DH's porn habit is destroying my confidence

[OchreSheep]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, 2 DC aged 5 and 7. Generally happy, we have ups and downs like any relationship and I do feel there's a misbalance within the household with chores and general day-to-day "life admin" stuff falling on me, despite us both working FT. He's also doing a part-time MBA which is crippling us, he's hiding away all evening and most of the weekends to do his work and I subsequently feel lonely but I do understand why he's doing it for the financial security afterwards. He has a MSc already and is successful at work salary wise but his work agreed to pay for this so he understandably leapt at the chance. That's the background.

Around 3-4 years ago, he was noticably struggling to ejaculate and I became concerned about this. I was worried, in a small way, that either he was cheating or no longer found me attractive so I confronted him. He was very open and honest and admitted to having a porn habit. He said it started when he was a young teen and he wasn't really sure why he did it, it was a habit he hadn't been able to break and that he generally did it to alleviate tension and stress. I was quite upset, explained my thoughts on the porn industry (concerned about trafficking, sexual exploitation, underage women on there etc) and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery. It was an incredibly open conversation and he said he would work really hard to stop using it.

I admittedly haven't thought much about it since. It's been a hectic few years for various reasons and I haven't given it much headspace. The "death grip" alleviated after our chat too so I figured he really had been working at it and thought no more of it. Last night we were scrolling through youtube together on his phone and the ads on his homescreen were incredibly sexual in nature- scantily clad women and sexual games. I know these ads are based on cookies, mine are currently for Christmas lights for example because I've been searching for some so I gathered he must have been accessing adult content and asked. He said he never stopped accessing porn but that it's "every other day" now. I asked how he was doing this with the new government age restrictions knowing he wouldn't be putting personal details in there, he said he uses a VPN...

I think the VPN factor has added another layer, he's gone to that extra effort to access this content. It goes beyond this though for me because it's naturally resurfaced those feelings of inadequacy. I admit we haven't been having sex as regularly as we perhaps should recently, we're both worn out with our careers and DC and with him disappearing into another room all evening, I don't really feel like jumping on him when he resurfaces. I don't have an issue with masturbation but don't see why he can't use his imagination, the porn is my issue. I suppose my overall question is what I can or should do about this? Am I right to have these feelings or should I get over myself and accept most adult men do this?

Also it is addictive.

Would you not be upset that to be aroused he is reliant on seeing dreadful things and that is what swilling around in his mind? That he is an addict being led by his nose into thus by greedy money-making exploitative people?

What 'dreadful things'? If he is watching illegal porn, that's a whole other story and obviously OP should leave at once. I presume that is not the case, though, or OP would have led with that.

Have a Google about porn addiction. It's a very real modern world problem. Therapy for this specific addiction is big business now.

I don't know what to say except I hope you can figure out a way to sort this out together.

Porn is such a poison in society, it does absolutely nothing for healthy relationships. Your concerns are totally valid yet the grim reality is you either endure this disrespectful (i would say misogynistic) and secretive behaviour, or end the relationship over something on the face of it 'small' or 'normal' as perceived by society. Then good luck finding a man who doesn't watch it (there definitely are but probably a minority overall). I think because facing this reality is so unpleasant, many women put their head in the sand about porn and make excuses for it. But the truth is facing it is the only way things get better for women out of this terrible low standard for men's behaviour.

If I were you I would give him one chance to recognise his addiction and tell him the lying and porn use are over if he wants to keep the relationship, and he needs to get professional help. Having completely open access to his phone, Internet history, all accounts etc is necessary to show his commitment to quitting and to regaining your trust. He has to want to do this though. If he doesn't I think you know the answer. I'm sure there is a book called 'He chose porn over me'. V depressing, I'm sorry OP but you are not alone.

Even ordinary young man watching legal porn are now strangling, hair pulling, slapping and buggering their girlfriends. They are watching legal porn that uses looks like under age. Rape - the woman saying no countless times then giving in. Group sex. Unrealistic expectation of bodies.

Women being abused even by being in the films.

It all escalates too get the same effect.

From gov.uk
Unlike child sexual abuse material, there is little proactive regulation of extreme pornography, meaning that users may be able to access unlawful material on legal porn sites. Current research at Durham University has found content on the landing pages of the top three porn sites in the UK that could be classified as extreme pornography, as well as content that is in clear contravention of the sites own terms and conditions.[footnote 8] This means that users in England and Wales who do not know the law on pornography may be unaware they are accessing illegal material.

Gov.uk

Research and analysis published 2021
The relationship between pornography use and harmful sexual behaviours
www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-relationship-between-pornography-use-and-harmful-sexual-behaviours/the-relationship-between-pornography-use-and-harmful-sexual-behaviours

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, it must be really tiring and saddening.

I just wanted to tell you that my DP of 14 years doesn't use porn and men who feel the same are out there. Maybe your DH could change if it's that important to you - I bet he'd be happier if he weren't addicted to watching this stuff. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who uses porn, and you can set that boundary too.

I object to it ethically and I do feel like wanking to videos of other people is kind of cruel to your partner in the same way as if he constantly commented to you on women he saw who he found hot. It's hurtful and it's weird.

You don't have to just accept it as a fact of life, as some posters are saying. Watching videos of strangers having sex isn't a need and it isn't an intrinsic part of masturbation. It might be really common now, but we don't have to accept it's normal - watching thousands of hours of other people doing sex acts is not a normal part of life! It's fucking weird.

I think there is a few different elements here tbh.

