How do I gently reopen a conversation about about emotional distance with my wife?

[Looking4more]

We get on fine day-to-day, but a conversation I wanted months ago never happened — how do I gently reopen it?

Back in early September, I sent my wife a heartfelt message about wanting us to reconnect emotionally. She replied kindly and suggested a walk that weekend to talk — but that never happened. Since then, she hasn’t brought it up.

Day-to-day, everything’s fine. We co-parent smoothly, get on well, and life ticks along. But there’s this quiet awkwardness around the conversation I tried to start, and it’s niggling at me.

I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel cornered, but I also don’t want to just let it drift indefinitely. I’m aware that sometimes “no answer” is, in fact, an answer, and I also want to make sure I’m expressing what I actually want without seeming manipulative or pushy.

I’m thinking of keeping it simple and straightforward — maybe just gently asking if she’s open to talking, and when might suit her. But I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place: how did you reopen a conversation about emotional distance when your partner seemed reluctant?

Any tips on being clear, patient, and non-confrontational would be really appreciated.

Did you ever have these kinds of conversations? Is this something that's changed or has it always been like this?

So regarding her mum’s Parkinson’s, what do you mean by “what that means for her”?
Are you asking her about practically on a day to day basis, what she has to do to support her mum or are you talking about how it will affect her emotionally?

Why do you need her to talk about how her menopause might progress? That sounds vague. Is there something specific you want to address?

And regarding the menopause, how is she expected to answer the question “how it might progress for her”??

These are both general conversations, you don't need a come to Jesus talk about this. How's things with your mum? What can I do to help? Are you ok about it all? On the menopause, she might want to stab you if you try micromanaging that- it's not about you. I don't say this lightly but so you have a tendency to make an emotional mountain out of everything? I tend to go upwards when I'm struggling and would do better with a general chat but if my husband sent me a big message about emotionally connecting etc on these issues I'd think he's so self centered and selfish. These things primarily impact her, any conversation should be offering help

Are you pestering her for answers that she doesn't have?

Wow youre being piled on here. I don’t think you’d get these responses if this was a wife about a husband! Has she always been emotionally avoidant? Key is to make her feel relaxed, in a safe space and not pressured. Try not to pressure her too much and spend some downtime relaxing with her.

Thanks. It’s not the first time I have tried. So will keep plugging away

It's because he's not giving enough information for people to help.

There is no explanation of what it is he wants.

I’m sure your wife will really appreciate that. 🤔

@Looking4more Just start the conversation. Don't pussyfoot around. Maybe ask her a direct question, that you know will make her a little uncomfortable. Push things a little bit. What's the worst that could happen? She might tell you to fuck off. If she does, later that day, or the following day, you could refer to the question you asked and ask her why she responded like that.

If you're cautious and you fret over what words to use, you'll be back here asking the same question in 2026. Of course, if there was a decent men's forum, that would be the place for this question but, try as I might, I can't find one. Good luck. Ignore accusations of 'neediness'. As if men don't have needs.

If I were your wife, I would want more specific questions. So rather than "how are we going to handle your mother's Parkinson's?" (Overwhelming and stressful question). I'd want to hear, how are you coping with looking after your mum? Does the nurse think she's ok living independently much longer? Shall we start planning power of attorney for her? Etc.
Then and only then, if she clams up, you can readdress the "emotional distance" question. And again, be specific: "every time I try to figure out how your mum's condition is going to impact you, me and the kids, you get aggressive/avoidant".

No. I think it’s all too much at the moment and I’m a bit concerned there is something that’s not being spoken about that we need to get into

If DH asked me about how I thought the menopause might progress for me I wouldn't have a clue how to respond. I haven't given it much thought.

It would certainly be for me to bring up if I wanted to, not him.

It's not that you want her to open up more It's that you want her to go through a mental process she isn't interested in doing. Which is her perogative.

In a word joy. There is little in the world we have created for us that I can see she relishes. I can find it in my life but am keen to get that balance right as it feels uneven

What is too much? Dragging these snippets of information out of you OP.

its part of it but not the majority by a long way off.

So you want to simultaneously find joy in your shared life and make her discuss in-depth the emotional impact of her mother's Parkinson's? No wonder she's clamming up with that kind of confused message

Yes. Before kids we talked all the time about our feelings and what that might mean for the future

So what's the "majority". You're not exactly being forthcoming here mate.

I can see her going through the stages of grief in missing the part of her mum that now isn’t there. The practical side we can deal with no issue

There has been a real jump into problem solve on this thread (the above and “I need to know the children’s ages so I can help properly”) OP isn’t asking for problem solving. They’re asking how to approach a conversation.

OP is your partner avoidant? I think you need to meet them where they are, maybe accepting that it’ll take a while and might be small snippets of conversation rather than the long chat you would like. It doesn’t sound like that’s going to work for her.

That spark, sense of fun and adventure, caring and being kind. These are the core things. Sex will come off the back of those. Soz for appearing guarded. Not my usual method for discussing things close to the bone

There has been a real jump into problem solve on this thread

OP asked for tips. Background information is important.

Ta. Good advice