How to reopen communication

[Looking4more]

Hi all,

Back in early September, I wrote my wife a heartfelt message about wanting to reconnect emotionally and physically. She replied kindly, thanking me for the effort and suggesting we go for a walk over the weekend to talk.

That conversation never happened, and since then, she hasn’t brought it up. Day-to-day life is fine — we get on well and co-parent smoothly — but there’s still this big silence around what I wrote.

I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel cornered, but I also don’t want to let things drift indefinitely. I’d love to find a caring way to reopen the dialogue without creating defensiveness or conflict.

Has anyone been through something similar or found a gentle way to move things forward when your partner seems to be avoiding a tough but important conversation?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or experiences.

Probably better to put this in the Relationships board than the Sex one.

If it's a sex question, assuming she doesn't fancy you any more, then you're never going to talk her knickers off I'm afraid.

OP, if it is put on the Relationships board you will face a lot of intrusive and hostile questions from people who will assume you're at fault, particularly around household duties.

My view is that it's best to be straightforward, and my view is that you're entitled to an answer about whether there'll be a discussion or not, so I suggest you gently remind her and ask her to let you know when would suit.

If she still doesn't respond, ask her why she isn't.

If she doesn't reply to that, she's given you a constructive answer, ie, she doesn't want any sort of a discussion with you.

This. Sometimes no answer is your answer.

on balance it is sex related and I wanted to be more specific in gaining other perspectives hence posting here.

wrt fancy - that maybe just it - but I suspect there is more at play here and would like to consider wider view on next step

I would just ask her. Otherwise, you’ll get a million reasons on Mumsnet:

You don’t do enough mental load/childcare/cleaning/laundry/cooking/grocery shopping/dishes.
You’ve gained weight and she doesn’t fancy you anymore.
She’s friendzoned you.
She never liked sex and was pretending to like it.
You’re selfish in bed.
She’s having an affair.
She’s a lesbian.
Her hormones have dropped.
She’s gained weight and is embarrassed.

We can only speculate, so best to ask her.

Maybe she sensed that you wanting to talk about reconnecting emotionally and physically actually meant sex too! If so that’s your mistake. You really need to mean what you say that you want to reconnect emotionally

Thanks. It’s both the emotional and physical. I struggle to see how they are mutually exclusive. I guess that’s just my perspective and am keen to get a wider view

I just mean if you both need to reconnect emotionally then that needs to happen first. But it seems you want to focus on reconnecting sexually (hence posting on the sex board!). I need emotional intimacy before anything else

True, but (and I don't suggest you were saying this) that's a point for her to make. OP shouldn't pretend it's not about sex just to get her to talk.

understood and thanks for your insight

I think we are getting to the nub of it now. I feel like I’m conditioned to jump the emotional hurdle first and then we go for the real driver from my perspective. Which doesn’t sit well with me

Why can’t both conversations co-exist?

Quite right - it shouldn't sit well with you as you seeking a discussion like that might make you look manipulative. Better to take time and work out what you actually want and how you're going to express it - if necessary, in a few well-chosen words. And be ready to hear what she has to say. Do you think there's any reason why she might not want to talk, ie a reason that you might be causing?

When I peel back the layers of day to day I think there could be something that is being concealed, the unspoken. Some sort of trauma that needs to be unlocked. In the past when our emotional connection was there it could quickly get to tears if something challenging was brought up for discussion

thanks for your input