How do I gently reopen a conversation about about emotional distance with my wife?

[Looking4more]

We get on fine day-to-day, but a conversation I wanted months ago never happened — how do I gently reopen it?

Back in early September, I sent my wife a heartfelt message about wanting us to reconnect emotionally. She replied kindly and suggested a walk that weekend to talk — but that never happened. Since then, she hasn’t brought it up.

Day-to-day, everything’s fine. We co-parent smoothly, get on well, and life ticks along. But there’s this quiet awkwardness around the conversation I tried to start, and it’s niggling at me.

I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel cornered, but I also don’t want to just let it drift indefinitely. I’m aware that sometimes “no answer” is, in fact, an answer, and I also want to make sure I’m expressing what I actually want without seeming manipulative or pushy.

I’m thinking of keeping it simple and straightforward — maybe just gently asking if she’s open to talking, and when might suit her. But I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place: how did you reopen a conversation about emotional distance when your partner seemed reluctant?

Any tips on being clear, patient, and non-confrontational would be really appreciated.

No - but the stories shared are giving me a sense of what’s happening

What do you mean?
What do you think is happening?

When you are the hub of everything, the person literally everyone across 3 generations (plus pets as applicable) comes to when they want attention, comfort, food, sympathy, lifts, advice, tech support, reminders about things they need to do, answers to questions that they can’t be arsed to Google or search for in their fucking email inbox, help scheduling appointments, help making big decisions, help making the world’s most trivial decisions, help finding keys / phone / something that’s literally RIGHT at the front of the fridge…

The fucking LAST thing you want is to be badgered about not being joyful and adventurous enough and having lost your fucking spark FGS. And woe betide anyone who tries to schedule a ‘walk’ (aka spousal performance management meeting) to address these deficiencies of playful eroticism and joie de fucking vivre.

I think there is a level of anger being suppressed that if unleashed could do some irreparable damage

Agreed - I see that now

Without giving away too much info. My DH was like this. He would shut off and get defensive. Its caused many arguments with him shouting "its not about you". I know its not but im also not a mind reader. He has had past trauma. He accepted therapy and he realised he needed to open up and let his guard down to the closest ones. It has helped a lot, because he tells me what's bothering him and what he wants, eg/ to be given space. And I can respect his wishes. Its really helped us with communication. He is still struggling but the relationship is not tense anymore and he feels I can be a safe person to talk to.

Thanks for sharing - appreciated - good to hear it worked out for you both.

How about saying, when you have a quiet moment, that you are really worried that she’s not happy. Is she feeling miserable about her mum? Does she think she might be starting menopause? Are you doing something annoying or upsetting, or failing to do something she needs? If you feel pushed away by her answers you might say that you’re unhappy because you don’t think she confides in you any more and fear that she’s gone off you.

This sounds eerily familiar. Even down to the family member diagnosis.

I've been with my wife for over 20 years. I didn't want to put pressure on for very similar reasons.

Then it got worse. There was anger and nothing could be right at all. Our kids picked up on it (very similar ages too) and the whole house felt hostile.

I'm not going to go into detail as this is probably where our similarities end.

What I learned since coming out the other side and doing well. That I will share as I think it will be useful to you.

• show up. Every day!

By this I mean you need to look at what she does and be there to support. Cleaning. Cooking. Organising. Find what can be done to make this a shared load. Don't ask if you can do something, just do it. Like cleaning the bathrooms. Organising dinners. You may do these already and if so figure out something else you can do. Kids homework or sorting school uniforms ready for the week.

• Listen and be understanding.

Your wife has a huge amount going on. And its entirely possible its too much to manage internally. She may be distant because you are the safe part of her life thay can be shelved for a while so she can focus her emotions on everything else. I'm not saying this is ok or right. I'm saying its understandable and the best thing you can do is listen.
Listen to what she wants. More time with her mum. Make it happen. Create memories however small for her and her mum.
Talk about what can help her mum like jelly drops to keep hydrated. Show you are right there with her and thinking about her mum too.

