How do I gently reopen a conversation about about emotional distance with my wife?

[Looking4more]

We get on fine day-to-day, but a conversation I wanted months ago never happened — how do I gently reopen it?

Back in early September, I sent my wife a heartfelt message about wanting us to reconnect emotionally. She replied kindly and suggested a walk that weekend to talk — but that never happened. Since then, she hasn’t brought it up.

Day-to-day, everything’s fine. We co-parent smoothly, get on well, and life ticks along. But there’s this quiet awkwardness around the conversation I tried to start, and it’s niggling at me.

I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel cornered, but I also don’t want to just let it drift indefinitely. I’m aware that sometimes “no answer” is, in fact, an answer, and I also want to make sure I’m expressing what I actually want without seeming manipulative or pushy.

I’m thinking of keeping it simple and straightforward — maybe just gently asking if she’s open to talking, and when might suit her. But I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place: how did you reopen a conversation about emotional distance when your partner seemed reluctant?

Any tips on being clear, patient, and non-confrontational would be really appreciated.

Why do men always come on Mumsnet hoping for other women to tell them how to encourage their wives to have more sex with them

Because they are immature and pathetic.

This is why he couldn't define 'emotional distance' - he meant lack of sex from my grieving wife.

Probably sex, usually is when man comes on here complaining about his wife

So you’re a sex post trying to hide your actual concern (how to get your wife to have more sex with you) under a guise of concern about her menopause and her mother’s Parkinson’s?

You’re a real class act, OP. Well done. God star.

This sounds cruel. Suggesting asking her questions that will make her uncomfortable to get a reaction out of her. Then pushing yet again. Her mum has Parkinson’s!! Why not suggest he offers her support and that he’s there for her if she needs to talk

Oh.

Did he?

Sigh..........

The post on the sex board helped my understanding enormously and I have moved on in my thinking. I now think the emotional side is far more important and if we can work on that sex and all the other things I have mentioned will come. At its core I’m concerned for my wife’s wellbeing and want to help in any way I can. Have posted on the relationships board to get a broader view and have some really good suggestions on what I can do

You want a broader view on how you can have more sex. Don’t start confusing conversations where you say one thing and mean another?
I feel for you poor wife. She’s got a lot on. Perhaps consider how you can do practical things to help her and lighten her load instead of wanting weird talks when she probably can’t vocalise the enormity of her feelings, and definitely not to someone who wants more sex from her.

I think this is closest to the mark and sets a scene for how I can approach things. I think the tv watching advice on how to perhaps subtly connect on things that are important is good and will try that

Interesting that you admit on the sex board that your actual problem is....... not enough sex..
No mention of her mum or the menopause.
Link

Have had time to consider and think more based on the sex responses provided. This helped me to think more from her perspective and get beyond my wants. Hence the change of ask as I think that’s more pertinent to moving things in a more positive direction.

When an advert has just slapped her round the face with reality yet again when all she wanted to do was escape for a bit, it's not a good time to say 'So how do you feel about your mum dying multiple times?'. And even if she doesn't get up and walk away from you (or tell you to fuck off and leave her alone), that doesn't translate in her wanting to have sex.

You want joy.

She might just want someone to cook tea and sort the house out. After that she might want to think about peace and later joy.

What are you doing for your anniversary?

It’s always for more sex. Would you continue to care and put effort into this if sex was completely OFF the table?

Nice bunch of flowers and a meal out together at our favourite pub

I love and care for her deeply. That might just be the case so will need to cross that bridge when/if we come to it

How long has this been going on for? The lack of joy in life I mean. Does it directly correlate time-wise with her mum’s illness or is that just another thing making life even harder?

The reason I ask is that you mentioned menopause. Is that because she has said she’s going through perimenopause and having some of the symptoms or are you just anticipating that might be part of the picture? I’m really loath to put everything down to menopause because it may well all be circumstantial and things going on in her life that are sapping the joy out of everything. However, in case it happens to be useful, here’s my take on how the menopause can rob you of your joy and how DH and I navigated it:

