How do I gently reopen a conversation about about emotional distance with my wife?

[Looking4more]

We get on fine day-to-day, but a conversation I wanted months ago never happened — how do I gently reopen it?

Back in early September, I sent my wife a heartfelt message about wanting us to reconnect emotionally. She replied kindly and suggested a walk that weekend to talk — but that never happened. Since then, she hasn’t brought it up.

Day-to-day, everything’s fine. We co-parent smoothly, get on well, and life ticks along. But there’s this quiet awkwardness around the conversation I tried to start, and it’s niggling at me.

I don’t want to pressure her or make her feel cornered, but I also don’t want to just let it drift indefinitely. I’m aware that sometimes “no answer” is, in fact, an answer, and I also want to make sure I’m expressing what I actually want without seeming manipulative or pushy.

I’m thinking of keeping it simple and straightforward — maybe just gently asking if she’s open to talking, and when might suit her. But I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place: how did you reopen a conversation about emotional distance when your partner seemed reluctant?

Any tips on being clear, patient, and non-confrontational would be really appreciated.

Keep it about you. “I feel…”, “I need…”. Be prepared that she might not be able to meet your needs.

How old are your children?

Thanks. I’m keen to ensure it’s not all me me me. So need to strike the right balance

15 yr old girl and 12 yr old boy

What's that got to do with the OP's question?

I must admit id be extremely reluctant to enter into a conversation about 'emotional distance.' What even is that?
Couldn't you be more specific?

'I miss the times we used to have, lets get a babysitter this weekend'
'I want more sex'
'I feel like you dont listen to me much anymore'
'Are you feeling ok? You seem distant these days. Is everything ok with us?'

Disclaimer- you might get an answer you dont like.

But a chat about 'emotional distance'? 🤮

What do you mean by emotional distance?

perhaps I have used the wrong words so thanks for the hint. ‘Stonewalled’ is another phrase I would use to describe how I feel when it comes to our emotional connection. Hence use of the word distance. Each time I attempt to get closer emotionally to what’s going on in her head the barriers come up and we don’t progress the conversation to get closer to what her real values and drivers are when it comes to our relationship and life together. Am fine with the question about age of kid as it provides context to our relationship. Married 16 years this week

So you asked for a conversation, it didn’t happen and you're disappointed she hasn’t “brought it up”. You’re the person who’s initiated this “talk” so just get on with it and have the discussion.
She may well be petrified as to what you’re going to say, she may be ignoring you and hoping you've forgotten or she be quietly waiting to see how long it takes you to reinitiate your important discussion.

Maybe you don't express yourself clearly because I still have no idea what it is you are talking about. Can you give an example of how you try to get closer emotionally?

This is very sweet of you however in this context you want it about you, it's a way to speak to people who are emotionally avoidant. It stops them going into defence mode and leaving the conversation

Ugh. You sound needy. I’d be avoiding that as well.

I also agree, what do you want from her?

her to share her hopes and dreams with you?
her to ask about youre and deeply care?
more sex?

im confused

After 16 years of marriage, you don't know what her values are?

What is it that you want

As all above say what is it you want ? Have you tried doing things you do in the begining ? How is the mental load split? Could be be wearing herself thin and be thinking you're about to demand parts of her she has nothing left to give?

”Each time I attempt to get closer emotionally to what’s going on in her head the barriers come up and we don’t progress the conversation to get closer to what her real values and drivers are when it comes to our relationship and life together.”

You sound like a middle manager interviewing someone for a job.

Is it that you want more fun? More days out / concerts / fun times together?

Fact-finding. It might have a bearing on why their mum has become emotionally distant. If dc were baby/toddler age (for instance) then the advice might be that the OP's wife is totally shattered, all touched out and has nothing emotionally left to give. That could go some way to explaining emotional distance and what advice to give the OP. Turns out the dc are older, so that scenario doesn't apply.

Are you worried that she has checked out? Has she had the lions share of childcare duties over the last 16 years? Is she starting to see a future for herself where she can put her needs first? Is she fed up of being responsible for everyone else's happiness?

Are you both going out somewhere for your anniversary? Seems a good opportunity to spend 1:1 time without the children and fairly apposite time to talk about your relationship...

@Looking4more Does your wife work full time/part time, and how is the domestic & life admin load split between the two of you? Do the dc do their fair share of chores?

"Hey Hun. I don't feel we're in. A good place right now and I'd like to chat about it. Can we do that at some point this weekend"

And then when it inevitably doesn't happen, on Sunday evening " Can we have that chat now? No, Ok, then maybe we need to reconsider this relationship"

2 examples. Her mum has Parkinson’s and we are working through what that means for us as a family. Any attempt to get into what that means for her are shutdown another is menopause and how she thinks that may progress for her. All closed down and left to later

Is 'emotional distance' a euphemism for not getting as much sex as you'd like? Because if it's actually about sex, that's probably why she's avoiding the conversation.