DH's porn habit is destroying my confidence

[OchreSheep]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, 2 DC aged 5 and 7. Generally happy, we have ups and downs like any relationship and I do feel there's a misbalance within the household with chores and general day-to-day "life admin" stuff falling on me, despite us both working FT. He's also doing a part-time MBA which is crippling us, he's hiding away all evening and most of the weekends to do his work and I subsequently feel lonely but I do understand why he's doing it for the financial security afterwards. He has a MSc already and is successful at work salary wise but his work agreed to pay for this so he understandably leapt at the chance. That's the background.

Around 3-4 years ago, he was noticably struggling to ejaculate and I became concerned about this. I was worried, in a small way, that either he was cheating or no longer found me attractive so I confronted him. He was very open and honest and admitted to having a porn habit. He said it started when he was a young teen and he wasn't really sure why he did it, it was a habit he hadn't been able to break and that he generally did it to alleviate tension and stress. I was quite upset, explained my thoughts on the porn industry (concerned about trafficking, sexual exploitation, underage women on there etc) and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery. It was an incredibly open conversation and he said he would work really hard to stop using it.

I admittedly haven't thought much about it since. It's been a hectic few years for various reasons and I haven't given it much headspace. The "death grip" alleviated after our chat too so I figured he really had been working at it and thought no more of it. Last night we were scrolling through youtube together on his phone and the ads on his homescreen were incredibly sexual in nature- scantily clad women and sexual games. I know these ads are based on cookies, mine are currently for Christmas lights for example because I've been searching for some so I gathered he must have been accessing adult content and asked. He said he never stopped accessing porn but that it's "every other day" now. I asked how he was doing this with the new government age restrictions knowing he wouldn't be putting personal details in there, he said he uses a VPN...

I think the VPN factor has added another layer, he's gone to that extra effort to access this content. It goes beyond this though for me because it's naturally resurfaced those feelings of inadequacy. I admit we haven't been having sex as regularly as we perhaps should recently, we're both worn out with our careers and DC and with him disappearing into another room all evening, I don't really feel like jumping on him when he resurfaces. I don't have an issue with masturbation but don't see why he can't use his imagination, the porn is my issue. I suppose my overall question is what I can or should do about this? Am I right to have these feelings or should I get over myself and accept most adult men do this?

How much effort do you think getting a VPN takes!? It's hardly an arduous process.

Please don’t listen to this, OP. He has trampled roughshod over your boundaries and shown not one iota of understanding. He’s a selfish arse.

No but it's extra effort he really didn't need to go to and to me reeks of desperation/addiction.

One in ten!? It's far, far more than that. Obviously, your boundaries are your own, but I couldn't begin to contemplate ending a marriage for this unless I believed that there was actual infidelity (of which I would count camming and anything that involved live actors or payment)

But surely boundaries that involve other peoples behaviour are for the boundary setter to enforce - e.g. I won’t stay married to a man who watches porn, not ‘you must not watch porn’ because how would you enforce that / why try to control another adult's behaviour (spoiler - you can’t). Why do my boundaries get priority over his private preferences?

It is making me question other elements of his behaviour now. I have never snooped through his phone but he has been putting it under his pillow when he sleeps rather than on charge. I asked him about this last night when I confronted him about the porn and he said it's because he's lazy and can't be bothered reaching over to charge but now I'm questioning it. He won't offer it to DC to play with anymore but does have a crack on the back so could be for the reason he mentioned- he doesn't want them to get hurt. He always tends to have it with him too but this could just be because he's usually not in the same room as me these days.

I'm probably being silly but I've stewed on it too much this afternoon with DC being out with grandparents and WFH but light workload today. Suppose all I can do is have a frank conversation this evening and see where it leads.

No. That may be your experience from the men you know, but no.

I’m totally with you on this.

No great surprise the porn industry (with trafficked women, mostly) is doing so well if so many people don’t have firm boundaries.

I can see the usual gaslighting about men and porn on this thread...

OP you are perfectly entitled to have boundaries and to object to your partner using porn.

The fact that his porn consumption is impacting on your sex life/intimacy is a good illustration as to why porn is not a harmless pastime, no matter how many people keep bleating about how ''all men watch porn''.

Not to mention the fact that some of the porn these men are watching features women who have been trafficked, women who were filmed without their consent and violent and degrading acts against women.

To suggest that all of this has no consequences is foolish and lazy in the extreme.

Porn is completely wrapping many men and teenage boys expectation of what sex should be like.

People always seem to forget that porn is an industry and its aim is to make money by getting people hooked, the industry has no interest in improving your sex life with your partner or in encouraging healthy relationships...that's not how they make their cash.

Should have added the fact he lied about it is not acceptable though and he’s in the wrong there. But if it’s not affecting your relationship there’s a limit to what you can do to stop it, you can only take control of what you accept and what you will live with.

With the Internet porn, we now have things like live cam sites, that can be interactive and feels a whole other level of finding ways of seeking a thrill. Can we also be confident that those performing on these sites are doing so of their own free will/ are over 18 etc ?

Hello op I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have lots of experience of this so please feel free to ask me anything.

Here's some resources for you.
Love after porn on reddit
Dr omar minwhallas secret sexual basement
Porn on the brain website
Pbse podcast
Helping couples heal podcast
From harm to heal podcast
Choose to be podcast
Pam blizzard
Jake porter
I could go on but that should get you in the realm of genuine answers on this and support.