Talk to her not just about your marriage but about what shes going through. My wife says its like having "tabs" open in her mind and each is a different thing that vies for her attention. Talk about what she has going on and be her safe space to unload with understanding and support.

• physical touch.

Never underestimate the importance of a hug. And just a hug and not wandering hands or anything else.

Hold her hand whenever possible. Keep trying whenever possible and if asked what your doing say. I want to hold your hand.

Sex is important in a marriage yes. But it is never the most important thing and there are times when it does need to be moved to the benches for a bit.

• wanted.

Make her feel wanted. I buy flowers every single week. I do take chores off her plate. I do hug and hold hands. I do listen and figure out how I can best help with any of the tabs she has open.

Tell her you want to give her a night out or a day out. And dont then leave it for her to organise it. Arrange for the kids to be looked after and figure out by yourself what you are going to do and make it fun.
Make sure she has time available to see her friends and socialise too.

Now to the talking part.

Do not go into conversations thinking its just about you. Talk to her about everything you see her going through and let her know you are there and not going anywhere at all.
Do let her know that you have felt like things have been off but after taking some time to think you realise she has so much going on and that you want to be there by her side through it all with her.

Myself and my wife had stopped communicating for a while. When we did start we figured we both had the same needs. To feel wanted. To feel supported. To feel like we were there for each other.

On the dementia side. Dont give false platitudes. Its not going to get better. Infact its going to get a whole lot worse. So make sure your wife knows that you understand this and knows that you are right there with her. Its really important to try to find those moments of clarity when they still exist for your wife and celebrate them. That means spending time together and figuring out what brings those moments. Music helps. As does talk of the far past. And if they are able to travel. Trips to places from the past where your wife and her mum have shared memories.

Its not going to be easy. But be open. Be present and be understanding.

It took a huge upheaval for myself and my wife and there are many things I wish were different. Part of which was my unwillingness to put pressure on. By this I mean talk at all. Not actually put pressure on.
Where we are now though is good. I see when my wife looks at me just how much she does love and want me by her side. And she knows beyond doubt that I feel the same.

Oh and one more thing about anger. Do not. Not for a single instant let it get into you. Not for any reason at all.

If your wife does get angry. While thats not ok. Be the calm space and do not get angry back. Instead just listen and figure out where the anger is coming from. Much like a pressure cooker. When everything builds to boiling point at some point it will come out as a roar. This is probably what the inside of your wife's head feels like.
By being there and taking some of the pressure off that roar lessens.

Best of luck. Do not fade into the shadows of your marriage. Step up and be present always.

Love Mumsnet, we all have op’s wife’s back and get her. Joy??🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Oh it sounds like she’s going through a really tough stage of her life. Caring for her mum and watching her deteriorate. Going through the menopause at the same time.
it sounds like you want her to open up to you in order to ‘get it off her chrst’ and feel better so that you can have more joyful times with her and more sex?
this doesn’t sound like a joyful stage of her life. I’m not sure you can make it joyful or get her to talk enough so that the stress and sadness disappear.
you need to support her through this really tough stage. Instead of asking for a talk to discuss what she’s going to do to make things easier for you to cope with her stress and menopause, why not have a talk to offer your full support , no strings attached and find out what she needs to help her get through it. When she feels loved and fully supported and is coming out the other side of the stressful time, that is when the fun and joy will return naturally. Some stages of life are just really really hard. You can’t jolly them away.

I cared for my Mum who had dementia.In the earlier years I was so upset by her diagnosis;
I really went into ' autoplilot'; wife,mother, work,house,daughter/ carer.Rarely spoke about it or how it was affecting me.
My husband was a wonderful support to me throughout all of the years we cared for Mum.
However , emotionally I know I "zoned out" as I was so caught up in the grief of what was to come.
I was so overwhelmed and consumed with grief and worry,I daren t voice any of it 'cause I buried my head in the sand, not wanting to think of what was to come.
Be supportive,empathetic,tell her you re here for her and if she needs to unload ,she can.
Don t push.
Love her,cuddle her,appreciate her.