1. You disagree with porn in a moral ground yet he continues what happens in other areas you disagree in ?

1. What kind of porn is he using? Is there a kink or fetish ?

1. Porn and masturbation isn't about you I know previously it made damages to your 'joint ' sex life that would and should be an issue to most I think. This time has been normal though except there has been a decline is that your choice ?

Honestly, I find the attitudes of women here so depressing. Men who watch filmed prostitution (or filmed rape for all they know) are not good men. And good women should not be condoning it. Maybe it’s better for some women to be with men who get turned on watching women be abused, but I’d much rather be single than that! And lots of men have the exact same attitude to porn as I do. Plenty of women try to destroy your faith (because they can’t cope with the idea that their husband is actually worse than average) but good men really do exist.

You have different views on porn. Can you live with that now?

Everything you've said is the same for me.

I know DH watches porn too. We're open about it.

I purposefully watch pretty 'vanilla' porn, so it doesn't rewire my brain to no longer find my sex life with DH stimulating.

It's scratching an itch for me, or 5 minutes of relaxation, either if DH isn't around, or he's asleep already, or we've already had sex that day and I don't want to bother him.

If it ever interfered with our relationship, we would both have a rethink. I understand it might be a hard boundary for others though.

Has he actually trampled any boundaries though? He said he’d work hard to stop, which maybe he did, but in reality just cut down. You never asked again, until now 🤷‍♀️

The VPN thing is a bit of a non-issue IMO. I just read an article which suggested that there were over 1 million new downloads of VPN apps in the months since age restrictions on content came in for UK users, so it’s clearly a common loophole that’s being exploited.

Ultimately, if you have a hard line personally about porn usage then you need to tell him that and be prepared to split if he can’t/won’t stop.

Isnt it strange. It's a really weird concept that over time society has just accepted as "normal" as if its not a choice but an absolute right for men.

I'm yet to meet a woman who has the preference for her partner to consume porn alone and feels it brings intimacy and benefit to the relationship. Indifference yes or the "well atleast he isnt bothering me" view.

When younger and discussing the qualities we'd like our future partner to have. No one has ever said oh I'd love for them to be getting sexual gratification outside the relationship via screens. I'd feel so cherished and loved knowing he is getting aroused and masturbating over other women's bodies and other couples having sex. I hear lots of women not wanting to think about it or ignoring it. Not preferring it.

Yet society has gaslit women into thinking they are being controlling or insecure to not want this in a monogamous relationship. I'm glad to see the tide is slowly turning and more people are viewing this differently. But it's quite clear who in society it benefits for men to be entitled to pornography. It's a big money making industry I'm not sure if people truly understand the level of manipulation going on. The research that goes on to find the right noise lighting scenes length of video that trigger our brains the chemicals that get released. Side by side views of a brain on cocaine and viewing pornography are lit up in the same ways. The list goes on. Perhaps lots of people don't care. But it's very naive to see pornography as harmless.

That's a really good way of thinking about it, MightyGoldBear

Women are tolerating this sexual behaviour, but (almost) none of us actually like it or want it to be going on, yet we're just expected to put up with it. Since when is resignation at best (and disgust or hurt at worst), the best women can expect in a partnership with a man?!

If there was a whole side to my DP I had to pretend didn't exist, like if I knew he wanks regularly watching videos of gangbangs or people having anal sex, I don't think I could look him in the eye. And that's without considering the fact that you don't even know in porn if the women in the films are ok/underage/consenting, so why would you take that risk?

I'm not sure if people truly understand the level of manipulation going on. The research that goes on to find the right noise lighting scenes length of video that trigger our brains the chemicals that get released. Side by side views of a brain on cocaine and viewing pornography are lit up in the same ways.

Exactly. It turns people into addicted jellies with hijacked brains.

For those saying it's 'normal', just because something has been normalised doesn't make it normal behaviour.

According to AI, about 80% of adult men regularly use porn. Although it's much higher for younger adult men

Normal like 3/4 of the population becoming over weight with addiction to sugar and fat.

This.

There are too many women feeling like shit because of men (their porn use and/or other really crappy behaviour).

Hooray!
Hear hear!
Accepting this stuff as normal is insidious and damaging.
Trying to pretend otherwise is just caving in to the big business that is the porn industry.
I am glad I had DDs as I do not know how the parents of teenage boys can help them to establish healthy relationships with the sort of pressure they are under.
It is refreshing to see someone speaking out.

This helps understand the addictiveness:

The Truth About Pornography | Dr. Jordan Peterson & Dr. Andrew Huberman

It will never cease to amaze me, hearing stories like yours OP.

That a man who has heard your objections and knows you feel bad about it, will still prioritise his pornography. I can understand single men using it as a proxy (albeit I still think they shouldn't), but in your case he has an actual, real woman who's ready, willing and able to have actual, real sex with him.

Beggars belief. All I can say is, porn must be a hell of a drug for men.

I don't think most 99 percent of men use porn to get off. I think some do if they are not happy with their partner or who have little intimacy. I'd work on building intimacy and once that is restored I'd tell him it upsets you and undermines your confidence when he uses porn. If he didn't stop I'd dump him because it shows he has no respect for women.

Speak for yourself or the men you choose to keep the unfortunate company of. Op it’s not normal and albeit some may do a lot don’t. This stuff usually starts from teenage/young adulthood and some grow out of it and go on to physical intimacy and others unfortunately become addicted.

Your husband is in the latter category and needs therapy. I’d say if he’s genuinely fine in every other department then get him help with this and support him. The change needs to come from him though.