Unfortunately society has completely normalised porn and you wont hear from those that have been through this. Unfortunately as we can see here many people just assume it can't be done. No ofcourse not every man wants to stop but plenty do and many women have boundaries of no pornography. You're not crazy at all for wanting that. Those are mine and my husbands boundaries in our marriage. It's wonderful. We have such wonderful intimacy together.

I'd really reccomend Chris jones therapy for your husband although ofcourse it has to be his choice.

I know many couples where the husband has stopped watching porn and their relationships are deeper. Like night and day for many. You absolutely do not have to change your boundaries because "all men do it "

That's not to say its a easy path especially if it has become compulsive or an addiction. But there are other choices out there than just accept all man do it. Should both of you want change. Or indeed just you on your own.

Wishing you all the best op.

I am not entirely sure that the assertion that most men do this is true. Most young men will I am sure have dipped a toe in the water out of curiosity, but the level of porn use here that threatens a marriage is a in a different class altogether.

He doesn't respect your valid concerns about the exploitation that is inherent in the porn industry.

Does you have a DD? Does that fact not impinge in his mind? Is this what he wants their future to be?

The only thing I'll say in a teeny defence (not excusing whay hes done) is i het ads for those weird games on youtube and i juat watch cooking shorts...they are grim though!

Porn addicts like all addicts make awful partners.

he can keep his porn or his family. Not both. Give him an ultimatum

99.9% of men don't watch porn. I imagine a high % have watched porn at some point/s in their life, but the OP describes a dependency here. The DH has a problem and a long standing one dating back years. It's like any addiction, you can't say it's normal when it's something that can't be put down. Whether it's porn, drink, drugs, sugar...if its a problem, it's a problem. The fact it bothers the OP and he still can't leave it alone is an issue. I'd feel the same OP. I'd say it needs to be treated as an addiction as you would treat say alcoholism and I'd be encouraging him to seek help for that. The longer it goes on, the more likely it will affect your marriage.

People seem to be treating men who use porn and men who have a porn addiction as the same thing. The OP's husband's porn use is seriously affecting their sex life, so he has a problem. The advice therefore can't be "almost all men use porn so there's not much you can do." If you can enforce a ban (I don't know how you would) it's probably time for an ultimatum.

And this is why I will never date again if my marriage ends. I just can't cope with the grimness of all these furtive little middle aged men wanking under the desk while their wives do the washing up. I just can't.

I don't want to share a bed with these pathetic specimens, let alone wash their grubby clothes for them or cook them dinner or listen to them bore on endlessly about their day at work when they're off as soon as they can to jerk off over pictures of teenagers in bondage gear. It's just so fucking depressing.

I think the difference between men and women is that a woman could masturbate x times per day and still be physically able to have sex. Men can’t. They develop ED or delayed ejaculation.

Their neural pathways change so that they can only become aroused by porn. Eventually they reach a point where a) they no longer want sex or b) they’re incapable of having sex.

Then as women we are expected to pretend it isn’t happening to protect their poor little egos, and ‘support’ them. God forbid we speak up about how it affects us because that’s just controlling or prudishness.

The thing is, you can't control his behaviour, the only thing you can do is be clear on your boundary around porn. And if that boundary is that you don't want to feel inadequate/grubby about the ethical side by being with someone who uses porn, they you need to actually need to follow through and not be with someone who uses porn.

I believe it's more about the deception than the actual masterbation?

OP has previously had the conversation with her partner about it and how she feels about it and he has ignored her and continued to use porn. Personally porn use is gross but it is also relatively normal but the fact he continued watching it knowing how much it upsets you then that's the deal breaker for me as it is showing lack of respect. Of course OP will feel paranoid if he will do other things such as chats or messaging people if he already feel porn isn't disrespecting you as he continues to do it despite you saying you don't want him to. He has total lack of respect for his partner and that's a deal breaker. If he gave a shit but struggled to stop then he can get professional help for it. It sounds like he doesn't want to stop.

It's grim OP - it's one thing to watch it sometimes and it's another to do it a lot and to watch the really bad stuff (which is most stuff nowadays as it has got so much more extreme). I don't think downloading a VPN is that big a deal - I did it too and it's v easy. It is most men I think yeh but doesn't make it ok

My bf watches porn a bit and I don't like it (but I do it sometimes too - shame - so can't really say anything - got addicted as a teen, am not anymore but it has messed with me, as a woman, a lot. Do also know its hard to get off) BUT it is different for men and women as it is women who are most severely impacted and harmed in the process - and who are most affected by watching it too because of that. He says he mostly watches BJs and not the violent extreme stuff and I will assume that's true and want to think about it as little as poss but yeh, it is grim.

If it affected his performance/libido it would def be a bigger issue for me as it would really affect me and show that it's messing his body and brain up significantly.

Why does it bring up issues of inadequacy for you? Does he not communicate his attraction for you a lot? And how is your sex life now?

Also yeh it would be an issue if he promised to change bit never did or never really tried.

Your feelings are justified and you don't have to get over the fact most men do this because "most" men don't - although plenty do I imagine. It does sound like an addiction but it's positive that you have a dialogue going & he takes some responsibility. He has to decide whether he wants it to take front & centre of his life or whether he is willing to put the hard work in to stop, and whether he wants to stop. It won't be easy and he needs to seek some support. A poster earlier listed some resources & I would agree that he needs to access some of those. PBSE podcasts especially good for betrayed partners too. (Ex porn addicts host that) It can be very lonely. My sister's husband had some addiction issues & it amazed me how she couldn't speak to any of her close friends about it despite having known some for years. It was very isolating for her so make sure you look after yourself too. You need to make the time to have some open honest conversations before you can make your next step.