How do I gently reopen a conversation about about emotional distance with my wife?

[Looking4more]

We get on fine day-to-day, but a conversation I wanted months ago never happened — how do I gently reopen it?

Back in early September, I sent my wife a heartfelt message about wanting us to reconnect emotionally. She replied kindly and suggested a walk that weekend to talk — but that never happened. Since then, she hasn’t brought it up.

Day-to-day, everything’s fine. We co-parent smoothly, get on well, and life ticks along. But there’s this quiet awkwardness around the conversation I tried to start, and it’s niggling at me.

I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel cornered, but I also don’t want to just let it drift indefinitely. I’m aware that sometimes “no answer” is, in fact, an answer, and I also want to make sure I’m expressing what I actually want without seeming manipulative or pushy.

I’m thinking of keeping it simple and straightforward — maybe just gently asking if she’s open to talking, and when might suit her. But I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place: how did you reopen a conversation about emotional distance when your partner seemed reluctant?

Any tips on being clear, patient, and non-confrontational would be really appreciated.

Leave them issues alone, I think if my husband asked me about menopause plans I'd think he has gone insane tbh. You are actively telling us there is issues with the mum and probably gcse aged child and the way you've worded it says now relationship issues. Sometimes support is given by helping someone briefly forget all the stress ams remembering they are indeed a person.

I was married to a man who was really reluctant to talk about emotions and feelings.

I think he believed that his feelings would not be regarded as important by me. That wasn't true, but I think that's what he felt.

So I asked him if he'd go to marriage guidance, as it was called years ago, and he was willing. I think that was because there would be a third person there, and neither of us would be able to dominate the conversation.
It was very, very helpful and we both learned a great deal about one another.

OP could you ask your wife to go to joint counselling with you?

She suggested a walk and then what. Did you then wait for her to arrange it, tell you the day and time and be the driving force behind it happening?

Do you think your wife believes that all this is really a smokescreen though?
That it's essentially all about sex?

Might your wife be happy to deal alone with her Mum and the menopause and how these issues make her feel?

Maybe don't make such a big deal of the conversation

Don't ask for a specific time to chat. Simply ask her, when you're both sitting watching TV or reading "how are you feeling about Brenda (ive renamed her mother)? Anything I can do to help?"

She'll say no.

Same for her own health. I'm sure she's all sorted and or perfectly capable.

So why do you think they've vanished?

I'm not trying to jump on you here, but doing your own thinking on this can only help when you have to have a conversation about it

Maybe instead of wanting to dive into deep topics you could try to insert more philosophical/meaningful conversation in other ways through good conversation starters that get each other thinking and natural reveal fears and hopes. I really like the school of life conversation kits, they have conversation “menus” of topics to discuss over a dinner. I find the set up can sometimes be good as people treat it like a game and want to answer each thing well. If that feels like too much, you could buy the kit and just naturally weave some of the questions into discussion. I think you need to develop that day to day sharing of ideas rather than jump into “how do you think menopause will impact you?”

I reckon wife might well think this

I think this might be the answer and good to hear that it worked for you

She is grieving for her mum, she is finding it all too much, she is menopausal and you want fun, adventure and joy? Something is off here.

He wants tips on how to open a conversation

seems like quite a simple request to me tbh

It all got pushed out and left for a 10 min walk on the beach. So was left to one side. Yes I can push for the chat but then that’s me driving the conv. Which can be off putting. Hence my question to the group. Some good advice on here though which I hadn’t considered

I don’t think so. But at the moment would welcome to know more about what she is thinking

Not immediately but more an understanding of how I can help to create a better environment between the 2 of us to bring about those things over time

Yes- he first posted this on the sex board and admitted what he meant was sex.

Don’t be so bloody daft. It’s perfectly clear what emotional distance means and how it comes across 🙄🙄🙄

It all got pushed out and left for a 10 min walk on the beach. So was left to one side.

This doesn't even make sense.

OK, I'll take a punt on this.

She's tired.
She's lonely.
She's watching her mother deteriorate with an incurable, progressive disease that doesn't just affect her physically.
If she tries to sit down and watch TV to relax, she'll see adverts about how somebody who has dementia 'dies' multiple times. Parkinsons dementia is as traumatic as any other type. And there's a chance that it could be hereditary, so there's the worry that she could have it or even that the children could in the future.
She might have perimenopausal symptoms.
She's working, caring for teens, dealing with teens, dealing with her mother's needs instead of feeling cared for and supported by her.
Any time she stops, the enormity of what is coming for her mother is there. All of the time.
Her spouse is wanting to have long talks with her about whether her vagina is atrophying and what she plans to do to stop that happening because he's feeling sad that she doesn't want to talk through the night about the future when it's full of her mother's condition deteriorating into dementia and death - and, of course, have lots of sex with him as a result.

Maybe you're asking the wrong questions. I have no idea what you mean about how her menopause is going to go. How is she supposed to know that? How is anyone supposed to know that?

It really does sound as if this is about sex. If it is and she knows it is, it's probably why she's swerving talking about it.

I think she’s worn down and exhausted by life, worried about her mum, and now youre jumping in because youve not had sex in a while and wondering if she’s unhappy and what can you do for her - not to make her happy, but to make her happy BECAUSE it would lead to sex for you. it’s about you. Not her. No wonder shes not interested.

Shes probably perimenopausal. Shes got enough on her plate. She probably runs the household and does all the life admin. She would probably like your support but fears it will lead to you wanting sex in return. So better not to talk about stuff, easier to shut down and hope youll go away and wash the car or something instead….

Not immediately but more an understanding of how I can help to create a better environment between the 2 of us to bring about those things over time

Why is this your priority now when she already has so much on her plate.

But, like, WHAT specifically? If you are this vague and wooly in your communication in person, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s a bit baffled by what on earth you’re after.

This thread is very disingenuous.

You posted this exact thread in the sex board, it was suggested to post it in Relationships but you clarified that on balance it is a sex focused issue.

Now here you are trying to resell it as an emotional/relationship issue.

Why do men always come on Mumsnet hoping for other women to tell them how to encourage their wives to have more sex with them

Of course. Jesus Christ I wish these grim sex pest husbands would get to fuck. Emotional distance my arse.

Thanks for the info, what a surprise