DH's porn habit is destroying my confidence

[OchreSheep]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, 2 DC aged 5 and 7. Generally happy, we have ups and downs like any relationship and I do feel there's a misbalance within the household with chores and general day-to-day "life admin" stuff falling on me, despite us both working FT. He's also doing a part-time MBA which is crippling us, he's hiding away all evening and most of the weekends to do his work and I subsequently feel lonely but I do understand why he's doing it for the financial security afterwards. He has a MSc already and is successful at work salary wise but his work agreed to pay for this so he understandably leapt at the chance. That's the background.

Around 3-4 years ago, he was noticably struggling to ejaculate and I became concerned about this. I was worried, in a small way, that either he was cheating or no longer found me attractive so I confronted him. He was very open and honest and admitted to having a porn habit. He said it started when he was a young teen and he wasn't really sure why he did it, it was a habit he hadn't been able to break and that he generally did it to alleviate tension and stress. I was quite upset, explained my thoughts on the porn industry (concerned about trafficking, sexual exploitation, underage women on there etc) and also that it knocked my confidence, made me feel inadequate in some way and I wasn't comfortable with him regularly getting off to women I could never look like without major plastic surgery. It was an incredibly open conversation and he said he would work really hard to stop using it.

I admittedly haven't thought much about it since. It's been a hectic few years for various reasons and I haven't given it much headspace. The "death grip" alleviated after our chat too so I figured he really had been working at it and thought no more of it. Last night we were scrolling through youtube together on his phone and the ads on his homescreen were incredibly sexual in nature- scantily clad women and sexual games. I know these ads are based on cookies, mine are currently for Christmas lights for example because I've been searching for some so I gathered he must have been accessing adult content and asked. He said he never stopped accessing porn but that it's "every other day" now. I asked how he was doing this with the new government age restrictions knowing he wouldn't be putting personal details in there, he said he uses a VPN...

I think the VPN factor has added another layer, he's gone to that extra effort to access this content. It goes beyond this though for me because it's naturally resurfaced those feelings of inadequacy. I admit we haven't been having sex as regularly as we perhaps should recently, we're both worn out with our careers and DC and with him disappearing into another room all evening, I don't really feel like jumping on him when he resurfaces. I don't have an issue with masturbation but don't see why he can't use his imagination, the porn is my issue. I suppose my overall question is what I can or should do about this? Am I right to have these feelings or should I get over myself and accept most adult men do this?

Just about everyone for hundreds of thousands of years .... up until about the invention of the internet. Maybe those saying men can't live without it should contemplate that!

I haven't voluntarily seen any porn for many, many years. I had little idea it had got so bad. This is so grim.

I hate to upset/scare you but a a porn addiction that started in early teens is exactly how my son ended up with a criminal record for accessing child abuse images.

you need to look at the word addiction and forget the porn aspect of it. What defines an addiction? How do addictions escalate?How do most people with an addiction end up?

then ask yourself why he hasn’t sought out help to stop this like you would expect him to if it was coke or gambling? In addiction it’s the exact same neuronal areas and pleasure centres that are triggered. Would you put up with a coke addiction? Or gambling addiction?

then as a final question I’d be asking why he’s hiding his usage being a vpn when he could just use his passport to access legal porn that is much more likely to be “safe” with actual adults that are doing it for payment instead of girls that have been trafficked against their will.

I feel incredibly sorry for all the women on here saying “just put up with it, most men do it”. If most men pissed on your curtains and shat in the corner would you put up with that? Get some standards!

How is this stuff actually allowed to be viewed at all? I find it so ironic when we live in this woke society that cancels everything and is obsessed with being politically correct, that we allow hate filled violent pornography to be accessed by anyone who wants to view it, including young boys. I think some age restrictions apply to some sites now, but I'm sure it's very easy to circumvent those. It warps minds and poisons society. It is deeply misogynistic. It should all be shut down by the government. Except probably men in parliament watch it .

It's not a need. It's far too simplistic to say men NEED to masturbate and watch pornography more.

