) for a high percentage of men it is certainly a habit.

NC.

I am F and watch porn roughly every other day. My DH knows about it and is (seemingly) not bothered. I don't do it in front of him. I watch it because I find the actual f*ing part a turn on. I don't watch it because I want to see a penis or a mans body or I fancy any of the men or I want to fantasise about any of the men or fantasise about joining in with any of them. I watch for about 5/10 mins, get my quick kick, masturbate, and then turn it off. I still want sex with my DH and only my DH. I still 'want' my DH sexually.

Just trying to give you my take on it and how I don't find my DH inadequate what so ever. I enjoy what we do together, it's enough for me but I also like masturbating too.

Heavens above; that's cynical. Or just who have you been going with Cinnamon 77?
Whatever, I'd be horrified at my husband being interested in porn, but there are page three girls and there is porn. If what he's looking at involved teenagers and children, I think I would leave him.

Thank you for explaining. Fully understand the masturbation and have no qualms about this, especially during weeks when we haven't had sex much due to lack of energy, me being on my period, illness or whatever. The porn just doesn't sit easily with me. I don't understand why imagination isn't a thing.

How do you know most men look at porn? Also, why shouldn’t she make a big deal over it? Porn is the epitome of exploitation, or are you one of these people that believes porn is a legitimate way for a woman to earn a living?

Fair enough, you are able to distinguish porn from reality and just use it as a turn on. But it is the general consensus that regular porn usage by men eventually has a detrimental effect on their sex drive. It also negatively informs their expectations of their partners and attitudes towards women in general.

Don't end your relationship over porn.

I don't like that my oh uses porn, but it's normal so I just don't think about it. It's true that most men watch it. Men are visual creatures when it comes to sex, so it's harder for them to just 'imagine'.
What's on the screen has no relation to you in any way. I can assure you, he's not comparing you to anybody on there, so you don't need to worry that you don't look like them (as mentioned in your op). And I say this as somebody who can be incredibly insecure at times.

I’m finding your argument contradictory/confusing. Are you saying masturbation is & should still be seen as “morally wrong”?

Of course men have always masturbated more than women, in private. No they didn’t used to be doing it perhaps as much as they do now because online porn & its availability has made it all too easy for them to become addicted to it at the touch of a button. It is completely distorting the way men relate sexually.

Your eg of men abstaining from masturbation for religious purposes is a bit weird! I’m sure you’re trying to say men can abstain if they want. I think you underestimate biological need & the differences between men & women. And I mean we all know how well religions that prohibit sex has worked out for the world??

You sound as though you believe masturbation is fundamentally wrong & an aberration that you can abstain from.

I would question the imagination vs porn thing. If you found a wank diary, and it was peppered with tally charts, backed by hot steam and pure imagination would you really not be as bothered? Sorry not tonight Josephine, I cracked three off in the shower while you were peeling potatoes.

I just recognise we don't always have sex as often as he would like. I'm sure he would do it most days but my drive has lowered since we had DC. Some weeks it's every other day but occasionally it won't happen at all, say for example if I'm sick or exceptionally exhausted and burnt out. Depends on the week and I understand why he'd masturbate to alleviate the desire that day or whatever. I just don't think anyone needs to watch other people having sex to achieve this.

I think it's different as real women can be treated brutally even in mainstream porn. All the slapping,spitting, hair pulling, even urinated on. This is mainstream stuff now. You can fantasise about things without them happening to real women who are often very young.

I agree with this. I think for me where it would bother me in a relationship is if they were addicted to it or overused it. If they're using porn so much that they're needing to watch more extreme porn to get turned on and can't get turned on when having sex with me, or were suggesting excessive kinky stuff because of porn, then that's when it's a big problem because they are prioritising their porn use over the relationship. When this happens, I think it's addiction and needs to be addressed properly.

I'm a realist. I have dated a few men in my time, and I think only one hasn't watched porn. It's not a big deal, people act as if it's going to be a gateway to using cam girls or strip clubs (which I would object to) It isn't. I used to watch it myself when I was younger but have lost interest.

I think it is very controlling to dictate to him how he self pleasures. Pick your battles, especially as you are the one not wanting sex (I would feel differently if he had a porn addiction which stopped him being able to sexually function: you said that it did cause issues in the past, but not so much now) Can you not just look the other way and try not to think about it?

I think a big issue here is how you view your body and your confidence levels. You don’t need to feel inferior or insecure.

He’s a grown up and if he chooses to watch porn then that is his choice. It doesn’t mean that he finds you any less attractive. My DH watches porn, I don’t have any issue with him doing that. His sex drive with me hasn’t been affected and I know he loves me and finds me as sexually attractive as he always has. I watch porn from time to time and sometimes, we watch it together.

Contrary to what other PPs have said, most men don't do this. Yes they may watch porn from time to time, but I would say most men who are in a relationship or married with a healthy sex life won't secretly watch porn every day or every other day. The fact that he is furtive about it and that it is effecting your sex life tells me that he has a big problem with it. I personally couldn't be with a man who has a porn addiction like this so it is up to you what you're willing to put up with.

and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery

You are in no way inadequate or meant to measure up to these women. Remember, his predilection predates you.
He was a porn addicted teen, so was deep into this at a time when you likely believed your body was in it's best form.
This is entirely about him, and there's a likelihood he's so deep into this addiction now he doesn't even truly 'see' the women he's viewing; so there's no comparison.
If anyone is inadequate, it's him. He has ruined his ability to have satisfactory sex with his partner.

Part of the reason he is furtive is that the OP makes such a big deal about it.

Masturbation in private is normal and fine, watching porn given it takes effort such as getting a VPN is not.

Sorry to read this OP, and that I cannot offer any practical advice as to next steps.

Because it is a big deal to me. It has affected our sex life in the past. I don't like the porn industry for reasons mentioned before. He is furtive because he knows I don't like it, and is doing it regardless.

You can't stop him from doing it, though. I don't think that you should be controlling him to this extent, and it isn't what is affecting your sex life at the moment. You should look at what actually is making your sex life suffer: the fact that you are both too busy and stressed. Do you have family that would take the kids overnight once every so often so you can have uninterupted couple time? I don't just mean sex, I also mean just time to eat and relax and chill out without kids around? I just think that if you go in all guns blazing, you will make him ashamed and furtive. It isn't as if he is cheating on you.

Watching other people having sex, or being forced to have sex, or committing rape because the woman ‘having sex’ is being forced into it isn’t ‘normal’. It’s patriarchy at its finest.