This stage of life does seem to be a time of looking back and reflecting on life so far. For a lot of women that involves contemplating the years when they have consistently put themselves at the bottom of the list when it comes to family priorities and when they have shouldered the majority of childcare and the general running of family life. And looking back they’re pretty cheesed off about a lot of it. I’m not saying h this is how your family has run but it is a fairly common picture. Add into that a feeling that I can only describe as ‘desolation but at the same time knowing logically that things aren’t actually terrible’ (I know that sounds bonkers but I don’t know how else to describe it!) and you can actually feel pretty miserable. A friend described the feeling as ‘murderous’. You get the picture - it feels like the world is against you and that no one understands and you have some concrete reasons for feeling that you have been taken for granted and wish you hadn’t put up with a lot of it. My DH was pretty blindsided by his usually calm, pragmatic wife seeming so unhappy and so quietly angry. He started off with the usual ‘Are you ok? You don’t seem yourself’. When that didn’t get him very far (I really didn’t want to talk about it because I knew some of it wasn’t rational but couldn’t work out what was and what wasn’t) he progressed to ‘I’m worried about you. You seem very unhappy and I’m concerned it’s because of me - I’d rather know what it is so I can say sorry and put it right’. It slowly started to break through and we had several conversations like that until we started to get some understanding. I had stuff I needed to say and he listened quietly to that and apologised where needed. He explained how my unhappiness affected him and I apologised for some of the ways I’d been unkind in this. In every conversation he led with how much he loves me and how much he wants me to be happy. That helped a lot. As did listening and genuinely trying to understand. There was also no ulterior motive which I think is important. If your wife starts to get the idea that you’re only having this conversation as a way to get more sex it won’t help, it really does need to be about loving her in the situation she is currently in and wanting to improve her life for her sake and not for what you want to get out of it. Be patient and loving. She has a whole load on her plate at the moment and she needs your love and absolute support.

As a peri-menopausal woman, with a Mum who has dementia and is also a Mum of 2 teens, I’m also avoiding similar conversations. There is potential in my current mind set that if forced in to these conversations I’d blow my whole life apart because quite frankly I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone. I’m sure this will pass and I’ll eventually feel like my old self again (or a newer, better version) but right now, I’m just waiting. I don’t want to ruin what I have so instead I say nothing, because nothing I say now will benefit anyone. Maybe she feels the same. 🤷‍♀️

At a guess your wife sounds rightly overwhelmed with life. And unfortunately asking your questions you outlined, is just an overwhelming situation too. Maybe for the first conversation, don’t ask her questions. Let her know you’re truly and deeply there for her. Men often try to fix everything. Sometimes we don’t need you to come in and ask all the questions to fix everything, we just need to feel seen. Good luck.

thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it. Lack of joy and anger outbursts have been progressing over the past 5 years plus. Wife has been on antidepressants all this time. Her mum was diagnosed 15 years ago, with early onset Parkinson’s, but it has only become more progressed over the past 5 years. Wife has also had a breakdown at work 3 years ago which has resulted in a career change which is going very well for her.

thanks for the encouragement. I will keep going. Am a very active parent and fully paid up member of doing things all round the house as is dear wife

Absolutely this!

If my DH started pestering me for ‘emotional closeness’ right now and insisting he had a right to know my deepest thoughts and feelings, I’m afraid he’d get a very nasty surprise and hear some things we couldn’t come back from.

In about ten years when hopefully I will no longer be on call 24/7 handholding and spoonfeeding and mopping up after every useless fucker in my household and beyond, maybe I’ll be able to have this sort of conversation without incinerating all my loved ones with she sheer force of my fury and absolute horror that for all my education and achievement I’m little more than a worn out unthanked skivvy for a bunch of needy ungrateful shits.

Oh dear. Starting to get a sense of some of the bubbling anger that could be lurking underneath. Not to make light of it - but proceed with extreme caution.!!

You know that your wife doesn't want sex with you, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about how to engage her 'emotionally.'

Knowing this and knowing that she is probably trying to avoid any kind of intimacy with you, the simplest thing to do would be to actually take sex off the table.

Tell her, I know you're uncomfortable talking about it because it just puts more pressure on you when you already have so much to deal with, so why don't we just take sex off the table and accept that it's not going to happen unless you want it to.

I'm happy to talk with you about anything, not just the serious stuff. I'm happy to walk with you in silence if you want. I'm happy to hold your hand and hug you, help you in any way you need, whether that's taking over the meal planning/cooking for the next few months, or just chilling in front of the tv with you. Whatever you need, I'm here for you.

If you do that OP, you might have a chance of rekindling the relationship. At the moment she's checked out because she just can't handle any more stress. Take some of the load off her.

If you loved her, you'd be doing it anyway, not just waiting to 'cross that bridge if we come to it'.

Oh, has your wife started taking to you this evening?

Good advice thanks.