At no point is seeking out pornography a biological drive, masturbation and sex yes at certain points for both women and men there is biological drives, That change in intensity over time. What isn't mentioned is the gender shaping. Men from a young age have been groomed to be more sexual by society. They develop (are expected to by those around them) a habitual masturbation routine that often includes pornography. That typically doesnt happen for young girls. women have historically been repressed sexually. Both genders are fully capable of living without sex and masturbation. We find that concept quite acceptable for women but somehow difficult to comprehend for men. Neither men or women are animals but we regard men has having less willpower and less self control. Those are skills which are learnt but one gender has much more expectation to learn them and are shamed for not. which gender is also encouraged to learn empathy compassion the ability to relate? Which gender then finds many aspects of pornography unpalatable. Especially when the person you're relating to In the video is the one being choked or spat on. We can't forget pornography is predominantly designed that you're looking through the male lens. Its not designed for women. There is a real distinct predator and prey element seen its no wonder the prey are less inclined to engage sexually when they feel vunerable and unsafe. Thats when Society comes in to shame women for being prudish controlling insecure.

Pornography and sexual content Is advertised (social media)more to men but equally to us all. One gender typically interacts more with that thus changing their algorithms. One gender has been positively encouraged since a young child to be engaging in sexual content being told thats what a man does a red blooded male etc the more they interact the more they get kept in a feedback loop. That's how advertising works. The more we see McDonald's signs/adverts the more we are likely to crave it and then eat it. Especially if you combine it with a message of say that's nutrition for a real women say from a young age and all the women growing up positively interact and show you their approval of it (like page 3 models or counting down the days till a actress turns 16 no longer done (mainstream)but many men grew up seeing that) at one point in history smoking was considered healthy so many took it up as a healthy lifestyle. Advertising is powerful. Society shaping and gender shaping is powerful. It's big business pornography is a big money making industry. Those in power do not want to shut it down or regulate it. Which gender is it naturally going to appeal more to(their lens)? Which gender feels entitled to it?

There are absolutely physical differences between men and women but it's way more nuanced than men just "need" to masturbate and watch pornography more than women. Without all the many factors contributing how do we know what genuine sexual desire looks like when it's being manipulated constantly. Lots of men are essentially being consistently dosed up on sexual content. Which over time does increase their tolerance much like a drug. Research has shown most women get the same level of arousal from the same visual sexual content where as men typically seek increasing novelty and develop a tolerance to achieve the same level of arousal. Yet in relationships its almost the reverse for women they stay more sexually and romantically interested in a partner if that partner is evolving can surprise them.

Many sex therapist will encourage (predominantly for women, no surpises there) the use of erotic novels and content to slowly awaken the idea of being sexual again. To look inwards to re engage with themselves physically and emotionally. To remember their own needs.
It can be highly effective and something that's easy to test yourself. They advise the male part of the couple the opposite to look outwards to their partner and the wider world to show a different part of themselves emotionally to increase intimacy or showing their partner skills and competency. The differences there are partly down to gender shaping not just biology.

The myth of men being more visual has also been debunked. If it was the case we wouldn't have men living in a bachelor pad with no furniture or decoration. Just a sofa and a TV.

Its fine to choose Ignorance Is bliss in your own personal relationship. Not everyone wants to change the status quo. But it's so damaging to keep alive these simplistic views on men and pornography. Many of us are raising children do we want our daughters and sons to believe this crap that's "just what men do" how reductive.

We could all start small and change the narrative of many men and women do xyz because of many factors and its your choice if you engage in that behaviour or want that in your relationship. But no one is wrong for having different expectations. I certainly expect men to engage in housework that wasnt always the case historically but that wasnt down to biological factors they are very capable.
At the very least let's give the next generation some clarity and agency.

How do we give the next generation clarity I wonder? I worry about my DGSs and the sort of content they see/have seen/deliberately access.

Sex is the one area of life they cannot learn by example from their parents because they do not see them doing it. They have to learn by the example of how their fathers treat their mothers, and sadly for many this is not a good example.