Point taken. I didn't pay sufficient attention to the Parkinson's.

I was your wife a few years ago. My mother’s illness was different but I cared for her for five years. This went straight into my husband’s parents both dying. The ensuing chaos of sorting out legalities, houses, probate etc whilst still working, looking after children and me struggling with menopause led to us spending a lot of time apart. The emotional distance became huge and this year he has largely pursued his own interests ignoring both me and our youngest child. He told me 3 weeks ago that he doesn’t feel connected to me at all and he wants a different life going forward. I had always assumed we could sort our issues as our children are now mid - late teens. But it is too late.
It’s so difficult OP - I desperately wish I could go back in time and nurture my marriage but at the time, it was just too much.
I have no advice I’m afraid - counselling could be useful but it’s a scary prospect when you are overloaded. For myself, I have found walking outside in nature a huge benefit throughout all of this time. I would have loved my husband to come with me sometimes but he never did. Such a simple thing with no pressure for anything else. Best of luck.

Oh love, it takes two to nurture a marriage.

When you’re dealing with the shitshow of complex intergenerational caregiving plus work plus grief plus the health upheavals of midlife, you can’t be expected to single-handedly keep the emotional connection going with a checked-out partner whose only concern is that he’s not getting enough attention.

It doesn’t feel like it now, but judging from the experiences of lots of separated MNers you will recover so much joy in living once you are relived of the dead weight of your adult partner’s entitlement to your mothering.

Thank-you @VoltaireMittyDream, that made me a bit teary but in a good way! I hope I will emerge stronger and ready for the joy! X

My advice would be to not have the conversation directly. she is not ready to have it and there is obviously something going on with her that she isn't able to share right now. How about having some time together that's non pressure doing an activity, trying something new, what does she love ?? Can you connect together without talking about scary stuff ( to her ) have fun together worth a try.

I think you are a wonderful man. Connection is so important. And to be with somrone who doesnt respond to you bids for connection is very very hard. Biggest cause for divorce.

Whatever she is going through, your gentke requests for talk should not be ignored.
Men usually avoid connection, the ones i was with, so you wanting connection is all i would want from a man. Someone wanting to talk to me, curious about my feelings. I never met a man like that. My current partner- i love him so much- has never ever been curious how i feel about things. He is never sharing his feelings. And I am the only one starting conversations.

I am ok with that. But i wish he had an urge to find out more about me.

Thanks for your response. I think we are good but it is just a phase of ‘busyness’ that we need to work through

So, why can’t you ask again and make a date. Ohh, you’re putting this on her so it’s her fault bc you didn’t follow up. What a man, what a man, what a man

So glad I'm not in your marriage..if you can't talk openly and daily with your other half about anything and everything then theres a problem right there. In ours we talk every night about the day once kids are in bed, wether it's just about our day, or concerns, or ideas or what we do or don't want. And if other things crop up and hubby is at work as soon as his break comes along we will talk over whatever we need to...Communication is the glue to everything else

That’s the plan. Just getting some info on best to approach. Mighty good man ..

These threads are always about sex. Gathering female ammunition to fire at the partner.

It sounds as if you are worried specifically about her mental health and how her mums illness etc is affecting her psychologically, is that right?

I honestly find the way you express yourself quite draining to read not to mind engage in communication with.

I’m a menopausal women whose MIL also had Parkinson’s and honestly I’d find the degree that you are trying to preempt the outcomes from these situations completely overthinking. They unfold, you communicate on the day to day and you get along in life.

I’m considered deep thinking and I still could not fathom the level of overthink you are engaging in.

Under the surface I hear your expression of discontent and disconnection but I genuinely do not think this type of communication you are trying to get to is the way to achieve those. Rather day to day thoughtful connection thinking about what your wife might need from you and fulfilling your needs too is much more likely to bring you the connection and comfort you’d like.