We need to spell it out to our boys that the sort of content they might see on a porn site is not real life. Talk about how the women come to be on there in the first place - the drug stranglehold, poverty, coercion and more. They need to know that this is not how men and women should be interacting - that sex lives need to be like any other aspect of life and predicated by kindness as the golden rule. Parents must talk about this in the certain knowledge that their sons will see this stuff. It needs to be spoken of and out in the open.

Tell them that it might physically turn them on because their biology and their rampant hormones have a knee-jerk reaction, and that they must not feel bad about this, but that this is not real life - it is not what humanity aspires to - it is not how their happiness will be secured. Talk to them ....... just talk to them.

I really have no idea what to say, but I imagine more men look at these sites than people let on, not many wives would confide to others their DH do this, esp people with high stress roles, that or an affair.
Personally I would really struggle with this, the multiple feeings of inadequacy etc.

However as a (sort of) plus, he is very open with you and honest - miles from many when they like this.

Have either of you looked at help groups and what they recommend? These sorts of things have always been around in one shape or form, what is annoying is the big bosses make a HUGE amount of money off everyone else, exploiting young men and women and purchasers. With the newer channels young mums / dads are even finding it a great source of income, which I just find overall a little sad.

If people underestimate the distorting & pervasive effects of porn & it’s impact on culture - in a way unlike no other, since the arrival & availability of online porn - just look at how overtly sexualised ordinary social behaviours have become as a result. How so common it is in the world of OLD for eg, for women to receive dick pics, or overtly sexualised requests for photos in return, or invitations to come over to “cuddle” or to I’m sure the now outdated but still prevalent “Netflix & chill?” as an acceptable means of approaching & trying to get to know a prospective new partner? No not all men do this but it just shows the corrupting effect of online porn, where a lot of men seem unable to differentiate between that & Only Fans & webcam content & the women looking online on a “reputable” dating site, for a romantic partner.
I think it’s very hard to get into the mindset of what it must be like to be male & hence why we underestimate how vulnerable men & young boys are, to this kind of content. Where masturbatory urges & needs are greater than women’s. It is a fact. Men think about, get more sexually aroused by & have more intrusive thoughts & images of sex & sexual content, and masturbate more, than women. I’m certainly not condoning porn use but it is distorting & corrupting healthy attitudes & sexual behaviour, creating addictions to it, that many men may not have ever got caught up in, had it not been so readily & easily available. And often now, from a young age.

I think it’s an outdated belief that most men don’t masturbate or use porn, even when in monogamous relationships. Most women believe erroneously that if their partner is in a sexual relationship with them, they are not thinking about, fantasising about & masturbating over other women. It’s a horrible fact & general difference, between the sexes. OFC they’re not going to admit to it. Sadly the boundaries between healthy, necessary masturbation & porn addiction are becoming increasingly blurred. Hence the whole agenda ro try to protect young boys (& girls) from being able to access such distorting & damaging content, where things that were once considered, hard, violent or extreme porn, alongside kinks & fetishes are now offered up pretty much as the norm in mainstream porn today. Which is horribly misogynistic, mainly targeted at male consumption & damaging to all.

An interesting correlate is male gay porn - where there is less overall misandry & violence, humiliation & degradation between parties. There are OFC BDS&M & humiliation categories, but less general “abuse” of the other party (which is typically in hetero porn the woman) as an object that is used & abused by typically a man for sexual gratification. That now is especially violent & degrading (eg choking is now mainstream). I’m not male or gay, or a great user of porn! But is just what I have read. Gay (male) porn is not without its problems however, so I’m not offering it up as some loving, respectful alternative. Where exploitation of sexual stereotypes, racism & subjectificstion /objectification is still prevalent.
Just without the misogyny & notably less misandry.

I think the women who are saying their partner or exs don’t/didn’t are really naive. You can’t possibly think that there’s a high % of men who don’t watch it. It’s a case of keeping it on the down low but I could guarantee the majority of men do, even the ones who claim they’re not into it. I myself cannot stand porn, I just find the over exaggerated moans and all for the camera acting cringe and annoying. If anyone was to ask whether I’m the type to watch it they would say absolutely no way she hates it however…..I do watch it now and then, I tend to watch the homemade recorded on a phone type videos which are mostly connected to OF creators so nothing too dramatic and it’s all relatable. So I am proof that it is possible to not like it but still watch it and no one would guess tbh. I think men like it because they get to see something different, different size women, different body shapes, hair colour etc it’s just something new which gives the boosted stimulation. I had noticed that as soon as I had my daughter who is 4 months old her dad was sorry for tmi but was getting extra hard and was wanting to go round after round. I think it was because I went from big bump to wearing sexy night sets and he could actually “throw me around in the bedroom” not literally. It was just something new again. Eventually this all died down. Anyways I noticed again that when I dyed my hair and just for fun- used some temporary tattoos (biggish ones on my thigh, some cute ones on my boobs and hands etc he went back to the getting extra hard and finishing quicker than usual. Again I think it stems down to that different look, something new and visually I was different to normal and it just gave him that extra kick. I would be certain that in most cases men aren’t spending their time wishing you were like the women they are watching and in most cases it’s different videos and different models each time they watch it. I completely understand your hurt though. It is awful to feel like your partner is getting off over another woman even if it’s just porn but I honestly don’t think there’s many men who don’t do it plus like previous posters have said it does come off controlling to try and dictate how someone masturbates. If I flip it, if my daughters dad had said to me please don’t watch porn it makes me feel like you’re cheating and worthless then I would be quite taken back and think it’s odd and controlling and he can’t relay his insecurities onto me. I would however be more discreet about it if I wanted to keep watching.

On a last note, I don’t think porn is cheating, I think it’s a case of it hurting us knowing that our partners are getting off over another woman which is completely valid however we should try and channel that hurt and insecurities into something positive and try not to get too caught up in feelings. Try and learn to feel confident in yourself that essentially he isn’t doing anything wrong as such and he is entitled to watch it and have that time to himself. I think if he’s doing it discreetly and in private then it shouldn’t be a problem, if he were laying in bed next to you or opposite on the sofa and pulled his phone out and started watching it then it would be a whole separate issue of no respect for you. Again as a society we are so accustomed to women using fake dicks, vibrators and all sorts to masturbate with and no one bats an eye however if a man started using a fake vagina to masturbate with or a boobs and vagina sex doll then it would be frowned upon and women would lose their minds but men just are expected to tolerate his partner is getting off on a rubber penis. Sorry can’t think of the names but flesh light is one toy for men.

So hypothetically your daughter one day turns around to you and says mum I want a partner who doesn't watch pornography or maturbate over other people. I want someone honest who doesn't hide their behaviours from me. You're going to tell her that doesn't exist and she should change herself to fit mens needs, channel her hurt and dissapointment into feeling more confident in herself because men are entitled to pornography?

Well said!

@MightyGoldBearListen we all have opinions on porn some people see it as full blown cheating and others just don’t particularly like the thought that their partner watches it but let’s put feelings aside no one has the right to tell anyone that they cannot watch porn. You can definitely let your feelings be known and your partner should be respectful about it but it is controlling to say no you are not allowed to watch it. It’s not cheating at the end of the day. If my daughter approached me and said her boyfriend was watching it and she didn’t like it then I would tell her she needs to work on her insecurities and become a bigger and better person. I’ve done the same myself, I completely understand the feelings that come with knowing the man you love gets off to it but I turned that around because I knew it was my problem and it wasn’t healthy to feel that type of jealousy and hurt and secondly be dictating to him what he can and cannot do during that time. It would be outrageous (in the eyes of the majority) if he told me you’re not allowed to use a vibrator because it’s bigger than me and makes me feel insecure. It’s no different to men and women seeing someone attractive that catches your eye and you take a glance, are you going to say I don’t want you looking at attractive women too. There’s also definitely a line between taking a glance because someone caught your eye and then full on gawking it’s about respect and same goes for porn. Do it privately. I still stand by what I said about women using dildos and no one thinks anything of it but a man wouldn’t be allowed to use replicas of vaginas sex toys it’s just double standard. It’s time to start putting feelings aside and seeing it from the other perspective. Yes it hurts but at the end of the day nothing in this day and age will ever change. Porn is everywhere as well as half naked women begging for attention there’s no escaping it.

@MightyGoldBear I’m really not trying to come across patronising. I do really understand how it feels but I guess for me I had to really work on myself and my confidence and put my feelings aside where necessary because I was way too deep about him watching porn and other things similar so I had to take a step back and see it for what it was if not for my own sanity. And tbh whilst I was feeling that intense hurt and jealousy I was also watching it myself in my own time so it just did not make sense

if he says he watches every other day it’s probably more than that which suggests he’s an addict. You also don’t know what kind of porn he’s accessing. I would want to know it wasn’t young girls. It’s impacting on you so there needs to be further conversation between the two of you. This is a relationship issue and he needs to face up to it with you. You probably need some professional help. Have a look at Paula Hall’s website. There is information on sex addiction/ porn addiction there and a list of professional sex addiction specialists to consult if you both decide that’s the direction to go in.

OP ... do not let it destroy your confidence.

He's not doing it because you are inadequate in some way. You are just married to a man who has little in the way of a moral compass and has been sucked into this addiction. That is NOT down to you. It is his inadequacy, not yours ....

I think a lot of women have problems with porn due to the fact that women are treated awfully in lots of it. For the porn scenes and the industry. I know that's become my perception. In the sex industries in general women suffer emotionally, mentally and physically. Literally having prolapses and internal injuries.. Some women might not be exploited and these people may be the loudest and most articulate like Bonnie Blue and the top Only Fans people etc. But lots is exploitative and cruelly misogynistic. Ive seen it myself. PornHub had to remove a huge percentage of content because that could not verify age or consent.

I think most people would prefer their teenaged daughters not to go into porn. Some may be fine but I think a lot would not. What does that say about the disassociation between porn and real life? They are all somebody's usually youngish daughters.

I feel its a very dismissive angle to just say that the only reason women don't like it is because you are insecure about your looks or attractiveness. There are huge issues at play.

Masturbation and using sex toys does not have to involve the filming of sex acts of other people. Its totally different. Nobody has to do do anything for you to wank. This is how it used to be. Not every single man had a huge stash of porn and looked at it every day. I mentioned previously yourbrainonporn which explains how the internet hits your dopamine differently to older porn like mags or even VHS. The internet provides endless novelty and one partner starts not to be able to compete. Its algorithmically designed to hypnotise you by the same things as gambling sites used. Hacking into your sex drive.

Lots of people were horrified at the men queuing at the Bonnie Blue things thinking well these are the young men of today who our daughters are mixing with. And this is how they would treat a women and what they regard as sex.
The way men treat and approach women for sex has changed because of porn. Unwanted choking, slapping etc. Expectation of anal sex. Wider societal consequences.

I don't want to tell anybody what to do but I hate it when women who have issues with porn are dismissed as insecure and worried about their looks. Just work on your confidence and everything will be fine is rubbish honestly. You can be completely secure and still worry about how porn is damaging in a way that is personal and societal.

@BudgetWurzel And again I agree with your points about some women being exploited especially those from countries where there isn’t government assistance or welfare to fall back on as such. Yes I can see how easy it would be to get into the porn industry and then be violated and treated like absolute shit. However on the flip side there is just as many women who get into the porn industry completely willingly because they make big money and we can’t have it both ways, the women campaigning that making porn content and making money off the backs of “dumb and thirsty men” giving it you go girl get your money. Social media corrupts the minds of people just as much as porn does solely. As stated above all you ever come across is women pushing sexualised material in the name of body positivity and being in touch with their sexual side and women can enjoy sex too just as men do, body count doesn’t matter ect to name a few. There is very little morals of today in my opinion. If you see my point, social media on the whole is pushing a narrative that doesn’t fit reality and is damaging but yet it isn’t banned or seen as a red flag because you have accounts. I don’t think anyone would be happy if it’s their daughter who ended up in the industry but what do you expect when social media pushes the amount of money you can make from it and it seems everybody wants to be “famous” these days. It’s that why be earning minimum wage or going to uni and having a professional career when you can just make sexual content and become 5 or 10x richer. No I don’t agree with it but it is what it is. People are just all for money over morals these days and unfortunately the more outrageous and out there content you post then the more money you make.

I was referring to being insecure to this particular poster, of course there is many reasons why women don’t like it but this particular post was coming across she doesn’t want her partner watching it because he was getting off to other women and the cheating side of it.

My comment about sex toys was that the women who don’t like their man watching porn wouldn’t also like him whipping out a rubber vagina to stick his dick in but yet it’s ok and the norm for women to do it with rubber dicks. Double standard was my point. You have to be fair here on both sides. It’s not reasonable to police your partner on watching porn especially if it’s being done in private and in a respectful manner. If he’s sitting opposite from you on the sofa and turns it on and starts wanking then obviously it’s just pure disrespect. If he’s turning down sex because he’d rather watch porn and masturbate then it’s a problem too. It’s all about fair proportion tbh

I will add if it was down to me porn and social media would be completely banned altogether but it’s never going to happen.

I think what struck me most about your comments was the fact that all the responsibility to change or be accommodating was on women and nothing on men.

You're quite right in that pornograpy social media sexual content isnt likely going anywhere. But regardless if you have a penis or a vagina you have a choice in how you engage with that content. The most damaging message we can keep telling men women boys and girls is that

1. men/boys can't change of their own free will and will always look at others for sexual gratification. That they aren't capable of focusing on one partner entirely if they choose to.

1. That women/girls should change themselves or their expectations because a man's wants are more important. That having any man is better than no man.

I really do want to shout from the rooftops that men can and do choose to not engage in pornography anymore. It's a choice they make for themselves. That a whole generation are coming up that aren't engaging from the start. I'm not saying it's a lot of men at all I'm saying it exist.

If you told my grandmother (no longer living) how much housework and childcare my husband does she would be flabbergasted. She wouldn't of thought it possible. She would also be resistive to the idea. Change it difficult for us all.

It's possible today because some of us expect it encourage it won't settle for less. We know men are capable and we don't deny men that can run a home/take responsibility for children exist.

We have to change the script.

I do agree with lots of this about social media, it's pure grooming these days. Sex work is sold as a fast track to getting rich and leading a glamorous life.Itss almost if you can't beat em join em for young women now. I'm sure if you are very strong headed and very good looking you might make serious money and be ok. But this isn't the reality for all, all that glitters is not gold. You see the stories about the dark side of Dubai. Absolutely beautiful women from all around the world go there. The influencers, Only Fans people and the like. I'm sure they make some money and get designer gear but then what? It's something you age out of. I doubt most make life changing amounts as the glamour looks/lifestyle costs as well. I think you could end up with serious issues about men for life. Sex work has always existed but it has never been pushed so hard to so many young women. For all the top earners there's loads beneath doing more desperate things.

I just feel sad that for most women who aren't particularly happy about porn the options are look away, hope he doesn't really like anything too gruesome and hope it doesn't impact your sex life. I think that a lot of women might struggle to rationalise a lot of the stuff I've seen and mentioned previously that are mainstream and dark as hell.That's why men are using VPNs. No accountability which is dangerous territory.

Personally I know why people use it, it works but I don't want this in my brain and I don't want to contribute to it,

Lol, just because it was seen as morally wrong by society, does not mean that men weren't still wanking daily. The more puritanical the society, the more porn you'll find. That's why there was rampant Victorian porn.

No, it protects your computer from viruses.

Isn't the Victorian porn thing not to with major technological advances in photography and printing? Technology is always a driver, photography, VHS etc.

Why should they need to. They are happy with their lives. Your dislike of it has no bearing on what they enjoy or should enjoy if it doesn't hurt anyone.